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45 replies

My T terminated me

sdsdMember
Hi All,

I have posted this in the restricted area as I had an ongoing thread. But True North has encouraged me to post here. I have mentioned my problems this week about me struggling to confide in my beloved T about a serious issue. T and I share a mutual friend that T knew about before sessions started. I have had childhood abuse, neglect, zero attachment - so bit by bit over the past 10 months I have learnd to be safe and to confide in T. As I have become more safer - I have become attached and some real therapy was happening. I was feeling so comfortable I began talking about the conflict I was having with our shared friends. I had asked them not to talk about T in my presence, but they kept doing it - and so this week while I had an incredibly bad session PLUS was unable to confide in her (first person ever) about my SI issues - i was fully charged and stressed. So when one of the friends came to my house - all she spoke about was T.

I absolutely flipped out and snapped and put my issues down in an email to T. I was incredibly angry because i thought T had lied to me, the friends were treating me differently etc.

After I calmed down, I wrote another explanatory T and begged forgivness.

So we had the usual session today and after 2 minutes, T terminated me. Her and her supervisor said that the conflict of interest was too great and they couldn't provide a neutral therapeutic environment.

For 90 minutes I begged, cajoled and pleaded with her to change her mind. She was EFFING tough but stood her ground. I tried every angle I could. I told her she didn't have to be so rigid and she was allowed to change her mind.

I left absolutely shattered, feeling that my life was over, that every significant person in my life was dead, that I couldn't breathe nor take another step.

I sat in my car for the next 6 hours.

My husband (whom I told everything about last night) was texting me, ringing me makig sure i was ok. A colleague T (who is our children's psych and I have known for 8 yrs) rang my husband after DH left messages and email. She eventually came to the carpark and found me and spent an hour with me. She had already spoken to T after my husband asked her to.

My child T offered me an appt with her just so we can chat - office is next door to beloved T, but beloved T is not working that day.

I have to take one of my kids to see child T on Thursday and this IS beloved T's working day. I cannot face her.

So I have been crying for the past 12 hours and I am devastated beyond belief.

I had told DH last night that my T was my lifeline and that i had found someone for the first time in my life with whom i had a connection and i could speak to. First time in 45 years. I thought she would be around for the 5 years for me to walk with in my life to help me. I told him that having T was more important to me than the 3 friends and I would lose the friends if I had to.

So today. The nightmare is here. I told T that the moment I walk out - I have lost the most important person in my life PLUS my 3 friends as I would never be able to look at them without blaming them for me losing T.T didn't know why I would ditch the friends.

I would do anything to get T back. Even if it is for x number of sessions to finish off some work we were doing - anything. 50% of her is better than nothing for me.

My husband is very angry at their ethics - the person they are supposed to be helping has been harmed - so much for ethics and helping people. he is going to email T and ask her to reconsider.

I think I am on suicide watch over the weekend.

Child T said to me 'if it is any consolation your T is very, very shaky, this has affected her a lot'. I said - that doesn't make me feel better - she didn't have to do it.

If I knew I was going to be terminated without warning one day and it was about the friends - for God's sake I would NEVER have complained. Even if this caused a block in my therapy = it would have been worth keeping my T. I wished I had kept my mouth SHUT. Stopped complaining and just focussed on what happened during the session. But I thought I was safe in telling her.

I have text the 3 friends telling them a significant thing happened in my life today and I can no longer be their friends and asked for some distance from them. Two of them I have known for 25 years. That is how much I need T.

Yes - T should never have taken me on as she knew the friendship before session 1, but she was taking me on as I had suicidal thoughts at the time and Child T forced me / arranged me to see her colleague as a safe gap measure. I saw her the next week, then freaked and stopped seeing her. then things got bad again and I went back to her and have grown to trust, respect and attach to her. Then she does this.

To me it sends me the message never to trust a psych again and they can get rid of you as soon as the going gets tough.

I am devastated beyond belief.
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
SD... I'm so glad to see you post here on OF. You will need all the support you can get. I think your T and her supervisor handled this very badly. There was no reason why you could not have been given an ethical termination phase out of your therapy and your T should have helped you to transition over to a new T. She had been seeing you for a long period of time while knowing about the conflict of interest with those 3 friends and so I don't see how giving you another 4-6 sessions to work through your grief and to transition to a new T would be such a problem for her. Getting you safely in the hands of a new and competent T should override the conflict of interest... especially when working with a patient with attachment injury.

