((Mudd))
I sounds like it was such a nice outing.
Do you think perhaps the stark contrast of being out and having a really good time and feeling light and free with being back in the hospital and facing what tomorrow will bring brought on the sadness?
I hope you have alot more happy free times in your future.
Jillann
Thanks everyone for ur input I really do appreciate it. I know the post is very unconventional, but it seems to fit here or maybe it's bec where I'm located is in the middle of nowhere. People call it the N. Dakota of the east. ( No offense ND)
I did have a good time & if I had to do it again I know I would still go w/o asking questions. I understand people would call that naive & i guess so would I.
What bothered me the most was how I reacted to it all. Why was I afraid & why was I crying. I think I got several good answers & they all made sense.
Yes I'm not used to people being nice especially men. I never knew a man that didn't want something or had alternative motives. I guess nice men do exist..(.& women too). I think I was always conditioned to mistrust people even if they were nice.
I also didn't realize how much I truly miss home & even the stuff I hate about home that I complain about. I miss my kids a great deal & felt EXTREMELY guilty for having that fun. I should be having fun w/ my kids & H, not this guy I barely know.
I also think I felt bad for having more cyber friends than real ones; not that u guys aren't real but I like to be able to "see" people I talk to & all I've done on this forum in a short amount of time that I've been here is take, take, take. I haven't contributed to anything yet I rely on you folks to be my sounding board. That just sounds like another crutch to me & I'm not doing my own work. I need to stop taking & start giving.
I'm on a break from my session right now & really wanted to get this off my chest bec it's hanging over me. I'm going to try & help from now on instead of asking for help. I think I'd benefit more from that.
The session today isn't "weird" & we started by chatting about last nite but I still intend to ask him why. Hopefully before we continue w/ anything else.
On Wednesday my T's are coming Afa I know it's still on. I'm very much looking forward to it probably bec it makes me a bit nervous, but it's also a connection to home.
Thank you all for your help & patience putting up w/ all this stupid crap.
Mudd puddle
I did have a good time & if I had to do it again I know I would still go w/o asking questions. I understand people would call that naive & i guess so would I.
What bothered me the most was how I reacted to it all. Why was I afraid & why was I crying. I think I got several good answers & they all made sense.
Yes I'm not used to people being nice especially men. I never knew a man that didn't want something or had alternative motives. I guess nice men do exist..(.& women too). I think I was always conditioned to mistrust people even if they were nice.
I also didn't realize how much I truly miss home & even the stuff I hate about home that I complain about. I miss my kids a great deal & felt EXTREMELY guilty for having that fun. I should be having fun w/ my kids & H, not this guy I barely know.
I also think I felt bad for having more cyber friends than real ones; not that u guys aren't real but I like to be able to "see" people I talk to & all I've done on this forum in a short amount of time that I've been here is take, take, take. I haven't contributed to anything yet I rely on you folks to be my sounding board. That just sounds like another crutch to me & I'm not doing my own work. I need to stop taking & start giving.
I'm on a break from my session right now & really wanted to get this off my chest bec it's hanging over me. I'm going to try & help from now on instead of asking for help. I think I'd benefit more from that.
The session today isn't "weird" & we started by chatting about last nite but I still intend to ask him why. Hopefully before we continue w/ anything else.
On Wednesday my T's are coming Afa I know it's still on. I'm very much looking forward to it probably bec it makes me a bit nervous, but it's also a connection to home.
Thank you all for your help & patience putting up w/ all this stupid crap.
Mudd puddle
((((Muddle Puddle)))) If you need to ask for help here; you just keep asking; no-one keeps score on the give and take front!!
I hope you get to ask PD the questions you'd like answers to.
AV.
I hope you get to ask PD the questions you'd like answers to.
AV.
It isn't stupid crap Mudd. When my T showed me kindness, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe she would care, would like me, would do something nice for me - it is very hard to take in someone's genuine care when you are not used to it.
