My trust in T is fading - I need help from you

LittlemeMember

Hi - I used to be moomin
I´ve been discussing some things with janedoe on the introductions forum and she suggested I post about this here in the general discussions because Then more people are likely to reply and could offer more ideas and input.

It has been really helpful talking to Janedoe about this and also one member that has PM me. Maybe some of you can relate to somethig I say in my posts, and it would help me a lot to hear about how you are working with this.

I decided to copy the discussion I have been having with Janedoe. So you can have a better understanding what this is all about. I know it is a lot and it will be a looong post. But maybe some of you have time to read it anyway.

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Little Me Posted 23 October 2011 I used to be Moomin, but now I´ve changed my name to Little Me. Don´t want my T to search my posts. I can feel that the thought of it is stopping me from writing and that´s not good now when I feel so alone and abandoned.

A part of me says “Do you really think she would be reading your posts, she doesn´t even have time for your appointments?”

But right now it stops me from writing, maybe because I´m hurt and don´t trust her.
I´m really sad that she is going to continue with her plan of twice-a-month therapy, even though I told her repeatedly that it is not enough for me and gave her some very good arguments why I thought it was a bad idea.

I don´t want her to read here how I´m doing and how I feel. She has read some stuff here before, since I told her about the site.And she has given some other psychologist advice to tell their patients to be part of the forums. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
janedoePosted 23 October 2011 Little Me ~
I'm glad you changed your name and did what you needed to do to feel more safe posting here and more annoymous. I'm sorry your T isn't willing to give you more sessions It makes sense that you would be feeling alone and abandoned... It is just a matter of her not having time? Gosh, twice a month doesn't seem like much - I'm sorry.
hugs,
jd
p.s. cute new name! ------------------------------------------------
Little MePosted 23 October 2011 Thank you Janedoe
You say "It is just a matter of her not having time?" I guess thats a question
At first T said it was for my best interest to reduce appointments, then when I wrote her some very good reasons for not meetng her this seldom, she said it was also because she didn´t have time.
She also told me that it is rare that psychologists at the hospital she works at, work with patients over such a long period of time, like she has worked with me. I didn´t need to hear that...I know it has taken long time, I really have a hard time trusting people, even professionals, too many of them have given up on me, hurt me so deeply that I can´t talk to them again or broken the protocols. (Not sure it´s the right word in english) But one of my formal T´s wanted to have sex with me.

But I can´t see how it´s in my best interest seeing her twice a month. She just says something like all birds need to leave the nest at some point... I told her I think it´s too soon I haven´t even got any feathers yet.

I think she doesn´t understand that I need secure attachment, before I can fly away. We don´t talk much about the attachment, she just says something like "are you making some progress un-attaching me".

Phew...I have read a lot about repairing attachment with people that have had bad attachments in childhood, and this is NOT how the bookwriters say you should work with this... oh I´m so heartbroken, I had really started to hope that this time it would work, I could heal, but now when I think we are not far from the goal, we are taking the wrong turn. I really don´t know what to do. ------------------------------------------------
janedoe Posted 26 October 2011
(((((littleme))))) I'm sorry you have had such awful experiences with former Ts - even having one say they wanted to have sex with you... just wrong wrong wrong. It makes sense why you would have a hard time trusting.

Your T is comparing you with what Ts who work in hospitals would do and what they think? I consulted with a T once who worked a hospital, and she said some stuff that was weird. I asked the T I have now about it, and she said that Ts who work in hospitals have different goals and use different theories than Ts with private outpatient pratices only. Ts who work in hospitals generally are more focused on short term "stablization"... (and in doing that, they tend to focus on decreasing "dependency" and don't seemto care much about attachment) and not so much getting to the deeper work of long term healing... and that work takes the secure attachment that you are seeking. It seems quite off for a T to seek a client to "un-attach" because it is my understanding that secure attachment is what produces the independency, and interdependence, and healing that is usually a part of the goal of longer term therapy... But don't lose hope! It can still work out with you and your T! I bet others here on the boards might have good feedback. You will get your wings! hang in there. glad you are here with us!
~ jane
p.s. cute avatar! ------------------------------------------------
Little MePosted 27 October 2011

Janedoe
Thank you for your reply. Yes maybe my T acts like this because she works at a hospital. They have a different system there than in private practice. I know. But T does also have a private practice and works there 1 day a week. I told her I thought maybe it would be better for me to pay her by the hour (I don´t pay at he hospital)and then we didn´t have to speed therapy up and could meet once a week. But she thought it was a bad idea. She said it was too expencive and she could not take all that money from me... Heeello this is my life we are talking about here! I´m willing to pay every cent I´ve got to have a hope that someday I will have a "normal" life. My life depends on this.

