Did you leave a message on his voicemail? Hopefully he can call you back and apologize.

Sorry, that sucks a lot!!

And I needed today's session so bad, I was even going to ask him an extra session next week because I'm going through a specially bad time. What if something happened to him? I don't wanna call him or talk to him. This is why I hate to be dependent of people, it always backfires. Relationships this deep are always trouble.
I hate this.

BLT thank you. I don't have his phone number with me at the moment.

I know it doesn't *seem* to you like you should call him now, but I still think it's the shortest route to you being able to feel better.

Yuck how stressful I'm sorry I would be really upset too especially because I'm always so worried about being there on the wrong day or double booked.

Bleh I hope you can talk with your T about this.

((((ELIANA))))

I agree with BLT that calling him would be the best thing right now. Can you get his number? It is just feeling like it's backfiring. But there must be some reasonable explanation right?



Liese

Thanks for the replies!
I'm gonna call him as soon as I arrive home...
God this sucks so much.

Called, he thought I was only coming back from holidays next week. He said sorry and "see you next week". Damnit I still feel miserable

Sorry Eliana... that is tough to handle. I would feel miserable too. But I'm glad you called and asked and found out that it was a simple error and not that he stood you up.

Whenever my T is away on vacation or if I'm going on vacation I ask him to write down my next appointment on the back of his card and then I carry it with me. It works as a sort of transitional item and it's also "proof" of when my next appointment is. It really helps me to look at it when I'm feeling wobbly or I'm missing him a lot.

TN

That's a smart idea TN. I know maybe it sounds silly but I'm scared of asking anything to my T. There was one time I felt cheeky and asked him if he could get me some articles about the stuff he was telling me about and he said to look it up online.

I'm sorry it looks pathetic of me to whine about something so small, I wish I could get over it, honest! But these horrible thoughts keep going in circles in my head: the receptionist for sure told him I had been looking for him just one hour before (I'm the first client of his day), why didn't he call me right away? True, maybe he didnt talk to the receptionist, maybe he doesnt carry my number with him (am I that unimportant to him? I must be for him to forget I was coming back this week, as I told him last session at least twice). He forgot me and he didnt even offered a new session. He could have asked if I wanted it damnit. Instead he just got rid of me in a 20 sec phone call

Eliana... we are in therapy to learn how to ask for the things we need. I know it's hard, especially if you are still fearful of your T or your place there with him. Yet on the other hand it causes us much hurt and pain when things like this happen. I know he didn't offer you an earlier session (than your next regular one) but this is a perfect place for you to ask for one. Maybe he just thinks you are fine. How would he know unless you told him? Contrary to popular belief, T's cannot really read our minds

Why don't you contact him and ask for something sooner or at least tell him how you are feeling... hurt, scared, confused... and allow him to help soothe and reassure you. Does he allow phone calls? Maybe a 5 minute phone call will help you to more easily wait for your next session if he has nothing available.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much.
TN

quote:

He forgot me and he didnt even offered a new session. He could have asked if I wanted it damnit. Instead he just got rid of me in a 20 sec phone call

This must be so painful!!

I like what TN said. Can you please call back and tell him your needs?

(((Eliana)))

My T has done this three times. I completely empathize with how you are feeling. . . it's awful!

Hope you are able to reconnect with him soon and that it helps.

Hugs again,
HIC

(((TN))) (((Ninn))) thank you for your care!

I'd probably be giving the same advice if I had read my own post coming from someone else, but I don't feel safe with my T yet to ask him anything. I already felt that I was being too much just for calling him today.

We don't have any contact outside sessions. I asked him about it once and he was quite vague about it so I don't know where his boundaries stand.

Thinking about calling him *again* and *asking him* for an extra session makes me cringe. I can't do it. He's probably starting his weekend by now anyway, I already made the guy feel bad because of today, I'm not gonna burden him with my sudden neediness.

But shouldn't I be feeling more comfortable around him by now? It's been 6 months since I started T, is it normal that I'm still walking on thin ice regarding him? Maybe we're not a good match?

It's just so ironic that the person who is trying to fix my trust issues and anxious attachment ends up doing this to me.

