Im am empathizing with your situation. 6 weeks is a long time.

I can also see his point of view. How is it not fair for him to go on vacations? Do you take vacations? Would you want to be on call during your vacation? I would not.

I am thinking...Let him recharge. He cannot be as effective in helping you unless he also takes care of himself. Working with people all day, even while enjoyable, often necessitates large periods of "alone" time.

How is your life on hold without a T? I'm not understanding. Is therapy a part of your life, or has it become your ENTIRE life? Or does it just feel that way?

On the other hand, I also want to say hang in there and know that it is OK to feel pain and express it. You feel the way you feel, and it's not for anyone to judge.

Hello and thanks for your replies.

To number9

“How is your life on hold without a T? I'm not understanding. Is therapy a part of your life, or has it become your ENTIRE life? Or does it just feel that way? “

Well I have been through a lot of trauma and abuse and I have PTSD and anxiety and depression and some other problem, and my T has really been helpinging me through much and is also helping me to be a better mom to my child, and helping me to know what is normal and not, because I had some mess up childhood so in some way therapy is a big part of my life, and when I get like “triggered” and get some flashbacks about some things I could hang on like to my next session and talk then but now its building up a lot of things , and I have difficulty hanging in there ..
Sorry I wish I could explain better, it’s just I feel sometimes I opened up “Pandora box” and I can’t close it.

I have been doing some work on my past and dealing with it, and it opens up feelings, so that is what I mean some of my life is on hold, because there are something’s I am dealing with, with my T help. I hope you can understand...

I do understand that my T needs time to recharge and time with his family, I am also afraid he will just be so happy to get rid of me , or forgets me , and I am left alone , after all the work it took to trust him..

To dragonfly ..
Thank you for your understanding, I will thing about it , the problem is itis quite personal, and my T has been helping me to deal with it, ..

Thanks for clarifying. I feel as if I'm better able to understand your point of view. It is SO important to feel understood, isn't it?

Opening up a box without being able to process it. I think I have been there. Yes. It sucks.



Got it.

((((ANNA))))

I completely understand how awful it must feel that your T is away and not available for 6 weeks. I know you really like him but sometimes I think there are things about his "style" - whether you want to call it his attachment style or not - that trigger your issues. I'm not sure he's always as sensitive as he could be to you. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a vacation but .... well, who the heck gets 6 weeks off? I can only think of teachers. He may need it to recharge but my thought here is that you might need a T who has more availability?

Uggggggghhhhhhhhh. I'm very biased because I would be feeling much the same as you do.

On the other hand, they do say that clients grow a lot during a T's vacations as difficult as they are. Did he give you the names of any other T's that you can talk to while he is away? Any resources?


(((((ANNA)))))))

((Liese)) Thank so much for your input, yes sometimes I feel like I am forcing my T to have me in therapy, and shortly before his holiday we were talking about some heavy stuff, and in the end of that session he said well I see you in 6 weeks and I just what, don’t we have 1 time before, so I could prepare myself and have some resources like coping list , I had to come up with all that and more, he did agree to see me 1 more time before holiday, I did tell him if I were a normal patient I would ask for some name but I can’t make a another contact it’s just too hard for me, but he did really not give me any advice to cope in this 6 weeks…

I have some issues with intimacy and now I just meet a man, and I am panicking , and my T is the only one I have been able to trust and now I am like stuck, I know I should trust myself , and I do respect he is on holiday , but it’s just hard ..

((( anna ))) i really don't have anything to offer as i myself would find that a difficult place to be in right now. just wanted to let you know i'm thinking about you.

Hi Anna... I am sorry you are struggling with your T away for so long on a vacation. I really suffered when my oldT went away on vacation for only 20 days! My current T will not take more than a week or 10 day vacations because he knows how patients will suffer and/or regress while he is gone and he does not think it is fair to the patient. He does take 4 vacations a year but only for a week at a time. This works fine for my needs and I too have PTSD and anxiety. He also encourages me to send him a short check-in email while he is gone. I have done this and it works great. He says it is important to maintain a connection and I am learning to do this. I no longer get upset or scared when he leaves and I am not angry at him when he gets back because we have worked on this over and over and I am well prepared. He will also allow me to have a transitional item while he is gone to help the connection. By working on this together I avoid being triggered or scared by his absence.

I hope if you stay with this T he will learn to better prepare you for his long vacations. There are many things he could do and not leave you struggling and feeling abandoned while he is away.

In the meantime, please come here as often as you want to and talk about how you are feeling and what you are doing to pass the time. You can also feel free to ask for advice and ideas on how to survive the wait for T to return.

