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7 replies

my struggle

I incognitoMember
Thank you TN and AG. I was touched by your words of support. I have been lurking and keeping up with everybody but I don't feel like I should post because my struggles are constant and I feel like such a downer. I am going to try and give an update on my latest upset.

I've been seeing my T for about 18 months. We have had many discussions about out of session contact. After the first four months we made an agreement that he would answer emails with short responses to let me know he received the email but not necessarily long discussions because he felt those were better in person. It worked until well until the last couple of months.

I started to depend on him which made me contact him more and eventually I noticed that while he answered the first email I sent him he didn't answer the second (usually I would be back in session shortly) so I didn't say anything until the third time. He told me he felt like it was a discussion if we went back and forth and a short answer would feel dismissive. I told him no answer made me feel ignored and then by the next session I realized that even worse I felt like he was ignoring me whenever I disagreed or argued with him by email so I wasn't comfortable disagreeing with him in session. So I felt good we got it sorted out.

He suggested I try and see him twice a week for a while to allow me to work through some of my anxieties about dependence and therapy so we started. Our next session he noticed that he hadn't received an email (probably the first time in months,LOL) and he asked me if I felt like I couldn't email him anymore because he didn't want me to take that from our discussion.

So Monday morning I sent him an email about how I felt about the homework I was doing on the weekend (meditation if you are interested) and I got no response. I tried to not be upset because I knew I was going on Wednesday and I figured he didn't answer because I was coming in soon. During Wednesday's session he never mentioned the email and I got more and more angry but I couldn't tell him I was mad about not getting a reply. In my defence, just before I went to my session I had a very difficult argument with my 11 year old daughter about how she felt I called her fat and wouldn't let her buy the clothes she wanted because of it. So I was bothered about lots of things.

Finally today I worked up the nerve to leave a voicemail saying I was upset he hadn't answered my email on Monday. I told him I wasn't sending anymore emails and I didn't want to discuss email communication again because it was pointless (I know childish). Anyway, he sent me an email saying he hadn't received my email and could I resend it. I did and got no reply.

I go see him again tomorrow. I really don`t want to talk about it again. I have trouble believing that this email went missing right after our last conversation about email. I am feeling manipulated and then stupid about doubting my T and feeling manipulated.

Argh. I don`t know what to do or say.
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Incognito...I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this. Email is a very tricky topic and AG will agree with me here. My T allows email contact and it has been a source of some major misunderstandings. Once my T never answered an email of mine after a difficult session where I was worried about what we discussed and THEN... he called me to cancel our next session. When I heard that I was convinced that I had done something horrible and he hated me. But I worked up the courage to ask him about it and he said he didn't remember it or he thought he answered it etc. I told him to go read it again and please answer it. A short time later I had a response from him and it was one of my more memorable emails from him. He told me he didn't realize I needed a response. Duh?

He has ocassionally missed seeing my emails and at other times I felt his responses were dismissive and cold. I have been truly angry with him over email responses. And we have discussed emails many times in session. One time I thought he was going to revoke my priviledges. He has told me he does not like to go back and forth in emails because then it becomes a dialogue and he does not want to have 2 dialogues going... one in person and one via email. I can understand that.

Another time I was struggling and upset and he wrote back to me "I hope you have bounced back some" and I got so angry and accused him of thinking of me as a pink spaldeen (Spaulding for those not NYers) that just bounces around. Well this got us into a deep conversation about street games of NYC!!! It actually led to some good therapy and I gifted him with his very own Spaldeeen which he keeps now on his fireplace mantel.

So I guess what I want to say here is that emails are fraught with misunderstandings, hurt feelings and confusion. But by discussing them and the feelings this all evokes you can end up doing some good work in therapy. What you are doing with your T is learning how to manage a healthy relationship and the ways of negotiating the problems that will eventually pop up in all relationships.

I think you are doing great by asking for what you need. And... while I struggle with the same thing...you are not more needy... you are just making your needs known to someone instead of ignoring them as you have probably done all of your life. So you feel like you are needing more but it's not true. You are just talking about it. And this is all good.

If you trust your T then give him the benefit of the doubt about missing your latest email. It just seems part of the requirement for Ts to be horrible about emails. I know AG can probably add to his. It's in their genes.

And my T has gone without mentioning some of my emails too... I am the one who usually introduces the topic.

I am so glad you are back posting, although I'm sorry you are so upset. But I think that your posting is another way of reaching out for support and making your needs known. You deserve a hug for that.

TN
riverriverMember
I can email my T too but I have to call her and leave her a message telling her to check her email every time I send one so you can imagine that I don't send her many emails. Until recently she didn't even have her own email address so I was sending them marked "confidential" to her family's joint email. Finally after some prodding from me she finally got her own address but I still have to call to get her to check it which she can only do from home so it may take a day or so before I get any response. Again, you can see why I don't email her unless it is something that I really can't say out loud. I would email her much more if it were more convenient.

I had to call her yesterday and it took 9 hours to return my call. Sometimes it only takes 10 minutes. That what I don't like about calling her, I never know when she'll call back so I have to keep my phone with me all of the time until she does and then I am on pins and needles anticipating the call. It's annoying.
I incognitoMember
I went to my session today and had a very difficult time. My T didn't get my second email this week either. So everyone else I have sent to has gotten it but not him. He offered another email address but I couldn't get past it.