TN is right. As much as you believe it should be obvious to him how you feel and what you need, it actually isn't If I had a nickel for every time I got upset with my T for not knowing something I thought she should, I would be rich, but it's really not that she's oblivious or doesn't care. It's just that it's not safe for her to jump to conclusions. She's also trying to teach me that other people don't know what I need unless I ask. Hard life lesson, but well worth practicing.

HIC I'm sorry you went through the same! How do you cope? Is it fixable?

Hi Eliana,

I wish I could be more helpful, but I don't know that I coped all that well with it myself. It was more a matter of riding out the feelings while they lasted. In each instance, once I started to feel a little calmer I'd begin to remember all the things I love about my T, and how helpful the work we've done together has been. I think that the unpredictability with scheduling etc is very disorganized, flaky, and really inexcusable of her-- but if I'm honest with myself I know it's not personal. She makes mistakes, but I believe she cares about me and would never hurt me on purpose. Only after being stood up for a session it takes a little while until I'm feeling that knowledge again.

I suppose reconnecting with her and receiving her apologies helped too, but mostly I needed a little space to recover my wounded sense of dignity.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps any. I wouldn't wish that discarded and abandoned feeling on anyone and I'm so sorry you are having to deal with it! I do think it's fixable, for what it's worth, but be patient with yourself. All of your feelings are legitimate and exist for a reason (boy that sounds cheesy, but it's true!)



Heldincompassion

(((Eliana))) I'm so sorry about the missed session and glad he clarified the mistake. If this happened to me (not having a session that was expected and needed), it would really throw me for a loop.

Eliana,

as others have said, YES it's totally understandable that you'd be upset by this. I'd be furious too, actually. And it does seem like these things always happen at the worst possible time, doesn't it?. I also want to say, that the 20 second phone call you had doesn't have to be the end of the conversation. Next time you see him, I wouldn't hesitate to relate to him everything that his mistake brought up for you


Good luck, and sorry you're hurting

I feel so blessed to have found this site, otherwise I know I would be in a terrible place. It made me realize that T is just half of the process, this site is just as important to me.

After reading and re-reading all your posts I'm not feeling as depressed as I was. I think I'm now on the anger stage. Lucky him my session is not tomorrow otherwise I would tell him horrible things and probably ending up throwing that bloody yellow table at him. How could he have done this to me??

Part of me almost understands him, I always had the gift of being invisible. I remember my mother forgetting to pick me up from school. In highschool the president of my year forgot to invite me (and only me) for the graduation dinner (she actually forgot I was in her class believe me or not). My teachers would take ages to memorise my name or wouldn't memorise it at all.

If I was a loud person full of dramas that gave my T a hard time he wouldn't forget me. It's just sad to realize my T is just like everyone else.

I'm giving myself permission to hate him today and I wanna dwell on it for a while. I know by the time I have the next app I'll be the usual quiet lamb I am - I hate myself for that as well.

Sorry for rambling... I'll shut up now

ELIANA,

quote:

I'm giving myself permission to hate him today and I wanna dwell on it for a while. I know by the time I have the next app I'll be the usual quiet lamb I am - I hate myself for that as well.

So much better than feeling depressed and invisible. Glad you are feeling better.

xoxoxo

Liese

Eliana,

First I want to say that all of your feelings about this, the hurt, the anger and the disappointment, are all very understandable, I would feel the same way. And I also think it's important that you are able to express all of these feelings to your T, they matter and deserve to be heard.

I also wanted to share some things I learned over these kind of failures. One is that I was, on some levels, including unconsciously, looking for the perfect person who would love me completely the way I wished to be loved and would NEVER fail me or hurt me or disappoint me because then I would finally know I was safe and worthwhile. There was a huge problem with this search though. That person, like a unicorn or a dragon, is a completely mythical creature.