Thinking of you
TN

just wanted to send some supportive hugs- the people here are so helpful and understanding, I think they can help you through this painful time. It must be just awful to have to "keep a lid on it" after opening up all that stuff. Big strengthening hug,

Beebs

The first time my T went on a week long vacation it was no big deal. I started to look forward to seeing her again about 3 days before my session. This past 4th of July she left for a 7 day vacation and I missed her. I thought about her a lot and my fantasies about her became intense again. I will not text her when she is gone or on her days off, but I often want to.

This would really affect me badly.

My T and I have worked so hard on me attaching to her - that this would be quite devastating for me - i am lucky because my T doesn't take many holidays - she works part time already and spreads her workload out. She is taking a week off in a few months and we will make plans for contact. I guess my T knows that clients like me need consistent contact. I am currently away from her for 3 weeks and we have a contact schedule arranged - emails, phone calls and skype. Mostly this has been her suggestion (probably because she knows I would be too scared to ask). My T really gets the commitment needed for attachment based therapy and i am thankful for that.
SD

Hi Anna,

Indeed, that would really affect unsettle me too. 6 weeks is a very long time to be left without any connection or support. I wonder if you were able to tell him this when he comes back, if then he and you might be able to plan a strategy for when it happens again. Whikst I can understand that he has a need for some time away from clients, he also has a responsibility to make sure (as far as he is able) that they are best prepared as possible for that break.

Remember the countdown thread is usually active with people on breaks if you need company

Take care,
starfishy

Hi,


I wanted to give you all a hug.

Take care,
uphill

I got to thinking about this, and talking to one of my mentors.

When she went on maternity leave, she had someone take her place for that period of time.

This may be harder for a T to pull off, but technically, it could be considered abandonment.
There is a big gray area here.

Thanks for giving some perspective on the client's side. Tired of some of my teachers and peers (acupuncture and bodywork) perpetuating a crappy attitude towards clients.

2 sides. Lots of gray, but I get it. Thanks!

This really sums it all up.

quote:

2 sides. Lots of gray

There are always at least 2 sides. Depends on whether or not the needs are complimentary or in conflict. There is always a way to be empathic towards the others needs even when they are not complimentary to our own. In my opinion, a psychotherapist should always be empathic to the clients needs even if they are in conflict with their own.

hi anna,

i'm sorry you have to endure such a long break, 6 weeks is such a long time, especially with no contact! it seems a little cruel (or careless) on his part!!
my T also takes a 6 week break (actually i think its more like 5 weeks but its 6 weeks for me to wait till the next appointment) but she does accept phonecalls if i need to call her, which made a big difference...

but what made an even bigger difference for me was this forum! talking to people who are on a break too and getting support and feeling understood was such a huge help, i strongly recommend that you keep posting on here and you'll get a lot of support and understanding too!

there's a thread called 'another countdown' with a bunch of lovely people who are on a break or just supporting each other in general, i'm sure you will feel most welcome, here is the link below (hope it works) :
http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...09181/m/995000545001



puppet

Hi everyone and thanks allot for all of your support, it has touch my heart...

He actually did not make me appointment until 8 weeks from last appointment, its six weeks from now on until I see him, I think he was tired, I am really struggling, and think sometimes he is waiting for me to quit on him, I am really struggling, and need advice, I know there is a forum here for people like me waiting, if everything was ok I could wait but 8 weeks, it’s like more than normal.

But I want to send him e-mail and saying to him I need help and if he is not available if he could find another solution, not that I should just “life my life” and find my own way, I feel little bit abandoned and maybe that is not fair of me to ask him for a time when he is on holiday, but what should I do if I am really deeding some advice , and I have been let down by another doctor, and like some of you know it has taken me a lot of time and effort to trust him, that’s why I don’t understand why he can’t sometimes understand what this means to me, .

Is he trying to make me quit on him, should I really send him e-mail and ask him , I need help to ground me and what should I do ? Or does some know how or what I really is fair or not …

Can you ask him if he can provide another T for you in his absence? This is ethical on his part.

I get that a fill-in T is not going to be the perfect solution, but it does put some of the responsibility on T for providing a standard of care in his absence.

If done in a polite, clear, direct and constructive manner, it also demonstrates that you are willing to continue, and gives you back some of the power in the relationship, as does acknowledging and respecting his time off.

Easier said than done, I know. It can still feel crappy. I should probably also ask: What are you feeling most strongly, a sense of attachment, or a sense that you feel powerless, or both?

I don't know the answer, do you?

