SP, the problem is that I KNOW I can trust her. She is different then all the other T's I've seen over 10 years or so. She has done nothing but show me over and over that I can trust her, and I do. But I can't get past these fears.

Fear of eye contact with her, fear of crying in front of her, fear of opening up. I started feeling body memories the last month and I'm terrified of telling her about it, instead I stuff it down and dissociate or numb out.

I really need to find something to try to help with the eye contact and learning to connect with her more.

Okay, I can't believe I finally have a bit of an answer to this one! I have seen my T for 1.5 yrs now and she is the greatest T I have ever had, but until a few appointments ago, I didn't really trust her enough to talk. I e-mailed her for all those months, so she got to know me indirectly, and then I finally started to challenge myself. I thought about what was the biggest struggle for me. The first was making eye contact when she gave me a complement about my personality - so I made it a point to work my way to that; the first step was simply finding the courage to tell her I wanted to start each session by trying to think of some way things are going well for me or I am improving. I'm a big supporter of positive psychology.

The biggest transition actually just happened - I thought of the most terrifying but pertinent words I wanted to say. And, I don't mean stories or memories. Just words. For instance, saying I feared vulnerability or intimacy, or saying that something was embarrassing. Those are words I just never have been able to voice. So, I worked them into the conversations, and these little changes are working.

I completely get what you are saying about knowing you can trust her and not trusting her. What it really was for me was not trusting myself and being afraid to just be myself. And, as simplistic as it sounds, it has become a matter of reminding myself before each appointment of one challenge that I am going to bring so that I can just say something that is true to me and still so terrifying to me.

Maybe that doesn't help so much, and sometimes crying in a therapy office just isn't something that happens. Actually, crying gets in the way of my mental processing, so I'm somewhat thankful that my time in her office isn't filled with tears. I do hope, though, that you can find your way to being present during a session. It is so very rewarding when it happens!!!

FMW, I've had a few sessions since I started therapy with my T that I have managed to stay present the entire time and it does feel like a huge accomplishment. It is also the sessions that I wish I had the courage to say or talk about something but didn't.

My T and I aren't even touching my traumas right now, past or recent. She wants me to learn how to be present first before we go there. I respect that, and I respect her for knowing that this is the right thing to do with me. I haven't had a T before that spent so much time working on grounding and remaining present with me. I'm used to T's pushing me until I break.

For me crying is a huge release when I allow it to happen. For me crying is allowing myself to be vulnerable and I'm terrified to let that happen.

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I completely get what you are saying about knowing you can trust her and not trusting her. What it really was for me was not trusting myself and being afraid to just be myself.

I never thought of it like that before. Maybe that's more of the case with me too, I don't trust myself...

I can to relate to many of the things you've mention. Time is really a big factor as I'm sure you probably know.
Having a therapist that is attuned and aware when you dissociate does help. It makes you feel you're not going it alone.
It sounds like you're on the right track and you'll find your way through this eventually.
For me, feeling safe was a done deal. Gradually take little risk by sharing something and feeling and experience that it was safe.