DaRock,
Just the fact that you are in counseling is great and that it hit you like a ton of bricks because you have an awareness. I don't know what my dad's diagnosis is other than deep depression and how angry he used to get which is the part that gave me a mental flashback reading your post. I'm ultrasensitive today so that's probably why...I commend you for looking at yourself like the Michael Jackson song "man in the mirror."
Good Luck,
Hopeful

DaRock, first of all your T is right that you don't have NPD. People with NPD are very rarely able to question if they have it because they are so obsessed with their own perfection and unable to genuinely question themselves.

Second, other people are genuinely able to meet MANY of your needs. I think the work you might need to do in therapy is allowing other people to meet your needs without getting too bent out of shape when they do it imperfectly or can't meet all of them. It's finding that middle ground between dependence and too much self-reliance.

Hugs to you!

hopeful- sorry for your flashback. an angry dad is no fun. i have seen my dad quite angry. its really sad actually.
i hope you are having a nice afternoon. or since i dont know your time zone, a good day.

enjoy.

alpaca, what you said is what my T said. nicely put. thank you.

D

DaRock, it has been hard to face my "diagnosis" when I finally got it out of my T on Jan 4th. "PTSD mixed in with Personality Disorder NOS." Not otherwise specified. I guess that means I am a little of all of them. Well, there are 3 clusters, and I read them online and I have little of everything, lol

When I read your first post, I have a very similar problem....it was good to read what you wrote because I wonder if that is it, and I wonder if I can just change my expectations level in order to better love my husband, and stop being so angry, and then depressed so much of the time....yuck. So hard to face this "stuff."

Glad you are facing it with a T's support.

believe it or not, i actually work as a T.
diagnosis means nothing. i work with so many other T's and they throw around stuff like bipolar, PTSD...etc.
what matters is if your T gets it and thinks its treatable.
sorry youre having a hard time being happy. keep trying. its not a matter of just adjusting your expecations, as you put it. its more about finding out where your expectations were not met as a child that will shed light on why you feel so angry. who let you down?
in the end its about feeling the grief of not having your needs met as a child and once you can feel it fully, you wont be angry anymore, in the way you describe.

personality disorder NOS? what the hell is that anyways. it likely means your T thinks your character has some maladaptive features. but it may not be your character. id be cautious with accepting that and also very thorough in asking questions until youre sure you get what it means for you now and in the future.

I went on meds on Jan 6th and even though they put me on AD's with a mood stabilizer, the mood stabilizer took awhile to get into my blood (actually still think I'm not at theraputic level)....anyway, I went into a mania....and then when my T starting asking me questions I said, "Now you're going to say I have Bipolar, too, right?" She said, "You're not answering my question." Ha....I'm not sure why I want to know what she thinks is "wrong" with me....it seemed really important to me I guess because I knew I was going to have to tell a new doc something when I found one I liked in order to get the "right" meds....anyway, the meds I have are for depression and mood dysregulation, and my T said the 2nd med is one they use for Bipolar, I told her "I know." For some reason, after 19 months in therapy I feel like a failure, still, but T pushed the issue 4 sessions ago (I go twice a week) about my mom, and I left 10 minutes early that day and cried harder than I ever cried in that session with her, which was hard because I only had 2 hours of sleep that night, but I definitely felt the grief and I know she thinks I need to, too....so I hear what you're saying....I grew up without a dad because he died of cancer when I was 8 months and my mom had depression many years (when I was a baby and throughout my childhood and adolesense) and I had a lot of unmet needs (still very unhappy with my relationship with my mom today)....I do a "push pull" thing with my H....one day I need him and love him and can accept his love too, a couple days later I don't want him anywhere near me and I feel angry (I can't believe he still wants to try to work it out after 12 years of that)....anyway, thanks for listening, and thanks for your thoughts; my T must think I am treatable....

b

I am wondering what constitutes high expectations. My expectations kept getting lower and lower, and after a while it just seemed pointless to invest in even the simplest of relationships.

I like examples, here's a good one:
I expect someone to return phone calls at least 80 percent of the time. But it is amazing how difficult it is for many to do just that. I know that if I really, truly am not interested in talking to someone, I will "conveniently" forget/avoid the call. I don't do it very often, lately not at all, because I know what it feels like. It's also good business practice to actually answer the phone or return phone calls.

But it is amazing how many people lack common courtesy. Note: I am not one to call a person more than once, MAYBE twice, and then I leave it alone.

So DaRock, this issue of not having needs met, do you think it is mostly about childhood? To me, it feels like adulthood has been more disappointing. Every one is busy, busy, busy, self-absorbed, and exhausted.

quote:

this makes me feel scared that i will never be able to be an adult person, who is able to let go of my own needs enough to actually accept and love another person.

In simpler terms, there are "givers" and "takers" in the world. I think that most people flow between the two. Do you all think that so many are too exhausted to give? Or that more people seem to have an overblown sense of entitlement?

I'm digging more into the childhood aspect of all this, I can't remember much, but it is a piece of the puzzle. Because my dad was like hopeful's dad.

I'm not a fan of the personality disorder diagnosis, and I would want a thorough explanation, not only of the dx, but WHY it was given in the first place.

Funny how perfectionism is not talked about as much. It seems like there is always a "diagnosis du jour"- and I don't like to ID with any of them.

quote:

We are then able to connect to others like us. We are doing it now, in here!

This does help a lot, doesn't it?

I would be lost without this site...without it it would probably leave me clueless.I liked that statement also from Muff and his/her whole post...

quote:

We are then able to connect to others like us. We are doing it now, in here!

quote:

number9,
I'm so glad "somehow" to read that you had a dad like I have. In "real" life it seems people don't talk about this stuff...thank goodness there are therapists out there that understand and are willing to help us. I'm not sure what I was feeling when I started therapy (a bit of midlife crisis I believe) but I'm glad someone "once again" in my life suggested it. I always feel stuff bubbling when I read here and I wish I could run to my therapist and get it out right that moment but seems like I do the push away dance with her and but I keep trying to throw things out there...it is helping. I feel like "intimacy" with friends or with supervisors is one of my issues...with a good measure of self-hate for not being able to get myself right. Good luck number9...I loved the acknowledgment to have that in common...not glad that we have been hurt "of course."
Hopeful

Guess

You're too funny! Well I couldn't know... . I always think your responses are great.

d

Muff, your responses I really like them too. They have grounded me quite a few times, told a truth that I didn't think of because I was too busy intellectualizing everything. You're female, right? I've always thought you were male. You remind me of a friend of mine I think, thats why.

G'day.
The name is Marree.

It is easier on the mind and bod to feel.

Getting there is the problem.

quote:

narcissistic fragility

I've never heard of this term but seems to fit me in many ways. I know I have too high of expectations and judge others mercilessly. However, at times I also feel like I let a lot of flaws "pass" because I don't want to lose the friends I do have that care about me. I find myself judging them in my mind and picking out all their flaws as if to add to my inner score card of why they will let me down and reject me. Yet, in person, I ignore the things that bother me - I think almost to a fault. Thanks for shedding insight on this