Hi Sea! Welcome to the forums. I can understand why you might be wondering what's going on, but different Ts have different styles. I am seeing a male T now but my first T (who I saw on and off for some 17+years) was female. Part of my healing was that as I got better I actually started taking better care of my appearance and dressing better, etc. She would often comment on my appearance, and I definitely had a lot of positive comments from her on my behaviors. It was very much a reparative experience with her. My self-esteem was so dismal that to have someone whom I valued so much giving me positive feedback was really important. And calling rehab and contacting you in the hospital was an important way to show her concern for your well-being. I can definitely see where all of her behaviors could be done for your good and have nothing to do with any agenda that is about her.

And the boundaries can vary from T to T. My first T would hug me when I asked for, my present T has a no hug policy. But with my first T except for when I asked for a hug, we didn't have any contact on hello or goodbye while with my current T, we shake hands at the end of each session.

Bottom line, I don't think anything else is going on, but the fact that you're wondering about it is significant. Which means, yes, you guessed it if you've done some reading around the forums, you should talk to her about it. Explain how her comments are making you feel and that you're wondering about her boundaries.
Clear boundaries are a very important part of therapy and its important that you are comfortable with where hers are and with how she's behaving towards you.

Hope some of that helped, and I'm looking forward to getting to know you!

AG

Sea, welcome and I am sure you will get lots of advice. I'll give you my thoughts but I want to warn you that I'm pretty new here and have only been in therapy for 7 months.

Her comments about your personal appearance seem unusual to me but you don't mention what kind of issues you are talking about in T so perhaps they are appropriate. My T never comments on my appearance or personality and I worry constantly about what he thinks of me.

I think the only way to work through this is to talk to her about it. Ask her what she means when she compliments? Unfortunately, the best way to deal with transference appears to be by talking to the T about your thoughts, feelings, and fears about them and therapy. It is not easy and I have only just started doing it.

Good luck

Hi Katskill! I'm new here, too. It totally sounds like something to talk about, for sure. I mean, I see AG's point about there being a reasonable explanation for it all - but personally, comments about my appearance would weird me out.

Thankyou everyone for your comments. AG your comments sound that they may be on track. I do feel better about myself especially after I leave and I do find myself dressing better and having a better attitude about life in general.

I really don't know how to address this with her as this is part of the issue we are working on right now, my inability to speak up and voice my opinion.

I have therapy today so we will see where that goes and I will let you all know.

Thanks
Sea

Hi Sea,
Glad it resonated with you, but as far as talking to her, do it when you're ready. An important part of therapy is learning to trust yourself about the timing and when you're ready to handle what issue. Hope its a great session!

AG

Hello Sea, welcome to the forum. Everyone has already told you the best thing to do is to talk to your T and that is absolutely right. For whatever reason your T has for doing and saying what she does should be discussed as should the impact it has on you.

If I may say, the feelings her actions provoke may have little if anything to do with you being gay. So I just don’t want you to confuse your experiences with any feelings that are being triggered in therapy. FYI: I am not gay, yet I, as you may have already read, have experienced homo-erotic feelings for my T and they represent much more than what the content of my feelings/fantasies would suggest.

If I may, I’d like to share with you a recent discussion I had with my T on why my homo-erotic transference has recently been triggered again. She rightfully and immediately went into exploring what she may have said or did to unintentionally trigger it. Even though it is not intentional she explained that sometimes sharing too much personal information with a client can be boundary seduction, leaving the client feeling special and desiring more information. In the case of calling and checking on a client that too can arouse feelings of being special as can comments on our appearance and personality. Your T may not be aware of how these things make you feel and you definitely need to bring this to her attention and not feel badly about it. However, these feelings are tied very deeply into what you need to be working on and your T needs to be on board with that and aware of what your triggers are.

Good luck!

JM

Just got back from therapy and it went really well. I am not sure what I did, but I did not let my "feelings" for my therapist follow me in. We connect so well it "kills" me.

