quote:

I just had to share somewhere because I am brimming with emotion and not really sure what to do with it all. I'm so grateful.

Hi Cat! This is pretty much how I felt on Tuesday after my "floor sitting" session with my T. It was a very profound experience for me and we did not do anything creative, but still seeing him there with me on the floor was very powerful. Adding to this was hearing him tell me how I was accepted there unconditionally and I didn't need to do anything to earn it was amazing.

And so... I do understand how it felt to share that space with your T. I think it was a wonderful idea to bring the art supplies and to share something with your T that is so meaningful to you outside of therapy. I think it's the sharing of a common pursuit or engaging in something creative that is so connecting. It really is a feeling that you are so full of everything, emotions, love, joy, satisfaction, acceptance... so many things you don't even know where to fit everything inside you so it overflows and surrounds you.

I'm glad it made you feel that your therapy work is meaningful and you could avoid the judgements or shame reactions and just go with the good feelings. I hope whatever you have planned with your other T works out as well. I plan to ask my T to sit on the floor with me another time and also I plan to bring in a game we can play together to foster additonal closeness and intimacy and comfort in the relationship so we can keep moving ahead.

Great work Cat! You should be proud of yourself.

TN

Wow, thanks for sharing. It seems like that was a really great idea to try and I can feel how transformative and exciting it was for you! It also gives the rest of us inspiration to try something different and just see how it goes!

((((Cat)))) I am so glad it went so well. So happy for you. That sounds like an amazing session. Still waiting to paint with my own T. It keeps getting pushed off by other stuff, but you've inspired me to try again!

OMG Cat and TN - i too had a similar nice experience this week when we did therapy in a rose garden. I have had a 'nice' feeling in side me at times this week and I have had no idea what to do with it. I think it was nice - but it felt so foreign.

I did email my T and thanked her for the beautiful session, I told her she was amazing. She replied that she too enjoyed the session and the change of environment was good. I was there as we had had another rupture and I was not happy with her - so we weren't talking about fluffy nice stuff either - we were negotiating our next phase and repairing.

I felt different during the session - i felt that i could be more relaxed, felt that I wasn't protecting myself so much and stopping myself talking. Only dissociated and froze a few times when she asked about topics I couldn't talk about - and generally felt great. I found that instead of staring at her - I could concentrate on looking at flowers or scenery and I just concentrated on her words - I felt that my mind was more acute.

This could be the same as if you are sitting and doing art work - you are looking at something else and busy with your hands - and your ears and mind are more open.

We also did a longer session - which was another new thing. She is so flexible!

I was so scared of this session before hand - but it went ok. I am sure it gave me so much more strength to cope this week.

I get so many great ideas from everyone here - I read what everyone does and then say to my T - my online friends sometimes do this or this - not that I am suggesting it for me. T will say - I am happy to try that if you want to.... She has never flinched about any suggestion yet.

SD

Cat,

That session sounds amazing, a real example of T coming to meet you where you are and as if in your world a bit. I'd love you to describe the pictures you drew if you could.

I have had sessions walking with my T and they were helpful for me; taking away the rigidity of sitting in a room is very liberating and I found it easier to talk and walk and also to ground myself being out in the open.

Hope next session is just as helpful,

starfishy

Catalyst,

this sounds so cool! Your session brought a tear to my eye... really. I love the idea of painting together.

congrats

effed

Cat,

It does sound really cool, painting with T. And the dream was really neat too. I was wondering about all the men in your dream? Was the only woman your best friend who helped you move?

Good luck painting tomorrow. I love that feeling of being really close and I hate that move away feeling. When I get that feeling of being close, I want it again and it's so hard to just call it up in session. It seems like it's just one of those spontaneous things. I wish I could see when it is that I feel closest to my T and how I push him away. Yada yada yada.

Good luck again. Let us know how it goes. I'd love to see a picture of it.

Speaking of pictures, I ordered a puzzle from Incognito's puzzle place for my family and we just completed it. I took a picture of it with my iphone and if someone could tell me how to download it and upload it to the OF, I'd love to show you all how beautiful it is.

xoxoxoxoxo

Liese

Cat,

Great session!!! I loved reading about it and I'm so happy that you felt seen, heard and connected. That is excellent. It wasn't a mistake to do that though I do know that feeling well. That is from the past and it is okay to move closer now.

Interesting dream too! I wonder if it is related to you being so "exposed" with your T this week? It sounds like it could be. I'm always having dreams about houses that have never ending secret rooms. They just keep going on forever and each one is different. Dreams can be really interesting and sometimes enlightening if we pay attention to them.

Good luck tomorrow!!!

((((Cat)))))

Hang in there, love! It sounds like you triggered some stuff, obviously it's not going to make any sense. Do you think it's like a disorganized attachment thing...like the closer you get the more it scares you?

Just do what you need to stay safe. We're here to listen!

quote:

I might write T2... I'm not sure what will get me less persecuted on the inside. I just need to get through the waves and it will get better. I feel like I contact my Ts for emotional scrapes when I wish I could reserve it for partial amputations/chain saw injurgies, etc. Only I'm really s*** at figuring out the difference.

Oh I know this so well too. I really have no way of telling how bad a crisis is until after it is over. But it's OK to contact who you need to regardless.

(((Cat)))

I am sorry that you are struggling right now. I can relate because I've been feeling that way a lot lately. I'm anxious and intensely wound and feeling like I have to do something, go out, drink, eat something, anything to stop that feeling. Alternating with some intense sadness, crying like my heart is going to break, and being so depressed it feels like I don't want to ever move again. Sorry this is more about me than you. (I'll start my own thread )

I think you should write or call whoever you want to help you contain your feelings and help you hate yourself less. Try not to judge yourself harshly for who you contact and what you say (and I know how impossible that is). Also write more about how you feel if it helps.