Yes janedoe you are right that this was an awful experience with my formal T. And just hearing you say it has helped me tremendously. Because even tough I knew that this T was doing something really wrong I did not really listen to myself and just buried this thing inside me, I´ve mentioned this event to my current T but we have not really talked about it. But now, hearing you say this, I realize what a terrible thing this sexual harashment was.

This was 13 years ago. And I met T at an social event with a lot of other lesbian women. T did not know I was going to be there and I did not know T was going to be there. Everyone was drinking, dancing and having a good time. I was with my girlfriend. Then T started flirting and hitting on me. I was really confused. But since my previous sexual harashment with adult men since I was 6 years old(and on and on) I have a hard time setting limits. And she knew that. This went on the whole evening, we danced together and she touched me. Of course my girlfriend became very crossed and she said "now we call a taxi and go home" We went outside, but T came along and squeezed herself into the taxi with us, kept on touching me in the car. Then when we came to our house my girlfriend told her she was not coming into the house with us. Phew... when I write this I feel terrible. The whole time I was so angry with myself for not beeing able to set limits. But now after all this time I can see that of all people my T should have known I could not do that.

And finally I can become angry. I AM REALLY ANGRY WITH THIS T!!! It has always been very difficult for me to trust people. Ever since I was a baby I have not had good experience with people. With this T I was trying to trust someone, and I thought maybe (just maybe) I can trust a professional Therapist. And she broke my trust, and ever since I´ve tried and tried, therapist after therapist..they must be over 20 now. But it takes to much time for me to learn to trust and I can not heal because I can not trust, so all the T´s give up on me.

Thats what is happening now with my current T. It took me 3 years to learn to trust her and the trust is sooo fragile. If she says something "wrong" - Like the other day when I told her I felt bad, but I didn´t know why. She said
"you have been through worse",
"You don´t have to know why you feel bad, you don´t have to analize everything",
"Feelings don´t last forever" „This bad feeling will go away eventually“
Then she said she had a terrible headache and had to leave early.

And then I react to strongly. Become really hurt and the trust crawls all the way inside it´s shell.

Arg!!! I hate this - Finally I can become angry - And I am so alone
I AM REALLY ANGRY!!! All my life I´ve been afraid of my inner anger...and I´m afraid of it now. I´m afraid that I might do something terrible.

Do you think I should report this formal T? She is a doctor so I could report her to the medical directors office. ------------------------------------------------

janedoePosted 27 October 2011
Little me ~
You have good reason to be very angry. Anger is a sign that a boundary or value has been crossed. T dancing with you, touching you, following you home are horrible crossings of all basic ethical and professional boundaries... and yeah, she took advantage of your weak boundaries. I'm glad your girlfriend told her to leave. I'm mad at her and that your current T doesn't help you more to talk through this more. She totally trashed your trust and all kinds of ethical boundaries. What that T did is wrong in so many ways... Should you report her? It might be healing for you to just send a letter in to the medical board and just say hey, this is what happened and it was wrong.

quote:
"If she says something "wrong" - Like the other day when I told her I felt bad, but I didn´t know why. She said
"you have been through worse",
"You don´t have to know why you feel bad, you don´t have to analize everything",
"Feelings don´t last forever" „This bad feeling will go away eventually“
Then she said she had a terrible headache and had to leave early".

That is just awful for her to say! She didn't help you figure out what the bad feeling was about? or help you cope with it? She sounds so invalidating... And then to leave early! Even though you are not paying for the hour, your insurance is or the hospital is paying for the whole hour with her. She had a commitment. Sure, she has a headache, but... she is there to care for your pain as well.

I get this feeling from this and from her talking about not letting you pay for more appointments with her, that she is setting your boundaries for you.

I do think you need to talk about what happened with that T who wanted to have sex with you and danced with you and ecterta. And to work with a T that will help you set good boundaries, even with the T themselves. I struggle deeply with trust too. It is hard when people have betrayed our trust to try and risk again. Working on setting good boundaries with people has actually helped me increase my ability to trust.

