This is a very quick summary of my session today. Please forgive the typos!
I gave T a little chocolate heart today. I liked seeing him on Valentines Day even if we didn't talk about it. I told him I brought him a little something and gave it to him and he said thank you that was very nice, thank you. He didn't yell at me about feeding him LOL. He set it on his desk and I liked seeing it there.
I talked to him today about session endings and how the words "stop" and "end" are triggering to me and I think it's when I dissociate. He will say "we HAVE to stop here" or "we HAVE to end here". So I had jotted down on a sticky some ideas that I could refer to. Like... let's start winding down here or let's start to wrap up here or let's pause here for today... an then he should aske me if I need to ask or say anything. He really liked the ideas and asked me for the sticky. He admitted he has been remiss in watching the clock and not giving me any warning. He said he is so engaged in talking to me that the time seems to go very quickly. At least I'm not putting him to sleep !!!
I also told him that when he reminds me to look at what he does for me I hear my mom and what she used to tell me and then I get the feeling to run away from him. He said that is transference and I said yeah I know and it's triggering me. He said that my solution is for him not to say those things because it causes transference and he told me that he HAS to say those things so I can eventually hear HIS message which is that "I do these things freely for you because I care about you and you are important". He said he really does not care if I experience transference because this is what helps him to help me work through the damage of the past. I know that made sense but it's hard walking through it to the other side.
Then we talked about why even if my story last week was rather benign that I freaked out when he didn't remember or comment about it. I realized the simple act of just TELLING him anything about me is terrifying... especially the stuff that happened before OldT because it feels like if he knows THAT part of who I was in any way it will give him reason to abandon me like oldT did. He said he already knows me and described how he does, etc. and that what I tell him just fills in some of the outside of my life and who I am but he already knows my core and who I am and that is what he likes and respects. I told him this is why I needed to hear his comments and thoughts about what I told him even if it was benign. But I also had to finish my story which I did, telling him how my mom got so angry at my writing when I was 13 and she ripped up my stories into little pieces and how I tried to put them back together and I couldn't because they were in the trash and dirty and mixed up. And I felt like I had been torn up too. That I was in pieces. And it brought back the memory of when she had my long hair cut off and I tried to tape it back on. I was around 5 or 6 then. I told T I seem to be stuck at 6. He agreed and we talked about how my reasoning is so distorted and convoluted at times because it's the very predicatable reasoning of a 6 year old. It was normal for a child to think that way. He says the core of my fear is that I am too much or need too much and will be punished if anyone realizes this. Oh and it was interesting that he added that oldT also tore my stuff up when he returned my things in that box. I added yeah and when he took an email that I wrote to him from my heart and edited it to say what HE wanted it to say or felt I was saying to him in a very negative way and sent it back to me in the box. He twisted everything making me look awful and bad.
T sighed and said oldT was a f---ing idiot and he wishes I never saw him and that I am a way better writer than oldT could ever dream of being. He said that he likes how I write and he keeps and values everything I write to him.
We talked about anger and how threatening it feels to me and he said it's okay that I can't find the right volume now. He knows I'm not malicious at all and I won't hurt him. He said it's good that I get angry and that it may be messy at times but I need to learn how to use this in the real world. He said anger tells the other person something... that they are hurting you in some way. He said that I will notice when my anger has the right volume because it will make the other person sit up and pay attention to you and what you need.
He told me he knows I get angry because I don't have control in there. He has the control because even if I know a lot he knows even more (sometimes I hate him for that or maybe I'm jealous ... not sure) and that he understands the process having been through it enough.
I told him how I never did anything as a child or student... no extra curricular stuff, no lessons and I was so talentless and so NOT special in any way. He said that my mother's lack of interest in me was always turned back on me. We need to explore this further but time was running out and we were both cognizant of it. He did end the session gently and it felt much better. I got a strong handshake which I told him I actually could FEEL and two separate pats on the arm and shoulder. He told me I did really good work today... which I believe because I am incredibly tired and could sleep for a week.
That's about it. Thanks for reading.
TN
Original Post
. Sometimes it is just so hard to take in and hold onto.