I am really struggling with facing aspects of myself that feel really young right now. I’m really scared of what those parts of me feel and I’m really scared I’ll really fall apart if I try to listen to those parts of me and “hear” what they have to say.

I’m going through some really difficult stuff right now. Someone I know who is an attorney has stepped in to help me get a restraining order and stuff to proctect me. She is very kind, and the level of protectiveness she feels for me is very high. It is hard to take in. My adult self pushes it away. But, there is another feeling I feel, that is really deep, and very intense… of really hurting about the fact that as a little kid, I really really wanted and needed someone to protect me. That part of me is screaming for attention – not in a litteral way right now, but I seriously think it could turn into that… I don’t know. I’m really scared and stuck.

My T has said that if I can slowly listen to younger parts of me, then I can find new ways to meet their needs or handle the pain of the unmet needs. She said it will help me keep becoming more solid in my self of self and who I am, which is something that has been really shifting in a positive direction for me lately. I think she is right, but I am so scared. I really don’t know if I can handle facing the pain and desires the younger aspects of myself feel.

I’ve been dealing with a lot lately, and my head is swimming. Somehow, it seems really important for me to listen to this part of me and find paths to handling these parts and pain and desires in me, especially now more than ever, in any healthy ways that I can… but I’m really drawing a blank on how to do this and what this path looks like right now. I think my “blank” might partly be resistance to trying to work on this, and I think it is also due to just being really maxed out. I don’t want to open up more things to deal with, but I also don’t want to numb out in the middle of all I’m dealing with in my life, and I also really want to avoid these needs and desires coming out in unhealthy “sideways”(as my T calls it) kinds of ways that might make things even harder for me to deal with in my life, especially now more than ever because things are already difficult.

I’m not trusting my thinking at all right now…

I keep asking myself, “What do I do with this pain and what my younger self is saying to me that it needs?”

I asked my T that question today. She said “first, you need to listen, with compassion…”

I don’t want to listen, because I know I have a lot of needs and wants that can’t be met right now, especially right now, and it’s going to hurt…

But it’s hurting already, and I’m scared it will be coming out sideways soon (or maybe is already coming out that way) if I don’t do something different.

I feel like I'm really slipping backwards in my healing process, big time, right now. I'm so scared.

I don’t know if any of what I’m writing is even making any sense. I’m really stuck. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts or feedback? or struggles with this too? or if I'm not even making sense?

~ jane