However, when it had to do with other people, he would be very supportive. I'll give you an example. The day I terminated with him, I started with something that is happening in real life.
My childhood friends and I are going away together for our 50th bdays. We painfully went through the details 7 months ago. How many nights? Where would we stay? Who would rent the car? What airport to fly into?
We hammered everything out. I made reservations for 4 nights and put down a 25% deposit. There are 4 of us so the deposit = my share.
One friend, Debbie, and I are flying right into the city where we are staying. The other two, Mary and Anna) are flying into a city about an hour away because it was too expensive for them to fly into the city where we are staying.
It was decided that Mary and Anna would rent the car (and we would all reimburse) since they have to travel an hour to get to the hotel.
All was good. Until last week. Anna has a history of taking control, making decisions on her own, not considering other people's feelings, etc. I struggled with her when we were in our teens. I have been worried that my feelings of powerlessness with her would get triggered on the vacation but decided I was being ridiculous.
Debbie emailed me last Tuesday to tell me that Anna emailed her to tell her that she and Mary are leaving a day early. Debbie was upset about this as was I. They already bought their plane tics. My first thought was that they both decided that they could not tolerate being with Debbie and I a second longer than was necessary and so were blowing out of town at the first respectable minute to do so.
I went to all kinds of crazy places. Aside from feeling ditched, there were practical reasons for being upset. The hotel we are staying at is expensive. Will Debbie and I be responsible for that last night?
And, Mary and Anna are taking the car with them a day early, leaving Debbie and I without a car our last day there.
I went from 0 to 100 in about ten seconds flat after reading Debbie's email.
I am very close with Mary and so started to text her. She told me that she had told me originally that she might not stay the whole time and that I should let it go.
I texted back that those were the worst three words in the English language. I brought up the question about the hotel and the car. I also admitted that I was feeling abandoned.
She texted back and apologized profusely. She said she was ashamed of herself. That they shouldn't have just changed the plans like that on us. Etc. etc. She also said I shouldn't dismiss my feelings because of my abandonment issues and she was really glad I spoke up. (I love her.)
After I got over my initial feelings of abandonment, I was able to tackle the practicalities more calmly and we are making changes to who rents the car, etc.
I told my OldT this story on Thursday and he immediately affirmed that what they did was thoughtless, and that I was being "dumped" on and I had every right to be upset. He didn't say I was being dumped on but from past discussions, I know that he would see this as a situation, that unless I stood up for myself, I would be dumped on - stuck with the extra night and without a car. I acknowledged that part of my distress initially was because I felt ditched BUT he validated that I had a "real" reason to be upset.
Soooooo, the difficulty I have is applying the same paradigm to my relationship with him since he hasn't been able to validate my reasons for being upset in re: to my therapy with him. So, I either think that there is something seriously pathological with me and I'm refusing to look at my issues (his point of view) or I feel okay about it all and realize that he just didn't have the skills I needed (and still might have loved me
) I'm having a hard time verbalizing this so I don't know if anyone is getting what I am trying to say.
But ..... I think I'm trying to say is that when I get upset about something, there is usually a good reason for me being upset and I have a hard time validating myself when the other won't or can't validate me because they see things from their point of view. At this point, I have been on a record number of consults and every single one has criticized him in addition to everyone here.
I guess the point being what AG said on the other thread, that it all might be true, that he didn't have the skills but still loved me. When I can't get validation from the other, I have to be able to validate all this without falling into my old thinking of feeling disgusting and unloved and he wanted to get rid of me, etc. etc.
And maybe that's where the pathology is? That I go to the abandoned scenario?