I'm sorry you are scared of your anger and feel so alone. What about finding some not so scary outlets for the anger? Like journaling or yelling into a pillow (I have done this...) I'm stil working on figuring out what to do with my own anger, it scares me too. I usually just shut it out, but my T is helping me try to feel it and stay with it in safe ways. Which yeah, takes more trust than I have... so we are not getting far yet... but you don't have to be alone in this. How do you feel about posting about this in the General Disscusion forums? Then more people are likely to reply and could offer much better ideas and input... Most of all, please know you are really not alone, and it is ok to be angry, and there are good healthy ways to work through it. I also hope you keep talking with your T about this and that she steps it up and helps you more than she is.
~ jane
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Little MePosted 27 October 2011
Thank you for telling my I have a reason to be angry Janedoe. It helps a lot hearing someone say that. I can feel that my emotions are so disturbed, and have been all my life, that I did not accept that for myself. I did not allow myself to be angry, I thought it was wrong to be angry, no matter what. So I allowed a lot of people to treat me badly. Because my protection was to withdraw, stuff the feelings in a coffin, pretend nothing happened and smile.
Last few years I have been journaling. Writing about everything. I also did that when I was a teen, I wrote poems, short stories, painted and wrote about the things that where happening. When I was at a mental hospital for the first time when I was 16. My mum sneaked into my diary and read all the things I wrote about a 43 year old farmer I had been sent to live with the previous summer. I had written in details about the terrible sexual things he did to me almost every day the whole summer, and kept on visiting me 2-3 times a month when I came back home, until I was so exhausted and thought I was pregnant, and tried to kill myself. My mum never discussed this with me, but she told the doctors at the mental hospital, and I stopped writing.

Now when I´m journaling again I can feel that it helps a lot. Maybe I should try yelling into a pillow, but I´m scared that I will be out of control and I´m scared of what will happen then.

I am also scared that I feel my trust for T is fading. I do not know how I can repair that now when I see her just twice a month, I´m afraid it is not enough.

It is a good advice to post about this in the General Disscusion forums. Talking to you about this has helped a lot and one user has sent me PM that has also been really helpful.
-Little Me

10/28/111:22 AM

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lamplighterMember

Hello Little Me – thanks for telling about your change of name (I rather like LittleMe

).

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with your T. I hate to say this, because you’ve spent so long with her and obviously gotten to a point of trust with her, but the things she’s saying and her attitude and the fact that she’s cut you down to once every two weeks rings very big warning bells in my head. I think you’ve every right to feel hurt (and angry) now, because it just doesn’t sound ok what’s happening.

The obvious question is, do you feel able to talk to her about how this is making you feel? One of the things that would really help with your being able to feel more comfortable and safe with feeling angry is to be able to express it to T – do you think she would accept it from you? Do you have out of session contact with her, for instance can you email or text her? That might be a way of bridging the looooong gap between sessions.

As she is a hospital T it does sound as if there are restrictions on the length of time she can devote to your therapy, and the way she is talking maybe she is under pressure to spend less time with you. Have you considered looking for another T – even just on a consultation basis? If you are prepared to pay for your therapy then your options become much better. I’m sorry I’m coming out with pretty negative comments here, I guess the best thing you can do is talk to T next session about all of this, ask her pointblank how she sees your therapy and what she is planning and what she suggests…

I’m also really sorry about what happened with your former T. That’s over the top unethical to say the least and I’m inclined to agree that you should report her. It may help you use some of that imploding energy from the anger you’re now feeling, but also you have to wonder how many other clients has she acted like this with, and what is her governing body doing to protect them. Reporting her is one way of helping others too.

Hope you are doing ok LittleMe and are able to sort some of this out in your next session – which I assume is next week?

LL

10/29/115:04 AM

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LittlemeMember

Thank you Lamplighter. Thank you for sharing your good insight, giving me good advice and for taking your time reading all this... It´s a lot I know

I have tried to talk to my T about how this makes me feel. I know I should have done that at the moment when she said those things (on the 21.st of september). But I could not do that. It was just like she had hit me, I was shocked.

At that time I thought; what the hell have I been doing all this time, working with her. Why did I go through all this pain digging up my old terrible feelings, sharing them with her, all that work ment nothing... „feelings will go away“. I had misunderstood everything, I had misunderstood the purpose of this methood... She didn´t really want to hear about my feelings, they didn´t matter... why did I then pour my heart out? That had not been easy, to say the least. My head was spinning... I was getting out of control, I couldn´t think.