The truth is that no matter how much someone cares about us, no matter how hard they're trying NOT to hurt us, they eventually will fail and hurt us because they are human. This also includes our Ts. When we were small, we should have experienced disruption and repair. When a mistake was made by our caregiver, in attunement or in failing to meet our needs, it should have been followed swiftly by repair. In this way, we would have learned that relationships could be loving and good but we could still get hurt in them, but we could deal with that hurt and even turn to the person who hurt us to help us tolerate the pain. Most of us did NOT get that. Instead, we were hurt over and over again and we vowed never to let that happen again. So someone hurting us, instead of being seen as a normal part of any human relationship instead becomes the grief and loss of "I was wrong AGAIN, I thought this was finally the person I could trust, but they failed me too." We are just trying to trust them for the wrong thing. We cannot trust them NOT to fail us, they will. But what we should be able to trust is that when they do fail us, they can own it, acknowledge it, and help repair what they did. In other words, a strong healthy relationship is one in which both parties realize that there will be problems and failures but both agree to face those together and work them through. They're committed.

One last thing I wanted to add is a quote from my last session with my T. We had a series of disruptions over an unanswered email, a pathetically short answer to an email and what felt like a way too brief phone call in response to all of which I had landed in a terrified heap of "I am worthless." He told me that he wouldn't recommend, personally or professionally, hanging our sense of worth on someone else's humanity. It was a bad bet. That just because he forgot an email to me did NOT mean that he had forgotten me.

I just wanted to offer this perspective in case it might help to see that your T made a human mistake (albeit a very painful one for you) that doesn't really say anything about your relationship with him except that you're having one with a human being.

I really hope you are able to thoroughly talk through this. (FWIW, my session about that disruption included a fair amount of anger.)

AG

(((Liese))) (((AG)))

Thank you for validating my feelings! AG, it made me feel better to know that your T hasn't been perfect with you too - I've read most of your posts regarding him and I can't help imagining him as a semi-god, knowing always what to say, so in tune with you, etc. I guess that's one of the problems I have, I also put my (imperfect) T on a pedestal, meaning I always assume everything he does and says is sacred. So when he misreads me I immediately think it's me, I didn't communicate well enough; when he feels distant maybe I'm not being interesting enough for him; when he forgets my session, must be something wrong with me as well.

I've been thinking about what happened (erm... I haven't been thinking about anything else actually) and I know I would get over this situation pretty fast in normal conditions. However I figured out what's really upsetting me: I am a lot more angry over the non contact between sessions policy.

I have asked him once about it but he was quite vague, saying something like "not usually, some clients call me when something important happens... It can be considered an extra session so it would be charged..." so I didn't feel like he was welcoming it, even though at the end he said "you can call me, or email me" when I said something really difficult about an issue. And because I'm not sure, I felt the need of setting the policy myself to myself, meaning I will do anything in my power not to contact him in between sessions.

The only time I contacted him (other than the first call asking him if he was available to take me as a client) was on friday when he missed my session.

I've realized this makes me carefully control my neediness for him. I know I can't count on him other than that 1h per week, so I'm supposed to be independent/aloof for 6 days, and then on the 7th I'm supposed to open up and present him my neediness?... Really??... Can anyone human do that? Because it's driving me mad, specially this week. I have this anger inside of me and I'm supposed to save it for a week to be able to deal with it and tell him how much he hurt me. Anger and pain that *he* caused. It's not fair, and I hate him for this.

This is my first time in therapy, I had no concept of it before, I didn't know that contact in between sessions would be important to me. I know now that usually Ts allow and welcome contact, I feel sad that I wasn't lucky enough to pick one that does

quote:

I know I can't count on him other than that 1h per week, so I'm supposed to be independent/aloof for 6 days, and then on the 7th I'm supposed to open up and present him my neediness?... Really??... Can anyone human do that?

I didn't know that contact in between sessions would be important to me. I know now that usually Ts allow and welcome contact, I feel sad that I wasn't lucky enough to pick one that does

I couldn't seem to do that either (opening up and depending on someone I could only reach one hour out of the week.) I do think newT's very liberal contact policy has helped me feel much more secure. On the other hand, I don't think it would be accurate to say that most T's welcome outside contact. I'm guessing that only a small fraction of T's out there would be as liberal with contact as mine has been. Even mine probably isn't so available to most of her clients. She doesn't even put her email address on her business card. I called her in advance of seeing her for the first time with specific requirements about outside contact, and she agreed to see me based on those.

Since you seem pretty attached to him, it would probably be quite painful to switch now. At least before you think about it, you could try to hash out with him more exactly what his policy is.

Eliana,

quote:

Anger and pain that *he* caused. It's not fair, and I hate him for this.

