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4 replies

My Mother, daughter and me

T turmoil72Member
I am afraid I have reached a point in my life where I don't know what to do. Not in a simple way of but in a significant life threatening way. I am in immigrant who married an American man at the age of 18, divorced by 22 with a one yr old daughter. My mom at that point who was 42 moved in with me in the US to help me with my child. she was already contemplating leaving my dad due to a bad marriage that she endured as she raised me and my two brothers. being a very conservative person, my mom stayed with me but always felt that she did not want me to be in a married relationship, especially that she depended on me. I was the breadwinner and she stayed how to care for my daughter. well time flew by and 20 years later, we are still in the same living arrangement. she is still living with me, I am still without a serious relationship. My daughter is doing well and I am taking care of her college tuition. she is now 22. Mom 61 and I am 41.
with the living arrangement, I feel I have no breathing room and no privacy to have a relationship. I just feel there is no end to this situation and no solution. I do not want to make my mom upset or sad, I will take care of her. But I am not able to see how can I also take care of my emotional, intimate needs?? I feel I have no solution. if I had enough money I would have bought my mom a place, but I don't have that much... PLEASE ADVISE... I FEEL I AM SUFFOCATING DAILY.
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closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
first of all, welcome to the cafe.
i'm sorry, but i really don't have any advice for you. i can't even begin to imagine the stifling nature of this arrangement. the only thing i know is that you'll have to do something if you are to live the life you long to live, and avoid resentment for the rest of your life. i don't suppose there are siblings in the area she could stay with? you've certainly done more than your part. that's a tough one, Turmoil, and i'm sorry i don't have anything for you to act on. i hope you can find some resolution somehow, and perhaps somebody else here will have some insight that will be helpful. i'm thinkging about you...
muddmuddMember
Hi turmoil
I totally agree w/ CD that you did your fair share to help your mom. I'm sure u feel obligated to her. I'm sorry to hear its become such a challenge.
Just thinking out loud here...what would happen if you brought a date home? Do you think she'd start to see that you need some space?

Also out loud here...I don't know your living situation regarding a residence but I know some houses have a "mother-in-law room" built into it. Basically it's a small residence. We turned ours into an apt to rent & it has it's own entrance for privacy. Then she could still be a part of your life & close by. Maybe side by side apartments???

Not sure if any of this helped but something else to think about...?
Thinking of you
Mudd
L lola1970Member
Hi Turmoil- Do you own or rent? If you own, there is the option perhaps of selling and buying a 2 family or 1 family with, as mudd suggested, an in law apartment? Since there are only 2 of you you wouldn't need a lot of rooms, so the layout is what's more important. I understand that a single apartment or house can be stifling even with a lot of bedrooms since you are sharing living space and it's hard to define boundaries. But a small 2 family or in law should would a separate kitchen and entrance. Is this even an option?
T turmoil72Member
Lola, Mudd and closed doors, thank you so much for your help. I will be thinking how can I make it happen financially... though difficult. I can bring a date home, my mom would not mind, except that I won't feel comfortable and I know She will feel left out... such is life. I like the Coelho quote and I think, I will need to think outside the box in this case if I want to find a solution here... I am praying that somehow I am inspired to find it soon one way or another.... thanks again for your replies. I sincerely appreciate it.

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