I tried to shut everything out, didn´t want my feelings to control my head, felt the tears trying to burst out my eyes, but I didn´t want to cry. She had hurt me so much and I didn´t want her to see that, I wanted to be strong. I could feel that my brain tried to disassociate and I am scared of that. So I tried to focus on my breathing. I even had to say the words out loud „Focus on the breathing... your breath is like an anchor... “ and so on(like i´ve learned in DBT). No matter how much headache she had she could not have missed that I felt terrible.
Then she said she had to leave early because she had migrene. I was so hurt.... and I still am. I feel so childish, I think I should understand, she was sick and she needet to go home. But it hurts that her feelings and her headache was important, but my feelings didn´t matter, they would just eventually go away.

On the 28.th I sent my T a textmessage and told her I wasn´t coming for our session. I told her I was going to quit therapy, but I would come later to say goodbye to her, I said I can´t do that right now because I have to calm myself first. She called me in the afternoon and asked if I wasn´t coming. She said she was angry... she didn´t understand, and I could hear in her voice that she was hurt. I felt ashamed for hurting her, she has given me so much. I thought, ok it is not fair for her not knowing what was happening, of course she was hurt and angry. Then I wrote her a letter and tried to explain this the best I could. She replied and said „we will talk about this in our next session, I hope you feel better soon“

But my next session wasn´t until the 12th of october, and it felt like an eternity. I tried to focus on beeing here and now (like i have learned in my DBT) but my brain kept on trying to regulate the emotions by shutting down my awareness. When my brain does that I can move, walk around and even talk, but I´m not aware of myself, and after the period (few minutes) I kind of wake up, and don´t know what I have been doing. I was really scared and on the 5th of october I went to the acute psychiatric ward but it didn´t really help. They wanted me to sign me in, but I know from previous experience that does not help. I also tried talking to the psychologist on my DBT group but she said she could not talk to me, this was something I should work out with my own T.

But I didn´t think I had the right to do that. After all it had been me that did not want to see her on our last appointment on the 28th. I had told her I needed time to calm down and she had given me two weeks to regulate my feelings. But I felt that I was in a really scary place, and I could feel the growing urge of hurting myself… it felt like nightmare. I did not feel like calling T, but I had to do that, that was the only possible way out.

I called her on the 6th of October, and she gave me an appointment in the afternoon. We discussed this and I was really honest with her, like I usually am. I told her this had something to do with transference. That finally I had been able to trust her completely like an infant does with it´s mother. And I had done exactly the same thing I used to do when I was a baby. I buried my bad feelings inside and said “everything is fine with me”, because I thought my mother was feeling to bad to cope with my bad feelings as well. “I have been doing that unconsciously for some time with you T” I told her. “But I could not bury the feelings the same way I used to do when I was a child. I could feel them inside. And when I told you about them, you degraded them completely and it hurt, it really hurt, I really believed I could trust you”.

In the end of the session I felt better. I felt like she could understand, I felt that maybe we could build that trust again. But then she started talking about reducing our sessions. She said she thought it was better for me and she said she also did not have time. I told her I did not agree with her that it was better for me. I asked how can we then build that trust again, and she said it would be the same.

We have discussed this back and forth on the 12th and again last Wednesday. And we really seem to have different perspectives on this.

She thinks I have to un-attach, she is focused on that every bird has to leave the nest at some time. And she says I over-react to my emotions, like with the incident on the 21st of September, she says I have to be able to view this in a different perspective, then I will still trust her, even though we meet just twice a month and she also says I have to be able control my feelings better. And then she draws on a paper, her favorite two circles that overlap each other in the middle and says that my emotion–circle is too big and my reasoning circle is too small and that affects my wisdom area, the overlapping area on her drawing.

Yes I know she´s under pressure from the hospital to spend less time with me, she has even told me she has not yet told her boss that she is still working with me. But I think it is so unfair. I am almost sure that if we would have continued with our weekly sessions, and I would have kept feeling secure, I could have healed, I could have a “normal” life.

I can see the progress we´ve made, and just recently I could really feel that hurt child inside me. But maybe she is not really into those theories either, and then we could not continue if she will not accept that little child.

Yes I have thought a lot about looking for another T. But it is hard to find a T that is willing to work longterm with a patient here in my country. There are not so many psychologist here, and this new T would also have to accept attachment theories. Psychiatrist are more into drug treatments and that does not suit me, but I have found one that is experienced with working with attachment in adopted children. I sent her a letter and she said she had too much on her hands. Guess I have to keep looking.

With the unethical T I have decidet that I will report her. Hopefully they will give her a warning. Who knows how many other clients she has acted like this with. Reporting her is a way for me to help others, that is true.

