((BB))

BB -

When you say lovey-dovey emotional relational do you mean romantic? Or, it sounds like, you mean how you love your family?

I don't think there is necessarily any right/wrong way to connect with people. My T is very liberal with what she considers "connecting". For example, when I was very suicidal a couple years ago my T encouraged me to connect by just being in the general vicinity of other human beings (going to the coffee shop, window shopping - it sounds lame but in some ways it saved my life sometimes to get out of my house and be with the community). I've moved on to connect to people through a community group I'm a part of, and eventually through making new friends - there are other milestones to get to and I'm learning to improve, notice and savor the existing connections I have. T considers sharing with her, just even calling or showing up a way to connect, too.

Anyway - the reason I'm explaining the above is connecting is pretty variable. So my idea is... and of course you need to talk to your T more... he might mean to try to connect in "safe" ways before moving on to the emotional ways. I sort of had to welcome myself in to society again, joining the herd... cautiously and then finding my way from there. A toe in the water. Maybe a group in church or socially or getting out a little more? That's a pretty blanket statement for him to make without explanation.

Another thing... will be that as you 'connect' if you do start having transference of some kind or feelings you wish you had for others (like your H, or kids, etc) you can explore those. What do you notice about yourself, the situation, the other person when you feel xyz for someone? Does it remind you of anything, how does it feel, what are you getting/not getting out of it, etc... all those types of things can be explored. A lot of the relational healing and learning I've done in therapy has been with new relationships rather than old ones.

Thinking of you, and really glad to see you posting.

HI Beebs,

If you knew how to connect but not in a love-dovey kind of way, would you be in therapy? I wouldn't know how to do it either. Sorry.

Thanks cat, Liese and draggers-

I guess I just get to this point in T where I'm not sure where it goes from here...T wants me to take what I learn in T into my everyday life (of course, that is the point, right?) but I seem to get to this point where I realize that I'm not sure how to apply talking about my problem into my everyday life...Cat your suggestions are always helpful for that. I need to change my basic motivation for being there I suppose, either that, or move on! It's like- I already do connect with people, I have a pretty normal life for the most part, but- something intangible is missing- intangible but crucial, it feels like part of my basic makeup is missing something, so I just go along faking it, which I suspect I'm pretty good at. It's probably hard to find a T who can understand this, and knows how to help with it.

Anyway- thank you so very much for the input- it just really helps to have people who understand what I'm talking about. Love you- you're good peeps.

Beebs

((BB)) Are you feeling like your T isn't well suited for you? I know something feels missing... and I think you will find it. I hope I find my 'what's missing' too! It takes time.

Glad you are posting, hope are you okay!

((Beebs)) Good to hear from you - sorry I haven't replied before now.

I wonder if what's happening in your therapy right now is maybe, in some sense, a reenactment of what happens in your everyday relationships with people? If it is, then it would definitely help to really dig deeply and see if you can just find a breadcrumb that would help lead you and your T in the right direction. Because it seems like there's something missing in the therapy relationship just like it seems like there's always something missing in your everyday life.

Then again, I could be completely off, and everything I wrote could be crap! But thanks for updating us - it's always great to hear from you.

((BB)

Connecting with people is something I've struggled with for a long time, as my screen name might suggest!!

I would frequently go all day and hardly speak a word to anyone even working in a busy office, out of the belief that i had nothing worth saying or listening to.

As BG says it can be something as casual to start with as just saying Hi to someone at the bus stop, or a few words to the shopkeeper when you buy something. I guess even giving a smile to a complete stranger in the street counts as connecting with them, and when that is returned it's a great feeling. None of this has never come naturally to me and T is asking me to make the effort to do more of this so that it will become easier. Something as simple as asking a stranger for the time or for the way to somewhere are things she suggests to me. It is still hard for me to do it but I am very slowly getting used to it.

Another thing T suggested was using facebook or twitter to 'talk' to people, and although that didn't appeal to me at all, it did lead to me finding this forum. We all 'connect' on here in a very positive way which is a great place to start for me at least.

((Cat)) two things you mentioned were high on my T's list of things for me to do on a regular basis; browsing in busy department stores and going to coffee shops alone and being with strangers. Both of these I have been able to accomplish recently; although a busy coffee shop is still a big ask!!

I have found that with practise I am talking to more work colleagues by the coffee machine or at lunch etc, and now that other people see me talking they will even come and start talking to me!

