Well, I went to therapy last week. I sounded and felt frustrated, angry, and hurt through the session. My T was validating my frustration, which was good and said she would be frustrated too. I was feeling low on energy and motivation for days before session, so at least this energy from my frustration fueled me to talk!
There was one point in the session that I was completely thrown due to what T did. I've thought about it since then and can't quite figure out why she did what she did. T, seemingly out of the blue, started talking about a vacation spot that she likes and describing the scenery in detail. I just listened for a few minutes trying to figure out how this had anything to do with what I had been talking about it or why she threw this in. Initially, I thought it might have something to do with me telling T about former T. I told her about former T last session and how my sessions sometimes with her turned into counseling or listening to former T and her stories. I thought maybe T was testing me to see how long I would let her go on. I some how went into T training mode and started to ask therapy type questions and had to make a mental switch thinking..."Wait! This is my session. I'm the client!" Then, I got back to my stuff.
Later that day I thought maybe my current T was noticing that I was getting too worked up about work, ex husband issues, and family stuff, that I needed to mentally take a vacation with her to a calming place that she could describe.
Hmmm....maybe that's all she was doing.
It's interesting the things I think during session versus when I reflect on it later.
T basically ended the session this way...
"Athenacus, I think you are going to be fine." She's never used my name before! Usually, she sets up a next appointment or asks when I want to come back, but this time it was, "I'll be back in March." I wished her well on her leave of absence and said I would make another appointment when she comes back.
Ugh! No therapy until March! How am I going to handle that??? I'm sure I can see someone else at the clinic if I needed to, but it's not the same!
On a former T note...I started thinking about former T due to not having current T until March. Some of you have heard some of my story w/former T, so you might understand.....
I made a lunch date with a friend recently. I hadn't seen this friend in quite a long time, so we wanted to catch up. Anyway, there is a bar/restaurant that is in between where we both live, so we decided on that place. Of course, it's the place that former T told me she hangs out at on that particular day. I was kind of nervous thinking that former T might be there eating her lunch and drinking beer while I'm with my friend, but she wasn't there. Whew! I was relieved and yet a bit of sadness came over me as well. I still miss her and I still miss that spark that we had during some sessions and our connection. I don't miss some things about our sessions though. There were times when I felt panicky, like I had to have a super tight filter on or I couldn't talk about certain subjects with her or I would hear a backlash of stuff that felt like scolding from my mother. At times I thought to myself...I might as well tell my mother and skip this therapy thing..
I also kick myself sometimes for not taking former T up on some of the help she offered with homework. Then again I didn't know how to do that out of session without feeling guilty about payment stuff.
Anyway, after I came home from my lunch date, I did that creepy former client thing and looked her up on FB. What she was doing that afternoon instead of being at that bar/restaurant was drinking a beer and working on something at home. She posted a picture of the beer front and center.
I just found that interesting. She used to tell me that she liked to drink on occasion. I have wondered if she has a problem with drinking and that's why her behavior in some sessions was weird. I also know that she had at least 3 or 4 medical and psychological things that she was dealing with and taking medication for.
I better get to bed. I begin new classes at T training school this week and my work hours are crazy busy as well.
Thanks for reading!