I can feel that I try burying my feelings, that is my old familiar way. I also struggle not to SI but it is hard. I love spending time with my little 3 year olds at the preschool where I work. But when I´m at home I really feel miserable... hope I will find some constructive way out of this.
- Little me

10/30/116:31 AM

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lamplighterMember

Hello again LittleMe, thanks for sharing so much of your story. I’m really sorry this has all become so fraught for you and you’re being forced to turn your feelings inwards and against yourself.

It does sound to me that since you’ve opened up to T about your attachment feelings and needs, that she’s seen it as something negative and instead of encouraging you to go into those feelings, is withdrawing from you. She obviously believes this is in your best interests and it may well be that even after all this time you’ve spent with her, she’s not the right T for what you need. It’s all very well telling you you have to ‘unattach’ and control your feelings better (which begs the immediate question ‘how????’ Isn’t that part of why you’re in therapy in the first place, to get help with regulating your emotions????) but what is she doing to help you achieve that?

Do you think you could keep working with her, considering the conditions she’s putting on you and the therapy? Would you be able to articulate clearly to her what it is you needing from her and why and perhaps negotiate a way forward so that you don’t feel as if you’re being nudged out of the nest before you know how to fly? Has the work you’ve been doing together so far been helpful and useful to you, enough to give you the incentive to continue working with her despite how rejecting she seems to have become? Sorry for all the questions, I’m trying to think of ways you could salvage something from this situation so you don’t feel so stuck and abandoned.

I do think it’s a good idea too that you keep looking at alternative Ts, despite there not being many around who would accept long term clients. Perhaps you could put yourself on a waitlist and continue working with current T until an appointment comes up. Not the best solution but it might give you a feeling of having a bit more control over your life and your healing.

I’m really sorry you’re having such a hard time right now, and I hope you are able to keep yourself safe

11/1/114:35 AM

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lieseMember

Little Me,

I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. I think it's worth the time and effort to invest in looking for a new T. She doesn't seem to understand attachment and seems to be pushing you away. Of course you would react the way you are. Most anyone would.

IT doesn't sound good to me that her boss is putting pressure on her not to work with you. She is not looking after your best interests right now. You need to find someone you can work with long-term so you can work through your attachment injury.

I know you feel very attached to her right now but it's probably making it worse that she is pushing you away. I hope you can pull yourself together and look for another T. There are lots of people around here who have left T's and started over and it IS hard but there is a lot of support around here.

xoxo

Liese

11/1/115:34 AM

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sdMember

LittleMe - you poor thing - that is a horrible feeling. I agree with what has been said - your T is in a difficult position as she has pressure being put on her - she will not be able to deliver what YOU need for the long term. It is best, but painful, if you start putting things in place to find another T. Keep asking around - at least you know what to look for and what to ask for.

"Just Unattach" - yeah right, like that is so easy for anyone to do. Let us know what happens next.

11/1/119:24 AM

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LittlemeMember

Trigger warning; In this post I talk about self-injury

Hello Lamplighter.
I was really glad seeing I had a reply from you today when I came home from work. I really didn´t want to come home. I´m scared of being alone. I don´t sleep well at nights, and last night I harmed myself. I felt it was the only way I could regulate all those terrible feelings spinning around in my head and heart.

Yes Lamplighter you are right about T´s respond to when I told her about my attachment. I feel that she has seen it as something negative. I told her that recently, I said that I thought she was afraid of my attachment, and when I had not reached the baby inside me, I was also afraid of the attachment. My previous 3 attachments with professionals have all ended really badly. And I always used to think of it as something wrong. But when I was able to reach the little me, I could see that this was something really right, and normal (because of my past) and that this was the right way to heal. I asked her „don´t you think it is marvelous that I still have the ability to attach?!!“ And she agreed. But when I think about this again, how could she say anything else?

It is 18 months since I first talked about my attachment for her. And all this time we have avoided talking about it. I felt she didn´t want to hear about it. She has never encouraged me to go into those feelings. In fact all she has done is to discourage me to attach by asking me are you getting better at un-attaching me.
Just now I realize this, and it hurts, it hurts that we could have used those 18 months for some real work, and we didn´t... and now time is up. You are right Lamplighter, she probably is not the right T for me... that feels terrible, it´s like my heart is tearing apart.

I guess T would say she has used DBT to teach me regulate my emotions but that damn method is not helping me now. I guess I always knew that method could not cure me, maybe it could help, but it could not be the main focus in my therapy.

