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8 replies

Need Some Understanding

T tasMember
Okay guys, I have hit another wall and need some help with this.

Let me explain a little. I am having a terrible time with boundaries in therapy. I do not understand this.

Let me put some context to how I am in 'normal' life. I have a business. I deal with clients and see them at scheduled times, etc. They are not a part of my life outside of the work I do for them. They do not call me other than for the service I provide and I do not call them to go hang out for coffee. I have many clients and although I have come to care for them through the years, I would not consider them friends, per se.

This is what I am not understanding. I totally get these boundaries but yet when it comes to the Therapy/Therapist I have not been willing to abide by the boundaries. I do not understand WHY. If I look at how I deal with people, I would say I respect people's boundaries...but then, on the other hand, this is exactly why I do not get close to people...because things seem to get confusing for me and it's as if I want them in my life ALL THE TIME.

The last couple of weeks have been stressful due to EMDR and I called the Therapist this week because I was struggling and asked for an extra appt. on Saturday. He said he could not see me on Saturday. I called back and asked him if he couldn't see me on Saturday because he didn't have an opening or because he had stated my appt. was on Wednesday and he wouldn't see me on Saturday.

He did not reply. I called him Friday and asked him to call me. He did. The conversation went like this:

Me: "Did you get my message?"

T: "Yes."

Me: "I am just trying to understand-"

T: (He interrupts) "The time to understand
is Wednesday."

Me: (Shocked) (Silence)

T: "Are you going to say anything?"

Me: (Trying not to cry) "There is nothing to
say."

T: "See you Wednesday at 2 p.m."

I hung up and started crying. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to even talk to me unless it is during an appt. on Wednesday. I texted him, "YOU ARE SO MEAN TO ME."

He said the no contact is part of my treatment plan and I am truly trying to be respectful and follow what he is asking me to do.

I can't balance how someone can care for only 50 minutes a week.

I don't want to hear what the Therapist needs to do differently...I need to hear what it is I need to do differently.

My feelings are hurt and I don't want to see him this coming week. My abandonment issues, attachment issues are being touched on and I need to know how to deal with this and grow through this.

I feel bad because he has said no phone calls, no texting and no Saturday appointments. I feel bad because I can't seem to abide by these boundaries.

I go a couple of weeks with no contact and then it's as if I have a flare up.

Thank you for any advice. Please, I can handle hard words. I just need to know how to get through this. I don't even know if I can face him Wednesday because it's as if I have cut him off. I know I need to work through this.

I am not a bad person. I am not a stalker. Sure, I have attachment issues and abandonment issues not to mention severe childhood trauma but I am not a person who doesn't respect others. This is what is baffling me. I can't seem to do with the Therapist what I do with my own clients, etc.

Help me, please. Perspective, please.

T.
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lucylucyMember
I don't know your whole story cuz I'm new here - so if I'm way of the mark I apologize in advance.
But I'm thinking that perhaps you're having difficulties with your t and not youre clients regarding boundaries is because with him you've allowed yourself to be vulnerable - and with you're clients you have on a different hat so to speak. You're not as open and raw and vulnerable with them. You're t though knows you on a deeper level.

quote:
I can't seem to do with the Therapist what I do with my own clients, etc.

because the work you do with them isn't on the same emotional level as with your t

And you're right you're not a bad person. you're hurting, you're struggling.
but hes doing what he needs to do to help you work through you're abandonment/attachment issues. but that doesn't mean he's only caring in those 50 min - he's caring all the other min too by giving you this opportunity to grow and learn - even though it's hard....
jonesjonesMember
Tas, I think you are very much on the right track already. You have got to the point where you know that this is an issue inside you that you want to deal with - rather than it being his problem. That's one of the hardest parts. And then what else can you do but feel your pain? It's the only way forward.

When we run away from our pain it never diminishes- it just stays locked up. But when we fully feel our real feelings and give them space and time, the energy in them will very often dissipate - sooner or later. And we may still hurt, but we grow familiar with the feelings, and they don't scare us any more. We stop adding pain to our pain by blaming ourselves, others, self-medicating, boundary-pushing, running away, etc. We learn how to care for ourselves when we're hurting. And so the whole experience gets much easier. But not because pain vanishes. The fact of pain we just have to accept.
E ericaMember
I think Jones is really wise in what she wrote. What do you/can you do now? Feel the pain. I think that is the way out, as Jones said. I experienced tough negative transference with my T for the last year. Just in the last weeks, it has started to get better and I can actually see my T again. But to get through it, I felt it. I talked about it with my T (not soon enough though...turns out, when I actually started really talking to her about my feelings, they started to get better). When words were too hard to speak, I wrote her a letter and gave it to her in session.

