....my story and where to go from here

kmayMember

*******Mention of Suicidal Thoughts********

Hello Friends,

I hope everyone is well. I know I posted a few random questions here and there and never got back to the responses. Thank you for giving me support.
Wanted to catch you up a bit on my story. I left off when I was seeing the grandmotherly type therapist. Sje cancelled on me on our fourth session together and I panicked. After what happened with old T, I just panicked. I felt abandoned and confident that she simply didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore and that she knew if she cancelled, that I would run. And I did. I cancelled the next appointment with her and then when I called to confirm the following week, she had give my slot away with the explanation that she was not sure what was going on with me.
I didn't see anyone else until recently. I started seeing a Christian T that is donating her time through our church at no cost. I liked that part b/c it has proved very very difficult to find a decent T within my insurance who even has an opening. I have seen her 3 times so far. I felt good at first. Like she would really be able to help me. (I am back to feeling like a piece of shit that shouldn't exsist. I want to be invisible. I want to go to sleep forever.)
I felt hopeful after the first session. After the second session, I felt awful. We talked about old T (T that I saw for half my life that ended so badly and hurt me deeply). I told her some things that happened with old T that were hard for me to talk about. At the end of session, she asked me to let her know what I wanted to do. That she wanted "me to be ready and to be in charge of making the next appointment". I don't know why that sent me into a tail spin. I automatically assumed that she didn't want to see me anymore and was hoping I would walk away. So I got up and headed toward the door fighting tears. She said to me "I didn't mean for you to leave." I said I know, I need to pick up my son. And I left. She text me shortly after and offered that we could get the records from old T to research some things that might help me with closure. That made me feel like she didn't completely want to get rid of me and I shared with her my feelings on what happened when I walked out of the room. She apologized. I know it was nothing she did. I know it was my own issues. Next session was two nights ago. She brought the paper for me in case I wanted to sign the release for the records from old T. This has caused me a ton of anxiety. First of all, I had to contact old T to see if she could send the records, all except for the last month we saw each other, as I didn't want what I told her during that time to be revealed. She told me she basically couldn't do that and that she thought talking over the phone to new T would be best. I said no. I don't want that. I don't want them talking about me out of my presence. So at session two nights ago, I asked alot of questions about the records. Could I be there when she opened them for the first time so I could see what she was seeing? Could certain dates in fact be left out, even though old T said no. (new T said yes). On and on...I haven't signed the form yet. I also felt worse that I have ever felt when I left Thursday session. I felt like I didn't care if I lived for two days straight. I laid in bed and cried and didn't move, didn't eat. It dawned on me today, why am I going to therapy if I feel worse when I leave? What is the point of that? I feel ok going in, but knowing I need alot of help in some areas of myself. I leave feeling like I want to die

I don't understand this. Does this mean she is not the T for me? Or does it mean that therapy in general is just not helpful for me at the moment? If that is the case, then how do I move past wanting to smash my face into the mirror everytime I look in it? Or fantazising about driving my car off the freeway?
The other thing that bothers me is she always asks at the end of session what I want to do. Do I want to come once a week? Every other week? Do I still want to come anymore at all? Maybe because I am so used to old T telling me what she thought I needed and when she would like me to come back (My pdoc does the same), that it confuses me and makes me think she doesn't think my issues are valid for her help? That she thinks I am being petty or something. Or that she just doesn't want me to come back at all.

I don't know what to do guys. Any suggestions?

6/8/134:03 PM

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quellMember

Hi Kmay,
I feel for you. It sounds like you definitely need some support right now. Maybe you could keep working on the idea of getting your records, but ask this T if you can take it slowly because it is a big deal.

If I were you I think I might want to see the T once a week. If you know what you want, like to see her once a week, or to play it by ear each week, or whatever, maybe you could tell her so that it doesn't come up and cause confusion each time. Like you could say that you'd like to come once a week and you will tell her if that changes. I'll bet that she does think your issues are valid. She might be trying to be careful with you and let you know that your wants are valid, so you know that you have a choice in what you do and aren't being told what you need.

I think it is great that you are calling the shots about your records and letting it be known what you want and what you will allow. I can see how stressful the whole thing would be, though.
Hang in there and good luck with this T. I hope you can keep working it out.

Quell

6/8/134:40 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

Hi Kmay... Monte and Quell made some good points. It sounds to me like you are not there in the trust area with this new T just yet and sharing with her something so personal that is kinda unknown (those records) to you leaves you very vulnerable and of course this is scaring you. I would like to offer a suggestion that your oldT write a "treatment summary" right now to help your new T get up to speed on some of the issues but... have newT give you the treatment summary unopened so you can read it first and decide if you feel safe enough to share with new T or if you want to wait a bit longer until you have more of a relationship established. You can request the session notes and the file at another time.

I was also very frightened of my new (current) T seeing my records before I saw them because I had NO idea what crazy oldT would write about me and I was afraid my new T would get wrong/bad information about me or find out too much too soon before I felt safe with him. He agreed to that. I read the treatment summary (a one page joke with no relevant info) first and then showed my T. He was also there when my box of stuff (including treatment notes) was delivered and I opened it. It was delivered to my T because oldT would not allow me to pick it up and I could not have it sent to my house. It was really helpful to have my T with me when I opened the box and the notes. I shared some of it with him then and most of it at later sessions.

The other feelings you are having... the smashing the mirror and wanting to stop existing are things I have dealt with often. I think it's the overwhelming self-loathing because we blame ourselves for everything... which we should NOT do. It was not your fault at all that things did not go well with your oldT. I thinks you are still struggling with the after effects of the ending of that relationship. It seems that the trauma of it is still something impacting you and you need to be able to talk about it. The more you talk about it the more it loses it's power over you.

I think that if you like this new T and want to work with her then set up a standing weekly appointment and that will solve the upset this is causing you and enable you to focus on other issues that are also important.

Hugs
TN

6/8/138:55 PM

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kmayMember

Thank you Quell, TN, and Monte,
I will write more of a response when I have some time. Just wanted to say thank you.

6/9/138:03 PM

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