I have tried my best to articulate clearly to her what it is I´m needing from her and why. I´ve read a lot about attachment stuff both in my education as a preschool teacher, and much more for myself because I know my attachment with my mother was a failure because she was forced to give my older sister up for an adoption at birth. It looks like my mother was really depressed through her pregnancy with me, when she gave birth to me and until she married my stepfather who completely ignored me. I had to withdraw as a baby. That was my protection.

I have tried to explain to T that it is essential for me to bond with someone that I trust. That I have to attach to her and then I can grow. I have written many pages to explain this to her. And I have talked about this all our last sessions. But she really does not seem to understand. And I´m not sure what we would do when I would reach our secure attachment, I have felt that baby, I know that I will feel that baby better when I´m secure, but I´m not sure what that baby has to say, I just know that infant is really hurt. I can not tell T to hug me or hold my hand even though I know that would be really helpful. That is not allowed.

I´m not sure the work we’ve been doing together so far has been helpful and useful enough to give me the incentive to continue working with her. She has done a lot. She gave me time, a lot of time that I needed to learn to trust her and she has stood beside me through really hard times. She has helped me to dig up that coffin I used to bury all my feelings in. At the time I started working with her I tried to kill myself many times and something in our therapy was right, I´m still alive. But maybe this is as far as I get with her. Maybe she is not ready to go any further.

I have found another psychiatrist that specializes in work with mother and baby attachment in my countries health care system. Here you have to ask your doctor or psychologist to send a letter to a specialist so you will maybe be accepted. Last week I asked T to send this specialist a letter and she said she could not do that, she thought we had to work on this on our own. I disagreed; I said I have to consult a specialist. But T said no. Today I called my health clinic and scheduled an appointment with my family-doctor (don´t know the English word). That will be in two weeks. I am going to explain this to my doctor and ask her to write this specialist a letter.

Dear Lamplighter thank you for pointing out things for me to try to salvage something from this situation... It really helps a lot and I don´t feel as stuck and abandoned knowing that someone in the world understands something of what I´m going through. Thank you for beeing there <3

Liese: Thank you for beeing there too – I did not just have one reply when I came home from work I had three!!! It helps me tremendously. Yes, I think you are right I have to look for a new T. I fear that, but I can feel that it is essential if I want to heal. I hope I find someone I can work with long term, someone I can trust, there has to be one, here in my small country, that is willing to work long-term with a patient.

I feel so sad that my T does not seem to understand attachment. Thank you for telling me that „of course you would react the way you are. Most anyone would“ I often do not have the judgement to know if what I´m feeling is right. So having someone agree with me means a lot. Knowing that I can look for support here on this forum also helps me to feel a littlebit stronger, and I truly need that now, when I feel so weak.

SomeDays: I thank you too. Thank you for saying „you poor thing - that is a horrible feeling“. I think no one has said something that beautiful to me. You probably think I´m just being very emotional when I say this. But since in real life I try to be the strongest of all and never let anyone see that I feel bad, no one has said anything like “you poor thing" to me and it feels good when you say that.

Yes my T is in a bad position. I do not know if she knows that. I think she thinks this will go away and we will continue like nothing happened – She thinks I over react and in some time I will come to my senses. She does not seem to know anything about attachment… I know it is not good for me, but I still hope, I still hope she will come to her senses.
I know she has read some of the books I have read about attachment… it is hard to understand why she just can´t get it.
I really care for her, and I loved her like a baby loves it´s mum.

I will keep asking around for new T – You are right at least I know now what to look for and what kind of questions I have to ask before I start working with the new T I hopefully find.

I just don´t know how to survive until then.

11/1/113:34 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

Little Me I'm sorry you feel so down and sad about things. It does seem like your T does not understand attachment or she does yet fears it. It could be triggering something inside of her that she has not dealt with in her own life. My oldT was like that. He did not understand attachment and even though I tried to explain it to him and gave him articles to read, he was afraid of my feelings for him and he never trusted the process that I must attach and depend before I could detach and become interdependent and leave the nest. What he did was abandon me and reenact my childhood trauma. If you need an attachment you could be hurt by a T who resists it.

I would say to take all the good you can from this T and look for someone else to take you to the next step. It is not easy and I really thought I would never attach to anyone ever again but here I am firmly attached to my new T. It took some time and hard work but it happened. He welcomes attachment and encourages it. He is not afraid of it. And so I'm more relaxed.

