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6 replies

Need Advice - Trip to clean up mom's house planned.

jillannjillannMember
Some of you may remember some of my family's story. My brother is a drug addict. He was living with my mother and providing care for her as she was in early Alzheimers. (I did not know he was a drug addict at the time!) Last February he caused an explosion in my mothers house while trying to make drugs in her kitchen. During the summer he stole her car. He was arrested during the summer and spent about 6 weeks in jail but a very stupid judge let him out with no bail. Of course he did not show up for his next court date so a warrant was issued for his arrest. In February he was found by the police and returned to jail.

In about three weeks my family and I are planning to travel to my mom's house to finish getting it cleaned and ready to go on the market. The damage my brother caused is costing me >$30,000.00 out of my childrens college fund to repair. (hopefully I will be reimbursed once the property sells.) We will be hanging new lighting fixtures, laying floors, and cleaning.

The jail where brother is incarcerated is just down the street from mom's house. I will literally be driving by him multiple times. I am struggling with the idea of going to visit him while I am there. T and I talked about it this week. She understands the pull to see him. Brother is 10 years younger than me and I did a lot of caring for him when he was little. DH does not understand. He has pointed out to me that I will most likely not hear or see what I want. T's most important point was asking me what seeing him would do to me and my recovery. I'm not sure what seeing him will do to me and my eating. I believe the entire trip is going to be triggering to me.

I also want to see my father while I'm in town. This will most likely be the last time I travel to my home state for several years to come. (I now have my mom placed in a memory care facility close to my current home and my dad and I are not close.) He is a big cause of my ED. He will be thrilled by my current weight and will want to talk about it. I have never wanted to be the one that caused our relationship to be bad. My dad is just a damaged person and is not capable of really caring about anyone else. I worry about how much longer he is going to live. I told T I don't want to not see him I just want to be prepared to handle him. She really thinks I should not see him.

So I need to make some decisions. Do I see brother in jail? And to I visit with my father. I'm leaning toward no on brother and yes on dad. But I keep going back and forth on both of them.

Any thoughts,

Jillann
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affinityaffinityMember
Goodness. After reading that, I'd lean more towards yes with the brother and no with dad. I mean, if dad is the major reason for your ED, I wouldn't put your recovery at risk. Frowner

I guess what I'm wondering is, what are you hoping to achieve with these visits? Is there something you need to say? Need to hear? A connection or closure you're hoping to gain? I can tell you, unhealthy people are rarely cooperative in these matters. You're much more likely to encounter a triggering (or worse, abusive) situation than to get anything positive out of them. Go if it will absolutely put your mind at ease. But if there's any doubt about it, my advice, stay away. Your recovery is much to valuable to let anyone stomp on it.
jonesjonesMember
Jillan,

Maybe it would help to remember that there will very likely be other chances to talk to your dad and your brother further down the track. I don't know how your dad's health is, but there are probably chances for phone calls, emails, or future visits. The longer you work on your recovery the stronger you will be. It's okay if you decide not to pressure yourself to have last-chance conversations right now. Your health and stability is really important too. And (aside from your kids') it's the only person's health and stability that is yours to take care of.
MallardMallardMember
Jilann,

I think Affinity makes a good point about what you would hope to achieve.

If you're thinking of going because of 'oughts' or 'shoulds' then it might be worth spending some time thinking about why you feel that way. Lots of us find it really hard to get out of patterns that were laid down long ago and they are especially pernicious when family are involved.

Do you think you can interact with your dad on an adult to adult level? Can you set appropriate boundaries, or will the interaction mimic what has happened in the past? The difficulty with a lot of troubled interactions with parents is that it can be so easy to get flipped into an unhealthy critical parent - victim child interaction and you can end up feeling re-traumatised and it reinforces all those feelings of worthlessness that we work so hard to put down.

My gut says no to visit with dad - I know that it's your choice but my sense is that you're at quite a vulnerable point in your recovery and from what you've said about your dad and how he operates, the visit is unlikely to be therapeutic for you. I also wonder whether if he is not great about empathising with others, then he will not be grateful or glad of the visit and it won't really change your dynamic at all.

I think it's okay to focus on just you and what you need to get through this difficult time. Clearing your mum's house sounds stressful enough without throwing a potentially misery-inducing parental visit into the mix.

Take care Hug two
E emeMember
(((JILLIAN))) There is a lot of wisdom that has been offered on this forum to you, and I think its all very accurate and comes from the heart. I pray you take in the advice and choose wisely. ((((YOU)))) are the most important thing to look after and take care of, YOU COME FIRST! Personally, and I could certainly be wrong, but I think you are much to fragile to go see your Brother or your Dad, unless you honestly see those visits as the outcome will "POSITIVELY" only be emotionally healing to you. We care a lot about YOU, and so does your
T, so carefully think things through, and decide what will only be in your best benefit to keep healing. Warmest Hugs

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