So, we skyped today and T didn't notice the two different buttons for video call and call and was up on video and I didn't know, so I answered as audio only. Anyway, I saw my T in a t-shirt in his home and literally answered the call in shock...
Me: Ahhhhh! You did video!
T: Was there an option?
Me: Yeah, you can call or video call (thinking: Um, how do you think we did the last two Skype sessions?)
So, we left it on for a bit and he made a comment about it being a little odd to be seen, but not see, but I told him that I couldn't do video, because (embarrassing), I could either do video or snuggle my stuffed animals during the call, but not both. He said it was OK to stay on and just have me watch him, but I walked him through how to turn it off.
Anyway, so I saw my T in a t-shirt and in his home and it was a little weird, but I was so surprised that I didn't take it in too much. Maybe if I get over my embarrassment, we will do video next time. It was nice to see him, more connecting. I wish I had just had him leave it on, but I felt unfair.
So, we finally discussed his end of what happened in that moving away incident in April and it was mostly like some of you (I think DF and others) said. He did say it has been about eight years since he had clients that he engaged in the way he does with me, so the things I was asking for were a little out of his more recent norm. But, mainly, he said that I had been having a lot of trouble leaving and being very distressed and activated and when he sat with me, he observed it getting much worse. He became concerned that there was no real "safe" distance that I was going to be able to be OK with. He said he knew it would probably be very difficult, and was prepared to pray and work through it. He said it was really hard to see how much it hurt me. Anyway, he was really good at walking me through the whole process from his end and I really feel resolved on it, that he was so carefully attending to what he thought was best, most stable, safest for me. I think I can let that go finally.
Also, I had shared the article TN posted about touch and he actually read the whole thing last night! He said it was a really comprehensive overview and just exactly how he feels about it personally, how he has been sorting it out internally and with God, and that it was so helpful to see that same opinion published by a respected clinician. He also said it was extremely useful to read that professional organizations' ethics don't specifically prohibit touch. So, he says he would like to work from where we are at now (the sitting together, which he feels good about) and negotiate the rest as we go. He said he was trying to invite asking last session, but I must have blanked it out entirely. Anyway, still not sure I'm ready to ask for it, but I do know now that it is really, really welcome.
We also discussed leaving and about the human limitations around him not leaving, but that he had this conversation come up with a client a dozen years ago and he still sees her, still drives out to this area, despite living two hours away, to continue with his existing clients. And, of course, for the unavoidable human limitations...he'd like it if we can trust God that anything that happens can be worked through, used for my good.
We had a couple of projection-related hiccups, but I risked to tell him and he clarified things. He answered some more questions from my journal. He praised how openly I am bringing up and addressing issues like boundaries and how positive, helpful and healthy it is.
He reiterated his welcome and acceptance and how positively he sees a lot of the progress I am making in just letting things happen. I may drive out to one of his other offices, 45 minutes away, on Wednesday if he has an extra opening. We will see how my Monday/Tuesday session goes (will have to be daytime, because H is out of town) and if he has a Wednesday afternoon opening and if he does, he'll let me know and I can have extra support to get through H's vacation. He says his other office is in a great location, with lots of grass outside and downtown within walking distance, so it would be a good spot for an outdoor session. Anyway, we'll see. I'm not getting my hopes up, as he is always so busy.
Missing my T a lot, but feeling safe and connected for now.
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He still thought it was very sweet, though...it's just that he thinks most people are not happy to have been in therapy a year and are looking toward when they can be done. He said that even I sometimes frame things in that way (at least when I am talking about wanting things to move faster, but that is only because I want to feel ready to leave before he is ready to retire!). But, he also understands that I also probably have a longer therapy trajectory than many of his current and recent clients and he understands why commemorating it might be important to me, especially in the context of other stuff we were talking about, regarding birthdays and other anniversaries and how and why those things are significant to me.