I'm sorry you are so alone and hate it. I understand because I hate it too. I have a family now but I used to work days and my husband worked nights. He now works days and it's much better. I wish I could invite you over for some tea and keep you company a little bit. I hope you will treat yourself better and not harm yourself. Of course you won't be banned from this site. You need compassion and understanding. Not banning.

Sending you big hugs,
TN

11/1/118:29 PM

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LittlemeMember

True North I´m glad I keep getting replies from my post, it keeps me going and somehow ties me to the ground when my brain just wants to float away and disassociate.

I can see from your post that you can really relate to what I´m going through. You have been in a similar situation with your old T. You say;

„He did not understand attachment and even though I tried to explain it to him and gave him articles to read, he was afraid of my feelings for him and he never trusted the process that I must attach and depend before I could detach and become interdependent and leave the nest”

That´s exactly how I feel about my T. And even though she says she is not abandoning me, I can feel that she is, and… phew…it really hurts. I even think it would have been better if I had never trusted her and yes I´m afraid it will be hard for me to trust someone again, because I know how much it can hurt.

I´m glad to hear that even though you have been trough similar trauma with your old T, you could find another one, and you could attach again! Hearing that gives me hope and courage to keep looking for a new T that will not be afraid, a T that will welcome attachment and welcome that little infant inside me to the world.

I hope I will find one, I just know it is essential for my healing from BPD. I know it will be hard work, but I am so willing to do anything it takes to have a “normal” life and some peace within me.

Thank you for the tea invitation – he he!!!

I can come over in my mind. But you did keep me company by sending me your reply, it means a lot.

I do have a family too. I have two wonderful daughters 19 and 6 year old, they and my little ones in my preschool, are the joy of my life. But my daughters also suffer because of their mothers BPD. I try to protect them from it but sometimes it is inevitable. It is also for them that I have to keep fighting.

TN I really like your quotes about the light and the dark. I hope I can see the light soon… hey!!! In my darkness this forum is a light… and you all are my lamplighters… cool name Lamplighter!

11/2/111:04 AM

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lieseMember

quote:
Originally posted by Little Me:
I know it will be hard work, but I am so willing to do anything it takes to have a “normal” life and some peace within me. ... It is also for them that I have to keep fighting.

Little Me, your current T doesn't appreciate how strong and determined you are. She has a gem of a patient in you. Do you know how many T's would love to work with a patient who would do anything it takes to have a normal life and some peace within them? Probably lots.

That says a lot about you. Trust your instincts on this one. You know that you need to attach. She's just not the right one.

xoxo

Liese

11/2/1110:00 AM

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LittlemeMember

Hi FoT!
I'm glad that so many of you are here to support me

. Today felt a littlebit better than yesterday coming home from work. 50% of the time I have my younger daughter at my house and it´s her day today and tomorrow. I know I should not use a six year old as a support, but it feels so much better to have her around and it also keeps my mind occupied. I fear the weekend because then I will be alone again. Maybe I should try to make some plans about doing something at least one thing each day.

I am less likely to harm myself when I´m with my daughter. But sometimes it also scares me in the middle of the night when I can´t sleep, and I´m scared of not being able to control myself.

FoT you are right about that it is hard to break away from a T or P. ... or I would rather say it can be hard. I´ve seen soooo many therapists since I was 15 or 16, I can not even count them. But because I was so numb at the time, I almost never felt anything. But now I´m in touch with my feelings and that´s why it hurts so much. I am grateful to T for helping me dig up and open up the coffin I used to bury all those feelings in. That coffin had exploded because in the end it was too full. And I had to spend six months at the Psychiatry ward. Sometimes I say to myself it would be better if I could just have stayed numb. But I know it isn´t true.
I´m glad that you found a new P in the end, and It is good to hear that you feel that you do benefit from your therapy. I´ll keep in mind that it may not have to be the right one for me even if I find one.

Hi Liese! I´m glad you posted again

Thank you for telling me that my T has a gem of a patient in me. I have never thought of it that way. I have always had the focus on how lucky I was to have her and I am really grateful for all that she has given me. Hope she has learned something from me too.