That same point used to really bother me, especially if I was upset over the weekend. I'd think, oh he's probably just going about his merry way and I'm all charged up about something he said as I was walking out the door.

It's very hard to just set aside your emotions and go about your life. I do have to say, though, that it does get better. As I have more trust in my T and he's learned what sets me off, the anger isn't there in the way it used to be.

I never told my T how angry it used to make me that I'd be all charged up like that in between sessions. I wish I did tell him. Do you think you'd be able to tell your T?

I don't want to add fuel to your fire but I did feel as though he was a bit short with you when you did speak after the misunderstanding. There wasn't a big apology there or it didn't sound that way. No offer to squeeze you in. You need to feel important to him. Well, I needed to feel important to my T. And I didn't tell him that for a long time. I wish I'd had the courage to talk about it earlier because he lets me know that I am important to him and it feels nice.

Just thinking out loud here. Sometimes they can be so obtuse and you have to spell things out for them, kwim?



Liese

Liese - I certainly have let rip and let my T know when she has made me angry between sessions. The first few times it was hard and it was part of my therapy to express anger in safety and not be rejected by her and I have learnt that it is ok ( altho still feels really bad) . Now I can tell her in no uncertain terms that she has made me angry and why and we discuss it and fix it.

It is part of therapy.

SD

quote:

I know I can't count on him other than that 1h per week, so I'm supposed to be independent/aloof for 6 days, and then on the 7th I'm supposed to open up and present him my neediness?... Really??... Can anyone human do that?

Can I add to that and say '...and then bring up a whole heap of stuff on day 7, only to then have to go off for another 6 days and get over it alone '

starfishy

OMG starfish, exactly!

The thing is, for me, that if something makes me feel a certain way, but I have to wait a week to discuss it, somehow I talk myself out of my feelings, think they aren't even worthy of discussing them, if that makes sense. I definitely need to start reading my journal to T word for word. I've only been able to do that twice in 22 months, but I am sure that would help to bring the feelings back, so that therapy feels like therapy to me.

I'm scared of my T.

I just realised it. He mentioned once (many weeks ago) that I have a lot of fear but only now I realised how true that is, and how much it is about him. I guess it helped that I just woke up from a nightmare where he freaks out completely. I was dreaming I was on my next session and he was so angry because I got lost on the corridors and was late to the session; he was angry for missing the last session due to my poor communication, and yelled and mocked me when I told him I was not coming back.

I just don't know if this fear is really about him or if it is transference about my mother, because she used fear to keep me under her control (not that she needed to use it much, I was too much scared of life to try anything at all). I have also been feeling a bit edgy this week because of mum, she didn't reply to my mother's day message, so I ended up sending another message last night (I guess you could read the panic in it) asking what was going on (as in "are you angry at me for some reason I missed", which is just a revival of my life as a teenager/young adult under my mother's roof).

I don't think my T has the right attitude either, but I find it really hard to put any blame on him. He has been doing everything right, he always listens to me during session, never raised his voice, etc. What else do I want? I'm also afraid that if I bring him all this stuff to him next session I will be asking the impossible/ too much/ something he can't do because of his and therapy's boundaries. I'm not even sure what I want from him, or what he can do.

I wonder if "not feeling safe" and "having a hard time talking about my feelings" there comes from the issues themselves, or because I have to talk about them to *him*. The truth is I don't feel safe with him, I don't trust him, I'm not even sure I like him anymore. But this could be the nightmare I had still echoing in my mind...

It kinda makes me feel stupid that a few days ago I was pinning for contact outside session hours. I doubt I would ever use the privilege.

Hi Eliana... it's very normal to feel fearful to seeing your T again after a rupture. I think you were trying to work things out in your dream and your fears ended up taking over, even in your unconscious. I do think that almost all of this comes from the feelings around your mom or others in your past. As you say, he has done nothing to make you feel such fear of him. Your mom sounds a lot like mine and so I'm fearful of almost everything... then add to that the abusive and abandoning behavior of my oldT and I have a lot of garbage to wade through to actually "see" my T for who he is... someone who keeps me safe and protects me and cares about me. And yes, I go back and forth on this but lately, I am able to hold him in that good place. Where he cares about me and won't hurt me.

