Hi everyone,

Got a gentle bomb-drop from my T today. The session started out with a lot of catching-up kind of chit-chat (we usually have weekly sessions, but I've missed the last two weeks due to my vacation one week and Memorial Day last week). I started getting into other stuff, but with all kinds of long pauses...as usual...and then she said there was something she needed to discuss with me, and was now a good time...so I said yes...and she said, she's moving in September. And she's letting everyone know now so we have the summer to process it.

She was really good about asking me how I was doing with it, but actually I think I'm okay. I told her I'm not surprised at all, I've kind of been expecting it, with as many times as she's said about how she wants to live somewhere warmer...and she said this winter was especially awful...and it was, it really was...and her best friend lives where she's moving to...and it's been really hard for her to make it here...and where she's moving is bigger, and she's hoping to build a bigger client base there.

After that there wasn't a whole lot of time left, so we spent the rest in that uncomfortable silence where I'm thinking things, but also thinking, what's the use in saying it anyway. Sometimes during these times she says she wishes she could find out where I've "gone" - like she did today - but I never know what to say in response.

I did tell her that this actually comes at a relatively good time for me, because I was already wondering what I was going to do over the summer for childcare during sessions, and I've also been waffling about possibly taking a break from therapy. But I'm also worried about this fall, when (due to changing circumstances) one of my main topics of discussion might become an issue again, and so I was kind of counting on her to be available during that time if the feelings that come up are really difficult to manage. She gave me the name of a friend of hers with a similar approach in case I might need her. But she's 2+ hours away from where I live, so it's not real likely to work out...but she mentioned her so I asked for it.

So that was about it. I'm not sure if my lack of reaction to her leaving is real, or if it's a delayed thing. The only bit of panic I'm having right now is not having her there in the fall. She's the one who knows the whole back story, I've done all the groundwork with her, and I knew I could trust her to understand and not to shut me down if I needed to talk about my feelings. Now if I want or need that, I'll have to find someone else...and that's not real likely.

One of the biggest things I've learned from her is something I've also heard here, and that is to "live into" the feelings that come up, instead of running away from them. Something came up with my daughter this weekend that helped to illustrate this to me (again). On Friday, my daughter had a graduation ceremony (they are fourth graders and will be going to the middle school for fifth grade next year). She was very excited about the ceremony because she was the “maestro” for one of the songs…and she looked happy up until that point…but then after that, she started to cry. At one point she was sitting in the back waiting for the next part, still crying, so I got up and got some tissue to bring to her and asked her what was wrong. She said she was feeling really sad because they were leaving that elementary school…and it’s even worse because that particular school is closing, this is their last year…and it feels like home so it makes her sad.

(side note: it is so eerie that she has this response...because I was exactly the same way in school...always nostagically sad when the year ended...and no one else seemed to be...even though so many of them had more memories than I did, as they had more friends and did more stuff...)

I asked my daughter if she wanted to stop participating in the ceremony, and she said no…but then she asked me if she could cry some more with me when we got home. And of course I said, of course we can do that. And we did, she really sobbed with me for a while, holding her on her bed. She talked about the happy memories she had…and after a while of listening, and affirming that yes, this is really sad, I said, just think of all the happy memories you’re going to make at the middle school, too (because I know she’s really excited about going there). And then she said, but then I’ll be sad leaving there, too! And so we talked about how whenever we make happy memories, there’s also the sadness of leaving them behind…and how there’s no getting out of it, there will always be sadness with the happiness. I swear I felt like I was channeling (or trying to anyway) several people here, AND my T. I think it might have been okay, because later my daughter was cutting up and joking with me again.

My T was really happy to hear all this today, and commented again at what a difference this is, compared to the dynamic between me and my mom. And it is. I just hope it’s enough, you know?

The other thing that is going on is that for the last few months I have the sense that I’m “putting everything away” with respect to the things I was so driven to talk about in therapy when I first started out. Like I’m “done”…but I know that’s not possible because I still cry about some of it…like just this weekend, I was crying about one of my issues in reaction to a movie my DH asked me to watch with him…I had to go to bed early to get away from it, and I know my DH was disappointed I “left” him alone to watch the rest of the movie, he was trying so hard…and I was considering asking DH, again, if we can move before the fall so I don’t have to possibly deal with this issue "up close and personal" again…so I’m not sure what’s happening, or how to stop it. I keep trying to talk about these things, but the urgency to do so seems to be missing. Like today. But I’m still not sure if that had something to do with my T saying she was leaving. Or maybe it's that I'm done doing the work I needed to do with her. IDK.

Ugh, long post. Thanks for reading. And thanks for being here.

SG