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13 replies

My T is gone-heartbroken

M mrsprufrockMember
Well today was a bit of a shocker. I had my session with my T which was going quite well. We had discussed the possibility of me changing therapists soon as I might be leaving college for a year. And so today, in the middle of my session, I said that I had decided to defer and that I wouldn't be attending college next year. Then my T started talking about how it would be good to continue therapy for the year with someone else etc. (all of this had been discussed before and was no shock) but....then he said " I guess we'll finish up on today's session then" I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I wanted to scream "No, please, just give me some time" I hadn't expected it to be all so abrupt. I thought my T would ease me gradually in. But no, today was it and he finished by asking me how I felt about it ending. Of course I couldn't put what I wanted to say into words, all I could manage was "I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard" and then started crying. I felt like my heart was breaking. He looked so concerned and said how we'd been dealing with some difficult issues. At that moment all I felt like I wanted to say was that I would miss HIM,not just the sessions. I haven't talked about my transference with him in detail. I did mention I had feelings and in some ways I feel like he knows how deeply I feel for him but since I never brought myself to say it, he didn't want to hurt me by second guessing. Or perhaps he's oblivious. I don't know.

At the very end he asked me if there was anything I wanted to add. I made my best efforts to thank him enough but I wasn't as articulate or open as I would have liked, I wanted to make it more personal but couldn't as it hurt so much. When I realised it was all going to be over I stated trying to drink in as much of him as I could, how different parts of him looked, how he acted towards me.

And as I walked out the door for the final time, still with tears on my face, I longed for that elusive touch, even a brush....but nothing. I feel so empty and sad. He told me that I needed to find a new T sooner rather than later but the propect of starting up again is so so daunting. And possibly getting hurt again, I don't know if I can do it.
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Crazy Lady.. .I'm soo sorry for the pain you are in over this. Abrupt termination is every patients worst nightmare. And I think it's very cruel for Ts/Ps to handle termination this way. Especially to spring it on you during the session. I think it's harmful and could border on unethical.

I don't understand why he terminated you or why you had been talking about doing so. Maybe I'm missing something? If I were you I would call him and tell him that upon reflection and having time to process what happened that you need a few sessions to deal with this termination to wrap things up in a more gentle way. That you need some time for closure and that doing it this way was very traumatic for you. I would think at least he could have given you some referrals to see.

I'm sorry that you are going through this pain. I cannot even imagine how it feels. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Summer has been through something like this and she has worked hard to find peace in it. I think she will tell you that posting and telling your story can be healing.

Again, I'm sorry.

TN
M mrsprufrockMember
Hi TN and Summer. Thanks for your replies.

There are a few things that I forgot to mention- 1. is that we had a limited number of sessions due to me being a student in college and seeing him through there. While he mentioned this a month or two ago he didn't bring it up recently.

The other, and from what I can see, main reason that he finished up is that I have decided to defer my college year and, as such, am no longer a college student until next year. Thus he can't treat me. However, I didn't know it would be as cut and dried as that until yesterday. He told me that he was frustrated that he couldn't continue with me but said "that's life" which for some reason bothered me.

So, after reading your posts I kinda wonder if I've given an unfair and biased view of what happened. Maybe I had lots of warning but didn't see it. It certainly didn't feel like it though. I would've liked him explicitly saying "next weeks session will be our last" sort of thing.
M mrsprufrockMember
Thanks for the advice Summer. While I can take your thoughts on board I couldn't imagine making such a complaint about my T. I've spent the last number of days thinking about him and the termination. I've told myself that in fact he did give me notice but maybe I didn't see it, I don't know anymore. What scares me is that this uncertainty is leading to a mistrust of things that have been shared between us before this. I didn't think it would have such a profound affect but I've started calling a lot of his work with me into question.

It shouldn't be such a big deal, I knew that we had a limited number of sessions and that they would have to end soon. And I knew that it would be hard and hurt filled. While thinking about him yesterday I happened to see him in passing and it almost ripped my stomach apart. He seemed so normal and ok. I felt so sad and confused. I just feel like when he saw me crying once we recognised it would be ending he should've pushed me for more about how I was feeling.

I had mentioned transference though it was referred to as dependency more often not. And I understood what was happening and I knew nothing could happen between us. Which is why I never pushed boundaries. I only emailed once and besides that I never asked ANYTHING about him as a person, I left it all as a very professional thing, or so I thought.

But while I didn't have the courage to tell my T my true feelings about him, besides how much of a fantasy they were, I now wonder if he knew. Why he didn't try to get me to open up about them. Was he scared and uncomfortable or did he just not know the depth of my feelings? So many damn questions. And I feel like I should've asked them sooner.
M mrsprufrockMember
Hi Summer. Thanks for replying.