SD... I know you are fairly new here but have you read my old threads and the story of what happened to me?? If not I can post some links for you if you would like. This all started for me when my T started acting strange on July 1st of last year and he abandoned me on August 12th of 2010. I had also just come out of the hospital after having surgery and then my T left town on an extended vacation. I was left alone on a Friday night with NO T, no help and no place to turn. My dh did not know about my therapy so I could not go to him for help and I also had a child who was in therapy with this T and he was also abandoned. I was left trying to care for my child when I was completely devastated and in grief. It was awful.

I experienced paralyzing grief. I would shake all the time, have nightmares, wake up with panic attacks, and have just terrible fear. Of course I cried ALL the time. I almost lost my job because I was crying so much and unable to function there. And talking to other Ts was very painful.

I hope you call on all the support you have. You need to think of your kids and your dh and how they need you and you have to find a new T and pull yourself together as much as possible. This will be a hard, long journey, but you will make it and you will learn a lot. I hate that you are having to experience this because I know how it feels.

Hugs to you. Stay safe
TN
sdsdMember
I have read and followed your story TN and I value your advice highly. It is just that at the moment, I cannot imagine ever talking to another T.

I thank you for that query as to why they didn't give me a phased termination - that would have been better. I think that shows you all that their ethics are to protect the T and not the client - if it was for the client, then they would offer that. I have printed off the info and will pass onto DH who will write his email over the weekend.

Do you know what just dawned on me - there is another person in my city tonight who is likely to be quite shattered. I wonder if she has regrets?

Does anyone think she will reconsider?
L lieseMember
Somedays,

It sounds like she and her supervisor panicked and clearly didn't think things through. I'm sorry this had to happen to you. I know what it feels like when you finally find someone you can talk to and then to have that person torn away from you like that. I know you feel like you did something wrong confiding in her about your feelings but you should be able to confide in your T about your feelings. You shouldn't have to hold back.

Maybe she will consider taking you back since you terminated your friendships but would you ever be able to trust her again? Would you really be able to be open and honest with her and not fear termination in the event you brought up something else that presented a conflict for her?

And what about those lost friendships? Won't they be a source of pain for you? And that being so, would you be able to talk to T without holding back about losing those friends? You may not think so now, but at some point, the pain of losing those friends will hurt you and it will hurt. You will need to process those feelings with someone.

I agree 100% with TN about they way T handled this and should have handled it. It was botched and you are the victim here. You did nothing wrong in trying to talk about your feelings.

I know you don't think you want to talk to anyone else right now but maybe if you do, they can help you arrange some kind of termination sessions so at least you could get to see her again.

((((((BIG BIG HUGS))))))

Liese
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
It is just that at the moment, I cannot imagine ever talking to another T.


I absolutely know you cannot imagine this. I would see a new T and sit in my car and pound on the steering wheel in grief and anger that I was being FORCED into doing this when I just wanted to see and talk to my T.

The concern here is that you have now experienced a traumatic ending and you will need help and support in processing this and in healing. The best person to help you is a T (as crazy as that sounds)... but I would advise to try to find a T who has worked with patients who have been terminated. And certainly one who gets the whole attachment thing.

Take some time ... it all just happened to you and you need time to adjust and to settle. Then you can think about finding help.

Your T may not be able to change her mind because if she has a supervisor that decision may be out of her hands. The best you could hope for realistically is a termination phase of a few sessions to transition you. I'm sorry to say this because I know it hurts like hell. There really is not much that can make it feel better except time and (in my case) attachment to a new and wonderful T.

I'm here if you need to chat.

TN
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
SD... I just thought of a question.

Did your T provide you with a list of referrals? That is part of an ethical termination. Of course, she should have taken this further in helping you set something up and giving you some time to adjust to moving on to a new T with no conflicts of interest.

Please remember.... you did nothing wrong. I KNOW there will be a drive to blame yourself or try to figure out what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. It took my new T a LONG time to even begin to push me out of these thoughts. I still at times revert to blaming myself. If you have a history of trauma/abuse this is a reaction from childhood.

So please know that you did nothing wrong.

Hugs
TN
strummergirlstrummergirlMember
(((((((((((((((((SD))))))))))))))))))))

I am so very sorry, SD. Being terminated suddenly, when you've done nothing wrong, is truly awful. There's nothing I can add to all of the terrific responses you've already received. I just wanted to send you hugs and say I'm sorry for your pain. Frowner Frowner Frowner

Keep talking through this, SD. I know it is unimaginable right now, but you will make it through.

