So my therapy session today was kind of a bust. I spend most of the time in there being angry and quietly stewing at everything my T said. It must have been bad because he told me I seemed angry again.

Anyways I brought back up to my session (I had a feeling this would happen). At the end I handed him a letter that I had written about how I was feeling. I have recently gotten off of antidepressants (I had been taking them for about 3 years or so) so things have been pretty bleak lately. My internal dialogue volume seems like it's been turned on full blast lately. Sometimes it feels like there is screaming in my head. Everything I do causes that voice in my head to taunt and insult me. For example at work, I'll be working on a design piece and I'll show it to my boss and he'll just love it, gush and everything. And all I can think is "Jeeze this sucks, you (me) are incompetent, he just feels sorry for you. He is lying that your work is good, it's really bad and you should be embarrassed...." and so on.

Anyways back to the letter...I tried to explain this and the separation of myself that I am feeling in my head. I'll just quote some of it, I'm no good at paraphrasing. I'm shortening names to first letters (I don't know why I want to protect some of these people but it seems like the decent thing to do) Also there is some cursing in there...sorry about that if anyone is sensitive about that stuff.

"Over the past few weeks I've felt like there are two of me. I can see the separations between the two sides. I don't like either of them honestly. I think they are both worthless and disgusting in their own ways. I've always felt this hatred for myself. I told my husband I have no idea what it feels like to love myself or at the very least not hate myself. I have know clue what that feels like. And I don't even know if I have a desire to change that. It's always been like that, I'm accustomed to it.

Anyways the two mes. Well there is "little" me. The girl. She's pathetic and weak. She cries and begs for someone to save her. She begs for love. She wants to be held and comforted. She's pathetic. Her sadness is disgusting. I've had her locked away in the back of my mind for so long and then after starting therapy....well the door to where she was hiding just flew open and I can't shut her up. All the pathetic crying and needing. I hate her. I want her to shut up. To stop crying, to stop begging for people to love her. To stop depending and opening up to people. JUST STOP!

Then there is the "big" me. She screams at the little me. She tells her to shut up. To stop crying. Just freaking stop crying. This big me puts up the walls, and holds on to the anger. She doesn't want to trust people, she pushes people away. She yells and is hostile with anyone who tries to get near. This big me screams at the little me all the time. She tells her that she is pathetic and worthless. That I brought this on myself so I should just suck it up. She tells her we are all of those awful things that our parents said. We are that disgusting girl who were with those men. We got what we deserved. We were asking for all of it. So stop whining. Stop crying and if it's really that bad, quit being such a fucking coward and kill yourself. The world would be better off anyway. You are a burden. You are horrible and awful and nobody loves or cares about you. And if you died people would just be relieved. Look at how disgusting you are, look at what you have done to your arms. Look at how weak you are. You are stupid and incompetent. Any progress you've made is just luck and that's about to run out. You are incapable of loving people, of having a good relationship with anyone. You just spread your darkness to others. You are broken and NOTHING will ever change that. You were born that way. You don't deserve to be happy. You are a worthless whore, a disgrace. S saw that in you. He knew you were worth nothing and he just gave you what you were asking for. If you didn't want it then you would have fought back harder instead of crying like a weakling. You wanted it. You did and you know it. You wouldn't have let him in the house if you weren't a whore. And your Dad knew that, and called you on it. You disgraced your family. That's why your mom wants nothing to do with you. She knew from the beginning better than anyone that you were worthless, a complete fuck up. You "successes" mean nothing, they are temporary. But your brokenness is your core and will follow you forever. Your brokenness is you, there is no escaping that. And B, well he saw you for what you are. He treated you like a whore because you are one. He beat and choked you because you deserved it. He saw the ugliness in you. He could see you for what you were. Your friends abandoned you because they were sick of dealing with your "poor me" crap. No one wants to hear it. Why would anyone want to be around someone so pathetic. They could see you for what you are. And that's also why your husband wants to leave you. He can see what a disgusting excuse for a human being you are. After spending years with you he knows what a worthless person you are. You are incapable of making anyone happy. It's just a wonder that he hasn't left sooner. You know you don't deserve to be with anyone. You deserve to be alone. All the wishing and praying in this world will not grant you redemption. There no hope for you. This is the way it will always be. No one will save you, so you can stop wishing for that. It's pathetic, you are not worth it, and everyone can see that when they look at you."

And round and round, all freaking day. Those horrible things in my head, and I have no idea how to make it stop. I guess I'm posting this in hopes that others may feel the same...maybe someone can tell me how to curve this. It's so loud in my head I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read through this. I'm sure it's long and maybe TMI.