I don't think that she knows how I feel, and I don't think anything on her part in intented. She is just a caring person.

I do know that I am feeling more like a full human being working with her. I am very grateful!!!!!

Enjoy the attunement Sea. It is something very wonderful about our therapy relationship and it sounds like you have it with your T. Glad you had a good session.

JM

quote:

she looked up the number to the rehab I was in and phoned to see how I was doing, she phoned me when I was in the hospital.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with my T looking up my phone number no matter where I am. That's personal information...

Scott

Sea,
Glad to hear that your appointment went so well. It is a really precious gift to connect, and feel cared for and understood.

AG

quote:

I wouldn't feel comfortable with my T looking up my phone number no matter where I am. That's personal information...

I think that T’s determine how far they will go based on their personal knowledge of each client and understanding each ones comfort zone. What one client may feel is intrusive, may be just what another client needs to feel important and “loved.”

I have been thinking about my session yesterday, and I am not really sure how well it went. I was a different person when I went in there in that I didn't want to feel for my T. This transference thing has me all weirded out. I pushed out my feelings of her and went into therapy in a artificial way. I did cover alot of stuff, but it felt phony in me.

She said I made progress and I felt that I made progress, but I wonder if it was indeed the real me who made the progress or the person I portrayed in there

Sea

Sea,

I hear what you are saying and I wanted to let you know I know how difficult it seems when your feelings about T change over the next day or two after a session. Early on I had a session where T tried to point out how certain behaviours keep other people from getting to close to me and I was really frustrated because it didn't sound like me. The next session I told him that those behaviours weren't how I acted in real life instead it was me in therapy, when I was putting up an act. It helped me realize I wouldn't get useful feedback if I wasn't more honest in my dealings with T.

The best thing about T is that you will get another chance to express yourself the next time and the next time and the next time ...

quote:

Originally posted by Katskill:
I have been thinking about my session yesterday, and I am not really sure how well it went. I was a different person when I went in there in that I didn't want to feel for my T. This transference thing has me all weirded out. I pushed out my feelings of her and went into therapy in a artificial way. I did cover alot of stuff, but it felt phony in me.

She said I made progress and I felt that I made progress, but I wonder if it was indeed the real me who made the progress or the person I portrayed in there

Katskill

Katskill, this post really resonated with me. I don't always know if I'm _me_ in therapy or if I'm some weird public-face facet of me. I've gotten better with it - but sometimes I feel like, even when I do talk about stuff (transference stuff, too), if that's me, too, or just another face. I just decide I'm going to say something and "don't care" what Tfella thinks about it. I'm just not sure I know of some other way to be.

Thanks for all the support.

I hear what you are saying incognito and next week we get another chance at it. With that said I think I will try and take your advice Wynne and just say what I need to say.

I really do need to address this transference issue. I know that I need to tell her and face whatever consequences there are, but that is part of my problem REJECTION and having an opinion. I don't know what I will do if she rejects me because of my transference issues. I think at this point it will devastate me. I am really scared about it. My logical side says that for me to benefit from therapy I have to be totally honest, but my emotional side is scared to lose her. We do connect, and she is what keeps me going back.

I guess if I tell her how I feel I will definitely get to the truth.

I miss her today, and wish I had the chance to go back and see her this week. Monday seems so far away.

quote:

The best thing about T is that you will get another chance to express yourself the next time and the next time and the next time ...

That is the absolute truth Incognito! Sometimes that is all that gets me through the week and feeling like I have so much unfinished business is knowing I can try again next time.

And Sea, I know I still make myself struggle with my feelings before I work up the nerve to talk to my T about them. It's like I beat myself up for a while then I do what I know I need to do and I usually feel better for it.

After 2 1/2 years I still get afraid that I am going to lose her whether it is because I am too needy or because she doesn't like my feelings for her. But she has demonstrated and even told me that she will never leave me. Still my emotional brain cannot completely trust that.(Go figure)It's getting better and one day I hope I can say it with the confidence that she does.