SD
SD
I've gotten out of isolation for good behavior & got extra time to sit on the PC since I don't use my phone time anymore.
I went back & reread this thread & now I just shake my head over how ignorant I was. I saw red flags w/ my pd & let it slide. My touch boundary was crossed several times & I let that slide. Now I'm paying for that crack in the door I gave him to come in when I should've sealed it back up. Why do I keep making the same mistakes over & over agin. I guess I'm too old to learn new tricks or better yet I'm too stubborn.
A couple of days ago I was on the PC pretty late @ nite & I got 'paged'. What I came back to was my room being torn apart. All of our rooms get tossed @ least weekly....during the day. Not just one room & not @ night. I just sat on the floor & cried. I had a lot of contraband in my room. Enough to make serious trouble & I knew that. I slipped up & let my guard down bec it was late @ nite. Why was my room targeted? Not sure but someone squealed & there's finger pointing I could do, but not worth making more enemies.
I was supposed to have a big progress mtg toward the end of June. This mtg would be w/ the director & every person I work w/ on the team. I knew it would have new progress reports to go over, individual comments & a probable release date.
The next day after my room was tossed my progress mtg was moved up to that afternoon! & I was also informed my H was coming to it. That's rare bec he mostly gets his info over the phone plus it's pretty far of a drive to get here. That afternoon the mtg was not about all those progress reports & other stuff, it was over the amount of contraband I had, the reasons I had it, where I kept it, what I planned to do w/ it & whether I knew how many people were effected by this! So the shit was really hitting the fan & I knew it would & I also knew I deserved it.
After it was all said & done & my H agreed too I had 30 days added on bec of the proverbial "clear & present danger" I'm labeled. I hear that a lot. It covers a lot & I fall into several categories. Now I'm looking @ a discharge in September. I can't really think that far ahead & don't really wanto. I know that I could get the date moved up for "good behavior." To me that means I have to shut myself down, not let anything effect me, do everything I'm told & not complain. That's good behavior. But what do I do when I get trigger after trigger pulled in a session & I get angry. My anger can lead to rage which leads to damage, sedatives & isolation. Then I'm back to "clear & present danger." There's so many things to work on that have triggers & ea T or pd works on something else sometimes I just explode. When I implode I dissociate, stop eating & become SU. I feel really trapped between the two. I know I can shut both sides out, but I'm not sure I can do it for as long as I need to. I feel like I have to become an iceberg & float by. I don't have sessions just once a wk or couple times a wk it's several times a day depending on the day & who I see. Some are for 50min & some are 3 hrs. Some are 6 days a wk. I this this schedule turns me into a walking time bomb playing roulet on which person I'm going to explode on. So I'm either a time bomb or an iceberg I can't decide which.
When I reread this thread I didn't even recognize the person writing it. It seemed like ages ago & someone from the far side of the moon. Which will be full tomorrow I think so I'm bracing for that.
So forum family, what say you? Ill take all comments bec right now I feel like I'm standing too close to this to see anything. Thanks for all your help
I went back & reread this thread & now I just shake my head over how ignorant I was. I saw red flags w/ my pd & let it slide. My touch boundary was crossed several times & I let that slide. Now I'm paying for that crack in the door I gave him to come in when I should've sealed it back up. Why do I keep making the same mistakes over & over agin. I guess I'm too old to learn new tricks or better yet I'm too stubborn.
A couple of days ago I was on the PC pretty late @ nite & I got 'paged'. What I came back to was my room being torn apart. All of our rooms get tossed @ least weekly....during the day. Not just one room & not @ night. I just sat on the floor & cried. I had a lot of contraband in my room. Enough to make serious trouble & I knew that. I slipped up & let my guard down bec it was late @ nite. Why was my room targeted? Not sure but someone squealed & there's finger pointing I could do, but not worth making more enemies.
