need input/thoughts, please

Hi everyone...I feel badly posting as I haven't been around much. I've just been a pretty bad place, so I apologize for posting, but I could use some input. I little background...
In July, out of the blue, my T suggested I see a different T as she was leaving the orginization to go into her own private practice. Prior to her recommendation, she had indicated that she would be "taking me along" with her to her new practice. So, this was quite a shock when she told me this. I was angry, basically told her I hated her, among other things. She tried to give me the business card of another therapist, but I wouldn't take it. It felt like she just wanted to do her job...here's a referral, good luck with that, and goodbye. I did email her a few weeks after this and expressed my anger and feelings of abandonment. She did reply indicating that she would be willing to meet with me to discuss these feelings. When I called her to see what we could arrange, she then said she would meet with me in the presence/with the new therapist I was seeing. BTW, it is the therapist she recommended, as my Pdoc said she would discontinue medications if I didn't see a therapist. Pdoc is in the same practice as the first T. The new T I'm seeing didn't think that was such a great idea. Old T wanted to meet to inform and discuss all the progress I have made with her and "update" the new T - she wanted to share this with new T. Honestly, I just want to have some closure with old T.
I have seen new T about 4 times, and I guess it's going okay, but I know that I'm holding back, because I'm sure she's going to hurt me as well. I'm very factual with her, and have told her quite a bit about my past and history already, but I will not allow myself to connect with her. I will share facts, that's all - no feelings.
So, I have thought about contacting old T, but am hesitant, as it will bring up some pretty painful feelings. The adult part of me knows and understands the reason for the referral as she is not a trauma therapist. I can even appreciate that she got me to where I am today, and maybe I had "outgrown" her and needed more. I had been leaving our sessions feeling frustrated and like she didn't know what to do with me. In the few times I have seen new T, I have left feeling grounded and okay, but probably because there's no emotion involved on my part.
The 6 year old part of me, who had the temper tantrum in her office, still feels so abandoned. She feels disgusting and believes that this is why T dumped her. That she is a lost, hopeless cause.

Anyway, if you have gotten this far, I guess I need help in figuring out what to do next. I'm still hurt, but want closure. I'm afraid if I call her she'll say "no" and I will be hurt again. I'm feeling pretty powerless right now with the whole situation. I feel a bit forced to continue with therapy so I can continue the meds, but it's tiring, and I wonder why I put myself through this when, in the end, I'll likely be hurt again. Any thoughts would be appreciated...
LK

9/17/1212:41 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

quote:
The 6 year old part of me, who had the temper tantrum in her office, still feels so abandoned. She feels disgusting and believes that this is why T dumped her. That she is a lost, hopeless cause.

Hi LK... thanks for the update. This part above really stood out for me. I felt much the same way when I was abruptly abandoned by my oldT. The young child feels that way because she does not understand that it was not her fault and she didn't cause the termination to happen. It had nothing to do with her but with the incompetence and inability of your oldT to work with trauma. The six year old believes she is bad but this is not true... those are lies she has been told. She is just young and scared and needs protection. It's not your fault it was the lack of knowledge on oldT's part.

It is very hard to trust a new T after being abandoned/terminated. I am still struggling with this issue after two years with a VERY good and knowledgeable T who works with trauma and attachment issues. Each time I move closer to him the overwhelming fear and anxiety strikes and I think "OMG I'm not letting THIS happen again. I'm not gonna get close to anyone so they can hurt and abandon me." But you cannot heal if you don't learn to trust again. It's just a reallllly slooowww process and takes a lot of hard work and courage to keep going when it feels sometimes like you are going backwards.

My only advice is to keep going and keep working on the trust and the relationship. Little by little you will move forward and things will get better.

Keep up posted.
TN

9/17/129:11 PM

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born2writeMember

(((LK)))

I understand all about the 6yr old feeling abandoned and all alone, as well as all the self-blame, guilt and shame that goes along with that. I haven't even moved past that so in my eyes you have done well! (or maybe I am just pathetic - my termination happened Feb this year) I also went to a new T (well if you can call her that)and like you, I did the "fact" thing where you simply state the facts and distance yourself from any emotion and connection. Safer that way, but also pointless and deep down I knew that, so I have stopped going. I am alone now, but technically I was alone even when I was with newT because I didn't allow the connection and the simple reason behind all of it is that I have lost the ability to trust. I never trusted anyone before oldT - I never told a single soul, she was the first and only person I ever trusted. I don't know what to suggest to you because I don't know myself, so I think this is more a case of telling you that I understand where you are coming from. I understand the depth of your feelings, and I understand the need for closure. The temptation to contact your oldT must be truly overwhelming. I hate that you, me, and others have had to go through this, and I hope that whatever you decide works out well for you.

B2W

9/17/1211:24 PM

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LittlemeMember

Dear LK, hugs for you

I understand the bad feeling of being terminated by a T that you trust and love. My termination happened in December last year. It was a littlebit different because it was me who couldn´t do it anymore.

In September I felt that my T became absent and I started to feel terrible, didn´t know why. I could not eat, slept 2-3 hours a night and felt terrible all the time. I tried to talk about it to T, but she didn´t understand me. In December I was so exhausted I terminated with her and didn´t want to live anymore and had to be admitted to the hospital.

Now I know it was my inner child screaming because she was so terrified of the thought that T was going to leave her (she also said some things that hurt little me).

I´m with a new T now but he is just a temporary T (from March-Dec). He says it´s like I have put my feelings behind a glass wall. I can talk to him and tell him about my past and history, but even when I´m talking about some really bad things that have happened to me, I show no emotions. So I can really relate to when you say “I will share facts, that´s all – no feelings”
I think maybe if newT wasn´t leaving, the “feeling part” would come eventually, but I think it would take time… a lot of time.
It was hard for me to trust old T, and the fact that I had to terminate with her does not make it easier to trust a new T. You have just seen your new T 4 times, I think in time you might learn to trust him… but it takes time.

One thing I learned from my termination was that I should have listened to my inner child. The grown up part of me didn´t want to listen to the hurt child. The grownup part of me said things like; “You should understand” , “you are not crying over this thing” , “The things T said to you can not hurt you so much, that’s just nonsense.”

Now I´m trying to accept those feelings little me has. I say to myself “Yes Little me, you are hurt, you have the right to be hurt” “it´s ok to cry over old T, it´s ok to cry because she did hurt you” and I try to take care of that little me, sometimes I listen to lullabies with her at night when she feels bad and can not sleep.

LK, Be kind to your 6 year old, it was not her fault that T terminated her, there were other reasons. "Little six year old you are a lovely little girl, who is hurt right now, you have a right to be hurt"

9/18/124:55 AM

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