I miss my T too. We have a "24 hour thread" around here where we've all disclosed our personal rants about missing T more intensley the first day or two after a session.

It seems to be a part of it.

Names.

Sea - did you change your forum name a couple of times on Tuesday? I got all mountains of confuzzled. I'm having a hard time figuring out what's going on this morning in general - I went to a blog, and a post that I _think_ was there got taken down, I come here and you've got a different name, but then you don't...

Just a series of coincidences, I'm sure. ...but... you _did_ change your name, right?

Sorry for the confusion everyone...I do apologize. I did change my name. Being the paranoid person that I can be I was using the previous name on another forum and did not want to get recognized through some of the information. Sounds silly, but that is just me.

Sorry; I prolly shoulda just PM'd ya. Thanks for the clarification, though!

Went to therapy today, and it was weird. I think since I have been having these feelings for my therapist I have put myself in protective mood. It started last week at our session and since today I have pulled my emotions back, and my feelings. I go to therapy today and I have nothing to talk about because I just made myself shut down emotionally. It sort of hurts and scares me as I was just learning how to have emotions.

So today I go in not having lots to talk about, and not wanting to feel, and geeez I see her and notice how good she looks, and how she takes care of herself, and laughs with me. We end up starting with a forced conversation, and then it works it way around to something.....she is good. Anyways, I leave there having these feelings for her again and I don't like it. It makes me vulnerable and I do have emotional, and sexual feelings for her and I know that is transference, but I hate myself for having the feelings at the same time it is nice to feel love for someoone. I haven't felt that in a long time.

So here we go again.

quote:

and geeez I see her and notice how good she looks, and how she takes care of herself, and laughs with me. We end up starting with a forced conversation, and then it works it way around to something.....she is good.

Hi Kat, (is it ok if I call you Kat?)

I understand where you are coming from on those feelings for your T. They can feel very obtrusive and yes they do make you feel so vulnerable. I hate vulnerable because it never has been a good experience for me, except for with my T. In therapy we learn that with our T it can be a very different experience, that they can hold our vulnerability and contain our emotions in such a way that eventually feels safe and from there we gain ability to explore and trust even deeper. But I agree it is scary sometimes.

It’s ok to feel the way you do for your T. I notice my T sometimes. She’s a very attractive woman and there are certain sessions that we tend to hit it off more than other times, as if we _could_ be friends under different circumstances and these are real moments of attunement that I cherish, but that sometimes spark the sexual desire because of the frustrating, but intrinsic boundaries. I too love how she takes good care of herself and she really inspires me. But I still get embarrassed by my feelings for her. It is awkward, even though she insists I don’t have to feel awkward. She is not judging me. She completely understands what it is and why I feel this way, and she welcomes my feelings very openly. The more I share, the more vulnerability I expose, the less shameful and fearful it becomes. It also helps to have very open and frank dialogue with my T no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

Our relationship with our T is very intimate and within that intimacy it is natural to seek equitableness, which is what a sexual relationship implies. To be sexual with someone is a complete surrendering of both souls w/o boundaries, to be as important, and special and desirable to our partner as they are to us. This very intimate relationship where we are the complete focus of someone else’s attention naturally triggers feelings of transference, maternal and otherwise. We hate the feelings because they remind us of what we can’t have “physically” in the present and never could have “emotionally” in our past.

It is good that you are learning to love someone again. You really need that and I hope that you can continue to give that to yourself, because in therapy we are not only learning to love but to “be loved” in the truest and purest sense and thus to conquer those beliefs of being unlovable, unworthy, unimportant, and the gamut of lies we believed our entire lives. And I beleive that the final outcome of therapy is to finally love ourselves.

Until then I can sympathize with the pendulum of emotions that can range from a blushing junior high school crush (or the more adult strong erotic desires) to such a maternal pull that we want to grab our blanky and crawl upon their lap can be down right confusing. But it is ok. It really is.