I get what you mean about the being nice thing. I found it funny that my T got so excited when I got angry, he was always happy to see some anger come from me, it was never about him but about other things. Although he did mention once that he had noticed that I was angry at him for a number of sessions which I had to smile at because I hardly recognised it myself-I guess I felt that he wasn't helping me enough, taking over responsibility for me as that's what I wanted.

Logically I know he had no motivation to hurt me and he has had to reassure me many times before that he would not mislead me and placate me, that my problems were real. I do wonder if he was scared to face up to my feelings about him though. I tend to think the best of people but I wonder what help it was not to address this "dependency" or transferrence. I feel like he knew what was going on and although it was up to me to bring it to him I think he should have pushed me a bit more. Like I said, he preferred to refer to it as dependency rather than transferrence which seems like a bit of a cop-out now.

Now I'm in a huge mess because I have finally had the discussion with some of my family that I should've had ages ago about what I'm going to do for the next year and how I'm feeling. And they keep asking me about my T and why I feel the way I do. I don't feel comfortable talking about it or about him with them. They're asking me if I think he helped me and my current feelings are so complicated that I don't know how to give a straight answer to a lot of the questions.
M mrsprufrockMember
Hi all.

Well I have decided to defer my college year. It it not a popular decision with my family to say the least and I am absolutely terrified of whether I'm making the wrong decision or not.

I miss my T terribly. Ironically, the week following my final session with him has been utterly hectic with my family finally speaking about my decision to defer college face to face and asking me questions about where I think these problems began and how effective I thought therapy was. I found a lot of the questioning to be very intrusive for some reason, particularly about my T-I found myself defending him even though I'm actually quite hurt and confused.

I am still thinking about emailing him about a possible "wind-up" session if it's possible. I just feel like I need to know why he never addressed the transference and why the ending seemed so abrupt. On the other hand, I don't know if I could bring myself to tell him my true feelings face to face. Like you said Summer, it could well be that he did not want to open a can of worms about the transference as he knew it would take some time to work through.

I really need to do something about this soon as the time I'm spending wondering about him could be used to get a new T and get started on the work with him/her.

Thanks for putting up with the complaining!
M mrsprufrockMember
A few weeks have passed since I had my last session and the pain is still there. I'm trying to let go of having a final session to "sort things out". I don't know if I'm putting off what I'm going to do inevitably but for now I'm just telling myself that the way it ended isn't important as the relationship we had was a therapeutic one and I was totally hooked on the transference feelings.

So today I spent some time looking for an appropriate gift for him and all I kept looking at were things that seemed to intimate, about how I would never forget him etc. While I feel this way I don't know if I can give it to him. I almost feel stupid and embarrassed. Also, when I was looking I realised that I wanted to get him a meaningful gift and I don't know what he likes. it really got to me. To have such strong feelings for him and yet not to know what he likes. And that's because I never asked him. I knew it wasn't the appropriate thing to do and although I longed for it, I tried to protect myself by not asking him. I do know he has problems with his back. I kinda want to get him something for it to show that I was listening and care but I feel it might be too personal and rather strange!

So, I am in the process of starting with a new T. To email/contact or not to email/contact my old T. I really don't know what to do! I miss him so much. And something in life has gone well for me today (got offered work for the next 6 months in a place that I enjoy and feel relaxed and not intimidated) and he's one of the first people I thought of talking to. But I couldn't. I wish I knew if he had counter-transference or if he cared about happened to me. Not that it would change things, it would just make me feel better.
M mrsprufrockMember
Hi Summer. Thanks so much for your response, it really helps being able to talk to someone who can relate to what I'm feeling. I've only disclosed a tiny bit of my feelings to 2 very close friends and I know they think it's a bit strange and find it hard to empathise with my situation.

I picked up a present today (something for his back as he said he had problems with it). I know the gift is unconventional and I also know that I picked it to show that I also paid attention to everything he said in our sessions. Sad but true. Perhaps he'll think it strange or too intimate. I don't know. And I don't know what his policy is regarding gifts. So, I feel like I need to put a disclaimer in there to return the gift if he wants. The only problem is I intend to give a card as well, expressing my appreciation but I don't feel like I can do that without talking to him about the termination first.

So now I face a conundrum. I feel like one more session would do the world of good to clear things up, I do not want anymore after that. I just need a face to face answer to a few questions. Though I fear I would be imposing and it would be too awkward. I really don't know what to do Frowner
M mrsprufrockMember
Thanks Summer and SG.

Well I've made my decision. I've emailed him tonight. I said that I had problems with the abruptness of the session even though he had given me warning and that my transference feelings were bothering me. That I hadn't brought them up before properly as I was embarrassed and thought it would make things uncomfortable.