I admitted that I am afraid he is doing it on purpose either to cause me pain or because he thinks it is therapeutic. He accepted my accusation calmly and asked what in our interactions made me think he was capable of that. He gets why my doubts about him affected me so much and impact my ability to talk to him about anything else. I feel stuck.

At the end I asked him if he was sorry I wouldn't email him anymore and he hesitated before answering. I just cried and didn't look at him because I know he doesn't like to give any reassurance. He thinks I should check with my experience of things not just what people say. I told him what do you do when your experience isn't helping (ie this event creates fear and doubt for me) and I thought some reassurance he felt for me would help and he said I should look to my broader experience. For the next few minutes I just cried into tissues and refused to look at him while he talked about feeling threatened and reassurance and what not. Eventually I said time must be up (we were over by about 5 minutes) and he said yes and then said I am sorry this happened. It is awful because I think he just said it because I was so pathetic.

thanks for listening,
strummergirlstrummergirlMember
(((((incognito))))))

I'm so sorry to hear how hard your session was today. My heart goes out to you because I know how it feels to look for comfort and reassurance from your T and not get it. There's so much in your post I can relate to - thinking he liked to cause me pain, his hesitations and intellectualizations that felt cold when I was looking for warmth, statements of sympathy that sound canned. It is an awful feeling and I wish I could take it away for you. Frowner

Overall, what bothers me most about your account is that your T's boundaries about email seem unclear. And I want crystal-clear boundaries. I was reading up on old posts last night, and someone on this forum (I can't remember right now who it was) compared boundaries to a "jumpy castle" where the boundaries keep them safe. Not knowing where the boundaries are feels scary to me. Eeker

You know who else needs good boundaries? Kids. Parenting books say kids crave boundaries, they must know where the limits are or they don't feel safe. I have read, and my new T also says, we are being reparented in therapy. The power imbalance is very much the same, too. We are so vulnerable. So it makes sense that we need to know where those boundaries are just as much as children do.

My last T never defined the boundaries and I had a ton of fear from session to session, waiting for the hammer to fall. He gave me a few reassurances when I asked for them, but then as soon as I took a risk, he went back on what he said. It felt like I fell through a hole in the jumpy castle and landed flat on my back on a concrete slab. Ouch.

If I were to do it over again, I would ask up front, exactly where are the boundaries? Draw me a picture. What is your policy on contact between sessions, for starters. Also, is there anything I can't talk about in session? Is there anything I could say or do that would get me transferred, and if so, what is it? Let's set up a jumpy-castle. Big Grin

What does your T mean about "checking with your experience of things" and "looking to your broader experience"? I suppose he's trying to find some of your underlying assumptions about relationships. If the boundaries were clear, and you were still worried about whether he is deliberately trying to cause you pain, then it might be appropriate to look beneath the surface at why you think that. But right now, from what you are saying, it sounds like you are confused about where the boundaries are to begin with. Is that the case? Or did I misunderstand?

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

Hugs,
SG

P.S. Lately I've been on a bit of a soapbox about boundaries in therapy, so I hope you can forgive me if anything I've said doesn't fit. I just think there is enough pain in therapy that we have to go through that is necessary for healing. I don't think pain over fuzzy boundaries is healing at all. But that's just my opinion and maybe it is wrong.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Incognito... I'm so sorry you had a rough session today. I've had my fair share and I know how they leave you feeling. I'm sorry you did not get the reassurance you needed from your T. By any chance is he a CBT therapist? This may explain the comments he makes such as look to your life experience of things. He is trying to get you to change your cognitive thoughts. To think and connect things in a new way. This may be why he does not do reassurance. CBT works differently than psychodynamic or relational therapy. I would say you are doing a lot of things you should be doing and I would advise to keep telling him what you need. But I do agree that his email policy is confusing.

SG I think you are exactly right to focus on boundaries. It is those clear and firm boundaries that are needed to make us feel safe enough to do the work that needs to be done in therapy. Especially for trauma patients, feeling safe is of the utmost importance. Without that you cannot trust or confide in the T. So I do think it starts with the boundaries.

Hang in there incognito. And keep talking to us and to your T.

TN
M mrsprufrockMember
Hi Incognito...and others too.

I just want to say that I'm thinking about you and how hard that last session must've been. I can empathise with the need for reassurance constantly and the feelings of neediness. I went through a very similar thing with my ex-T.I avoided sending him emails as much as I could....I like very very clear boundaries as I can read into everything, no matter how small. I preferred not to test the boundaries because I knew I would keep pushing them. And my T was very reserved when I got upset though I could see the compassion in his face.

But I do agree with those who said it's really important for the T to make the boundaries crystal clear....when there's no ambiguity then it helps you to do what HB is suggesting which is to find the root of your feelings. However, once there is any uncertainty then of course you might get wound up in a misunderstanding and get hurt.

I think the more honest you can be with your T the better, ask him what is his exact policy on emailing and how long it's gonna take him to reply if he thinks it is suitable.

Best of luck in the meantime,
Mrs. P

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