So on Monday, i asked for my session to be brought forward and was declined, very nicely. So I had to wait all the way to Friday, today. Which was rough to say the least, as I had to hold all the stuff about India which came up over the weekend, in vast chunks, filling up pages and pages of my journal. It was very hard.

I of course felt quite upset with sweetP as he SURELY could have found a gap somewhere and I half want to walk in and tell him I have
1. told someone else instead
2. don't want to tell him anymore

but no, I go in and talk about how angry I am with my husband and several other people in my life. He actually does not ask if I am angry at him. Interestingly. this all takes an hour which I think gets me out of talking about the stuff that came up about India.

Also I had walked in brazenly carrying my large teddy bear, for all to see. well, I deeply needed my Bear.

So he says, shall we look at what came up for you over the weekend.

It takes ages for me to get going and several times I have to pass my journal to sweetP so that he can read it as it contains specific words that I feel unable to say. Graphic words. He reads those bits out loud in a measured and steady voice which is quite intriguing to me as I stumble on them in ordinary life and in therapy find them impossible.

I have spent at least two sessions recently telling him how it deeply offends me that he is so impassive. He has taken this on the chin and admits I am not the only person to say that. He says he has a very inexpressive face and it belies the depth of emotion going on underneath. I had said that 'emotion going on underneath is no use to ME as I cannot know it is there'!

so today, I tell him some pretty graphic awful stuff and occasionally when I glance sideways at him (I got us to sit side by side as I did not want to feel interogated) I saw that his eyes were full of tears and he was visible moved by what I was saying. When I eventually finished, he spoke with a voice full of emotion.
sweetP: It does make me want to cry and cry - and I think that is to do with that it shouldn't have happened to you - to this person sitting here beside me. And there wasn't any body there to rescue you but you had to work out a way to get out of there.

He said that the moving thing is that I did survive and I did work out how to get help and I had to go deep inside myself to do that, and it shows that I had a lot of insight into how awful I was feeling.He said that the perpetrator was doing all the things that people do to break you, that he was trying to annihilate me and break me down, trying to do everything to make me nothing.
P said : you are very resourceful and you did not finally break but you could so easily have. I recognize the awfulness of what happened.

I asked him why I was bleeding so much, back in India and why I hurt so much, I was so bruised.

He said: He was raping you and he was injuring you. that is the bit you don't like to hear and it frightens you and it hurts you so much. And also your life was in danger. and you were on your own. so alone, which was part of the horror.

and I just want to say that I am so sorry that it happened to you - it doesn't change anything - but you know what I mean. It may seem rather pointless but I do feel that.

I said I was sorry it happened to me too

You are absolutely entitled to be - and angry.

I said I still felt a bit of a drama queen.

He audibly sighed and said that we don't do pain in our culture very well. We don't express our distresses and you probably bump up against that quite a lot. But what you are remembering and what you experienced there is almost nothing that would not be appropriate. Kicking screaming breaking things - it would all be absolutely reasonable in that context. People don't handle people in that state very well, they try to make them make less fuss. but it is appropriate.

He is now crying - the tears are falling down his cheeks.

I look at him and feel such deep affection for him and his caring. He has heard the worst and he has cried. That felt deeply needed.

and you remember how I said I was mad at him for not fitting me in sooner in the week like I asked? Well, he cares - cos he had cleared all Friday morning, and he did not end the session until I had finished and as we had moved our chairs so that we were sitting side by side, we had our backs to the clock and when I saw the time I nearly gasped. The session was two and a half hours long! It took that long to say all that. I was EXHAUSTED.

So that was my day. Plus a visit to my father in law after wards. and he is failing rapidly and so I have to contact the whole family, as it looks like he may only have days left.

What a day.