(((((ANNA)))))))

quote:

Is he trying to make me quit on him, should I really send him e-mail and ask him , I need help to ground me and what should I do ? Or does some know how or what I really is fair or not …

I feel for you because I felt like that for a long time, that my T wanted to make me quit on him. It's such a hard place to be in because you need to feel close to your T and that he likes working with you but at the same time, you are getting the sense that he is pushing you away. Well, that's how I felt. And my T didn't always get it. He does now, thank goodness.

But as far as you are concerned, I don't get the feeling that your T is able to reassure you that you are not asking too much, that you are not being too needy. Whether it's him or some transference on your part or both of you, it's hard to tell.

I think it's a great idea to ask him directly if he is trying to get you to quit. Just my opinion here but I think it would be better to do that in person. So much gets misunderstood via email. And what if what he says triggers you instead of helps you to feel better and then he's still unavailable for another 6 weeks?

Anna, can you find another therapist to talk to while he is away? Can you try to find a trauma specialist in your area just to help bridge the gap in time?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Liese:

I feel for you because I felt like that for a long time, that my T wanted to make me quit on him. It's such a hard place to be in because you need to feel close to your T and that he likes working with you but at the same time, you are getting the sense that he is pushing you away. QUOTE]

Hello (Liese))

That is how I feel , but then I meet him and one time I did ask him , he is working in a vclinic and has a office in town, and I asked him if he was there for me on long haul , that if we were not able to meet in the clinic (its free) that we could continue in his office that was about 3 session ago , so I could really be able to open up more, and he said yes, and I was like its hard for me that you go on 6 weeks holiday nad he said we will pick up again were we left off, but then in last session he was like saying oh we meet again in 8 weeks and see what is going on , it made me little panick,

But then I see him and he is ok , and like fully compassionated , so I am so confused and tired of this mixed signals..

Hi Anna,

I agree with Liese that I wouldn't open up too much of this in an email in case you do get a reply that is confusing and leaves you more distressed over the next 6 weeks.

I occasionally send brief emails to my P and we've had some major misunderstandings through email, in which I totally misinterpreted his tone. Sometimes it took more than 1 session to sort it out and I can remember even considering quitting him over an email, which I had totally misunderstood! Now, I don't email him about highly emotional issues, but just use it as a way to clarify something or touch base with him.

I think you should ask him for a referral while he is away because 8 weeks is a long time to go between sessions. Maybe you could see another T at the clinic? It won't be the same, but another T will be empathetic to what you are going through as you miss your T.

When my former P was away for 6 weeks unexpectedly, I went to another T and she helped me realize that all the feelings I was experiencing were normal, under the circumstances.

Does he handle appointments differently for the clinic and his private practice? Is the clinic giving him more time off? Maybe he has less control over the hours at the clinic?

I hope you find someone to help you in the meantime,
Summer

(((((ANNA)))))

Wondering tonight if your T does enjoy working with you but is one of those T's who thinks dependency is bad? Maybe that's what all this stuff is about. Maybe you can ask him straight up about his feelings about dependency. If that's what this is all about, we can give you some articles to bring into him.

quote:

Originally posted by Liese:
Wondering tonight if your T does enjoy working with you but is one of those T's who thinks dependency is bad? Maybe that's what all this stuff is about. Maybe you can ask him straight up about his feelings about dependency. If that's what this is all about, we can give you some articles to bring into him.

Hi Liese..
Hi I have tried to ask him , and sometimes he is ok with dependency and sometimes I feel he has had enough of me or just feel that, and sometimes he is there for me and sometimes I feel like he is cold and shutt .. Has anyone of you feelt like this ? I am getting little bit angry , feel like he dumped me and abonded me for 2 months, I feel like its forever

quote:

we can give you some articles to bring into him.

Please can you give me some links , so I can give to him, I am little bit afraid that he thinks I am saying he is not good T. How has your T acted when you if you have given him some articles to read ?

((((ANNA))))

I can only imagine how difficult this must be. My T has been very receptive to me bringing in articles and he has really enjoyed them. But everyone's T is different.

He might not have all his feelings worked out re: dependency. Maybe the articles will help. They helped my T a lot because when he went to school, they taught that dependency was bad.

Here's the link. Hope it helps. In the meantime, I hope you can find some peace.

I don't know if I'm doing this right.

http://www.trauma-pages.com/a/steele-2001.php

 http://www.trauma-pages.com/a/steele-2001.php 

Here is a quote from a part of the article that I think speaks to your situation:

quote:

On the other hand, a patient who cannot depend on the therapist at all is not likely to progress either. The activation of dependency means increased demands on the therapist by the patient, sometimes for immediate gratification, leading to strong countertransference pressures (Van Sweden, 1995). If the therapist responds erratically or with detachment or enmeshment, dependency will increase further rather than resolve, since unpredictable responsiveness prolongs dependency (Main, 1990).