((((Cat)))) I still have not been able to break out my painting stuff at all and my stuff is just child's play, basically. I'm sad, but not surprised that getting and staying close to your T is causing this distress. I wonder what it is specifically about her that stirs up that push/pull battle so much more than with your other T. I understand, also, that contacting her might make it worse. The things I do when I get like this are usually try to sleep (which often helps loads) or journal with the knowledge that I may never, ever send it to my T. It often, but not always, gets sent eventually, but the act of writing it out takes some of the steam out of the freak out. Sending lots of hugs and prayers to you today.

Gee Cat - you are in a muddle at the moment. I have been so used to you having a calm presence these past 2 months. You are doing everything right - you emailed T2 - she isn't going to hate you btw and T1 you have called for an appt. Even if you don't get one - you have made contact with your 2 people and you have helped yourself in a positive way.

Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way. I have just had the calmest week of my life for the past 8 months - you can have some of my luck, energy, chi, vibes - whatever I have.

SD

Hi Cat... I'm sorry you are going through this today. I somehow know that your T's won't be angry with you, they will understand and they won't take away your emailing ability either.

I had a very similar kind of session today myself after having two connected sessions. I promised myself that I would not pick a fight with T to be able to distance from him and I didn't but I had an awful session where I was so anxious I could not talk to him, where I felt like my skin was crawling and I wanted out of there. I could barely stay in my seat. I am blaming the chairs because I was SO uncomfortable sitting in them today. I felt so exposed and unprotected and I truly wanted to hide and be invisible. I have realized that there was a lot of self-hatred going on in there today so I can relate to what you are feeling.

I just can't figure out the trigger aside from the damn new chairs that I hate

I wonder if T1 has some resemblence to someone in your life that frightened or intimidated you and that is why you react like this with her and not your sensory T.

I don't have any other ideas aside from the suggestions you got. I have already eaten my way through the kitchen like locusts tonight. I won't see T until Thursday and I am resisting any contact with him because I have NO freaking idea what to say to him anyway. I may be back to sitting on the floor again.

My best suggestion is to sleep and hopefully things will feel better in the morning. Sending you lots of hugs.

TN

Hugs to you both ((TN)) and ((CAT)).

(((Cat))) I dunno what to say, just letting you know I feel for you.

(((Cat))) I'm so sorry the anxiety is so high. I think it's an understandable reaction to the type of vulnerability you've had in session lately. I hope your Ts will both get back to you soon and be able to reassure you and maybe T1 will have a session available. I know how what it's like to feel like you were destined to be loathed by your parents...I often feel like there is something inside me that was just not connectable, because I couldn't form the most natural connection in the world. But, even if it's scary, you ARE connecting with your Ts and you have friends in your offline life and all of us here for whom the word loathe would really be the furthest thing from the truth. Hang in there and keep checking in. You're doing what you need to do and it will pass in time, though I know it seems eternal while you're in it.

(((Cat)))

I wish I could help. You know what to do. Try not to judge yourself for your feelings. Do something physical now to help you stay in the present. Feel your feelings they can't last forever. Unfortunately it isn't enough is it.
I hope you allow yourself to talk to T today and it helps.

Thinking of you,

((((CAT))))

Got any Xanax? I always forget about my Xanax when I feel like you do.

(((((HUGS))))

Liese

I second what Liese said - Xanax has been my life preserver lately. I would have likely ended up in the hospital without it, as my anxiety attacks have been debilitating lately. What I love about the xanax is that it has an almost instant effect. Within 10 minutes I'm feeling better, and if I'm not, I take another one (I have the .25 mg pills that I cut in half, and can take up to .5 mg in an hour safely.)

My regular meds are for the overarching anxiety and depression, and while they keep me pretty level, nothing can combat the sudden, intense onset of anxiety like Xanax. I now never leave the house without it!

Hugs to you, you can get through this!!! ((((Catalyst))))

((((CAT))))

Check. You didn't forget the Xanax.

So glad T is calling back. I used to hate talking to my T on the phone too but I'm getting better at it. I used to leave him a message and let him leave me a message. Now I actually answer when he calls back.

But, when I feel like you do, like it's all me and there's nothing my T can actually say over the phone that will help, that stinks. I hope it helps.

HUGS,

Liese

Catalyst,

Glad you were able to reach out while you are in the midst of self-loathing. It sounds as though you are making a lot of progress by not shifting the focus from the internal issue to an external issue/mask...which makes it much easier/possible to deal with the real underlying issue.

Hope your appt tomorrow night goes well.

Cat that's awesome!!! I feel so happy for you and all warm inside from reading that!

Hi Cat... it sounds like you were actually able to take in what she was saying and you were connected and feeling safe enough to cry with her. That is great.

You need to listen to her and all the good things she had to say about you because I am sure they are true and it sounds to me like you have a very smart T who is there for you and really is invested in your getting well and growing.

I know you will remember more and more about the session as you calm down and I hope you are able to hold the memory close and let your T into your head so you will feel safe and warm and connected until next time.

Hugs
TN

(((Cat)))

I'm sorry I didn't see your updates until now and that you've had such a hard time. I am SO happy for you (though I know is painful) that you reached out to your T and that you went to the session and had such a huge breakthrough. I hope that things continue to settle out and you are able to take in the feelings and events from the session. You are doing really great work.