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My Story--I know it's asking a lot, but opinions please?

scribblescribbleMember
Ok. I'm new here and haven't been as active as I planned to be. Every time I go to post, I get really shy and anxious about it, but I need some help, and maybe sharing more about me will make me feel more connected.

I started seeing my T for an eating disorder months and months ago. I thought it would be about 2 months of sessions and then poof! all better. This has definitely not been the case, but I'm making progress and my T is fantastic.

She helped me to see that I have a huge problem with anxiety and panic. I saw a P for that and got a quick-acting med to take care of sudden symptoms.

Recently, I felt comfortable enough to share that I have wild, unpredictable moods. I can switch between wildly happy to extremely depressed in a second, and then stay depressed for 6 hours or so, but then come back out of it and be normal for a day. It's really been putting a strain on my life and relationships and I'm tired of it. T calls it "emotion dysregulation" or "unstable moods" interchangeably. So she recommended I see a P for that as well, *only she recommended a new one and discouraged me from seeing my original one.*

I saw the new one and she said she was going to diagnose anxiety and give me an SSRI. I was kind of like, huh? Does anxiety cause wild mood swings? That's what I'm here for and my other med handles my anxiety well enough for me right now. (I'm still very anxious, but I can handle it.)

**POTENTIAL TRIGGER**
I had a one-time traumatic experience a few years ago. I'm still unable call it by a name; it's something my T and I are working on. However,in initially dealing with that, I lost all interest in sex and hated to be touched in any way that even implied sex. It was took a huge toll on my relationship and was one of the worst times of my life.
**TRIGGER OVER***

Because of the above mentioned experiences, I expressed strong concern over SSRIs and sexual dysfunction. I just CANNOT deal with a repeat of that time in my life, especially when my anxiety, ED, moods, dissociation, etc. is already having such a negative impact on my relationship.

This new P didn't seem too concerned. I mean she was nice and sympathetic, but she basically said, "Well. That's what we're going to do. Try to tough out the side effects until you really see some benefit from the med." I re-emphasized that experiencing sexual side effects would be traumatic for me, but I just didn't feel heard. I don't know what she could have done to make me feel more heard, though; maybe I'm asking too much.

When I saw my old P months ago, she immediately understood my hesitation with SSRIs, even without hearing about my trauma. She just places a high value on a healthy sex life I guess Smiler But aside from that, I really felt like she was treating me, not my symptoms, does that make sense?

So my problem is this:

I want to see my old P without telling my T. If old P recommends the same thing as new P, then I'll at least know there must be no other option. I feel like I can't tell my T about this because she was so in favor of new P, they work together, and seem to be good friends. Plus, if old P agrees with new P, there's nothing to discuss. If old P gives me a different recommendation than new P, then I'll definitely discuss with my T.

Does it seem OK to go to old P and ask her not to share with T? Or is that sneaky? Should I be more open?

Does anyone have SSRI experience? Did you have bad sexual side effects/Did they go away? TOTALLY understand that this might be way to personal for anyone to weigh in on. No worries.

Does anyone have SSRI experience for unstable mood/emotion dysregulation? Did it work?

I feel like I don't deserve your help because I haven't been very helpful yet, but if you've even managed to read this, thank you for your time and for "listening." Smiler If you have any thoughts, I would really appreciate hearing them. Thank you.
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ravenravenMember
Scribble,
Like you, I thought I'd see T for 8 - 10 sessions and life would then be peachy keen ~ boy, was I wrong! I've now been with my T for a year and just starting to get comfortable. I have been taking zoloft for about a year. It brought me back from that place of wanting to die, and it totally stopped my constant anxiety and panic attacks. After a few weeks, I also had no problems with my sex life. Recently, I've just been feeling like life is OK, but not feeling very motivated or passionate about anything. My reg doc suggested a psychiatrist. There was some stigma attached to that for me and I really resisted. But, finally I did go. He put me on Wellbutrin, which he explained increases dopamine and elevates mood. He also has me taking Klonapin at night for anxiety. So far it's pretty good. At first, the Wellbutrin gave me extra energy and I felt a little more panicky and anxious for about 5 days, but now the panic is gone and I do feel increased energy throughout the day. Hope this helps Smiler
Raven
scribblescribbleMember
Thanks Raven! I'm glad to hear that you're doing better. I, too, struggle with just the idea of seeking psych help, based on how I was raised, but I'm glad I decided to go for it and try to get better.

Thanks for the info about the zoloft; it's similar to what I might be taking, so it's good to hear it didn't affect you badly. I was really interested in Wellbutrin, but unfortunately it's contraindicated for me, and the new P isn't someone who goes against official recommendations/indications. She actually got out a book in the session to see if one my non-psych meds was being dosed "correctly." I said, "Um. This dose has 100% worked for me, no side effects, for 5 years. It doesn't really matter to me if it's the official recommendation." But, she's supposed to be really good, so I'm battling with trying to trust that she knows what she's doing, rather than simply going with this weird "feeling."
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Hello Scribble. I can understand how you’d be feeling a bit dubious about the new P and her prescribing meds that you’re not totally comfortable with.