SG
E everyoneinsideMember
I am so, so very very sorry Frowner
I know how hard this is--and how devastating. My T of 7 years terminated me suddenly one day-- no warning or anything. It just shocked me. I still don't even know for sure why she did it.
For MONTHS, I cried so hard and thought of her all the time.

I just want to encourage you though... it DOES get better. I thought it never would, but it did eventually. I now have a T who is LOTS better than old T-- which I never thought would happen. It won't always feel so bad... I am really sorry you are going through this though.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((SD))) I've been with my T about the same amount of time and I know the attachment I have with him would make it excruciating and debilitating to be terminated, especially so suddenly. I do hope that when your H emails her, she is able to offer an ethical transition to other care. I'm sorry that this has robbed you of feeling safe in your relationship with your friends as well. It was 100% T's responsibility to realize the conflict and set boundaries and she didn't do her job. She continues to not do her job by not ensuring you are transitioned to another T as smoothly as possible. It makes me really sad and angry for you. I wish there were something more I could do beyond thoughts and (((hugs))) and just being here to listen. I hope you are able to rest a bit.
beaglemumbeaglemumMember
((((SomeDays))))
I am so sorry this has happened!! Your T hasn't handled this well professionally or any otherwise and I am so pleased your DH is with you all the way!!! There are others here like TN especially who can walk you through this gut wrenching time - she's been there and survived the pain and agony and coming out the other side with her new adorable T - this could also happen for you!! Please, do not give up - you have people who love and support you IRL and many here on this forum!!

Take care ((SD)) please. Love Morgs
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
((((SD))))
I'm sorry, your T handled this in such an unethical way. As TN pointed out, an ethical termination should provide at least, as a bare minimum, some sessions to handle the termination and transition and some referrals so that you were not left on your own to cope. I am not sure what the standards are in Oz, but in the States her behavior would have actually opened her up to a malpractice suit.

I am sorry as I have no idea how painful your loss is. I hope that you continue to post here as there are people who understand and can help you through this.

AG
mad hattermad hatterMember
Hi SD, it is shocking and hurts to read what you are living through right now. I hope you keep coming here to post about it, and hope you can feel our concern and support. I haven't been through a traumatic termination myself, and certainly hope I never will, but I can sympathize with your attachment to your T and how it is strong enough that it would override or supersede your friendships, because that is also how I feel about my T. It sounds like your T is inexperienced in this type of situation and is making mistakes how she is handling it -- running from the situation instead of dealing with it. I wish it was really just a bad dream, but since it isn't this is the best place you can come to talk to those who have lived through similar nightmares and can offer you their own stories of hope to hang onto. Hugs, ((((SD)))).
ladygreyladygreyMember
((((SD))))
I'm sorry you weren't given any wrap up sessions. Must feel like the rug has been pulled underneath you.

I am wondering if you have contacted any other therapists to help you get through this? It sounds like your T has made up her mind. I know it won't be easy to trust another T, but hopefully TN's story will give you hope, as she also went through a very painful termination and thought she'd never trust again. It took her awhile and a lot of heartache before she could trust her new T, but eventually she was able to. I strongly encourage you to find another T to help you get through this painful ordeal.
sdsdMember
Yeah Liese. But at least she is reviewing it - AND not being rushed into a decision. A flat out NO would come quickly I would have thought? But you know I am hoping so hard for a yes.

Man, I just sent her another sob story to prove my state of mind the other night. I reckon I really did have a psychotic break. I told her a very sad story of my childhood abuse and how I am unfortunately doing it to my children - and what that does to me. She has no idea of this. HOPing that she will see that I need her.

I don't want to put a No vote out there in the universe, but if she says No tomorrow, then I will push hard for a few more sessions. If nothing else I am going to tell her my secrets, just so I have told her the whole story. I can then decide my future. Without telling her my secrets - I feel that my soul has been ripped open and I am badly wounded.

I also said to her that I am sending her these stories as i remember them because I would hate it that she needed just 1 more bit of information for her to say YES to me. I said that once she says Yes tomorrow, I will stop emailing her. (i am hoping she finds this funny).

I have appealed to every part of her I can think of. It is 1am here - I might have to wait maybe a minimum of 8 hrs to a max of 36 hours to hear. Positive, positive, Positive.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
If nothing else I am going to tell her my secrets, just so I have told her the whole story.


SD, I understand this urge to "complete" your therapy with your current T. I felt the same way and in fact, I sat down with him a few weeks before he terminted me, while he was making threats that I needed to go but as of yet had not abandoned me... and I related all the abuse and trauma that was left that I did not tell him.

