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My mom **contains triggers**

muddmuddMember
******TRIGGER WARNING....MENTION OF SI AND SU ***********



I had a chance to talk to my mom today & she was in the mood to share, which is very rare. I wanted to wish her a happy Mother's Day in case my weekend takes a nose dive & I forget. My mom would Never forgive me for that.
So back ground. I'm the youngest of 6. My mom had her 1st child when she was 19 & me when she was 32 yrs. my oldest sister & I always say we grew up w/ different parents...we really did. My parents were very tired by the time they got to me so I made sure I blended into the woodwork so as not to upset them. Both my parents had very short tempers. My dad was known for his extraneous punishments while my mom stood by & watched. She was a screamer & a thrower of anything she could get her hands on.
In college I had my 1st psychotic break & ended up in the hospital. To my surprise my mom started to see a T & admitted to me she has problems w/ depression. This common ground between us has brought us together, basically we understand what it's like where my bros & sisters don't get it. 3 yrs ago my mom was diagnosed w/ fibromyalgia which all my sibs laugh about. My mom is known to play the martyr but I think it's real.
When we were talking she asked me if I remember her having terrible depression while I was in HS. I don't really. I remember her sleeping a lot & arguing a lot w/ my dad which was normal but she said she was also drinking a lot. I don't remember that.
She told me that her T recommended her going to al-anon. Not bec of her drinking back then, but because she blames herself for where I am & my mental problems. My mom knows I'm in a state hospital, but what I didn't know is that my H told her about my latest SI attempt that has now moved me to a local hospital. I was cutting, looking for that release & took it too far & hit an artery in my leg. My mom didn't even say hello when I called, but started screaming @ me for being so stupid! I had to hold the phone away from my ear. She also knows I've stopped eating & that's become a huge issue.
She said, " see mudd I did all these things to you. I blame myself for your problems that I caused." When I got off the phone this sentence kept running thru my head & what a huge disappointment I must be to her. I don't understand why she's going to al-anon because of me??? & her T suggested it? Am I going to be saying this to my own kids when they grow up knowing the damage I'm causing them now? I've dealt w/ depression for over 20 yrs. why is my mom still trying to take responsibility for me @ my age. Is she preparing me for when my kids come back & talk to me when their older? Is it all based on guilt? Was she trying to make me feel better or worse? I don't get it.
Can anyone explain this to me?
Thanks for your help.
Muddling
Last edited {1}
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jillannjillannMember
No Mudd, I don't think your mom was trying to help you at all. I don't think she was trying to make you feel better or worse. I think she was trying to justify her own place in the drama. She was trying to make herself be the center of your issues and generate pity for herself. I'm sure she is playing the poor poor me card to anyone who will listen. If she really wanted to help you she wouldn't talk about herself at all. She would just be asking what can I do. How can I help you see how important you are to me. How much I love you.

Ok now I'm crying at work again. If you can't tell I had a similar mom. She now has Alz. and calls me her mom. Now I'm having to give to her what she never did for me. I too have an ED and have been restricting my calories each day.

We have to find our own reasons for climbing out of this hole Mudd. My children are teens now and I want to be a part of their lives. I'm clinging to that to try to drag myself out of this depression.

I don't know if I've been of help but know that I truly feel for you.

Jillann
muddmuddMember
Oh shit Jillian! I'm so sorry. I truly forgot to put the trigger warning on it. I wanted to put in title. Sorry. I didn't wanto upset you & have you cry @ work. I'm sending you a hug to get thru your day.
My mom has always played the "poor is me" card. Think my dad got very sick of it after he catered to her every need & she still wasn't happy. They separated the month after I got married. I never know when my mom is being genuine. I always think she is,but this past yr I've started to see things differently. I don't think I have that child like my-mom-can-do-no-wrong glimmer in my eye anymore. That's so terribly disappointing
Sorry again
pinglespinglesMember
Hi Mudd

Just read your post and wanted to reply as I could kind of relate a bit. I have a similar situation with my mum, in that she constantly says she is to blame for what happened to me etc because that deflects away from her dealing with her own stuff. Its tough not to rise or respond to that and that when we realise that they are not the parent we thought they were thats pretty tough to understand too

Sending safe Hug two to you Mudd

Pingles
jillannjillannMember
Mudd - your post didn't start me crying. It was my response. Funny how it is sometimes easier to be compassionate to someone else and not to ourselves.

