Went to therapy today, and it was weird. I think since I have been having these feelings for my therapist I have put myself in protective mood. It started last week at our session and since today I have pulled my emotions back, and my feelings. I go to therapy today and I have nothing to talk about because I just made myself shut down emotionally. It sort of hurts and scares me as I was just learning how to have emotions.
So today I go in not having lots to talk about, and not wanting to feel, and geeez I see her and notice how good she looks, and how she takes care of herself, and laughs with me. We end up starting with a forced conversation, and then it works it way around to something.....she is good. Anyways, I leave there having these feelings for her again and I don't like it. It makes me vulnerable and I do have emotional, and sexual feelings for her and I know that is transference, but I hate myself for having the feelings at the same time it is nice to feel love for someoone. I haven't felt that in a long time.
So here we go again.
quote:and geeez I see her and notice how good she looks, and how she takes care of herself, and laughs with me. We end up starting with a forced conversation, and then it works it way around to something.....she is good.
Hi Kat, (is it ok if I call you Kat?)
I understand where you are coming from on those feelings for your T. They can feel very obtrusive and yes they do make you feel so vulnerable. I hate vulnerable because it never has been a good experience for me, except for with my T. In therapy we learn that with our T it can be a very different experience, that they can hold our vulnerability and contain our emotions in such a way that eventually feels safe and from there we gain ability to explore and trust even deeper. But I agree it is scary sometimes.
It’s ok to feel the way you do for your T. I notice my T sometimes. She’s a very attractive woman and there are certain sessions that we tend to hit it off more than other times, as if we _could_ be friends under different circumstances and these are real moments of attunement that I cherish, but that sometimes spark the sexual desire because of the frustrating, but intrinsic boundaries. I too love how she takes good care of herself and she really inspires me. But I still get embarrassed by my feelings for her. It is awkward, even though she insists I don’t have to feel awkward. She is not judging me. She completely understands what it is and why I feel this way, and she welcomes my feelings very openly. The more I share, the more vulnerability I expose, the less shameful and fearful it becomes. It also helps to have very open and frank dialogue with my T no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.
Our relationship with our T is very intimate and within that intimacy it is natural to seek equitableness, which is what a sexual relationship implies. To be sexual with someone is a complete surrendering of both souls w/o boundaries, to be as important, and special and desirable to our partner as they are to us. This very intimate relationship where we are the complete focus of someone else’s attention naturally triggers feelings of transference, maternal and otherwise. We hate the feelings because they remind us of what we can’t have “physically” in the present and never could have “emotionally” in our past.
It is good that you are learning to love someone again. You really need that and I hope that you can continue to give that to yourself, because in therapy we are not only learning to love but to “be loved” in the truest and purest sense and thus to conquer those beliefs of being unlovable, unworthy, unimportant, and the gamut of lies we believed our entire lives. And I beleive that the final outcome of therapy is to finally love ourselves.
Until then I can sympathize with the pendulum of emotions that can range from a blushing junior high school crush (or the more adult strong erotic desires) to such a maternal pull that we want to grab our blanky and crawl upon their lap can be down right confusing. But it is ok. It really is.
Yeah, “Here we go again” you said a mouthful. That is exactly how I have been feeling!
JM
I understand what you are saying and thanks for the support. What makes this even more difficult is that my partner and I don't connect any more on that level.
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Our relationship with our T is very intimate and within that intimacy it is natural to seek equitableness, which is what a sexual relationship implies. To be sexual with someone is a complete surrendering of both souls w/o boundaries, to be as important, and special and desirable to our partner as they are to us.
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My partner and I don't have equitableness, so this relationship with T is very powerful for me. I must admit I am scared to talk to her about my feelings because that I am worried that I will scare her away. I surely don't want to do that, as we do have a connection.
I will have plenty of time to think about it as I do not see her for 2 weeks, could be a good thing or not, I guess we will see.
"just looking for a little sanity"
Kat
I understand what you are saying and thanks for the support. What makes this even more difficult is that my partner and I don't connect any more on that level.
