My Stuff Triggers T?

Some of you may have been reading my thread in the Questions forum about recommending resources to T, and the post near the end where I noted that T seemed more concerned over some things that happened to me than I myself feel.

I noticed even more so at the following session, and it's something I've picked up traces of in sessions past as well. T will express anger, indignation, sadness, concern or whatever over things in my life to a greater extent than I do. During these occasions she seems genuinely agitated, so I believe the feelings are real and not just something she is doing to try to jar me into more emotional awareness or something.

Is this counter transference? Is my stuff triggering T? Is it something I should be concerned about?

I don't deny that some negative things have happened and that they have had negative effects on me. I want to heal, to grow, to move past my symptoms and the stuck fragmented place I feel I've been in, to attain insight, etc. I do feel I've been making progress. Basically, I admit that I've had problems and I want to work on them. But T seems to think the problems are (and have been) worse than I do. When I defend the people she deems my oppressors (which I do sometimes in spite of myself) she will back off, but she tells me regularly that I have a tendency to minimize. I'm just trying to keep things in perspective and not be swallowed up by negativity. What would it look like if I wasn't minimizing, I wonder? I don't want to be a drama queen. Could it be that T, for reasons of her own, is particularly upset by my issues and so magnifies them?

T seemed more detached at the beginning and I guess I feel like she should still be that way. It felt safer to me. And then, there's a part of me that worries when she responds with indignation or whatever to things I bring up, that what is really going on is that she is upset or annoyed with me for some reason.

I fear maybe that irritation with me manifests itself as agitation about the subject matter, when really she could care less but I'm getting on her nerves. I think this is probably a pretty messed up way to feel, though. . .

Another idea is that she is trying to model an emotionally appropriate response for me by letting some of her real feelings into the room.

I don't know. Any thoughts on this would be welcome. Sorry if it's all a little too vague to make much sense.

1/12/125:46 AM

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bltMember

HIC, I don't know your T, but for what it's worth, I DO NOT think that she is annoyed at you in any way. It sounds like she is having a genuine emotional reaction to some of the things about your past. And yes, she probably thinks that it's therapeutically useful for you to see that reaction, since you are probably minimizing your own feelings about what happened. Eventually you will have to feel your own feelings instead of minimizing, but it doesn't have to happen all at once. I think she is opening the door for you by showing by example that it's OK and appropriate to have those feelings.

As for being concerned that she is triggered by your stuff, I don't think that's necessary. T's probably get triggered by their clients' stuff all the time. They have to know how to deal with that. She has resources to help her with how she feels and she can handle it. So I think you should just appreciate her willingness to be real with you about her reaction to things. But it might be interesting to discuss with her how you feel about her reaction and your fears that it may be disguising her irritation at you.

1/12/126:08 AM

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lieseMember

((((HIC))))

My T is the complete opposite. Never comments on my past stuff. I was upset last week because he didn't give me the emotional reaction I wanted and I said to him, I think I want you to feel the anger for me and you to tell me what I should be angry about. And he said that was interesting, like my mother always told me how to feel.

I hated that my mother told me how to feel but I'm so uncomfortable trusting my own feelings that on my own, I do look to others to tell me how I feel. It's important to be able to figure that out on your own.

It's hard to comment on what your T is doing because it seems to me if you minimize things, that's where you are at and until you are ready to feel the full onslaught of what went on for you, you just won't be able to feel it. I got to a point where everything just kind of shifted and I started to see things in a different way. And when I got there, which was away from the self-blame stuff, and I looked at my childhood, I suddenly saw all the imperfections of my mother that I had been hiding from myself. And I did a lot of grieving. It made me sad to see how much I blamed myself for things that went on or for feeling the way I did.

Anyway, all that to say that maybe you should talk to her about it and how it makes you feel. She should know how you are reacting to her reactions and that you worry about what her reactions mean. Take if from one who never communicated to her T and the mess it caused because of all the assumptions that were made, it's so much better to let them know what's going on inside our heads.

xoxoxo

Liese

1/12/127:04 AM

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heldincompassionMember

Hi Alpaca and Liese,

Thanks for the replies and for sharing your perspectives. I do think T's reaction is due at least somewhat to something besides caring about me. When I described how she is about all this in a little more detail to a therapy savvy friend who has a psych degree, her guess was that T was either once *in* a situation similar to the one I was, or was very close to one and that this might be calling up something of a response in her. I do notice that she seems more disturbed by the subject matter itself than by how it specifically relates to me or has affected me. So, I don't think it's all about me, but of course at this point I'm just speculating. If I'm right, though, I suppose it doesn't have to matter, as long as she can still focus, be present and helpful, etc.?

As far as the second part of my concern goes:
I do think at my next session I will mention that when she seems upset I sometimes worry that she is upset with me, even though rationally I believe she isn't. I think this is putting it in a non-critical, non-confrontational way that will both let her know what's going on and maybe spur her to explain her reactions a bit.

Thanks Liese for always encouraging me to push past my comfort zone and to be open with T. It can be scary, but I suppose that's the whole point.

1/13/126:38 AM

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