I think it would be perfectly ok for you to go see old P and get her view on it – as for not telling T about it – well you are the client, she doesn’t have the right or authority to veto what decisions you make about your own health. Though I get how it would be easier to keep it quiet in case she goes all disapproving or tries to convince you otherwise. Do you think she would disapprove or apply some kind of pressure to push you to go with new P’s recommendations or is that your fear?

As for SSRIs and sexual/libido side effects, I guess they are different for everyone but I was on Seroxat (paroxetine I think is it’s generic name) and it had the complete opposite effect of what you are fearing – I suddenly discovered a libido I never knew about before! Sadly it disappeared when I stopped taking the AD’s .

The other thing about Seroxat was that I was prescribed it for a specific emotional issue – extreme anxiety that was flooding my brain like a continuous panic attack – and it actually worked, the fear chemicals stopped flooding and I went back to ‘normal’ quite quickly. But this was a constant state and not mood swings.

All the best with whatever you decide to do in the end Smiler

LL
N ninnMember
First, you should see the P YOU want to see, as you are the one who has to trust the relationship and how they are prescribing for you, and you have to feel you can talk to them (I had a rupture with my P and now I have none....and it was one my T HIGHLY recommended (although, funny how he was the only one who I could get into see so quickly and who always had open sessions, the other ones I tried to get into were so popular and well-liked that they weren't even taking new patients).

I have mood swings, very similar to what you describe....I'm currently not taking any meds, but have in the past, tried many in fact.

Be very specific, about yourself, with the P you decide to go to, .... it may be that you need a combination of meds. I also want to encourage you, because sometimes they can balance out a combination of meds to avoid certain undesireable side effects.
scribblescribbleMember
Thanks LL and Ninn! I agree; I should be able to see the P I want. I was just so intrigued by how much confidence my T set in new P that I wanted to see her, even though I like my old P very much.

I'm scared to tell my T that I didn't love new P, but I think I will. And I'll tell her I'm going to see old P, too. I'm going to see if I'm brave enough to ask that she NOT talk to old P before I go. I think that might have been the problem. I had to go into the situation with a new P who already had preconceived notions about what was wrong with me and what I needed.

LL--I do think she might disapprove, which is what worries me. When I was hesitant to see new P, she said "OK. Well I just want to say that if you came to me and asked 'Should I see old P or should I see new P?' I'd pick new P for you. Definitely." So I 100% know where she stands on the issue, and it's weird because I trust her so much, so what's wrong with old P that I'm not noticing?? That being said, I'm sure she won't coerce me any further. She's entirely professional, and it was really unusual for her to take a stand on a choice of mine in that way. I just think she'll be surprised and question why I didn't like her, which to me will feel like a judgement, like how could possibly not like new P when I thought you would? And how could she not side with her friend/colleague over me? I think she'll think I just didn't handle the situation properly or something.
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Scribble, good for you for deciding to go ahead and see old P, AND for telling your T about it. I hope you can find the courage to do so, it's not an easy thing to do when you already know in advance that she's likely to disapprove or apply pressure in some way.

I do find that odd that she actively discouraged you from seeing old P and pushed new P onto you - did she say WHY she preferred you didn't see your old P?

You are saying though that she is very professional so perhaps her response to your decision won't be anywhere near as negative as you might be fearing. I hope so anyway.

Best wishes to you

LL
scribblescribbleMember
Hey LL--She didn't say why, but the implied undertone I felt in the situation was that she feels that new P is a better P in general. I think pressuring me to switch might have been an instance of her getting a little too personally invested in my care for a minute, kind of mom-ing me rather than being impartial. She shows care in small indirect ways like this. She doesn't hug/touch (with me anyway, no idea about others), or say she cares (I've never asked), but she'll say some current event reminded her of me and she spent some time worrying/hoping I'd be OK, or she'll pull out all this info that shows she has clearly been working on my session throughout the week.

I guess I can take the awkwardness a little better though, if I just think of it like she cares and hopes I'm getting the best care. I'm pretty sure she'll be outwardly supportive of my decision to seek a second opinion, but I just don't want her to feel protective of her friend on the inside rather than seeing my perspective.

To open up a whole new basket of worry, I'm going to ask her if I can go in to my old P appointment without letting her share information first. Not sure how T's and P's feel about this. I think it'll be the best thing for me, so I hope they see that and don't feel offended. I just want to speak for myself, first, and be able to set the tone for what we're talking about. We'll find out this week if they agree to that though!

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