I think that's the key. This stuff is painful. Excruciating actually. But we just have to keep feeling it and most importantly, talk about it with our Ts. Talk it to death. So many times, I felt like a broken record. I don't think there's anything else that can be done...any other way of working through this. My T has often told me I need to be in it, go through it to get to the other side. But she says that she's with me. It's taken me 3 years to believe that, that she is there and does care. I think your T is steady. Right or wrong, he has his boundaries and he is your T...so you have to accept them. BUT just because you ultimately accept them, doesn't mean you can't talk about how they make you feel. TELL him. FEEL the feelings. No avoiding. This is your therapy! And when you're ready, talk about the feelings from the past that are being stirred up. He is with you, walking through them with you. I think this may be the only way for you to get past this....to go through it.
E emeMember
TAS))))I'm really sorry that you are in such pain. Boundary issues are so painful, but I agree that you have to "feel the pain" in order to figure out how to survive with that pain, and what to do with that pain. When you're in this pain and feeling it, I'm sure its like being up against a brick wall and there is "one choice" if you want to get better, and that is to accept the boundaries, and feel the boundaries, and be sure that your T is doing and saying what he is, because he "CARES A LOT ABOUT YOU". Since I also had childhood trauma, abandonment, and attachment issues, I feel strongly that your T really has you in his best interest, and as difficult as this is, he knows this is the best way to help you get through this. Please let us know how you are doing, we care! Hug two
L lieseMember
((((TAS))))

What I find so hard about all this stuff myself is that it's very hard to actually "see" that the pain will help in some way. It's confusing. I can't always connect a with b because I can't "see' my feelings and what they mean.

I've had to, as others have said, learn to live with the pain. I've learned to own it, not always successfully. But when other people don't rush to fix it, and there is no where else for the pain to go, it has to be mine.

It's really hard and at least you are trying. It's much easier to keep people at a distance than to let them in. That's when a lot of people have a hard time.
T tasMember
Lucy: You are absolutely right about not being on the same emotional level with my clients. I am trying to figure out how him not letting me have contact is helping me with abandonment/attachment issues.

On one hand...it makes me stronger...on the other...I feel weaker without being able to contact him.

I will get through this. It is just grueling at the moment. Thank you for your kind-hearted reply.


SP: Thank you for the hug. Definitely appreciated Smiler


Jones: I hope the pain diminishes. I often add to the pain by blaming, etc. and it just prolongs it as well. I, like most, want to not feel the pain, but I know it is necessary.

Smiler Thank you for replying. I need to stop running from the pain and just accept it.


Erica: You are right. I know I need to talk to him about it...I am just so embarrassed. I know I need to, but I feel he doesn't want me. That is so strong and I am so shocked he cut me off the way he did in the conversation. I know he is being firm.

I will talk to him, I just need to work up the courage. Right now, I am having a hard time understanding how he only wants me 50 minutes and none of the rest of the week.

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate your encouragement and sharing your experience with me.

Smiler


Eme: I do feel as if I am against a brick wall...and it's as if there is no way around this. I have to deal with this, in the context of the therapeutic relationship. This is not easy and I just want to give up, but I am not going to. Thank you for replying. I know he cares, I just can't feel the caring right now.

Smiler


Liese: You are right. It is much easier to keep people at a distance...and I think I do because I don't have to deal with attachment/abandonment on a vulnerable level. I do not get close to people because of this very reason.

I hope the pain will diminish and I can eventually become a whole person on the inside.

Thank you for taking time to reply. Smiler My hope is it gets better with time. I hope you are doing well.


Thank you to each of you who replied. I have every intention of taking each of your replies and applying them to this situation. Thank you for helping me and giving me some perspective on this situation.

T.
jillannjillannMember
Hi TAS,

Sorry I'm a little late to this thread. I don't think there is anything wrong with you identifying that you have a need and reaching out to fill thAt need. If you and T have an agreement that he won't meet your needs except for one session a week then how else can you get them met. I know you have had a few consults with other T's. Can you work with your T to identify how else you can get your needs for connection met without T?

Thinking of you in this struggle.

Jillann
T tasMember
Jillann: Thank you Smiler I will need to talk to him about those things you mentioned...it's just having the guts to do it instead of walking away.

The biggest part for me I am having trouble reconciling is how he can only be there for me 50 minutes a week...and no more. That is really tough, especially with my background.

SmilerThank you for replying. I hope you are well Smiler

T.

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