Hi liese..
Thank you for the links, they worked fine ..
I am really thinking if I should send him e-mail and with this link, and tell him I am struggling,, I am just little bit angry, to my T, that if he wants me to gie up on him , then I wish he could say that, not say see you in 8 weeks, I want to send him mail and ask him do you want me quite, or say that I am really crashing down, I don , just getting really tired, and the life is getting harder and harder by day..

((((ANNA))))

I don't know what to say. I'd hate for things to explode between the two of you while he is unavailable for another 6 weeks. It doesn't sound like he knows how to handle your dependency needs and may actually be mishandling them a bit. The article might help him.

Wish there was a simple answer and a clearcut solution.

So hello.

I was thinking that I sholud maybei send him e-mail , does any one have any idea how its best to put it in words, because I dont want to crash in his holiday, just need what to do or how to handle this bad feeling, and that I am crashing so fast down, that I am really struggling..
Thanks alot everyone

Hi Anna, I think you should email him and tell him that your are feeling emotionally fragile and you need support and that 8 weeks is too long to be without any therapy. Then ask him for a back up therapist to see until he gets back. You definitely need someone to talk to.

I have a real issue with T's who "abandon" their patients for long periods of time while they are off jaunting around on vacation! EIGHT WEEKS is not a vacation ... it is a leave of absence or a sabatical. Patients who are in need should NOT be left to fend for themselves for that length of time. This actually verges on the unethical. Your T was irresponsible to leave you without a back up T or an interim T to help you through his absence. I truly believe the longest acceptable vacation is 3 weeks for a therapist. My T won't ever take longer than 10 days and usually it's only 7 days of vacation at a time because he realizes the impact it has on his patients and they end up regressing.

Why would he need 8 weeks? No one else that I know of takes 8 week vacations and they are not responsible for the mental health of people.

Anna you have every right to be angry at him. Email him and tell him so and ask for the names of some T's you can see until he gets back.

Good luck
TN

anna, I'm so sorry your T has done this. You have every right to feel upset and angry at being left with no T support for such a long time, and I think emailing him and asking for a back-up T is a great idea.



landa

Oh anna so sorry you're having a bad time *hugs*. I can totally relate, my T is going on a 4 week holiday really soon and I'm already feeling abandoned by him.

Accidentally he is leaving during a specially hard time of my life (the hardest since I started T).

Last session I asked him if he felt guilty about leaving me during the time I need him the most, and he said he felt sad instead. Made me realize I don't want him to feel guilty, I want him to enjoy his holidays and come back full of energy to help me better, but I also saw him putting his basic needs first, without regrets. Which is a double edge knife really. On one hand it's an opportunity to learn that I have the right to do the same, to put my needs first (and I have huge issues doing this, I tend to put myself in abusive situations), but on the other side i get to experience abandonment from a "parental figure". However I feel secure enough to know he is coming back.

I'm not sure if I can contact him during those weeks, we haven't brought it up (I'm scared of his answer) but I doubt I will be able to contact him.

If you do email him I think it's a good idea to keep it really basic and simple. I think I would ask for reassurance, asking him if we are okay, if he is sure he is coming back, if he'll think about me, stuff like that. More elaborate things might be misunderstood and make you feel worse than before.

Just letting you know you're not alone anna. Hang in there.

(((ANNA)))

Just checking in to see how you are doing and what you decided to do, if anything.

Hi Leise and other wonderful people

Thank you and everyone for taking your time to help me, I am still struggling, and not sure if I should mail my T or not, I am trying to see this as his holiday, but I am also afraid he will just be so happy not to have to see me anymore, just me feelings are all over the place, and I don’t understand it really, and I am so angry to myself that I let me connect to him..

Hello all here,
I am still struggling to if I should e-mail him or not... Wish I knew what is the right answear is in this Situation ..

There's nothing wrong with sending him an email. It is unobtrusive and perfectly okay.

Perhaps consider starting statements with 'I don't know why I feel this way... But...". Try to avoid the blame and your email will probably be warmly received.

Any time I start a statement like that, my T gets that I'm not directing things at her, but my time in a space with her is the 'test zone'.

I say go for it.

Hi all.

I just gave up and sent my t a e-mail,

I have tried to use other forms of help last days but no luck, so I really as my last chance I sent my T e-mail, I don´t know if he answer or not...