Yeah, “Here we go again” you said a mouthful. That is exactly how I have been feeling!

JM

I understand what you are saying and thanks for the support. What makes this even more difficult is that my partner and I don't connect any more on that level.

____________________________________________
Our relationship with our T is very intimate and within that intimacy it is natural to seek equitableness, which is what a sexual relationship implies. To be sexual with someone is a complete surrendering of both souls w/o boundaries, to be as important, and special and desirable to our partner as they are to us.
________________________________________________

My partner and I don't have equitableness, so this relationship with T is very powerful for me. I must admit I am scared to talk to her about my feelings because that I am worried that I will scare her away. I surely don't want to do that, as we do have a connection.

I will have plenty of time to think about it as I do not see her for 2 weeks, could be a good thing or not, I guess we will see.

"just looking for a little sanity"

Kat

quote:

I must admit I am scared to talk to her about my feelings because that I am worried that I will scare her away. I surely don't want to do that, as we do have a connection.

I understand that fear and I cannot guarantee what her reaction will be, but I can say that what I and many others have experienced is that a T who is worth the exuberant fee we pay is usually completely accepting and knowledgable about transference. But of course, there is always a possiblilty that they are not trained or as knowledgeable as they need to be and certainly we do fear rejection. I really do want you to know that I get that. Heck, I still expereince that. I think that the connection you feel with your T is genuine enough that it will still be there no matter what you say to her. But of course, you need to know that you can trust that and you can't take my word for it. I don't expect you to. As for what you already know about your T do you really think she'd take anything away from you? Hurt you? Belittle you? In fact, she is probably suspecting that you have some sort of transference happening. I think it often has a bit of a pull on them if they are attuned to us well. (maybe)

I am sorry that i keep rambling, but I am really wanting to be supportive of you and not insisting that you do anything that you are not ready for. But I also hope to ease your fears a little bit. It takes tremendous courage to discuss this subject with our T. I certainly hope that I haven't given you any indication that I don't appreciate that.

And if I am not being too pushy,(please tell me if this is how I come across) but our relationships are often full of unsuccessful attempts to gain what we’ve never had but have always craved; love, a sense of belonging, acceptance, understanding, etc, and so it goes with our relationship with our T because we look to make it fit into a pattern that it doesn’t belong. We categorize it among all the failed relationships we’ve already experienced, and we give to it the same constringencies that we’ve come to expect: That it will fail too. She will leave me, she will reject me, I will get hurt all over again. Our consistent attempts to try to fit a square peg into a round circle teaches us that it doesn’t work. Instead of realizing our error that it doesn’t belong there in the first place and trust that there must exist a separate place for it, we’re more inclined to say “see, I knew it wouldn’t work.” But this relationship is where it is very different than anything else we know. There is a place for it.

I think you are doing well and if a little sanity is all you need, you are doing better than me!

JM

You have given me nothing but support here, and I do appreciate it. I know I need to address this issue if I am to move on with my growth.

Would it be alright to write a letter to T and mail it. Explaining how I am feeling. I do not see her for 2 weeks so this would give her time as well as to whether she still wants to continue with me.

You are right, I do not think she would leave me, or belittle me in any manner. That would be devastating to me as that is something that we are working on.

Any advice on this would be appreciated

Absolutely, write her a letter. Whether you send it or not, just write it and then decide what you want to do. This will at least get your feelings out in front of you and addressing her at the same time. I think that is a superb idea. (I wish I had thought of it.)

I realize how devastating it would be to have your T pull away from you. But I think she can contain all of your feelings better than you can imagine. But you have to be ready for this. I guess I would ask you if you feel that you can go on without telling her. In my experience I was miserable, noticably miserable and I could no longer contian my feelings and fears and I burst into tears when I finally muttered my gut wrenching confession. BTW: She was not surprised.

