I had a bad session today. For the first time in a month I was anxious and nervous and filled with dread on my way to my appointment. I didn't want to talk about anything from last session or in my email. T of course had two different things he wanted to talk about. I told him I didn't want to but I didn't have anything I wanted to talk about. I'm away next week for a fun family vacation in Orlando Florida which doesn't seem the least bit fun right now.

So right at the start T told me he that he bought a house less than a 5 minute walk from mine. We live in a large city (over 3 million people) and we are unlikely to see each other outside of sessions but it still feels weird. Then I was silent. He talked about what he wanted to talk about and I was quiet, didn't look at him and started to cry. Every so often he would ask me what was going on or what I was feeling but I couldn't answer. There was nothing to put into words. That went on for the last 30 minutes with T saying there is nothing to say but you are feeling a lot. or asking does it feel like I am making you wrong for how you feel or what you are doing? does it feel like I don't understand you? I didn't answer because while those things are true I almost always feel those things and I don't always feel so disconnected. Then he told me he didn't hate the session which just bothered me because he was referring to my email last week where I told him I depend on talking to him and I am worried he hates that. I told him I hated it.

When I got up to leave I told T I wanted to cancel my wednesday night appointment. Then later I left him a message telling him I felt like he didn't notice how upset and disconnected I was and he just kept on talking and then when he did he asked me a few times and sat in silence. It feels like he doesn't care how miserable I was at all. I told him I hate feeling like I don't want to go there and have another miserable appointment before my trip. I hate trying to connect and failing. I thought I was past these kinds of sessions but I'm not. I am so ashamed of needing T so much I don't even want to take a vacation. I wish I could do something different.