____________________________________________
Our relationship with our T is very intimate and within that intimacy it is natural to seek equitableness, which is what a sexual relationship implies. To be sexual with someone is a complete surrendering of both souls w/o boundaries, to be as important, and special and desirable to our partner as they are to us.
________________________________________________
My partner and I don't have equitableness, so this relationship with T is very powerful for me. I must admit I am scared to talk to her about my feelings because that I am worried that I will scare her away. I surely don't want to do that, as we do have a connection.
I will have plenty of time to think about it as I do not see her for 2 weeks, could be a good thing or not, I guess we will see.
"just looking for a little sanity"
Kat
quote:I must admit I am scared to talk to her about my feelings because that I am worried that I will scare her away. I surely don't want to do that, as we do have a connection.
I understand that fear and I cannot guarantee what her reaction will be, but I can say that what I and many others have experienced is that a T who is worth the exuberant fee we pay is usually completely accepting and knowledgable about transference. But of course, there is always a possiblilty that they are not trained or as knowledgeable as they need to be and certainly we do fear rejection. I really do want you to know that I get that. Heck, I still expereince that. I think that the connection you feel with your T is genuine enough that it will still be there no matter what you say to her. But of course, you need to know that you can trust that and you can't take my word for it. I don't expect you to. As for what you already know about your T do you really think she'd take anything away from you? Hurt you? Belittle you? In fact, she is probably suspecting that you have some sort of transference happening. I think it often has a bit of a pull on them if they are attuned to us well. (maybe)
I am sorry that i keep rambling, but I am really wanting to be supportive of you and not insisting that you do anything that you are not ready for. But I also hope to ease your fears a little bit. It takes tremendous courage to discuss this subject with our T. I certainly hope that I haven't given you any indication that I don't appreciate that.
And if I am not being too pushy,(please tell me if this is how I come across) but our relationships are often full of unsuccessful attempts to gain what we’ve never had but have always craved; love, a sense of belonging, acceptance, understanding, etc, and so it goes with our relationship with our T because we look to make it fit into a pattern that it doesn’t belong. We categorize it among all the failed relationships we’ve already experienced, and we give to it the same constringencies that we’ve come to expect: That it will fail too. She will leave me, she will reject me, I will get hurt all over again. Our consistent attempts to try to fit a square peg into a round circle teaches us that it doesn’t work. Instead of realizing our error that it doesn’t belong there in the first place and trust that there must exist a separate place for it, we’re more inclined to say “see, I knew it wouldn’t work.” But this relationship is where it is very different than anything else we know. There is a place for it.
I think you are doing well and if a little sanity is all you need, you are doing better than me!
JM
You have given me nothing but support here, and I do appreciate it. I know I need to address this issue if I am to move on with my growth.
Would it be alright to write a letter to T and mail it. Explaining how I am feeling. I do not see her for 2 weeks so this would give her time as well as to whether she still wants to continue with me.
You are right, I do not think she would leave me, or belittle me in any manner. That would be devastating to me as that is something that we are working on.
Any advice on this would be appreciated
You have given me nothing but support here, and I do appreciate it. I know I need to address this issue if I am to move on with my growth.
Would it be alright to write a letter to T and mail it. Explaining how I am feeling. I do not see her for 2 weeks so this would give her time as well as to whether she still wants to continue with me.
You are right, I do not think she would leave me, or belittle me in any manner. That would be devastating to me as that is something that we are working on.
Any advice on this would be appreciated
Absolutely, write her a letter. Whether you send it or not, just write it and then decide what you want to do. This will at least get your feelings out in front of you and addressing her at the same time. I think that is a superb idea. (I wish I had thought of it.) 
I realize how devastating it would be to have your T pull away from you. But I think she can contain all of your feelings better than you can imagine. But you have to be ready for this. I guess I would ask you if you feel that you can go on without telling her. In my experience I was miserable, noticably miserable and I could no longer contian my feelings and fears and I burst into tears when I finally muttered my gut wrenching confession. BTW: She was not surprised.