It's not easy BB; it does take time and practise. I would start off with the smallest of steps and be sure to celebrate every success along the way.

If only it were as easy to connect with others IRL as we do here.

Wow- sorry it took me awhile to get back-

Thanks all of you for your additional support, (((Cat, Kashley, BG, Avoidant.))) You've given me some food for thought, that's for sure.

I had a session with T. We spent most of it chatting about...I forget what..just light stuff..and all of a sudden I was siting there in tears.

So T pushed me to talk about that. It's strange how when everything seems "fine" that's when it can hit the hardest, and I can feel the most lonely.

(((Cat)))):

quote:

((BB)) Are you feeling like your T isn't well suited for you? Frowner

Hm, maybe so. I've often thought that. I don't know. It's something like that, but then, I doubt I'm well-suited with any T, I tend to think there is no "perfect T." Just glad that I'm not in that intense transference. I told him I do NOT want to go there, and he agrees. There seems to be some kind of mutual understanding that is wordless about behavior that would trigger that. For example, he's available, reliable, and etc. I'm definitely not looking for a different T though-

(((Kashley)) Yes!

quote:

I wonder if what's happening in your therapy right now is maybe, in some sense, a reenactment of what happens in your everyday relationships with people?

As I say, I'm pretty good at putting up a chatty, friendly front, but I find something about my ability to connect on that very basic surfacy level, just, incredibly painful for some reason. It's like- I'm connecting- really- but the other person would never have any way of knowing that deep down inside, I'm secure and not present and actually not really connecting at all. And I feel guilty, a fraud, just putting on an act all the time. Hm. Finding some words for it after all, hard to do. I'll try more. I long to connect on a deep level, not a chatty level with everybody I meet?? So I'm always anxious when talking to people. Or I want deep connection and affirmation from, just- everybody! But I don't know who it ok to do that with, and who it's not, so I started to not connect deeply with *anybody* even when it seems from the outside that I am at least at an acceptable level.. Something like that. I'm safe. My old T super reinforced this tendency (not on purpose) for me. Maybe that is the way it's supposed to be- more protected- but it doesn't feel like *me.* I've always been over-friendly, no emotional boundaries, I guess. Now there's a big wall. That's good I guess? Coming here talking about it is big, for me I I think. I don't think I'll be able to leave all of this up.

Avoidant: also yes! Thank you for finding words for it, for me also it seems it is about the belief that I don't have anything worthwhile to say..I couldn't put my finger on it, and when I do talk I always feel so stupid after. But not with T. He alsways seems so interested, but very casually interested. Non-threatening. I guess.

quote:

I would frequently go all day and hardly speak a word to anyone even working in a busy office, out of the belief that i had nothing worth saying or listening to.

I should tell T, he's always pushing me to find words for it.

anyhoo- my H is on my case to quit T, he was like: "Are you starting to get attached to this T like you were the last one??" And I said, no, I still miss the old one, and he was like: "Oh, ok, I feel better."

yarg.

Hugs all the way around. I really appreciate the input.

Love Beebs

dear Beebs,
nice to see you! i unfortunately dont have anything helpful to say on the 'connection' subject - as i also feel a bit clueless as to what it really means... apart from making me shudder...and also possibly crave it in some ways..... anyway, i am glad you are talking about it in therapy and are trying it out, good for you!

can i say something about attachment though... i do think your T is right to not push the issue and keep you in a 'safe' zone considering what happened with your old T, it is only in a safe place that we can form HEALTHY attachments - emphasis on healthy. i just mean, you can just see where it takes you and maybe you will find some good things about attachment. geez, i really hope i'm not freaking you out with this. i am not really one to talk, as i still struggle with the whole 'attachment' idea, and i dont dare acknowledge in front of my T although i'm pretty sure it becomes obvious in lots of other ways.
anyway, i moved off topic sorry... but can i also tell your H to butt out too! sorry but its your therapy and your attachment / connection / lack of... whatever it is, it is yours!


puppet

p.s. i get the feeling that you can connect but maybe only from a safe distance - i just see all the great connections you made with people here!

all of it, and especially the part about connecting at a save distance. i've seen you do it here, too.

Thanks puppet and cd...you are right. safe distance always helps...I'm working on it, but man it is an uphill battle!...

hugs you guys,

Beebs