I went to my session today and realized that I've spent a lot of time being angry at my T for not asking me questions or not understanding me or a myriad of other negative transference reactions. I've tested him over and over and he's always been there when I show up. I think I trust him more than I ever have before and more than I thought possible. I still can't talk about what I want to talk about. I've spent years thinking if I could just work out ???? (whatever) then I would be able to talk and I can't.

I'm so sad. I'm not angry at my T. I'm not even angry at myself. I just feel sad and damaged. My T tried to ask me questions and I answered them but it didn't seem to help. Near the end he told me that my problem was in how I relate to myself and I was screaming in my head "no the problem is what happened to me, in my fear of what happened, and my inability to stop ruminating about it". I didn't say anything and I just cried until I left.

I have this horrible sense that I'm finished with therapy. I've learned a lot from my T and my life has improved in many areas. There are a couple of areas (and I admit they are big areas) that I haven't been able to impact at all and they are so shameful I can't even talk about it with my T. I don't know what to do because I can't talk about what is important to me and I've got nothing else to talk about.

I don't understand how I could work through so much with my T, finally start to trust him, and still feel like I can't be helped. It is like I got the relationship and then discovered it doesn't matter anyway. I feel like no matter what happens with my T I find a way to spin it so I have to quit therapy anyway.