I would caution you on this as I ended up retraumatizing myself and hurting myself by pouring everything out before I was really psychologically ready to and then when he never addressed these issues because he banished me...well they were never processed and are still hanging out there...one year later... frozen in some limbo space in time.

In retrospect, I am sorry I told him everything and made myself so very vulnerable to him, someone who did not deserve to hold my history because he did not end up respecting it.

Right now I'm in a struggle to be able to repeat it all to my current T. Even though he is a better T and he cares for me... it's still hard to get past the wall of defense that has been there since last summer.

Good luck, SD. Let us know how it goes.

TN
H hemlockMember
quote:
Originally posted by True North:
...In retrospect, I am sorry I told him everything and made myself so very vulnerable to him, someone who did not deserve to hold my history because he did not end up respecting it.


This is such powerfully true advice. No matter how bad our stories are, they are OUR stories and the thought of sharing the details with somebody who won't honor it reminds me of the adage of casting pearls before swine.

SD, I'm not suggesting your T is swine but I am underscoring TN's point that even in its sadness/awfulness, your story is of great value to you, it's a part of your very core. I'd hate to see you regretting later acting on an overwhelming urge to share it with a T who might not accept it with the reverence she should and that you wholeheartedly deserve.
sdsdMember
she said NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

and I did share some reall close stuff to her these past days to get her to realise how much i needed her. what a waste that was.

In the end she didn't want me. full stop.

Unwanted... yet i had an attachment. I just told her that my attachment to her was HER privilege. i will make sure i give her feedback, i have alread told her she handled it badly from the start and ws very cruel.

i did ask for some warm down sessions and an ethical termination, see what she says to that.

very uncomfortable situaton. I have to visit her office every month with my children.

I dont think she was good enough or strong enough for me.,i was too difficult.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
I dont think she was good enough or strong enough for me.,i was too difficult.


SD... I am so sorry her answer was no. I think what you wrote above shows that you do understand some of what happened BUT...you were NOT too difficult...The problem was with HER not you. She was not experienced enough or strong enough or boundaried enough to not hurt you. I know this is hard to hear right now but it would have gotten worse. Weak T's are ineffective and weak boundaries are dangerous and could have caused you further harm down the line.

And please realize that I DO understand that NONE of this helps you to feel any better. You will experience all kinds of emotions from grief, anger and frustration and blaming yourself. It is SO damaging when T's accept a patient when they should not have. Here I am a year later, still working through some of what happened to me. My best advice remains...to find another T to help you deal with the fallout from this. But be very careful when chosing one. There are some threads on here about what to look for in a T. In my case, it was very helpful to have a T who has experience with disrupted therapy relationships.

SD... please take care of you and stay safe. This is not your fault at all.

Hugs
TN
sdsdMember
I have been quite calm since hearing the news. I took a bunch of sleeping tablets and that worked for 3 hours, so now I am awake in the middle of the night.

I have just emailed the place where my last T worked. I am hoping she will call me tomorrow and I will ask to go see her - even if for 1 session to cry and to fill her in. Get her advice. If she feels OK and she wants to take me on, then maybe I will see her and see if I can attach. She was good for me the last time I had a crisis.

I am putting together a list of things I need in my next T.

I think my last one was too young and inexperienced. She was young (32) gorgeous, single and had marriage, travel and babies on the horizon.

What experience does my new T has to have for me: what are my issues - can you guys help me out?

* needs to be experienced with severe depression
* early attachment disorder, rejection, trust and abandonment issues
* SU ideation and SI (altho hey, I am not going to lead with this one) - possibly borderline personality disorder
* experience with traumatised clients (!) who have had abrupt T terminations (!)

* I want email contact and possible text contact between sessions
* Weekly or twice weekly sessions.
* Need long term therapy +- 12 months - are they going to be there. Are they going to reject me, are they going to leave me?
* What are their boundaries and rules.

After you all reading my stuff for the past few months - can you think of any more 'psycho babble' words that I need to add to my list above?

Now. I have just spoken about my OLD T. We left on good terms. We did have associations outside of the therapy room and we managed it.

If the OLD T wants me back - and I click with her - we have a potential problem. Her children go to the school that my youngest sons' name is down for. So in 5 years time our kids might be at the same school and we might be in the same circles. 5 years is a long time.

Old T has been working with women with pregnancy and depression issues so maybe not experienced enough in my "shit".

Any advice appreciated.
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