I hope that in the years to come, attachment in therapy will be more accepted. I feel that maybe I was born too early, strange thing to say? Yes, I am thinking that maybe it is the same with this as with the methood they used when I was first put to the the Psychiatry ward when I was 16 because I had tried to kill myself. That was because I thought I was pregnant because of a 43 year old farmer I had been sent to the previous summer and he abused me sexually every day.
My T at the time told me that in the end I had to choose between her and the farmer. She went with me to the ward, where I spent 3 weeks, got no help and then they discharged me from hospital saying in my files that it was good that “Little one” could see that what she was doing was wrong. I become so angry when I read those hospital files recently. What on earth where they thinking?!! But then I think this was then, now they do not treat teenagers that suffer from sexual abuse like that.

Hopefully it will be the same with people that suffer from attachment disorders in my country in time to come. Hopefully we can look back and think, what on earth where all those T´s doing when there was no understanding in attachment, why did they not see that attachment therapy is exactly what those people need to heal.

Yes Liese I will try to trust my instincts on this one. I know that I need to attach to a new T, work with him/her and then when I´m ready I can fly from the nest on my own.

- Little Me

11/2/1111:43 AM

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lieseMember

Oh Little Me,

I'm so sorry about that farmer and how they all treated you.

It's no wonder all your feelings have been stuffed away all these years. It's been the only way you could survive.

It's so wonderful that they've done all this research in the attachment area. It seems to hold so much promise. I do believe that you will be able to fly from the nest when you are ready, not when your T is ready for you to leave. And so, I hope you are able to find someone in your area to help you. TN has had great posts about the things she asked T's when she was looking for her current T. It really helped her to find the gem she is with now.

Trying to keep yourself busy over the weekend when you don't have the kids is a great idea. I have little ones too and know how much joy they can bring. And how lonely I can be when they are not around.

xoxo Big Hugs,

Liese

11/2/111:13 PM

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LittlemeMember

Hi all

Yes Liese all this research in the attachment area truly is wonderful, and most of what I´ve read makes so much sense. I just wish that the T´s here in my country would belive in them. It seems like most of them are not so willing to accept them. Is it like that everywhere in the world?

I hope I find some T here that does know how to work with an attachment injury, otherwise I may have to move abroad... I can´t see any other logic way to heal from my BPD.

I will read TN´s posts about the things she asked T´s when she was looking for her current T, it sure looks like it helped her in finding the right one for her.

Half of the weekend is over now, without SI.
I have been pretty busy today. Went to a crafts-market early morning, then I took a long walk, went to the mall and bought some christmas presents, and my son in law and my step- grandson came over for dinner.

I´ve become very angry with everything realated to DBT. I don´t know what I should do about my group therapy. I feel like I´m reducing potential healing for the other women in the group, because I´m constantly asking some questions and criticising the methood. Is there anyone here that can relate to this?

I am wondering if my T´s focus on DBT is making me so angry, and if that is the cause of my anger against DBT. Maybe it is not the right time for me to be in the DBT group therapy. But it does also have good impact on me, and meeting these other whomen with BPD every week helps me feel a littlebit less alone in the world.

But it can have a bad impact on them seeing me in this bad state I am right now, angry, unresponsive, loosing more and more pounds each week so I don´t fit my clothes anymore.
Also my critical respond to the treatment can maybe make them unsecure about the program and I don´t want to slow their progress.

I have a group meeting next tuesday and I don´t know if I should go. I asked the groups T about this briefly last week, and she said it had to be my decision...but I really don´t know.
- Little Me

11/5/112:57 PM

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autumnMember

Hi Little Me,
I'm really sorry that you have been having such difficulty in finding a T that really gets you & can work with attachment issues. It sounds though that you have been very resilient and have really been advocating for yourself - that's great. I hope that your upcoming meeting with your family doctor will work out well and that you may be able to get the specialist letter through him/her. It sounds like that could be ideal. Maybe, as you are exploring, moving abroad may be an option. A number of years ago, I left the country that I live in and moved to another country simply to work intensively on healing. I didn't have any other options at the time. It was helpful for me, although it was hard to leave my partner for an extended lenght of time. I think too, I needed far more time to work with that T than I allotted myself (1+ yrs). I was able to gain some tools though and get stabilized, so the time and commitment was worth it to me. If you continue to explore that avenue, I really hope that it works out for you.

Congrats that you were able to get through the first half of the weekend safely... good for you. I too struggle with si, so I know how challenging that can be. I hope that you were able to keep yourself safe for the remainder of the weekend as well.

Wish I had something to share or add around the conflicting feelings you have around your DBT group. I've never been in DBT. It sounds hard though to be torn between your social needs being met by other women in the group and feeling conflicted with the methodology of the program.

2/6/1211:55 AM

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