Eliana, if you are not even sure what he can give you or what you want from him then I think that is a great starting point for your session. I would first of all address the appointment mix up. Tell him how hurt you were and ask how you (both) can avoid this happening again. I suggest that when there is a break that he give you your next appointment written on a card. It will also serve as a transitional object for you to hold onto through the break. That is not asking a lot and I think your T will be over the moon pleased that you have asked for something and that it's such an easy request to fill. And you are taking care of yourself.

Then I would suggest that you go back to basics and just talk about therapy, why you are there, and ask what you can expect and how he handles outside contact. If your T cannot or will not discuss this then it would be a red flag to me. Any T should be able to state his outside contact policy in a clear way and to also explain what you can expect from therapy.

You can also ask him if he thinks that a lot of your fears are transferred from your mom. The only way to lessen some of your fears are to talk about them in session. I have been extremely fearful and anxious around my T (for no real reason) but the more we look at my fears and talk about them the better they get. And I do think that not hearing from your mom regarding your message is also adding to your anxiety. Tell your T about this.

Okay... now that I have filled up your entire session .... I want to say good luck and be strong. It will be okay.

TN

TN, wow I LOVED your reply, gave me a sense of relief, thank you so much for that!! I'm on the go but will come back later to elaborate

So I ended up following TN's plan and talk about the appointment mix up right away in my session.

It was bad. I don't think he had realised how badly it affected me until then. I cried all session and told him how much he sucked as a T. How much it hurt me that he forgot my session (apparently that has only happened once to him in his entire career, which didn't make me feel any better) and how angry I was because he never gave me a chance to get another appointment over that phone call. That maybe it was his subconscious telling him that he didn't want to deal with me.
That I ended up having to deal with all the shit already in my life on my own, plus this one, reached out for other people while I had to control my anger for the situation for a freaking week. So I guess I rendered him useless.
That usually I'm okay with mistakes like this, but he is supposed to know how much this would hurt me, he is supposed to be more careful with me than the average human.
That I didn't know if I was coming back next week. That containing my feelings for a week and pretend all is okay, and then be open and talk about them for an hour at the end of the week feels unnatural to me and doesn't work.

Eugh.
Poor guy. I felt such a *itch for giving him a guilt trip like that, but damnit, if I can't allow myself to be angry there I can't do it anywhere. And I'm the kind of girl that is always okay with whatever people throw at me, I always forgive everyone's mistakes towards me. For once I wasn't okay with it. I'm sorry T was the chosen victim.

He said he was sorry and asked me if I could possibly believe that it was only a mistake. How unfortunate it was that it had happened to me because I have abandonment issue (well he should have told me that on the phone, not now after a whole week has passed!).That people can recover a relationship when someone screws up, there is no need to cut someone off (I do that whenever people hurt me - and it happened frequently in my life - I run away instead of taking someone back in my life, I just get rid of people and pretend they never happened in my life, that's my way of punishing them). He told me I needed to find out if I thought this relationship was worth the effort of fixing it.

I don't know. I think he is not empathic enough for me sometimes. Maybe I could get a better T. I'm scared that if I go back next week it's only because I feel sorry for him, or because that's what a good girl does. I want it to be for myself. I'm also mildly scared because tough times are approaching (I'm about to change career and move to another part of the country, so support would be nice, but it also means my T and I will be over in some months anyway, this would be a good time to end it and not go through the separation pain).

He ended up offering an extension of the session, which I refused. I told him he was only offering because he was under pressure.
I left and half an hour later he texted me saying that next weeks appointment is open if I decided to show up. I didn't reply. I didn't know what to reply.

I don't know what I'll do. I think the word to describe what I'm feeling is "unsafe". And ashamed. That I'm a bad girl. He probably doesn't want to see me anymore after what happened anyway. And I feel bad for considering him as a bad T. But he insisted so much on what I was feeling that it irritated me. I don't know what I'm freaking feeling, ask something else for christ sake!

What do I do with this now? Any ideas other than feeling that I suck as a person?

Eliana

I can totally understand how you must feel right now. You have my heartfelt sympathy.

I felt abandoned when my GP mucked up my appointment last month for goodness sake.