I believe I'm probably alot older than you (almost 50) but we have alot in common. My parents divorce was final 2 weeks after my wedding. The whole wedding was planned around how to keep mom and dad separate and not have mom sad and upset.

Thanks for the hug and know that you didn't cause my tears.

Focus on you and your precious little ones at home. Your mom will find her own support in the world. Build your future so you can be whole and healthy with them in your life.

Blessings

Jillann
muddmuddMember
Thank you all for your response!
Wow I'm really blown away by your answers. I'm so glad I asked. I never really looked @ it that way, thinking that my mom would try & manipulate me now when I really need her the most. That's a shock & I didn't see it that way.
Does anyone remotely think my mom was trying to be nice? When she said that one sentence I guess I read into it or heard "sorry mud".
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Hi Mudd,

When my mom found out about my SI she reacted similarly. She blamed herself and needed a lot of reassurance. I didn't mind providing the reassurance to her, but I also realized that her knowing this was not in any way helpful to me. Even in my own distress, I had to take care of her. I was living at home at the time but felt very much on my own.

It's possible she may have been trying to be "nice" in a way by taking some blame, but that's really not what you needed right now, is it? Apparently sometimes they just don't have the emotional resources to truly give. We have to look elsewhere.

Sorry you are dealing with this. Frowner
muddmuddMember
Oh Jillian
Your not THAT much older than me, just seven yrs. we started a family pretty late. In fact had the last one right after my 40th bday. Ugh.
I had a big issue in college for a couple of yrs w/an ed. It was never really treated, just lumped in w/ the depression. Now all the sudden it's back & I know it's about control. Right now I control Nothing in my life, not even what time I go to sleep so I know that this is something I can own, no one else. I have that control & that gives me some power. Looking @ these words makes me feel pathetic, but it's just another issue causing major problems. I just feel very ashamed & stupid about it.
L lieseMember
(((MUDD)))((((JILLIAN))))



quote:
When I got off the phone this sentence kept running thru my head & what a huge disappointment I must be to her.


No, you are not a huge disappointment. Blaming herself is the only way she feels like she can have ANY control over a situation that is completely out of her control. I'm so sorry for the way she yelled at you. That must have been awful.

quote:
I've dealt w/ depression for over 20 yrs. why is my mom still trying to take responsibility for me @ my age. Is she preparing me for when my kids come back & talk to me when their older? Is it all based on guilt?


She's probably really just realizing her part in it all and feeling genuinely bad about it but can't turn back time and do things differently. She probably does feel very very guilty.

It's very hard to be a mother. There is so much at stake. I did all kind of back bends and flips for my first child thinking I was doing it all right when I really screwed some things up out of ignorance. It's hard to hear her struggle now and not feel bad. I immediately go to, "oh shit, if I hadnt' done or had done, she wouldn't be struggling as much with ..."


quote:
If she really wanted to help you she wouldn't talk about herself at all.



If she hadn't been involved in your childhood, it would be much easier for her to be removed from your situation and do what needs to be done in order to be helpful but because her own psyche is intertwined with the problem, it is a much harder task. Maybe with all her therapy and al anon, she will come to peace with it and be able to genuinely help you but it kind of sounds doubtful. Sorry to be a downer.

muddmuddMember
Liese
That's what I'm looking for from this forum is honesty. So it hurts a bit to hear the truth, that doesn't bother me. It's better than the idea I had in my head that u guys all saw something differently. Usually u pay for that type of advice & u give it for free. I know I can take it or leave it, I can shoot my mouth off making a comment to someone here & they can get angry or ignore it. I can rant & I can lurk. For some reason I've gotten very close to all of you on this forum very quickly (attachment? Lol). I don't know u & u don't know me. That's cool by me. Even if you r some day in the middle of PA I dare ya to find meWink
When I turned 40 I had a revelation about my life. I call them now my eff you forties. My life is like a seesaw. I was always the one on the ground trying to push up & everyone was pushing down on me. When I became a parent my kids r now @ the bottom, I'm in the middle & my rents r on the other side. I'm half way thru my life (bad genes) & I'd like to start voicing my opinion. I'm going to b on the other side soon of the seesaw & I need people to b honest bec that slide is short & lies don't help. I respect people more that make an attempt to voice themselves bec I know it's so hard & I'm in awe by people who take that in use it, even the bad & make use of it.
Basically I'm so very thankful for everyone here.
Holy crap what a rant!
Geez
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
(((mudd)))
i've tried responding, but i have a mother the same as yours but different, and i start writing and it comes out not-so-good. it's not a good dynamic what your mom is playing out. i think it's a narcissistic personality. she's making it "sound" like her main concern is you, and to the out-sider it might be obvious that it's not, but YOU believe that she's just thinking about you (sorry, but she's not ), when in reality it's all about her. it's a pretty tangled dynamic. i can't write more as i'm only an infant in this area and only beginning to explore it, but that's the little bit of info i know on narcissism. it hurts like a bitch.

