Today, we chatted for a while to start off, about couples therapy (which H and I started a few weeks ago), and stuff going on in my marriage and my life. T asked how the break was and I just said it was fine.
After a while there was a lull in the conversation and I felt awkward. I said I didn't know what I was doing there, but not in a bad way. T asked if I was coming to just enjoy having the relationship. I pointed out she already knew the answer to that question, which she agreed with. I admitted I was enjoying the relationship, but it felt awkward because I always feel like I should be "doing" something in therapy. She said that it is an awkward part of therapy when you don't have anything specific to talk about, and it becomes about just having a relationship and being there.
I can't remember the order of the rest of the session very well, but I thought something T said was really interesting. I was saying I never feel like I'm "working hard enough" in therapy, but she said that I kept coming and that is working hard enough. Then she said some people stop coming because the relationship is too hard, and she can only do so much to be inviting and available. She said some people can do the relational work and some can't. She said it with some emotion and I suddenly realized how hard that must feel on her end, to have a client leave because the relationship is too hard. She said yes, it is sad for me. She also said for that reason she really appreciates when people keep showing up to do the work.
We talked about how the break was, and I said I didn't really think about therapy the first 9 days or so, but for the last few days I missed her, but not horribly so. It is always really hard for me to admit to missing her
I notice that lately she is gently pushing affection and relational stuff, like saying I am "someone people could care about" or that she was teasing me "in a loving way." Mostly I react with some revulsion (at one point I actually said "gag me!") and then laughing at myself for reacting that way so blatantly. But I'm trying to accept and take in what I can.
I got a little choked up near the end, trying to express how therapy has changed me through the relationship. I said "in the beginning, I couldn't really be in the same room with you" and she nodded. Even though I would physically be in the room, when I started out I was mentally somewhere else and not really connected, and usually very anxious as well. I said just the fact that I was able to do that now (feel connected and calm about it) kind of changes everything. T said that at some point, I may find it feels right to start "showing up" in the same way in other contexts. I said I have noticed myself doing that lately, a little at a time. I didn't say this, but it actually feels like my whole personality has slowly changed in subtle but very deep ways. I connect to people in ways I never have before.
At the very end, I somehow managed to choke out "You know I'm very fond of you, right?" She said yes, and then (!) she said she is very fond of me too. I was irritated by that and said I wasn't looking for a response. She said "yes, but it's very nice when it works out mutually." I gave her a glare and said "that's what you think!" and she said "oh, but you will get there." I told her how incredibly annoying she is when she's right, and fortunately my session was over at that point.
So apparently I'm *still* not quite at a point of going down to every other week on a regular basis. When we talked about it, T asked me what it would be like to just trust that it will be OK and I will know when it feels right, blah blah. *Sigh* So I guess it continues...