I thought "we trust these pro's to take care of us then they let us down"

I rang my T in tears over something that trivial needing her comfort and support, so goodness knows how bad you must feel.

Remember, you are not a bad person at all. He messed up - big time.

I'm sure he wants to see you again though.

I sincerely hope you can find the strength within you to forgive his error.

At least make another appointment with him even if you decide to cacel it later.

My heart goes out to you Eliana over this and I hope you work through it with T.

All the best

AV

Eliana, you poor thing. I know exactly what you are going through. My T hadn't forgotten a session but she has done things like forgot to email me or call me when promised. It has happened a few times. the first time - I wanted to die. I cancelled, cut her off and felt horrible. Then i text her and let rip with big angry stuff.

We met and i told her in person how angry i was and the impact her actions had on me. She apologised and we worked out a solution. but it was very painful and difficult and every part of my brain, body and soul was telling me not to trust her and to run.

Yes I didn't want to go back, yes I felt raw, injured, abandoned, rejected. Yes my usual way of dealing with people who BETRAY me is to cut them off and never think about them again.

I said to my T - what makes you different to all the rest of them who have let me down. I get rid of them so why wouldn't i get rid of you. Why should i give you a second chance?

So she told me that we are in therapy together, we have a long term relationship and we will have ups and downs and we with both make mistakes, but we will discuss them and learn from it.

The first few times - I thought oh yeah, well I am NOT going to let you hurt me ever again. But each time it has got a little easier. My T has been consistent, safe and each time she has done what she has promised. She still stuffs up, but I am trusting her. I am learning to trust.

Eliana - it is worth going back .If you don't go back - you are letting your past rule your future. This is the chance you have of changing all the bad things that happened to you and to do something different for the rest of your life.

Your T sounds like he wants to change. I love the text he sent you. I think he is worth it and I feel a positive vibe about him. If it were me - I would give him the benefit of doubt and I would go back. Trust me.

quote:

.If you don't go back - you are letting your past rule your future. This is the chance you have of changing all the bad things that happened to you and to do something different for the rest of your life.

Dealing with crap like this really is the work of therapy, Eliana. Just go back and keep working. It's hard as hell, but you'll thank yourself later.

Hey BLT - congrats on your 1000 post.

Hi Eliana,

I just wanted to say that I relate to a lot of what you wrote in your post. My T1 forgot an appointment once and it was terrible. Pretty much the same conversation that you had with your T, only mine was perhaps slightly less apologetic. We had a huge rupture over it over the course of about a week and it turned into an explosive midnight phone call with her in which she yelled and screamed at me. Eventually I realized that I was going to have to let it go if we were to continue our relationship, but reading your post does stir up a lot of emotions in me.

I do not think that your T is subconsciously not wanting to work with you, but I totally get that it feels that way. I think its important to realize that sometimes people have a hard time apologizing for their actions, especially if they are embarrassed by their mistake. It doesn't mean that he doesn't feel badly...but is more likely just that he is not a good apologizer.

His text to you to me indicates that he really does want to mend the relationship and that he does care about you. I hope that you are able to go next week and hopefully he will continue to talk through this with you rather than sweep it under the rug.

(((AV))) (((BLT))) (((SD))) (((LG))) (((everyone reading my posts)))

Just wanted to let you know that *I think* I'll go to next session. Been feeling very ambivalent about it all week but I guess it's what I wanna do, I do wanna see him and I do wanna talk to him. Even if it is just to be angry at him.

And I can always quit next session if I don't feel good about it. I think it's that choice that makes me feel better, this is not me crawling back to someone who hurt me, I will despise myself if it is.

I'll probably just go and be mad at him though. I wish I could give him a break but it's like the rational adult me is hiding when it comes to this issue. It was a mistake and it's totally "forgivable", yet I can't let it go. It's so childish really.

I'll probably text him tomorrow saying I'll go. I wanted to not let him know and check if he meant it and if he truly saved my appointment time for me but I'm worried it will backfire and he won't be there again.
*sigh*

Thank you for being on that side, really appreciated your replies.

(((Eliana)))

That's so good to hear!

Sincere best wishes for your next session.

AV

((AV)) ((Draggers)) you put a smile on my face. Only 2 days to go :-P