oh! you guys, thanks for all the hugs and wonderful support! it means SO Much to me! i love you all!!!
the appointment went so well, and i'm SO relieved!!! a little background is that my PCP referred me to my T, who i've been seeing for 3 years this month. first it was weekly, then every 2 weeks, then monthly. i took a looooong break of 7 months (it was excruciating to say the least), and since my return about once a month, give or take.
so, a couple months ago after discovering that i've never discussed my drinking with my doctor, T offered to talk with my doc about my drinking. when he made the suggestion i nearly shriveled up into a ball of utmost shame, just the thought of my doc knowing i'm a boozer. T then said that the secrets and shame that i carry are ruining my life. this cut deep, but i needed to hear it. so, after about a month i told him to please go ahead and talk to my doctor, which he did (this arrangement was made because i was/am too ashamed of my alcohol abuse to bring it up).
well, it turns out T and my PCP are friends!! now, i know this is to my advantage, BUT that information about floored me, leaving me feeling like an outsider. it really is amazing the ways transference rears its ugly (but useful, too) head. this may be a topic for therapy.
my PCP has always had dreams of becoming a psychoanalyst, but decided to become a doctor instead, to challenge himself. so, now at the age of 51 (he is 6 months younger than i am) he is studying to become a psychoanalyst. how convenient for me!!?!???!?!
i've been seeing my PCP since 2000, so we have some history, which is also helpful. he rented space from my T while he was in T training, and that's how they became friends.
whew! sorry for being so long-winded, but i guess i'm a little excited
so i went in, feeling VERRRRY anxious and when i get anxious i shake and a frog jumps in my throat and i'm constantly clearing my throat and it's just not good. he's not a knocker, so he just comes in and he has a HUGE smile on his face, and shakes my hand and tells me (as he always does, minus the huge smile ... usually just a amiable kind of smile) how good it is to see me. THANK GOD he opened the discussion up. he said "T called me and he gave me some information. would you like to say more about that?" in TRUE T fashion! argh!
so i gave him the quick story, and we had a really good conversation and he said alot of stuff that really put me at ease. like "i see this as a chronic condition, much like diabetes or a heart condition" and "you're not going to change overnight". we talked about AA (i found a church that is a methodist based church for every kind of recovery you can imagine ... alcohol, meth, gamblers, overeating, just out of prison, etc. and i'm really excited to get involved with them!
).
i told him that i went to a women's only AA group there the last two weeks and met some nice people and got some phone numbers. i told him how i don't like to share because i start to feel overwhelmingly emotional, so i always just make it really quick before the floodgates open. and i told him that when i go to church services there and they start singing (this is anywhere, not just at this particular church), that i have to stop singing because my emotions just get away from me, and i have to stop singing in order to reel them in. he said that he sees emotions as another "sense", like seeing and hearing, that we have senses to both pick up information in the environment around us and tell us stuff, but also to protect us. i get what he's saying, but the feelings, to me, don't feel protective ... they make me feel vulnerable, if anything.
anyway, he was incredibly wonderful (why do you think i've been with him for 13 years?
)! i'm SOOO glad i went and disclosed (well ... i guess i have to give T all the credit there
)! he did some liver tests and i'll return in a month for more. he made it clear that if i am having problems either with the medication or with sticking with it, that he expects me to call and let him know, that we need to work together, as a team, on this.
he asked if i'll still be seeing T. I plan on going back. not as often as i wish. in part because of declining insurance benefits, and in part because i really often times feel like such a fool, because i don't have real goals and because i am so constipated in therapy both on a cognitive and emotional level. my PCP made it clear that he would not require me to see T. that's actually quite helpful to me, because i do tend to be quite stubborn when somebody tells me i HAVE to do something. pretty much 100% of the time it doesn't work out and i resist.
anyway, thanks again to all of you. i wasn't expecting the response i got mostly because this part of the forum doesn't get much attention. i'll have the prescription filled in the near future, and i will keep you wonderful people informed. i will still need your good thoughts, wishes, prayers ... whatever you got.
really, your support means more to me than you can imagine.
to all of you.