Kat,
I hope you don't mind my jumping into the middle of the conversation. I really agree with everything Just Me has been saying (very wise woman,that one). I just wanted to chime in on the email. I think its a great idea. There has been a time or two where I've wanted to discuss something with my T but couldn't bring it up (ok, I've since pretty much gotten over that ) that I actually emailed him what I wanted to say and asked him to bring it up next session. It has two advantages; it's not as scary for you and it will give your T time to think through her response so that she can be really supportive of you. And I really do understand the fear of being sent away (trust me I have an advanced degree in "My T will leave me, it's inevitable.") but therapy is the place where you are safe to express all your feelings no matter what they are. And as terrifying as it is to broach the subject, there's nothing quite like being on the other side of the conversation and realizing that not only were you not sent away but you were heard, understood and accepted for exactly who you are. Priceless.

AG

Hello everyone...I would like to say "Good Luck" to you, I think writing a letter is a good idea. I feel like I have a Master's degree in being rejected by their T!! Talk about devastating...It bout killed me ...but I have since written him a letter, and it has helped me tremendously...get my thoughts out in the open...But I'm not sure what he will think about it...I have often wondered how it would be different if I had not told him how I felt...Truthfully I believe way down deep inside...he felt the same way about me...so he no longer sees me for both our own good!!...I guess that was a good move on his part...But I still Love him!!!...but being here on this forum is the best thing you can do...AG and JM have some great things to share...(I think they are really T'S in disguise) Trust them...they will help you...talk to you all later, Charlotte

I'll chime in and share my confession experience too.

I had written a poem which I thought described the therapeutic relationship. I had decided to read it to my T one day in session. Well he took it in a more "romantic" way than I had intended. Even though I realized I had feelings for him I did not mean to convey them in the poem. In fact, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding my feelings even though they were torturing me.

Well, once I read the poem my T got very defensive. He did not want to discuss what I wrote other than telling me that he felt I was writing it to someone I cared about such as a "significant other". Then he totally changed the subject. He had never done that before he always allows me to direct the session. By this time I felt that he figured out that I had "transference" and he would send me away... terminate me. I spent an agonizing night preparing to have to say goodbye to him and hating myself for tipping him off to my feelings. Believing that once again... as soon as I admitted feelings for someone they would turn away from me and be repulsed by me.

I asked to see him the next evening. In the meantime I wrote an interpretation of what I was trying to convey in the poem. I went in and read it to him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to keep stopping because I was crying so hard. I figured this would be it .. I'd never see him again. It was like preparing myself for a death. But he was very good about it. When I was done reading he told me that it was "superlative". I guess he had time to think overnight and he brought up the fact that in therapy the relationship becomes very intimate and there is always a chance of transference and counter-transference developing. Then he admitted that he had very little experience in this and did not receive much training about it in school. This is a Ph.D. Psychologist. In fact, I knew more about erotic transference than he did!!! He has very few female adult patients in his practice. So I guess I'm his first... or at least the first that has been honest about her feelings.

We have had a few conversations about transference since that night. I have told him that my feelings range from parental to warm and affectionate... (I'm to cowardly to say the word love). I assured him that I need him to be my therapist more than I need him to be anything else for me and that I take therapy seriously. I also told him that I won't allow my feelings to impede our therapy but I won't be ashamed of them either. Then I gave him "In Session" to read.

Once he got used to the idea he has been wonderful. He has assured me and reassured me that he won't send me away. He has also recently told me that it would be my call when to end therapy. I feel closer and more secure with him and we have done some good work since this all happened in August.

So it didn't matter really that he had no experience and that he reacted defensively at first. It's what he has done since then that really counts. I can't predict how anyone's T will react to the transference confession but for me it worked out and despite his inexperience it's been okay. We are learning together and working through it. I just don't think I would have been able to continue with therapy if I had not told him how I felt. It would have always been that huge pink elephant in the room with us.

In the end... I do think writing a letter would be a good idea. As AG said... it would give your T time to digest the news and consider how she could best handle it. She may even want to consult with a supervisor or even do some reading about it to be better prepared.

Good luck and keep us posted.

True North