I was supposed to have a big progress mtg toward the end of June. This mtg would be w/ the director & every person I work w/ on the team. I knew it would have new progress reports to go over, individual comments & a probable release date.
The next day after my room was tossed my progress mtg was moved up to that afternoon! & I was also informed my H was coming to it. That's rare bec he mostly gets his info over the phone plus it's pretty far of a drive to get here. That afternoon the mtg was not about all those progress reports & other stuff, it was over the amount of contraband I had, the reasons I had it, where I kept it, what I planned to do w/ it & whether I knew how many people were effected by this! So the shit was really hitting the fan & I knew it would & I also knew I deserved it.
After it was all said & done & my H agreed too I had 30 days added on bec of the proverbial "clear & present danger" I'm labeled. I hear that a lot. It covers a lot & I fall into several categories. Now I'm looking @ a discharge in September. I can't really think that far ahead & don't really wanto. I know that I could get the date moved up for "good behavior." To me that means I have to shut myself down, not let anything effect me, do everything I'm told & not complain. That's good behavior. But what do I do when I get trigger after trigger pulled in a session & I get angry. My anger can lead to rage which leads to damage, sedatives & isolation. Then I'm back to "clear & present danger." There's so many things to work on that have triggers & ea T or pd works on something else sometimes I just explode. When I implode I dissociate, stop eating & become SU. I feel really trapped between the two. I know I can shut both sides out, but I'm not sure I can do it for as long as I need to. I feel like I have to become an iceberg & float by. I don't have sessions just once a wk or couple times a wk it's several times a day depending on the day & who I see. Some are for 50min & some are 3 hrs. Some are 6 days a wk. I this this schedule turns me into a walking time bomb playing roulet on which person I'm going to explode on. So I'm either a time bomb or an iceberg I can't decide which.
When I reread this thread I didn't even recognize the person writing it. It seemed like ages ago & someone from the far side of the moon. Which will be full tomorrow I think so I'm bracing for that.
So forum family, what say you? Ill take all comments bec right now I feel like I'm standing too close to this to see anything. Thanks for all your help
Mudd,
I don't have any experience with having that much counseling pressing in on me. That has to be really hard. I can imagine it would feel like not having any alone time in your mind. Not feeling like you had some safe space.
When you are getting too triggered or aggitated, can you ask the T's to back off and give you time to re-ground yourself? In your other thread you had said you can feel it getting started. Is it possible to ask for space when you get that feeling. I don't know. They may not give it to you.
My other thought is something that I'm struggling with. It's a silly thing but I really want to believe that T has a plan. I know I bring in what I want to talk about but I want to think she has a master plan for the journey we're on. I'm hoping to talk to her about that today. I was wondering if you could talk with your group of T's and ask them what the plan is. Can they work together to focus on one area for a week and then another another week. Take some of the constant poking at different problems out of the picture. It might help you make better progress. It should help reduce some of the triggering.
Just know I'm pulling for you.
Jillann
I don't have any experience with having that much counseling pressing in on me. That has to be really hard. I can imagine it would feel like not having any alone time in your mind. Not feeling like you had some safe space.
When you are getting too triggered or aggitated, can you ask the T's to back off and give you time to re-ground yourself? In your other thread you had said you can feel it getting started. Is it possible to ask for space when you get that feeling. I don't know. They may not give it to you.
My other thought is something that I'm struggling with. It's a silly thing but I really want to believe that T has a plan. I know I bring in what I want to talk about but I want to think she has a master plan for the journey we're on. I'm hoping to talk to her about that today. I was wondering if you could talk with your group of T's and ask them what the plan is. Can they work together to focus on one area for a week and then another another week. Take some of the constant poking at different problems out of the picture. It might help you make better progress. It should help reduce some of the triggering.
Just know I'm pulling for you.
