to you ElizaJ.

I so understand how you are feeling and I can support you by being here for you when you post - AND DO KEEP POSTING


I agree that five weeks will go quicker than you think, time goes by so quickly and you are seeing your P next week which is good. Tell her exactly what you are feeling and ask her for help.

I am sorry I can't say much, I have loads going on in my head about childhood stuff and I can't get my head around it all at the moment.

Thinking of you ElizaJ.

Caroola x

It can be incredibly difficult to hold on to the present when the past intrudes. Somehow, with all that going on emotionally, we are to pass back something of the stability of the present to that lost little child of way-back-when.

If you can feel any compassion for her ElizaJ, any capacity to keep a little part of yourself as an adult observer it may help to anchor you. These things are intensely painful and feel very overwhelming. It will calm again, as it has before, but I get that right now that doesn't feel true maybe.

Whilst the T is away isn't a good moment to begin to work on new stuff that may be triggered by her going - you may need to contain that. In a quiet moment perhaps talk to that 9 year old inside and tell her that you care, that you feel her distress and that you will deal with it together when the time is right and you have the support you will need. Can you try that? (might take several goes).

I'm sorry you are struggling and hope it begins to calm a little for you. Grab that list of distractors perhaps?

sb

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply. It was comforting to wake up and see people cared enough to post. Helped me feel a little less alone in this.

(((Monte))) I wish I felt comfort from thinking about my T or her coming back but any thought if her triggers the very scary flashbacks .

Funny you mentioned time and holding onto that - my concept of time has gone - things that happened a day or two ago feel like they happened weeks or on this ago. Things that happened a week ago barley feel like they ever happened at all.

It's only been 6 days since I saw my T yet it honestly feels like it's been years . It's very unsettling and doesn't help my feeling present in the 'now' in any way because I can't hold onto anything. I'll go snowboarding and enjoy it - and just 2 days later it feels like it never happened, so far away is the memory.

Seems the only memories that feel like they've happened a second or two ago are the damn flashbacks

Thank you for your kind words - they helped.

(((Caroola))) thank you for posting a reply the kind words. I will be telling my pdoc for sure - as much as I can in a 25 min app. I have booked in to see her twice next week - ties and fri. Then will see her weekly at the time slot I normally see my T in.

I will definitely be honest and tell her how bad the dark thoughts and depression is at times. A week ago I could not see I'd be here this week - increasing my meds helped the worst of the depression which is bit more manageable this week.

My pdoc is trained in psychotherapy as well so I HOPE she can help me process or at least reassure me a little. I am TERRIFED of feeling the complete emotional overwhelm I felt as a child. I KNOW what it's like to feel utterly terrified, overwhelmed, feeling like you will die and having not a soul to turn to - some trauma memories I processed in the past year revealed that is how I felt at times. It was so bad when I was little I did try to take my life once - I was in the bath and decided to put my head under the water and not come up again. Of course I had no idea it's impossible for that to work and when it failed I was even more depressed

(((SB))) I'm doing all I can to keep it all away - even if my T was here I struggle so much to hold it together... I'm definitely trying not to go there with any if it but PTSD doesn't work they way unfortunately - the trauma memories come up whether or not I want them too. Definitely no trying to process of think or dwell .... Cos the flashbacks happen so much (dozens and dozens a day) little bits come out whether it not I want them too. It's weird but in some ways it's worse if I try to stop them.


.....

On the weekend the little girl in me went shopping and bought a lot of pretty stickers, cards, decorative things, a pretty trinket box with stickers and gems and little things and it was so comforting. I worked really long days the last 2 days so haven't been home except to eat and sleep (yesterday began at 3am, home 5pm), but today I hope to have some time to make some nice cards and letters and decorate a journal I bought.

It's hard cos the little girl in me wants to do those things as it gives her comfort - but at the same time, it triggers me too, just to even vaguely acknowledge her.

I will try to phone my caseworker today - I've only recently started working with her (2 apps) so don't know her yet and I'm not sure I feel I can really open up much with her yet cos the pain of feeling unvalidated is far far worse than the pain of keeping it all inside and being alone with it

well done managing work - and hugely long days at that!

Yes, I know we can't control the flashbacks and that PTSD doesn't work to order. It was more about sending soothing messages to the traumatized part of you that is being triggered... but do ignore all of that if it just doesn't fit with your experience.

And, no, I didn't mean trying to stop or block them - I guess I didn't write it well... it was more kind than that - the idea that these things are truly awful, and acknowledgement of it but carefully just sending that consistent message inside that it is safe here and now (though I do know it may not feel that way when time gets a bit muddled). I know YOU don't want to process or think etc - but some part of you inside maybe does?

None of that is in any way a 'cure'. More just a coping with horrible stuff.

Glad you have the little bits of support you have - a lifeline I'd think!

sb

Thanks SB.

I really really struggle with the concept of 'it's safe in the here and now' - I really really struggle with that because the flashbacks are so real and cos they are so SEAMLESS - the past and present float together in and out and I get so dissociated... And the feelings are so damn awful I'm unable to tolerant them even for the 'few seconds' they are there

I used to be told 'just tell yourself you're an adult now , you have more choices, you're safe' but then I went through the major quakes (several major quakes and literally thousands of aftershocks in a 2 yr period) in my city - that proved the theory wrong cos I wasn't safe. I didn't have more choices. I didn't have anyone to turn too because phones were down, power was off, roads were damaged, buildings had fallen down and killed people, there warn enough ambulances or doctors and army tanks were rolling through the city centre to enforce a police curfew .

The quakes triggers the recurrence of childhood related PTSD. Everything I thought to be true and believed in was destroyed and my sense of 'safe' evaporated.

Anyway sorry. I'm rambling.

I txt my caseworker to pleas phone me today but she hasn't ... I thought she worked late tonight but it's nearly 7:30pm and I haven't heard from her so I probably won't now until she's back at work on Sunday.

Something positive is I went back to bed for a daytime sleep, one and a half hours. I was so exhausted. It's hard to keep my mood stable when I'm so tired.

Feeling stressed with work - feeling pressured to take on more work than I can cope with and I'm struggling to say no as I feel I'm being made out to be the baddie and being 'unfair'. A colleague hasn't had any time off for 7 weeks and is again asking me to cover her for the weekend - I just don't feel I can cover anyone else in audits to the other 2 plus me I am already covering this weekend

Feeling so on edge.

Hope to sleep through the night without call outs for work. Really need to sleep well right now.