Sheychen,
I am so sorry you had such a terrible session. One of the things that I really appreciate about my T is that no matter how I'm feeling or what I tell him about how I'm feeling, even if it's about him, he just doesn't change. I would find it really scary and unsettling to look up and find my T crying uncontrollably. It would feel very threatening to feel like she wasn't in control of herself. And I know that you really care for her so of course it's difficult thinking you might have caused her pain.

But therapy is supposed to be a safe place to let these feelings out and your T has a responsibility to deal with her own feelings, even if that means getting help with them, so that she keeps her needs out of your sessions. I'm sorry she wasn't able to do that this time and that you were so upset by it.

AG

Sheychen,

This sounds like a really intense session and I am sorry it was so awful. It sounds like you had certain expectations of how the session would go such as being able to record the session and being able to have your T give you another cardigan and by hearing that you couldn't have these things was really upsetting for you. The fact that you shared how you felt with your T about this was good and it is a shame that your T broke down the way she did. I believe she really does care about you and was upset that you didn't feel that from her but that must have been really hard for you to see her so upset and lose control when she was meant to be there for you.

I hope that the tangled place that you feel you are in will be able to become untangled soon.

Butterfly

(((((Sheychen))))))

eek, that is really scary, I am so sorry. I hope you can sort out the tangles before too long goes by. I know that tangled up feeling, and hard to find the truth of it, very. Just have to keep picking at those knots. Gosh, I wish I could say more to help, I'm in the twilight zone with my T at present.

many safe hugs for you, Sheychen,

BB

horrible isn't it. I have sent her some flowers with a note saying "i wish it was not how it was yesterday, for either of us."
I also am aware I need her NOT to go under when I throw everything I can at her, but help me work out WHY I am throwing everything at her. And I need her to keep firm. And steady. And yes, okay, it did actually shift something inside, something about her being a real human being and that I AM actually being very unkind here and she must care about me a lot to be so upset by me saying that I do not FEEL that she cares. Ho hum.
It quite horrible and I don't see her til next Wednesday and I wish I could just switch off. I do.

Sheychen,

I am really sorry things went so poorly with your T. The crying like that would really upset me as well. I feel like we had similar sessions only my T didn't cry, she just got super frustrated. Your T fell apart by crying and that would really unnerve me.

I'm sorry it is so rough. I hope that things settle down before next Wednesday.

((( Sheychen )))

Wow that’s some session you had there. I can understand how rotten you feel about having hurt her in some way with your words - I hope she appreciates the flowers and the note and responds in a way that will make it ok again for you.

I’m sorry though that you feel so guilty and responsible - while I can understand a T getting emotionally involved I do have to say that I think the way she responded to you was not fair

quote:

and she kept saying "no, that is not true, I won't let you keep throwing these untruths at me"

Her words sound to me more like she was too immersed in her own needs and wants and feelings to really hear what you were actually saying, with the result that you’ve been made to feel responsible for hurting her feelings when it’s pretty clear what you were trying to tell her was how YOU felt. Uggh just reading the way your session went I can feel myself how trapped and denied and invalidated you must have been feeling - and then to suddenly have her not only unable to contain your feelings but to impose her feelings on you must have felt like the ground shifted (sorry I do realize you care about her very much, but I can also see how damaging to you her tears were).

You are so right, you do need her to be able to hold steady and take whatever you throw at her - I so hope you can get this sorted with her otherwise you’re going to always be monitoring what you say in case it upsets her again - and that is not your responsibility.

I had a session once (yonks ago) with a T who suddenly started to cry (but not because of anything I’d said) and it totally freaked me out. It didn’t help that she just dismissed it by saying it had nothing to do with me - OF COURSE I thought it was my fault. These days I can look back at that and realize that she was actually wrong to do that - ok if she couldn’t contain how she was feeling, she should at least have spent time talking with me about it, explaining and letting me know what was going on. But she left me feeling very alienated and totally bewildered by the whole therapy relationship - I felt that I had to somehow look after her and it’s only years later that I can see it was not my job to take care of her, nor to have to monitor myself just in case something I said was going to upset her. In retrospect it made me experience her as a ‘person’ rather than as a therapist and blew the whole framework of T being there to help ME. Which is what it sounds is happening for you, having suddenly experienced your T as ‘human’ (good in one way). But for the sake of your therapy I really hope she is able to reassure you about her tears and lift the burden of guilt from you.

Is there anyway you can get to see her or speak to her before next Wednesday? That is a long time to wait with something this heavy going on for you.

Hope you are hanging in there

LL

no - there is no way to contact her between sessions, she has before given me contact details but I deleted them when I got really hurt about two weeks ago so I am feeling that I have no way to contact her.
Also, I sort of feel "I am NOT leaning on YOU anymore" and finding other ways to cope. Almost like sulking.
It hurt so much that last session and Yes I felt like I was left with a lot of confusion, one of which was I came out feeling ABUSED in it. I am getting so TIRED of her mishearing what I say. Like she is so good at getting the wrong end of the stick and beating about the bush with it and it takes me ages to work out she just misheard something.
arghhhh

I read this thinking, my goodness.

I completely felt your pain in your words and am sorry you had to go through this.

I find myself getting upset with my own T as the not hearing me is the same behavior she does. It's too much about me "attacking" her with my words and how she "feels" about it than why I'm saying it or what the words mean for me.

*sigh*

The crying is absolutely awful. I would've felt extremely horrible at that. But then I think I would've gotten even angrier at her. Like she was too weak to handle it, wrong profession sort of thing.

But I know they are people and flawed. I keep keep keep trying to be mindful of that. It doesn't help me though. I expect so much more out of Ts than it seems any of them are capable of. Now I find myself just wanting to scream at mine, "Just listen to ME! Stop talking!"

I hope your T can repair this and take responsibility for it.

sounds like we are in the same boat, Forlorn.
I hope my T and I can mend it.
i felt abused, she was full of how awful she felt about what I was saying and not actually hearing me cos she was talking non stop.
It was awful.
i am trying to live each day as though it did not happen as it would be too painful to really be living with it.
I also hate the feeling that *I* have to make amends and that she could have left me a message saying 'sorry I lost it.'