Jillann
Thanks Jill
I've asked them to back off but I think they see it cutting them off. Now that I have even more time maybe they'll ease up. Ill ask about a master plan; it would b nice to know. Right now I'm In the " I can't stop crying for myself" stage which just brings out even more self loathing.
Thank you
I've asked them to back off but I think they see it cutting them off. Now that I have even more time maybe they'll ease up. Ill ask about a master plan; it would b nice to know. Right now I'm In the " I can't stop crying for myself" stage which just brings out even more self loathing.
Thank you
(((Mudd))) 
(((Mudd)))
It sounds like the lack of control you have there is quite triggering for you. Could you talk to the Ts about healthy ways that you can re-establish a feeling of control?
It sounds like the lack of control you have there is quite triggering for you. Could you talk to the Ts about healthy ways that you can re-establish a feeling of control?
Mudd - I'm really surprised at the amount of continuous therapy, especially by a state hospital. I live not far from a place where celebs go for re-hab which also has a longer-term psychiatric facility, and looking at their program there is not even 1/8th of the constant therapy you're in, nor unrestricted access to computers. You must live in a very well to do state - I only know this stuff after extensive research and stuff on my own needs for when I thought it was imminent I would need long term (at least a year) care. My Ts still wish I could go to this particular facility for a little while - but obviously it's not on my insurance.
IMHO it's very disturbing to the psyche to do that amount of work all the time, most "actual" therapy occurs outside of the therapy room. Integrating, keeping someone in a constant state of high arousal, especially after clear signs of decompensation (need for isolation - which from what I've read on the policies regarding that in the very good hospitals I've stayed in, I can imagine you were in a state of absolutely extreme stress). Many places I've researched work in groups primarily, and it may be because of my particular disorders (ED, CPTSD, and other dissociation/anxiety/panic issues) that that is what I normally find. Maybe because it's involuntary but still it sounds like a half jail, and I can definitely understand you not feeling heard when your own husband can just sign you up for whatever when he has no involvement in anything.
What did the outpatient Ts that you got to spend the day with think?
I'm also still shocked you can just not eat if you don't want to (especially after you didn't eat for a couple weeks and had a heart attack - if the bodyweight or electrolyte effects are that low you should either be on TPN or some sort of drip). This place makes absolutely no sense to me. "Tossing" someone's room is very jail, I know we'd have nightly checks in our rooms but since..... where would we get contraband if our visitors were not allowed to bring stuff in (they had to lock all their personal belongings and take off even belts sometimes) and our unit was locked... and before we'd go in we were checked literally almost nude. So they have all those things, let you leave the facility w/ random staff members, somehow even if you have no visitors people can get access to stuff like people could in a jail. It's just weird to picture it as someone with, I consider, a good amount of "hospital" under their belt. My best friend's Mom is in a state facility but for medical problems also and her care is a 180 from this kind of wacky stuff.
A good friend's father (security) and mother (psych nurse) worked in a big facility in my state and I've asked a lot of questions, just out of my own curiosity while I was looking for my own long-term or at least 1+ month stuff and it sounded mostly like a playpen. Granted that was several years ago - like "Girl Interrupted" years ago.
Sorry to rant it just seems like this place is completely messed up. I hope you can talk to them about the constant therapy - I really do not believe any clinician would find that effective. Could you ask them the treatment model they use? Or look them up online to find out?
Anyway, sorry.... I'm ranting it's just every update you post I'm like... "WTF?" I don't understand how any of their treatment is actually helping
I don't mean to be negative, I know you've made a lot of progress, but it seems like you'd decompensated often as well and that's not good therapy. You can't hold someone in an affect window for like 5+ hrs a day.