i think about you alot (((mudd))). i hope you're trying to stay open to making change in spite of the crappiness of it all. i've been there. do take care ((((mudd))))
muddmuddMember
Thanks CD
I appreciate your reply. Sorry it took awhile to get back to you, I'm not feeling that great.
This conversation w/ my mom has been running thru my head for awhile now. After reading what's posted here its made me put my brakes on & step back to think.
I understand what your saying & that part interests me. My mom knows ill stick up for her. She also knows that ill listen when no one else will which makes me privy to how much playing w/ her meds she does. That floors me! I have very little tolerance for that crap & she knows I get angry about it.
When we get together as a family she wants that center of attention no matter who she has to hurt (really) to get it. We try every other yr to go on vacation as a family. People's mouths drop open when I tell them that. We're now over 54 people as a group. That's us, our kids & the great grand kids. It's a major undertaking but we all manage & do get along pretty much. If not there's always someone else to talk to. Lol.
When we went 2 yrs ago her & my dad went home half way thru the week. My dad had to drive her. She was having panic attacks, anxiety, taking her meds & drinking a lot (not pretty to watch) & yelling @ everyone if they were bothering her. Her mouth has no filter so her words hurt. I was the only one disappointed to see her leave. I think she likes that negative attention bec she's not the center of attention, but I can understand the anxiety. Our family is a lot to take @ once. I still have trouble, think that's why everyone drinks. But my parents leaving put a damper on the rest of the week.
It's a major bummer thinking of her as narcissistic, but it's not like I haven't thought about it before. I just know in my extreme times of need that I pick the phone up & call her & she'll listen...then bitch me out for my thinking or actions etc.
yeah it does hurt.
Thanks for adding to the threadSmiler
Mudd
L lieseMember
((((MUDD))))

It sounds like your Mom has some huge issues. Your Mom doesn't sound very supportive or empathic and way too wrapped up in her own stuff, so much so that it doesn't sound like she could ever reliably be that oak tree you need to lean on once in a while for support. Do you have to rely on her for emotional support or is there anyone else you can talk to? It doesn't sound healthy for you.

It's okay to tell her not to bitch at you anymore or that you are going to hang up on her if she starts bitching.

(((((MUDD))))))
muddmuddMember
Yes you're right liese. I don't have to take her BS. I really try not to call her when things r bad. Sometimes I call & she just says "what's wrong I can hear it in your voice." That makes me feel like a kid & how a mom should react but usually she says "what do you have to be upset about." Kind of the same ...but not really & that's a jab. I know I have to psyche myself up when I call.
Last time I called her really desperate I was setting up my 1st gallery art exhibition for my masters. I had worked 3 days w/ only 3-4 hrs of sleep each day & realized by the 3rd nite I wasn't going to make my opening deadline the next day. What pissed me off the most was that it was going to effect my grade & I had a 3.97 going into the show. I knew I was going to to get an F for this part of the show. What's ironic is that the only person in the world that cared about my cum & would know my final cum was me! I wasn't going to be out looking for a job or anything. But this point really pushed me over the edge & I was devistated, then to top it off I broke one of my own pieces. That was the last straw I was so angry & sad & exhausted & knew I needed a break so I picked up my phone. It took me awhile to call. I didn't have many options to choose from.
When I called she answered & I said "mom?" Pretty shaky & she said "mudd?" & that's when I started balling like a baby. So I hear her yelling @ me, what the hell happened? & then calling for my dad & saying B can u talk to her? I can't understand a single word she's saying!"
I didn't talk to her I ended up talking to my dad...which was worse.
I got off the phone very disappointed w/that call & told myself to think next time I'm tempted to make that call. That was in July of last yr.
haven't called her under duress since even w/ these hospitalizations. Funny thing is NO ONE in my family has asked my why I'm in the hospital this time. None.
Thanks ((Liese!))

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