I have (for right now) two ts. Things w my "regular" are a complete mess... and not the sujbect of this thread. This is about my other t. We do a more limited and specific kind of therapy. This week something came up and as we talked, my t asked me to give a name to the part of me that felt almost warrior like. E
She said "you can even make one up." This made me think she was talking about more than naming the emotions and feelings I was having. I almost asked her to give me an example, or explain what she meant more... but I didn't. I told her that "well, someone once said I was tenacious when I felt like this before." My t said she liked that, it was fitting, so I figured it worked well enough.

We talked more about what I was feeling and I told her if I stop feeling tenacious, I feel pulled into either fixing or running and hiding (in regards to the prblem I was facing). As we talked, my t talked about a mediator in between my tenacious-warrior self and the feeling of wanting to run and hide. She asks me to desribe feeings a lot, which is good for me. She asked me to describe what the run and hide feeling felt like (if it has a location in my body, a color, any images that come up with it, what does it make me want to do...)

I said, "I feel something... well... what I feel, it makes me feel like my ears are red. I guess I'm embarassed. I feel small."

She asked, "young small? Or small in size?"

I said, "small like... powerless..."

I felt sad as I said that, and turned away from my t to look out a barn window to see that the rain had stopped and commented about how it had so suddenly stopped (moments before it was a ton of rain and wind and even hail, all common for where I live). Before my t could respond, I looked back at her and smiled and said, "yes, I'm totally changing the subject for a moment."

"That's ok."

I looked back out the window and she did too and we both commented about how quiet and peaceful it was outside now.

She looked at me and said something like how she had a very sweet feeling inside about this moment and me and all I had been talking about (2hich was a lot more than just this). She is gestaltish in her style of therapy (and uses other styles too) and every now and then she will state what the conversation makes her fell but it like in a dang I feel mad for you or I feel like this is a very tender moment or I feel tense when you say that, what is it like for you... she tends to be very gently authentic, and yet it doesn't really feels like its about her. Like somehow, I don't find myself being worried about I need to do something to manage or change what she thinks or feels about me in these moments.

Anyhow, the whole coming up with names of parts or feeling states (?) is not something she has said before...

I just feel really confused. I do dissoci.te. I don't have DID, but I can get like into a state where a feeling is a bit disconnected from the rest of me and my voice can have a slightly different tone (I'm told and I have heard) but there isn't more than tone or emotions expressed - no personailties, ages, memories associated with specific states...

and I don't feel like I even know how to talk about it...

Or respond when a t wants me to give the states names to refer to as we talk. I understand why that makes sense and is a good idea, especially if I already internally have names... but I don't. Its just not there...

I don't feel at all pressured to name anything. I don't want to. But I do wish I had a way to talk about it where I can maybe eventually say, "yeah that tencious warrior part of me... when I remember that part of me I remember that I can protect me."

Does this sound confusing or weird or familliar to anyone? So mixed up. I feel weird posting this and honestly might delete or edit out part of it later. I think I just feel so alone and confused right now and wanting to keep myself from... something... and I don't even know what that something is. Maybe I just already feel like so much else is topsy turvey in my life right now I feel somehow desperate to find whatever is steady in me, even a steady way to deacribe my own experience of my self.

Thanks for letting me share this. (Any thoughts totally welcome)

jane

P.s. sorry about typos and delayed responses right now. Computer is in the shop and my hands are still recovering from injury.