IMHO it's very disturbing to the psyche to do that amount of work all the time, most "actual" therapy occurs outside of the therapy room. Integrating, keeping someone in a constant state of high arousal, especially after clear signs of decompensation (need for isolation - which from what I've read on the policies regarding that in the very good hospitals I've stayed in, I can imagine you were in a state of absolutely extreme stress). Many places I've researched work in groups primarily, and it may be because of my particular disorders (ED, CPTSD, and other dissociation/anxiety/panic issues) that that is what I normally find. Maybe because it's involuntary but still it sounds like a half jail, and I can definitely understand you not feeling heard when your own husband can just sign you up for whatever when he has no involvement in anything.
What did the outpatient Ts that you got to spend the day with think?
I'm also still shocked you can just not eat if you don't want to (especially after you didn't eat for a couple weeks and had a heart attack - if the bodyweight or electrolyte effects are that low you should either be on TPN or some sort of drip). This place makes absolutely no sense to me. "Tossing" someone's room is very jail, I know we'd have nightly checks in our rooms but since..... where would we get contraband if our visitors were not allowed to bring stuff in (they had to lock all their personal belongings and take off even belts sometimes) and our unit was locked... and before we'd go in we were checked literally almost nude. So they have all those things, let you leave the facility w/ random staff members, somehow even if you have no visitors people can get access to stuff like people could in a jail. It's just weird to picture it as someone with, I consider, a good amount of "hospital" under their belt. My best friend's Mom is in a state facility but for medical problems also and her care is a 180 from this kind of wacky stuff.
A good friend's father (security) and mother (psych nurse) worked in a big facility in my state and I've asked a lot of questions, just out of my own curiosity while I was looking for my own long-term or at least 1+ month stuff and it sounded mostly like a playpen. Granted that was several years ago - like "Girl Interrupted" years ago.
Sorry to rant it just seems like this place is completely messed up. I hope you can talk to them about the constant therapy - I really do not believe any clinician would find that effective. Could you ask them the treatment model they use? Or look them up online to find out?
Anyway, sorry.... I'm ranting it's just every update you post I'm like... "WTF?" I don't understand how any of their treatment is actually helping
I don't mean to be negative, I know you've made a lot of progress, but it seems like you'd decompensated often as well and that's not good therapy. You can't hold someone in an affect window for like 5+ hrs a day.
Your right Cat a lot of this is WTF. This isn't my 1st hospitalization but 1st time in a state facility. From what I hear from others there's a very nice facility over the state line, but I don't have anything to compare it to. I felt like I was doing well. I was making progress, getting ready for emdr & doing parts work which I've never done before. I was doing CBT, DBT & actually "using" it; I've tried it before but didn't really like it.
Everything that's mandatory to go to here I do. Some are groups some are one on one. I feel like that's the bare minimum needed to get by,but I've been trying to show progress bec I knew my discharge date was being looked @ & I desperately wanted it moved up.
There's always something going on; there's a lot of community activities that I try to go to thinking it s helpful & looks good that I'm involved & making an effort. The st. Vincent de Paul society comes in to help others w/ economic situations. & I try to attend those to just listen for myself or help others. The local women's resource center runs several groups on campus & I go to two of those. Theres a community based ED group thats just been started on campus that probably wont stay bec so few people, but I go to that. There's local volunteers that come here & ask for our help like this one program called the Gabriel Project Mumbai & we do things like stuffing envelopes or work w/ Amnesty Intl to write letters. The community helps fill the gaps inbetween T but there's always T going on in any project. People wanto talk to you & help which is nice but keeps my brain hyper aware. Sometimes just being w/ the general public keeps my brain moving. I'm not used to it.
I've argued myself blue in the face over having to go to AA & drug & alcohol services. I mistakenly admitted coming in here that I abused some left over Percocet I had from a c section. I ran out of them; they were nice while they lasted, but it put me into a lot of rehab groups. I feel like I don't need those & they hog a lot of time. Now my new T's said they would advocate for me to get cleared of going to these meetings. Hopefully soon. Some of those mtgs are 1.5 hrs.
My longest days are M,W & F when i have 2 sessions w/ pd that are 2.5-3 hrs. We usually take a 30-45 min break in between or go outside but its still long. Some days are more intense than others.
