I feel a lot better since my session this afternoon. Last night I wrote my T the most honest email I could. I told him that I thought he had avoided talking about touch when following up on my request that he sit closer to me and that I thought he did that because he didn't want to say No touch explicitly. I told him that there was a part of me that wanted him to comfort me by touching me when I'm really upset during a session. I told him I was ashamed and confused by that feeling and so I tried not to talk about it but it hadn't gone away. I admitted I felt rejected by him even though I hadn't forced the conversation until he said no. He replied at lunch today telling me it would be a good thing to talk about. I was so nervous before my session I couldn't eat and I developed a tic in my eyelid. I almost couldn't go to my session.

When I did my T was his usual calm self. I even made a joke about the fact that there was two boxes of Kleenex and asked him if he was expecting me to cry a lot. T talked to me about the difficulties involved in the kind of touch I was describing, the difficulties with safety and boundaries and how it could be misunderstood etc etc and I was sitting there squeezing myself with my arms and staring at the floor and walls. I was disappointed because I really wanted to talk about my feelings around touch before he told me his 'rules' but I couldn't speak. Then T told me he didn't have any firm rules about touch like that because he could see it might be helpful or not depending on the situation and he asked me for my thoughts. I was so surprised.

I still couldn't express myself. I had trouble talking about touch. All of a sudden I couldn't feel anything. I didn't seem to matter to me at all. The wish that he would come closer and comfort me seemed to be gone. I kept trying to talk about my feelings and thoughts but it was too confusing and I couldn't put a coherent sentence together. T told me he wanted me to realize that it was okay to talk about the subject of touch and comfort and that it was a normal expression of care, that I hadn't asked for something too extreme or unreasonable.

I'm confused by the desire because it isn't always there. There is no way I could go to my T and argue that he should comfort me by touching me because I'm not sure that I do. In some ways I feel like the desire for that comes from a part of me that I'm not always in touch with or aware of. I managed to share some of that confusion and admit that I was judging myself harshly for my feelings (and my dreams but I didn't tell him about them). He told me that he didn't think the self-judgement was ever helpful but he wasn't surprised it was confusing me. He told me he thought touch was a multi-layered topic that was an attempt to feel connected to him even when I was upset so that I could feel like he cared for me. He also thought it had to do with a deep-seated need for assurance that hadn't been met very often and was probably linked to some very old pain which is why I had so much trouble expressing anything verbally. That really resonated with me even though I was pretty dissociated and detached. As we ended my T told me that he thought it was an important topic to explore whether or not we ever acted on what we discussed.

Since my session I've felt so relieved. I know it probably doesn't sound like much considering how little I managed to say and feel during the session but it was a big step forward for me. I was able to tell my T what I wanted even if I couldn't be sure I still wanted it. He talked about touch with me. I know he understands that it is important to me and some of the reasons why. He was able to put some words to my experience when all I could feel was confused and distracted. It was hard for me to keep hold of the topic if that makes sense. I'm sure we will be able to talk about it again because he was open to talking and possibly even to allowing comfort touch. Also I didn't even use one tissue.