I realize how devastating it would be to have your T pull away from you. But I think she can contain all of your feelings better than you can imagine. But you have to be ready for this. I guess I would ask you if you feel that you can go on without telling her. In my experience I was miserable, noticably miserable and I could no longer contian my feelings and fears and I burst into tears when I finally muttered my gut wrenching confession. BTW: She was not surprised.
Kat,
I hope you don't mind my jumping into the middle of the conversation. I really agree with everything Just Me has been saying (very wise woman,that one). I just wanted to chime in on the email. I think its a great idea. There has been a time or two where I've wanted to discuss something with my T but couldn't bring it up (ok, I've since pretty much gotten over that
) that I actually emailed him what I wanted to say and asked him to bring it up next session. It has two advantages; it's not as scary for you and it will give your T time to think through her response so that she can be really supportive of you. And I really do understand the fear of being sent away (trust me I have an advanced degree in "My T will leave me, it's inevitable.") but therapy is the place where you are safe to express all your feelings no matter what they are. And as terrifying as it is to broach the subject, there's nothing quite like being on the other side of the conversation and realizing that not only were you not sent away but you were heard, understood and accepted for exactly who you are. Priceless.
AG
I hope you don't mind my jumping into the middle of the conversation. I really agree with everything Just Me has been saying (very wise woman,that one). I just wanted to chime in on the email. I think its a great idea. There has been a time or two where I've wanted to discuss something with my T but couldn't bring it up (ok, I've since pretty much gotten over that
) that I actually emailed him what I wanted to say and asked him to bring it up next session. It has two advantages; it's not as scary for you and it will give your T time to think through her response so that she can be really supportive of you. And I really do understand the fear of being sent away (trust me I have an advanced degree in "My T will leave me, it's inevitable.") but therapy is the place where you are safe to express all your feelings no matter what they are. And as terrifying as it is to broach the subject, there's nothing quite like being on the other side of the conversation and realizing that not only were you not sent away but you were heard, understood and accepted for exactly who you are. Priceless.AG
Hello everyone...I would like to say "Good Luck" to you, I think writing a letter is a good idea. I feel like I have a Master's degree in being rejected by their T!! Talk about devastating...It bout killed me 
...but I have since written him a letter, and it has helped me tremendously...get my thoughts out in the open...But I'm not sure what he will think about it...I have often wondered how it would be different if I had not told him how I felt...Truthfully I believe way down deep inside...he felt the same way about me...so he no longer sees me for both our own good!!...I guess that was a good move on his part...But I still Love him!!!...but being here on this forum is the best thing you can do...AG and JM have some great things to share...(I think they are really T'S in disguise
) Trust them...they will help you...talk to you all later, Charlotte
...but I have since written him a letter, and it has helped me tremendously...get my thoughts out in the open...But I'm not sure what he will think about it...I have often wondered how it would be different if I had not told him how I felt...Truthfully I believe way down deep inside...he felt the same way about me...so he no longer sees me for both our own good!!...I guess that was a good move on his part...But I still Love him!!!...but being here on this forum is the best thing you can do...AG and JM have some great things to share...(I think they are really T'S in disguise) Trust them...they will help you...talk to you all later, Charlotte
I'll chime in and share my confession experience too.
I had written a poem which I thought described the therapeutic relationship. I had decided to read it to my T one day in session. Well he took it in a more "romantic" way than I had intended. Even though I realized I had feelings for him I did not mean to convey them in the poem. In fact, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding my feelings even though they were torturing me.
Well, once I read the poem my T got very defensive. He did not want to discuss what I wrote other than telling me that he felt I was writing it to someone I cared about such as a "significant other". Then he totally changed the subject. He had never done that before he always allows me to direct the session. By this time I felt that he figured out that I had "transference" and he would send me away... terminate me. I spent an agonizing night preparing to have to say goodbye to him and hating myself for tipping him off to my feelings. Believing that once again... as soon as I admitted feelings for someone they would turn away from me and be repulsed by me.