I was in contact w/ my T's last week by email asking for their help. One sent me back a copy of text from the Dept of HS stating the grounds for involuntary commitment & the term "clear & present danger" was highlighted for me several times.Basically there's not much they can do bec I dug my own hole.
Which leads to explaining my room being tossed. I had several items of contraband which were taken very seriously.
The syrafoam cups I had were one. Silly but theyre edible & we're not to have them in our rooms. They announce that after every med round. I knew that.
I had a camisole which i thought all the nurses knew i had, but it has strings.
I had addresses of 3 other patients. Not major but a no -no bec a few yrs ago some patients met up after being in here, made a S pact & 3 out of 4 died.
I had a pencil & 2 pens. Those are considered weapons especially the pen bec it can be pulled apart. That one was serious & I blatantly ignored it bec it was a pain in the **s always having to sit in the hall by the nurses station.
The worst is I'd been cheeking meds for a couple of wks & keeping them on myself during the day. I had enough to do serious damage & it's considered a major S attempt so there's the "danger" part. If I would've proceeded w/ the meds several people could've lost their jobs especially the med nurse, who's been nice to me, but not anymore & others involved in keeping me safe. I was very good @ concealing this which means I knew exactly what I was doing. Since I'm also w/ other patients that have drug problems there was also a danger that these meds could've been passed to others. Maybe a nurse saw me cheek my nite meds or someone knew I was doing it I don't know but it was grounds to look & just finding the pens & other stuff gave them cause to look for more.
I'm ashamed to admit to you guys I've been doing that bec everyone has been very supportive & I'm not entirely sure why I did do it except to have a safety net. I've always had a stash of meds around since I was in college. Even when I had 9 yrs of no depression, I had meds stashed away. So I apologize that i disappointed you all & sorry if I lost your trust. I lost a lot of people's trust here & it'll be awhile till I earn that back. I'm sure this topic will be brought up in T this week, I guarantee it.
I'm sorry Cat I mis-wrote that I don't eat. I do. I have to. Sorry about that. When I feel like I'm caving in on myself I don't wanto eat or wanto bother w/ the physical action of it. Sometimes that leads to a battle of wills but I do eat
And yes the battle of the wills over my anger. Yes Cat I do "go crazy" in absolute extreme stress. It sky rockets so fast all I see is red. I've caused damage to property &/o myself & have physically hurt people in my rage state. Im extremely offensive, rude & probably dangerous. Scares the crap out of me to be labeled crazy but I am by others here. All i need are a few triggers to line up right. If i could turn into a wolf like in the Twilight books it would probably make more sense. It's why I'm scared to open that pandora box in T & not be able to put it back. Something just gets unhinged inside me & it leads to isolation which is probably the best thing till I cool off. I'm not sure I ever wanto tackle that emotion head on.
Thank you though Cat for your support & writing. I think you bring out some valid points that's need to be addressed so I need to advocate for myself & you gave me severalk areas to concentrate on. Hopefully things will settle down again, I'll stop crying & feeling sorry for myself & start my Work as Atlas & push this ball up the hill....again!
Everything that's mandatory to go to here I do. Some are groups some are one on one. I feel like that's the bare minimum needed to get by,but I've been trying to show progress bec I knew my discharge date was being looked @ & I desperately wanted it moved up.
There's always something going on; there's a lot of community activities that I try to go to thinking it s helpful & looks good that I'm involved & making an effort. The st. Vincent de Paul society comes in to help others w/ economic situations. & I try to attend those to just listen for myself or help others. The local women's resource center runs several groups on campus & I go to two of those. Theres a community based ED group thats just been started on campus that probably wont stay bec so few people, but I go to that. There's local volunteers that come here & ask for our help like this one program called the Gabriel Project Mumbai & we do things like stuffing envelopes or work w/ Amnesty Intl to write letters. The community helps fill the gaps inbetween T but there's always T going on in any project. People wanto talk to you & help which is nice but keeps my brain hyper aware. Sometimes just being w/ the general public keeps my brain moving. I'm not used to it.