And then I asked if we could discuss it via email or in person. I also told him that it was ok if he couldn't and that he had done a lot for me over the past while.

I guess now I play the waiting game. My stomach is in knots.
M mrsprufrockMember
I got the reply I thought I was looking for but now I'm dreading the session! My T replied to me yesterday and said that he would be free to meet up for a one off session next week and that he hoped it would be of some help to me.

I really don't know what to expect.It's one thing to type that I have transference feelings, it's another to talk openly about them. And this is my only chance.Maybe I should write him a letter. I really don't know!! I'm so embarrassed for even contacting him again.

Clearly the idea of T's is on my mind though as I had a dream about him last night (not the first time) but I don't remember what he did it in. What I do remember is meeting a new male T and him treating me terribly, so much so that I couldn't understand how he could be so unfeeling. Just a dream, I know, but weird all the same. I guess all I can do is go next week and hope for the best.
M mrsprufrockMember
Well I went through with it. I wasn't brave enough to go into explicit details but I told my T that transference had become a problem and that I wanted to discuss it a bit with him to clear things up. He said that sometimes college T's don't get into it as they have a limited amount of time to work with patients and they don't want to open a can of worms so to speak when they can't stay working with the client. Also, he didn't want to ambush me with such a delicate issue early on. He also admitted that maybe he was at fault for not realizing what a big deal it was for me. That was good of him. I told him that I was very cagey anyway as I was so embarrassed about the whole thing. So while I'm left with the feeling still, particularly the erotic ones which I never discussed with him, I know that he wasn't avoiding the issue. Maybe I should have given the gory details but he recognized that it was too hard to say, I think he got the message.

We discussed my life at present a little and he said I was still under a great deal of pressure and that I needed to find a new T to work with.

As for the seemingly abrupt departure, we didn't really come to any conclusion on that, just that we couldn't continue due to his contract but at least I got to tell him I was shocked and upset. I knew that the transference was mirroring my relationship with my dad and that I had felt hurt and angry at my T in the past too. That I had wanted more support from him.

I need to find a new T soon. I'm not looking forward to it but I really feel like I need that support for now.

The sad thing is I still feel so deeply for my old T. He looked more attractive than ever today, I hated even bringing up the issues I mentioned as I said to him that I was not questioning his motives. And I know I'll be thinking about him for a long time to come.

I never gave the present. I couldn't. I didn't want to see his reaction. I'll drop it into the receptionists office during the week.
M mrsprufrockMember
Hi HB, thanks for the response. I don't know how brave I was today. I'm glad you said that bringing up the erotic feelings wouldn't have been helpful as I was wondering if I should have bitten the bullet and told him how intensely I felt for him. I was afraid it would be another regret. Like I said, I think he got the gist of it. He asked if it was too difficult to speak about as he had picked up on my hesitation.

While I felt good for having cleared a few things up, it soon wore off as I realised that that really was the end. And due to my situation I could bump into him a few times around campus during the year which I am absolutely dreading.

Thanks for your support, I really hope I manage to find a good T as this is my 3rd time having to readjust to a T in a year and it's just too much effort.

Meanwhile, I just want to escape from everything. It's a scary feeling but it's not the first time I've felt this way. I just don't know how much more I can do this.
M mrsprufrockMember
Hi HB.

Thanks so much for your words of support. I just feel like no-one (as in those around me, not people on here as they've been great!) understands how I feel about my T and ending with him. The few close friends I have told have nodded and hoped that I feel better but I know they think I'm a bit odd, it's not something they have encountered themselves and find it hard to understand that I could care so much about someone I barely know.

And I'm fed up with trying to trivialise it or say it's nothing, that I should get on with things. My feelings mirror what I felt with my last (and first) boyfriend of a year and a half. I constantly wanted reassurance and touch. I craved intimacy and felt so unloved when I was the one always suggesting it. It turned out that this was just his way, he was very laid back. But the way the relationship ended, with him withholding intimacy from me almost killed me.

I understand what I felt now. And for this reason I know I can't be with anyone else for a while as that is still what I crave, what I wanted from my T too. Someone to hold me, reassure me, to tell me everything's going to be ok. I'm crying as I'm typing this. Frowner Until I sort these feelings I'm not willing to be with anyone as it would not be fair to them or me I suppose. But it's been a year and a half and the loneliness is creeping in.

My relationship with my father is in disarray. I feel so angry at him. My mother and brother have tried to convince me not to defer my college year and seem disappointed that I have. I don't feel like I have a home anymore.

Apologies for the pessimism of the post, I guess I'm just venting. Well, for me it's just being honest but I appreciate all the words of support. The last thing I want to feel is that I'm looking for attention or pity.

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