(((Ninna))) I'm afraid I don't have answers for you, but I very much relate to what you're saying. I am in the middle of trying to tackle my body/weight/sexuality issues and it's pretty rough stuff.

There is some insight my T gave me about the whole thing that I want to share in case it helps you. I always thought I was ashamed of my body because I was fat, but when I really started digging into my feelings, and going underneath the shame, turns out that the shame is about HAVING a body at all.

My T pointed out to me (in what turned out to be a MAJOR ephiphany for me) that any time I started to eat or exercise, it meant I was paying attention to my body, which in turn always triggers intense shame. So I would get caught in this vicious cycle of "Must stop eating to lose weight. Oh I have a body. Wow, I am so ashamed of my body. I must eat to shove the shame away. Oh no, I can't control my eating, I am so ashamed. Must eat more to shove more shame away." It's not pretty.

So right now I am trying to step away and instead of trying to control my behavior, I am just trying to be curious about what I do and why I do it. I am also digging into my feelings of shame about my body (which has been really intense and hard; I am having flashbacks and re-enactments and all kinds of fun stuff. I will eventually write about it here and/or on my blog, but right now its too raw. I can barely, and I do mean, barely, talk to my T about it).

The way you describe your feelings of shame and humiliation, I wonder if something similar might be getting in the way. I am trying to learn that I do not need to feel ashamed, that I am loveable and worthwhile just as I am, and to recognize that my body is a part of myself I do not need to deny, but that loving myself can mean that I want to eat right and exercise as a way to take care of myself. Basically I want to learn to act out of self-love and care, not shame and punishment. It's slow going.

It is, however, very clear to me, when I hear someone else like you. that you do not deserve condemnation or humiliation, but encouragement and support. Good for you for wanting to take care of yourself but there are reasons this is so hard and you deserve compassion for the struggle even from yourself.

AG

ninna... AG and Draggers made some good points. I applaud you for doing something positive for yourself. That is a huge step and you are very brave. Instead of looking at it as losing weight or trying to lose weight can you think that they will cheer you for getting stronger and more healthy? That your bones and muscles will become stronger and you will be more powerful? You are now taking charge of your body. I think this should empower you rather than make you feel bad.

So try to focus on getting healthy and not so much on the loss of the weight and both will happen for you.

I am proud of you for doing such a brave thing. And maybe you will end up having fun and being friends with your trainer too!

TN

((ninna))

So sorry to hear of how difficult this is for you I am impressed with your bravery in facing down something so painful for you. Please know that you have support and understanding here.

It may be not helpful at all, but I wanted to share something that my T has been working on with me in regards to my body views. He has instructed me to tell myself, every single time I think negatively about my body, that I feel good about myself, I love my body and I feel attractive. I told him I felt ludicrous telling my mind something I did not believe, and I doubted it would make any difference. But he said to do it anyway, whether I believe it or not. And to reply to any positive remarks from others with 'thank you' instead of my usual dismissal of compliments. He said with relentless persistence, this can gradually start to rewire the pathways in the brain that were formed from years of hearing only negative. (involves the brain's "neuroplasticity" or ability to form new restructured thought patterns & views)

I have noticed subtle differences in my views with continued effort doing this. Maybe it could have a helpful effect for you, or may be something to look into. Best wishes to you

AH

((Ninna)) I am glad that getting responses here have helped you feel a bit better but it's totally understandable that you are struggling. This is really tough stuff to deal with. And I hope you do write more, I think a lot of people struggle with these issues which makes discussions like these really helpful for not just you, but a lot of other people.

Please feel welcome to speak more.

Hi ninna,



I think you've gotten a lot of good responses here that I can't really expand much on But I did want to say I'm thinking of you. It's so hard to be self-conscious about our bodies... sometimes walking down the street for me is too much. It is hard, as other people said, because you'll feel IN your body and there will be emphasis. Maybe you can ask your trainer to cheer you on based on your commitment (just showing up, just finishing) then him/her it's hard to focus on the weight. I know that may be triggering too.

I have a hope that other people at the gym will be more interested in themselves than others around them. Which is hard to do at first. And also like other people have said, it's an internal self-worth thing. I get disgusted, hostile and weird looks at the gym I was a member of. It's hard to hold on to yourself and why you're there. How people judge all people for their weight can be really harsh and painful when it doesn't effect them in any way whatsoever.

Thinking of you,
Cat

(((Ninna))) I don't have much time to respond but I wanted to say good on you for trying! It's not an easy road and it's not as simple as eating what you know you should and exercising in a healthy manner like the general public seems to think it is. I often think to myself that eating disorders of any description are probably one of the most difficult disorders to deal with in the sense that life is around food. You have to eat and so the emotions that you deal with around your body and eating are a constant everyday battle. It's not like a drug addict that can try and avoid certain people or situations (don't get me wrong I'm not saying fighting drug addiction is easy - I'm not) but with food you are confronted with those emotions on a daily basis. It's embedded in all of our social situations and you walk around in society and everyone can see your physical being and the media projects an image that because you don't fall into exacerbates your pain and suffering. So while your body is visible and open to criticism by the general public your inner hurts that have manifested themselves in your outer appearance remain invisible. I even feel that what I have written here has simplified the struggle to such a proportion that it almost makes it insulting for those who are suffering. I suffer in part in the sense that I have issues around weight but not to the same proportions as some people.

Ninna it looks like we are all supporting you here - keep writing and don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself - just do the best that you can!

B2W

Ninna:

When I read your post, I immediately thought of this dove commercial....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk

I believe that when we are bullied or made fun of, we feel judged our entire lives. But what we have trouble understanding is how the world truly sees us, just how beautiful we really are. I really think you are a beautiful person, especially how open and raw you are in writing this painful experience. It takes a lot of strength to do that. I hope this video helps a little, and maybe will warm your heart.

I know what it feels like to be bullied and picked on. It really hurts. I'm so sorry you experienced that.