I asked to see him the next evening. In the meantime I wrote an interpretation of what I was trying to convey in the poem. I went in and read it to him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to keep stopping because I was crying so hard. I figured this would be it .. I'd never see him again. It was like preparing myself for a death. But he was very good about it. When I was done reading he told me that it was "superlative". I guess he had time to think overnight and he brought up the fact that in therapy the relationship becomes very intimate and there is always a chance of transference and counter-transference developing. Then he admitted that he had very little experience in this and did not receive much training about it in school. This is a Ph.D. Psychologist. In fact, I knew more about erotic transference than he did!!! He has very few female adult patients in his practice. So I guess I'm his first... or at least the first that has been honest about her feelings.
We have had a few conversations about transference since that night. I have told him that my feelings range from parental to warm and affectionate... (I'm to cowardly to say the word love). I assured him that I need him to be my therapist more than I need him to be anything else for me and that I take therapy seriously. I also told him that I won't allow my feelings to impede our therapy but I won't be ashamed of them either. Then I gave him "In Session" to read.
Once he got used to the idea he has been wonderful. He has assured me and reassured me that he won't send me away. He has also recently told me that it would be my call when to end therapy. I feel closer and more secure with him and we have done some good work since this all happened in August.
So it didn't matter really that he had no experience and that he reacted defensively at first. It's what he has done since then that really counts. I can't predict how anyone's T will react to the transference confession but for me it worked out and despite his inexperience it's been okay. We are learning together and working through it. I just don't think I would have been able to continue with therapy if I had not told him how I felt. It would have always been that huge pink elephant in the room with us.
In the end... I do think writing a letter would be a good idea. As AG said... it would give your T time to digest the news and consider how she could best handle it. She may even want to consult with a supervisor or even do some reading about it to be better prepared.
Good luck and keep us posted.
True North
I had written a poem which I thought described the therapeutic relationship. I had decided to read it to my T one day in session. Well he took it in a more "romantic" way than I had intended. Even though I realized I had feelings for him I did not mean to convey them in the poem. In fact, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding my feelings even though they were torturing me.
Well, once I read the poem my T got very defensive. He did not want to discuss what I wrote other than telling me that he felt I was writing it to someone I cared about such as a "significant other". Then he totally changed the subject. He had never done that before he always allows me to direct the session. By this time I felt that he figured out that I had "transference" and he would send me away... terminate me. I spent an agonizing night preparing to have to say goodbye to him and hating myself for tipping him off to my feelings. Believing that once again... as soon as I admitted feelings for someone they would turn away from me and be repulsed by me.
I asked to see him the next evening. In the meantime I wrote an interpretation of what I was trying to convey in the poem. I went in and read it to him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to keep stopping because I was crying so hard. I figured this would be it .. I'd never see him again. It was like preparing myself for a death. But he was very good about it. When I was done reading he told me that it was "superlative". I guess he had time to think overnight and he brought up the fact that in therapy the relationship becomes very intimate and there is always a chance of transference and counter-transference developing. Then he admitted that he had very little experience in this and did not receive much training about it in school. This is a Ph.D. Psychologist. In fact, I knew more about erotic transference than he did!!! He has very few female adult patients in his practice. So I guess I'm his first... or at least the first that has been honest about her feelings.
We have had a few conversations about transference since that night. I have told him that my feelings range from parental to warm and affectionate... (I'm to cowardly to say the word love). I assured him that I need him to be my therapist more than I need him to be anything else for me and that I take therapy seriously. I also told him that I won't allow my feelings to impede our therapy but I won't be ashamed of them either. Then I gave him "In Session" to read.
Once he got used to the idea he has been wonderful. He has assured me and reassured me that he won't send me away. He has also recently told me that it would be my call when to end therapy. I feel closer and more secure with him and we have done some good work since this all happened in August.
So it didn't matter really that he had no experience and that he reacted defensively at first. It's what he has done since then that really counts. I can't predict how anyone's T will react to the transference confession but for me it worked out and despite his inexperience it's been okay. We are learning together and working through it. I just don't think I would have been able to continue with therapy if I had not told him how I felt. It would have always been that huge pink elephant in the room with us.
In the end... I do think writing a letter would be a good idea. As AG said... it would give your T time to digest the news and consider how she could best handle it. She may even want to consult with a supervisor or even do some reading about it to be better prepared.
Good luck and keep us posted.
True North