Hi everyone. I am new to posting but I have been lurking for quite a while. I have learnt so much from you all posting about your experiences.

I have been seeing my t for 13 months, mostly weekly. My GP and psychiatrist have been telling me repeatedly to end with him for the last six months and to me that feels like death. The main problem is that he continually breaks his boundaries.

I have huge issues of attachment and transference feelings towards him. I have tried eight times to end and each time I just keep going back. It is an addiction.

I have always been upfront and honest with him about the feelings of attachment and erotic transference I have. Once I asked him what would happen if I hugged him, since I knew he wouldn't hug me. He said he wasn't going to go there and discuss it. I kept asking and he still refused to answer. I said I could just force the issue and hug him and he said he would feel violated. I had a huge meltdown then and left feeling like he thought I was a revolting human being and a rapist.

After a week of being very distressed about the whole issue I rang him and said I would like to discuss it but did not want to go to his rooms. He offered to me meet me at another place which he did (he had told me before that he would never meet clients outside his rooms) and then ended very abruptly with me and left me with no support and refused to take my calls even though he knew I was suicidal about the ending. I left many messages about not being able to cope and begging him to let me come back to therapy.

A week later he did let me go back and it was apparently my fault that he ended because it wasn't working.

That was about four months ago. There are also problems where is is warm and cosy one session and then cold and icy the next. One time he gave me a look - it lasted long enough for me to know what it meant - but maybe I misread it - I am so confused. I do get that he doesn't want me, that he has broken boundaries because he didn't want a suicide on his watch, but the look he gave me is so confusing and changes everything for me. He has also told me that I misread the look.

In our last session I told him that I need him to hold really tight boundaries because I unconsciously manipulate him to break those boundaries and when he does (easily) I see it as a chance to get closer to what I want - him.

He didn't take that very well and said that he is just flexible. I gave him several examples of boundaries that he said were not negotiable that he has since broken. He said that so long as I stay in my chair and he stays in his chair, I will be right, that he won't end again. I answered that makes me think there is a chance that he wants to get out of his chair. He ignored me. When I left after that discussion he made a point of standing across the other side of the room away from me. I pointed that out and said that I was never going to jump his bones and he ignored me again. He has made me feel like I am so repulsive and vile that he couldn't bear to be touched by me.

I know that I am searching for something but I am not sure yet what this is. I am seeing a new t and really need to end with my old t but the feelings of despair are overwhelming and I need to find strength to do this.