Some background:
I’m a woman in my mid-30’s, living in the DC area, working as a mathematician. I started seeing my T because I was having an existential crisis. I doubted that reality was real, and I felt like nothing could possibly matter. I didn’t think anything could actually help me, but I wanted to explore all options before doing anything drastic. So I started therapy. My T focused in pretty quickly on my history of CSA and physical abuse. I’ve always felt that I wasn’t affected by the abuse, but I’m starting to accept that I have been affected. My T tells me that I have complex PTSD. I admit it's a possibility.
I’ve been seeing my T for about 15 months now. I see him twice a week. His modality is eclectic, but pulls strongly from “Relational Therapy”. I’m still a bit unclear on all of it, but the gist of it is that it focuses on the relationship between the client and the T, and that they are considered equals in the relationship. My T self-discloses a lot more than most T’s. He has told me that there has never been a question from a client that has been too personal for him to answer. It is often really hard for me to talk in therapy. I have asked my T to let the silences go on way longer than he normally would because I will eventually talk, I just need time to get there.
He does not use touch in therapy (he has said he will shake hands, but I have never done that.) The thought of any touch from him freaks me out, so I am OK with this, but I do feel bad for his other clients who might benefit from touch. He is available by text and email outside sessions, but I almost never contact him. I like my T a lot, but I don’t think I love him. I don’t think he loves me, but I do feel his care for me.
Our sessions have been super-intense for the last few months, since the “Door Incident” happened. I was in session with him when there was a sound at the door, which triggered a flashback and just straight-up terror in me. It took me about 30 minutes to calm down enough to say anything. I was horribly embarrassed by it, but one thing I noticed was that as I was driving home, I was already re-writing the incident in my mind to one where I had faked the whole reaction because I am an awful, manipulative liar who wanted attention. Except I also knew that I hadn’t faked it. This lead into several sessions exploring my “narrative” and what it would mean for that narrative not to be true. The Door Incident has also led my T to really push me to try EMDR, which I am scared to do because I feel like I will “fail” it.
I’ve had a really hard time setting any goals in therapy. It feels too vulnerable to admit to wanting anything, because then I’ve shown a bit of myself to him and it can be used to hurt me. A while ago, my T asked me to write down a list of what I want from therapy. I really didn’t want to do it, but I finally worked up the nerve to do it last week. I read them aloud to my T in last Tuesday’s session (which was amazingly hard to do.) We didn’t have any time to actually talk about them on Tuesday, so I was hoping we would talk about them last Friday.
Friday’s session:
It’s been a super-stressful week at work, and I haven’t slept very well. I’ve felt almost like I’m vibrating inside for the past few days. We do our breathing/meditation in the beginning, and I try to relax into it but I don’t really succeed. The fan is on (to provide some white noise) but I still startle at every sound.
T says that I look stressed out, and I talk about what’s going on at work for a while. T asks me if I realize that I become energized when I talk about my boss. I hadn’t realized that, and I want to deny it. But it’s probably true.
T asks me what I want to talk about today, a question which always stumps me. I don’t say anything for a while, and we just look at each other, and then finally I say that I read him my List (of what I want out of therapy) in the last session but we haven’t talked about it yet. I also bring up the EMDR which he scared me with a few sessions ago and then never brought up again.
He wants me to choose which of the two I want to talk about, which leads to another silence because my choosing something makes me vulnerable. I do the thing where I keep opening my mouth to talk but my brain won’t let me say anything (it’s got to keep me safe). Finally I’m able to say that I’d like to talk about my List.
And then he asks me to explain why I chose that. He is really not letting up on me, which is what I said I wanted, and is what I wanted, but it is also harder on me than I imagined it would be. I’m able to explain my choice, though.
But it’s about to get harder, because he says that he knows that me reading the List in the last session was extremely hard for me to do, and he thinks that I should read them out loud to him in each session that we have. WTF! I immediately freeze in my seat. The world goes swirly around me, sounds become muffled and distant, and then my brain stops working. When I come to, I can hear him asking me what is going on inside me.
I really don’t know what to say, because I can’t remember what’s been going on. Finally I say that I am feeling really threatened by him and am trying not to feel so scared.
He says that it is understandable that I am scared by what he wants me to do. He talks for a while about why he wants me to do it, but I don’t remember much about what he says. He has some tortured analogy about this is like quitting smoking, which boils down to: we have to do stuff that we really don’t want to do in order to be better in the end. He also brings out all the big guns (by using my own words against me- all the stuff I’ve been saying about wanting him to push me, to call me on my bullshit, that I’m not that fragile.)
I’m really scared to do this. I don’t want to do it, but I think I have to. I am not that fucking fragile and I can do things that I don’t want to do and that make me vulnerable. But I want to say no.
I tell him that I feel like I can’t say no to it. That even if he pretended to be OK with me saying no, that there was no way that he actually could be. That he wouldn’t respect me, because I’ve been saying I want to be pushed but then I don’t want to do this. That he would want to hurt me for saying no to him. That I have to do what he wants or he will wait until I am not protected and then attack me.
I can’t look at him, I feel so ashamed. He’s talking to me, but I don’t know what he’s saying. Finally I register that he’s asking me to look at him. My first instinct is to hide myself, to not look, but he keeps talking in a soothing voice and finally I look up at him. We lock eyes for a beat or two, and he stops talking and we just look at each other.
He asks me to describe what I see when I look at him, but I can’t say anything. He asks if I want him to help me, and I nod, so he starts asking questions like what does his posture look like, how does his voice sound, what is his face telling me, etc. I feel like an idiot that I need him to do this basic stuff with me, that I need him to show me that he isn’t angry. I say that I can see that he isn’t projecting himself as a threat to me, but that doesn’t mean I am not going to be punished if I say no.
Friday’s sessions have to end on time, because T has a DBT group to run right after my session. He says that time is almost up. I am still very triggered. He asks if I am OK. I start to just reflexively say yes, but he stops me. He says that if I need him to, he will go tell the DBT group to wait and he will take more time with me.
It makes me feel safe that he would offer to do that. I tell him though that I don’t want him to do that. He asks again how I am doing, and I say that I am feeling a lot of shame and will probably want to hurt myself, but that I am going to be with friends all weekend and won’t have the chance. He reminds me that I can text him as well, and he goes over the response I told hi I wanted from him if I did text. And then he says that we need to come up with more ways to keep me safe, even though it is my choice to SI. And then I leave, and it is already 10 minutes after my session was supposed to end, and I have to walk through the waiting room filled with DBT people with tears all on my face, but I am glad he made sure I was safe instead of kicking me out.
I see him again tomorrow morning. I keep remembering what he wants me to do and feeling waves of fear wash over me. You would think it would be easier because I’ve already read them to him once, but that is so not the case. I want to be strong and do this, because I do think it is probably something I need to face. I’m not sure what I’m going to do tomorrow.
Other people’s sessions always fascinate me as well. It's crazy how different all our T's can be from each other, and still be good T's. I feel like the Door Incident was such a turning point for my therapy, but my T and I haven’t talked about it all that much. I’ve told him the gist of the flash-back content, but it’s almost like we don’t need to talk about it, since we both experienced it together. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with these experiences as well. They are so not fun to go through.
I'm sorry if you feel that way too. When I think about you having those things, I definitely KNOW you deserve it and hope your healing journey takes you there. 
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