quote:

ME: Do you think about me outside sessions?

Him (sweetP) I think I might be able to say something helpful about that.
O f course I do. I couldn't not. Perhaps the reason you catch me pulling back from telling you – in terms of my professional management of my work I spend too much time thinking about what is happening for you and how you might be. And that is because of many reasons one of which is we are conducting therapy at a much more intensive level than I conduct it with anyone else because we have contact between times and we have contact by text which is something that I don't do with anyone else. So that is that kind of level. But there is also the level that you share stuff with me at a very deep intense level. I have got other clients of course that also share very deep stuff at that level but for you – the part of it that is about 'what I might mean to you and what you mean to me' is so much more the core of it than anyone else I see, any other client I see.
What I am trying to get to, is the idea that despite what sort of boundaries I might think I ought to have and the kind of boundaries I think I should have, I find myself very much thinking about what is happening for you and of course I am trying to do that in a way that is professional and helpful. Of course what that means is that I sometimes have some strong reactions and that is because there is a level of intensity to it for me because
for you to have allowed yourself, chosen to show what you have shown to me, [you haven't entirely chosen to but you have chosen to allow the situation, because I know that you have not chosen to feel what you feel at any given moment,] that you have decided to take the risk to be here and let it happen and that it is me that that is happening with... well ... I find that incredibly powerful and it makes me feel all sorts of things that are to do with all the protective things, all the things we have talked about I suppose. And I do think I do get alarmed sometimes and I know that I need to keep this within my limits and need to keep my boundaries, not making false promises and not doing things that I can't live with and sustain is really important. Making sure it is truly the right thing for you. Sometimes I do that awkwardly and do it in a messy or even defensive way and that is because I am not always confident enough to deal with it as directly as I would like to. but I think it feels that what happens between us is something that comes from the fact that you have guessed right. It has an impact on me and I think about it quite a lot, not just at set times – it is not something I can keep in boxes. I think what you pick up from me sometimes feels like me often not being ahead of that. I am not this perfectly sorted out therapist, which is so evidently not the case from when I make mistakes (I laugh and he laughs) but if I do have any capacity for doing this job (which I think I do), it is about at some point being able to see what is happening and get to grips with it. What is happening both in me and what happens between us. That is what makes me think I can do something helpful. In the end it is not so much about technique and what is in the books but it is about trying to keep the connection between us genuine and helpful and meaningful and not let my defences come down and stop that happening, If I do, you feel it instantly, and i may not realise at that time that I may have done it, but it emerges in the following days or weeks what has happened. And that, I guess, is how it works.
I am not saying I couldn't do that better, I could, but no matter what kind of therapy it was, this is what would be happening. I see that [he points to the picture of me being little and curled up in a dark wood that I gave him at the beginning of the session] and I have a real feeling of wanting to pick up little S and give her a BIG cuddle because that is what I would do. Because all that stuff is there.

I don't know if I have explained myself very well but it maybe partly answers your question and even if I really tried, I don't think I could confine my thinking about you to the times you are here or even the times I have to write down your notes. I don't think that it works like that. And I think you have needed that, you have needed to check with texts and calls, that I still exist and that you still exist in my head when you are not here.
If you phoned and I said 'Who?” that would be terrible for you because it is those sort of issues that are so important to you and that we are trying to work through.
despite all the frustrations and difficulties of 'seeing a therapist' – all the side of that that isn't so good, it is still possible to feel that I am here for you. Sometimes you say that you can feel I am still there and then it fades, and you often ask about how you could feel like you matter and what would demonstrate that and what would make you feel like you mattered.
LATER:
ME: I think that the fact that you might care sometimes scares me.
Him: It is a bit radical isn't it.
ME: but that is what I want. So why does it scare me?
Him: because then you might lose it?
Me: do you think, (pause) do you (tries to summon up courage) do you think that like maybe..(Struggling to speak) do you think (rushes at it) that you might perhaps 'love me a bit' maybe?
Him: Yeh. [pause]
Well why not? If you think about it, I am bound to, aren't I. I see this person that has given glimpses of and opened things that you have only allowed me to see because you feel safe with me and all the things we have been through , it would difficult for me not to 'love you a bit', because how can you be that close to somebody, particular parts of somebody and not feel something.
ME: Do you feel it in your heart. I feel it here in my heart centre, right in the middle of my chest.
Him: I certainly feel something physical that I can't locate. When you text me for example and I might think for a moment a flash of “Oh S!” [I begin to panic that I annoy him and he gets exasperated with me for texting to him] Then I think of the struggle that you are going through and know how much you struggle NOT to text me and then I think “oh S” in a kind way because I know you are hurting and then I feel that there in my heart, that kind of feeling, like how I would feel if I saw you hurting.
And the initial 'Oh S!” is about when I get a text from you and I think “Okay, that is S, and I need to think about when I can get a moment to reply or understand it and read it properly” or whatever because I cannot always read it straight away. It is a bit the same as when my daughter comes up and says “I want to make a cake now” and I am trying to do something else and think “Not now!” but there is nothing I like better than being in the kitchen with her so it is not about not loving her or caring about her, and it is the same with you. I am not saying "oh S!" because I don't care. There is a moment when I feel I need to respond to this and there is also a moment, despite all that practical stuff going on, I think so dearly “Oh S' with real heart and that is why I am still here. Often you are struggling. And sometimes you don't ask for anything – you are just telling me something. Like yesterday when you needed to tell me how awful the previous day had been and I did understand how difficult and horrible what happened to you must have been. And I think you just want me to know sometimes how awful things are and you want me to know but not necessarily asking for anymore than that.
[He laughs} The whole process is such an intense thing
ME: because it has to do with BIG feelings.
Him: I know I have had to change how I think and what I do.
ME: I said from the first session that if you can't love me then there is no point in us working together. But it is true. It is obviously true. But that was different from today asking you “well, DO you?” and some therapists hate the 'L' word.
Him: yes, it can have so many connotations.
ME:You matter to me, I know I love you, but how would I not?! Except when you really stuff up. [laughs] And that is when it gets really vulnerable.
Him: yes, it gets scary then
ME: but love is a 'right' feeling, it has to be real.
Him: Yes, whatever its limits or complications, it is what it is, it is about how we stay connected.
ME: thank you for saying so because that helps and when it gets bad I shall remember that and feel that too.
Him: You are much more in people's thinking and emotional sphere than you know and that is always true. You give so much to people, they really feel it.

quote:

him: There is a bit about, starting off with the littlest, the babe in arms, how in a sense the parents, the mother in particular, has to allow herself to be taken over by this little things needs and ordinary life goes out the window. And that continues for quite a while And gradually it becomes possible to come and go but it is a very gradual process. In a way, you needing to get me to respond to you in a more helpful way, is a bit like that. It is a bit like the 'littlest you' just really needing somebody who will put everything aside a little bit (or the normal way they do things) to meet your needs at that point. And it feels that is what you missed so much of, because of how your parents were and how it was with the burns and the hospital and all the stuff that went on to make it even more difficult later on in your life. That process you feel of going 'all round the houses', as you described it, is almost like a part of that. [I feel I have to spend ages trying to get him to understand something about my needs and if I ask straight out he resists but I just try again from a different angle and then another different approach, until he eventually understands] And you persisted. You are trying to get me to respond in the ways that you need.