I've argued myself blue in the face over having to go to AA & drug & alcohol services. I mistakenly admitted coming in here that I abused some left over Percocet I had from a c section. I ran out of them; they were nice while they lasted, but it put me into a lot of rehab groups. I feel like I don't need those & they hog a lot of time. Now my new T's said they would advocate for me to get cleared of going to these meetings. Hopefully soon. Some of those mtgs are 1.5 hrs.
My longest days are M,W & F when i have 2 sessions w/ pd that are 2.5-3 hrs. We usually take a 30-45 min break in between or go outside but its still long. Some days are more intense than others.
I was in contact w/ my T's last week by email asking for their help. One sent me back a copy of text from the Dept of HS stating the grounds for involuntary commitment & the term "clear & present danger" was highlighted for me several times.Basically there's not much they can do bec I dug my own hole.
Which leads to explaining my room being tossed. I had several items of contraband which were taken very seriously.
The syrafoam cups I had were one. Silly but theyre edible & we're not to have them in our rooms. They announce that after every med round. I knew that.
I had a camisole which i thought all the nurses knew i had, but it has strings.
I had addresses of 3 other patients. Not major but a no -no bec a few yrs ago some patients met up after being in here, made a S pact & 3 out of 4 died.
I had a pencil & 2 pens. Those are considered weapons especially the pen bec it can be pulled apart. That one was serious & I blatantly ignored it bec it was a pain in the **s always having to sit in the hall by the nurses station.
The worst is I'd been cheeking meds for a couple of wks & keeping them on myself during the day. I had enough to do serious damage & it's considered a major S attempt so there's the "danger" part. If I would've proceeded w/ the meds several people could've lost their jobs especially the med nurse, who's been nice to me, but not anymore & others involved in keeping me safe. I was very good @ concealing this which means I knew exactly what I was doing. Since I'm also w/ other patients that have drug problems there was also a danger that these meds could've been passed to others. Maybe a nurse saw me cheek my nite meds or someone knew I was doing it I don't know but it was grounds to look & just finding the pens & other stuff gave them cause to look for more.
I'm ashamed to admit to you guys I've been doing that bec everyone has been very supportive & I'm not entirely sure why I did do it except to have a safety net. I've always had a stash of meds around since I was in college. Even when I had 9 yrs of no depression, I had meds stashed away. So I apologize that i disappointed you all & sorry if I lost your trust. I lost a lot of people's trust here & it'll be awhile till I earn that back. I'm sure this topic will be brought up in T this week, I guarantee it.
I'm sorry Cat I mis-wrote that I don't eat. I do. I have to. Sorry about that. When I feel like I'm caving in on myself I don't wanto eat or wanto bother w/ the physical action of it. Sometimes that leads to a battle of wills but I do eat
And yes the battle of the wills over my anger. Yes Cat I do "go crazy" in absolute extreme stress. It sky rockets so fast all I see is red. I've caused damage to property &/o myself & have physically hurt people in my rage state. Im extremely offensive, rude & probably dangerous. Scares the crap out of me to be labeled crazy but I am by others here. All i need are a few triggers to line up right. If i could turn into a wolf like in the Twilight books it would probably make more sense. It's why I'm scared to open that pandora box in T & not be able to put it back. Something just gets unhinged inside me & it leads to isolation which is probably the best thing till I cool off. I'm not sure I ever wanto tackle that emotion head on.
Thank you though Cat for your support & writing. I think you bring out some valid points that's need to be addressed so I need to advocate for myself & you gave me severalk areas to concentrate on. Hopefully things will settle down again, I'll stop crying & feeling sorry for myself & start my Work as Atlas & push this ball up the hill....again!