I need to write and maybe share this. I am not sure if it is ok to post here. Please let me know if it is not. It was helpful to write this.

I had phone conversation with an agency that helps victims of assault. They have counselors. I was trying to set up intake. They referred me to places that refer me to them because of my hearing impairment. The director changed her mind and tell me they will do intake and she want to do it on email. I told her no, I am not ok with email, I will bring and interpreter to an intake appointment. She demanded to email me and tell me again, "give me your email address." My friend who was interpreting the call got upset and said I was being treated rudely and with no respect for boundaries. Nothing changed. She ignored all my questions about the intake process. She treated me weirdly. I told her I feel humilated and extremely uncomfortable. I told her (traumatic things) happened to me and it is hard to talk of them and have boundaries I need to feel comfortable be ignored. My friend signed to me that she was laughing. I felt so angry. I try to set up intake. They referred me to places that I already contact, those places they tell me to this agency because of my hearing impairment. I asked to speak to the director of the agency. She say they will do intake and she wants to do it on email. I told her no, I am not ok with email, I will bring and interpreter to an intake appointment. She demanded to email me and tell me again, "give me your email address." I said no thank you I am not comfortable with that, email is not private or secure or personal enough. She said, "don't you have an email address?" I said, " yes, but for school and business and social purposes, not counseling about crime I feel ashamed of happening to me." She said, "we can not help you if you do not work with us." I tell her again, I will even pay for an interpreter at my cost. My friend who was interpreting the call ask of she can speak and I said it was ok. She got upset and said I was being treated rudely and with no respect for boundaries. Nothing changed. Director ignored all my questions about the intake process. She treated me weirdly. I told her I feel humiliated and extremely uncomfortable. I told her (traumatic things) happened to me and it is hard to talk of them and have boundaries I need to feel comfortable, and one of them is no emails about this. My friend signed to me that she was laughing. I felt so angry. I started crying and I think is was yelling. I said embarrassing things I think the neighbors in my apartment building probably overheard. I have never been so upset. I got hysterical.

I hung up. I do not even care if they will do in person intake or not. I wish I never called them. I am now alarmed that I was yelling and yelling embarrassing things and neighbors hear it and are mad at me or bothered by me...

This is really not good.

Another counselor called me, who knows sign herself. She treats people with PTSD. She asked if I had insurance and I said yes, but I do not know if I want to use it. She said I I had insurance she must bill them, it would be unethical to bill me for what the insurance would pay for. I said I have choices. I have a choice to use it or pay full in cash. She said she would take me on as a client unless she could bill my insurance. I am good for the money! She never said I was incapable of making the decision to self pay or go through insurance but that is what it felt like.

I know I don't write well. When I try to write better, I can. I am so tired and all of this is so upsetting that it is hard to rewrite. It comes out easier if I write it just as it comes to me. But ASL is not structured like English so maybe I seem stupid because of the way I write about emotional topics. But I am not stupid. I am in graduate school and I have a great part time job. I never get treated like this as school or work. But in the counseling world, I feel bossed around and like people act like parents of the poor deaf girl. It infuriates me. My friend got really mad about it too. I am told I speak so well people often do not realize I am deaf, as I have worked hard to not have a "deaf accent" and I can lip read. But I am used I using interpreters for doctors and meetings. I do not mind.

I am angry about what was done to me, all the trauma. It is so hard to admit I do need help. I fear this kind of treatment if I say I need help that people will be bossy and take my adult choices away. I need support in making my own choices like every other adult.

I think I am attracting what I fear will happen. None of this is helping. I did counseling before and it was great! This time, after more trauma happen, it is not going well. I failed. I fell apart so humiliated so angry and yelling at the director and I am sure neighbors overhear it. Now I have embarrassing problem with my neighbors. I will have to face them and apologize, or leave them apology note. I need to tell them I am so sorry, I do not want them to be mad. I am so embarrassed about what I did and the content of what I was screaming.

not giving up, need to change something...

Lost