I've decided to post this as a thread. Maybe bec I know I can go back & delete it or bec I want to keep an accurate record for myself when I return home.
I'm sorry I haven't been on the forum. I've once again been moved w/in the hospital & its where phone use was off limits due to machines & stuff.
I've never been a fan of Facebook. My family members & others I know use it as a place to brag, exchange info or post like an open diary. I think this is my FB page. Sorry, gen public is not invited, just you guys.
As you might not know today is day # 33of my 120 days. I've told you Ive been working on my diagnosis of major depression for over 20 yrs & many ups & downs some pretty severe landing me in hospitals. This past December I was diagnosed w/ PTSD & DID. But what I've always kept hidden & have been most ashamed about especially here on the forum, is my ED. I just have always felt its viewed differently than other mental illness labels. Maybe that's just in my head, but it's a secret I share w/ no one, not even my H. Until now.
Last time my ED was present I was a senior? in college. I was only just starting to date my H when I was recovering ok by myself. It was never really diagnosed. It was really waved off by all & viewed as a side effect of my depression. I was very good @ hiding it. Then it disappeared.
December it came back & I was splitting myself to cope. Part fed into it, part was dealing w/ PTSD, part w/family & a part ignored it. I enjoyed flirting w/ what I could get away w/ w/o being noticed, but was also isolating myself more & more. The new diagnosis of PTSD covered the weight loss issue, again as a side effect. So all ignored.
When my H signed my 302 to make it mandatory I come to a state facility I was pretty livid as some of you know. I acted like a brat. When I got here I didn't eat very much. Then after a disaster w/ a T here, my surly disposition, isolation & SU, a 304 was signed. This now took my time to a manditory 120 days. That day I also decided to take the only control i had left, started fasting & didnt stop. After awhile I didn't even bother going to the cafeteria bec no one really cared. I started all the old habits & it felt good! A surprise visit from my H started the inquiry. He said I looked emaciated & that hurt me emotionally, but he also started to complain to others. Then the secrets were out & I knew I was busted.
Another horrible incident led me to the local ER & the ED was finally addressed. Things weren't going very well & I realized that this ED had its hooks in me more than I thought. I was causing major damage to my body & even the thought of eating was repulsive. It had never, ever gone this far. Then came tube feedings, muscle spasms, daily arguements w/ Pdoc, body pain, always freezing cold, intravenous feeding, a seizure & sleep in between it all. I didn't care what number came up on the scale or how many digits anymore I was so lost & felt like I was beyond help.
I remember asking someone here @ the forum , have I hit my rock bottom? They said Only I knew that answer.
I was also suffering from a blood infection & a very high fever for awhile. I wasn't out of bed in almost a wk. Then on may 12th things changed. I went into full cardiac arrest from a heart attack in the cath lab. I coded once I was told. My heart has stopped before but that was from my own doing. This was unexpected.
I think my body was waving the white flag, drawing a line in the sand, whatever, but my brain was screaming no! I was very fortunate to survive, but a major heart attack @ 43yo was definitely my rock bottom!
I have decided theres absolutely nowhere else to go but up from here in my life. I know it's going to be a shear cliff, few hand holds & a SOB to get up, but I don't wanto stay down here & slum or wallow. I need to get the hell out of here!
I'm extremely lucky to have this very unique Pdoc @ my side. I've been very skeptical of him basically bec he's a man...& not bad looking. So i worry about transference a lot. Our first real session which was on & off for 3 hrs just covered ground rules & boundaries. We had a lot!
It feels like we've been friends for a long time w/ the way we talk freely, banter each other & have few fences to take down. He has seen me @ my absolute worst, what's there to hide & instead of leaving & waiting til i was better he decided to stay & hold my hand. He didnt have to spend so much time close by when he should've been @ home.
I've yet to do anything considered traditional w/ him in the T world besides talk & sometimes thats unusual the direction it goes & the twists & turns it makes. We'll page thru food magazines & talk about cooking styles or answer questions from the game Scruples (which i have little of). We both like to play cards etc. He has an extremely dry sense of humor as do I & knows I can take a joke or several @ my expense, but he also gets in my face when i shut down & dissociate or dont wanto talk when there's work to do & pushes me to listen to my "self" & leave the rest of the voices alone. Hes honest & real w/ me. It works.
His examples are strange but memorable. For instance; last night he asked me to join him in the bathroom! Yes several jokes made. I get there & he's standing over the toilet. He pulls out small droppers. Red drops of food coloring go in the bowl & he says this is my ED. A few drops of blue are supposed to represent my depression etc. each color was attached to something major in my life that was pulling me down.
When he finished w/ the colors he said that bowl was my life yesterday, a mixed up mess & no direction. Then he flushed the toilet & says, " This is your life today. Fresh. Lesson done. "
He's very different & sometimes I hate him & tell him so which he seems to enjoy hearing bec it sparks a conversation...in another direction that's probably attached to another lesson, but when I'm really pissed he knows when to give me a break, or is at least learning.
I have been gaining a bit of weight which I'm somewhat happy about, getting some strength & a antibiotic was found for the blood infection so I'm still taking it & I think I'll be getting moved back to the state hospital to continue my 'sentence' soon. Im getting moved off the cardiac wing so now i can be in touch, have way more access to the Internet & time to get back to my "family" here. I've missed you guys a lot
I think I'm addicted. I love reading all the new posts & the cheeky comments in the chit chat room. I look forward to them all. This thread just might serve as a marker for myself of my own goals & failures & my ultimate countdown to being back HOME!Thanks everyone for always being so supportive of me, voicing your opinions & sharing advice. It means a great deal to me
. I know I'm going to have a rough climb but @ least I know I have a place where I can come to @ least complain or celebrate & you'll understand. Very reassuring !Peace,
Muddering
to you and thinking of you.
