(((AG)))

I'm really sorry you're struggling with this, but you're so brave for facing your body issues. I'm still terrified of talking anything about that with my T, even though it's a huge problem I have with myself. It's a very, very scary thing to do! I know my weight issues are also tied to past stuff, and I also stay very, very isolated about it. I have nothing of any use to offer, just hugs and support and a kind ear to listen to what's going on for you. I'm glad you came here and let us know what was going on.

(((Kashley))) That's EXACTLY what I needed, thank you. And don't feel bad about not being ready, it only took me 25 years. I am seriously slow.

AG
You are definitely not alone, and good for you for aiming at this issue head on. My ED experiences as a teen were at a time of complete isolation and neglect, so no one knew for years. Today I still have issues but I'm open about it and talk to people without the shame. Wish I could say more to help right now, but I'm on my way in to see my nutritionist

Quell

Hey AG,

I just wanted to say that, even when you are here posting for help and support, I actually find you inspiring and supportive towards me. You are amazing.

I know that so many of us must have this connection. It's all so complicated - food, love, safety, control, abuse, and then the simple (well, simple now that you are explaining it to me!) reality of being inside of our bodies.

It makes such sense that as we focus on our true feelings, as we become more aware, as we become present in our bodies, that the shapes of our bodies, the way we care for our body (with food, and exercise), other people's attitudes towards our body (both as children as also now) can get all blurred together.

I know this. I've been taught to be ashamed of my body. I have learned that being in my body doesn't feel good, doesn't feel safe. I've been taught that I am not worthy of love and safety, and that was directed AT my body, and I experience the truth of that IN my body. I know that I swing from seeking, seeking, seeking comfort for this body to loathing this body. I know that I often want to escape this body. I know my body is a miracle that keeps me alive, that has created and born my children. I know that my body is a gift. I know that it's sovereign to me - it is MINE. I know that I can care for it, attend to it, protect it, and trust it.

I wish I had more to give you -

I'm thinking of you!

AG,

I can also relate to the incredible difficulty talking about the issues relating to weight, body size, shame, etc. I have many of the same problems you describe. I was referred to my T four years ago by my weight loss doctor to talk about the difficulties I had following a healthy lifestyle. Four years in therapy and we never talk about food, weight, body image. In the first six months of therapy I lost 50 lbs (I am probably about 120lbs overweight). It was never mentioned by either of us except once when I was telling a story and I reported that someone who hadn't seen me in a while commented on my weight loss. I stopped losing weight and stayed the same for the next 6-9 months then slowly I started regaining the weight. Right now I'm about 5 lbs less than when I started therapy. I still haven't talked about it in therapy.

I also know that it is related to the CSA from my childhood. . About 14 months ago a man in a car asked me for directions and when I moved closer to the car he had his pants around his ankles. I was shocked because it was the middle of the day within site of a police car. I was telling the story like it was a joke for people and by accident I blurted out that the man should have better taste. That lead to a realization that I feel safer because I'm overweight and unattractive. I did talk about that realization very briefly with my T and then avoided the topic since. One of the things that I find most frustrating is that even though I understand some of the reasons for my weight it hasn't helped me lose weight at all.

((((AG)))) whatever the issue may be, you'll never be alone - you are so valued and loved by so many of this forum family!

Be gentle with yourself ((((AG))))

Hi AG,
A suggestion from the health educator from a program I was in is what got me into therapy in the first place so I get the body issue stuff. I couldn't seem to do it right. I am too stuck in my head currently to even attempt it again. My goal was 100 lbs. and at one point made it to 62 lost but am currently at 40.

This issue I have only brought up briefly about three times...it seems to go by the wayside. The health educator I wrote to her the other day to let her know how I was doing with the therapy she suggested (that was a good day...few of those lately) but she replied that you have to get at the issues in order to be successful.

I totally get the body image feelings. Let us know how it goes.

;s
Hopeful

(((AG)))

The weight issue is a tough one. I'm an emotional eater. You are far from alone here. In the past year and a half, I've lost 50 pounds and have about 30 more to go. I've only been able to lose the weight since I drew a line in the sand re: sex with my H. I just can't engage in that activity right now and his acceptance has given me the room to lose weight. It hasn't been easy. I struggle with all sorts of feelings all the time, feelings I don't know how to handle. I haven't talked to my T about it either other than the exercising that I do.

Oddly enough, I had three men come onto me when I was heavier and no one has since I lost weight. What is that about? Did they just assume that I have low self-esteem and would be an easy target?

((((AG)))) As the others have said, you are absolutely not alone and very brave to face it. I don't think my T even knows how hard it is for me that he sees me and if I could do therapy behind some sort of screen to not ever be seen, I would give up everything else and do it in a moment.

***Triggers for body image and CSA***
I spent much of my childhood and early teens hating my body for being female. Betrayal seems the right word for it. As long as I could manage to pull it off, I presented it as male. As in, on Facebook, my younger sisters commented on a photo of me asking, "Who is that boy?" I was 13 and had breasts since 4th or 5th grade, but had huge baggy tshirts, shorts, tennis shoes and caps. I didn't remember the CSA at the time, except fragments that now make sense in context of it. My experience of near statuatory rape by a much older boyfriend at 16 immediately preceeded a period of weightloss so extreme that several friends expressed concern I had an ED. I went from in shape to gaunt very quickly. I never realized to connection, but it was a period of again punishing my body, hating it for being something anybody would want enough to overlook what I had said I wanted and needed. Once I met H and we began having sex on a regular basis, my weight ballooned from in perfect shape to dozens of pounds overweight. While we were trying to conceive it ballooned yet again. I'm sure his condition didn't help matters. After a traumatic incident interfered with our intimacy for a while, I found myself able to exercise, eat right, lose weight...for a while...until taking on therapy and then the very idea of being vulnerable to another man (albeit nonsexually) sent it right back up again. All because some peoples' actions years earlier taught me to believe in the (lie of) the fundamental wrongness of my body. This includes a female family member who had at least an uncomforable, if not inappropriate, obsession with my puberty experiences, very focused on when and how things were changing in a way that made me tell no one at all for years when I got my period, like it would out my body for what it really was (as if I otbherwised had managed to keep the secret).

I am now about 6-8 sizes and 60-70 pounds overweight. I hate how it looks and feels, but when I think of getting back into shape, looking healthy again, I'm petrified. I can't even where shorts or capris without creepy church guy noticing my legs (which still look in shape). I can't imagine what it would be like to be whistled at like and hit on like when I was a kid, because I always looked so much older. I hate what it feels like to recognize my own body. Being in it is terrifying, and internal kids especially hate it. They have memories of trying so bad to get out of it. I have memories of waking up imagining what was happening was some sort of work I was doing, some sort of quota to be filled. Today, I discovered I don't even do comfort on a physical level, because trying to allow it brings up so much pain, I dissociate hard, fast and indiscrimnantly. It is amazingly brave for you to face this at all and especially to let your T into what it means to face it.

(((AG)))

You are definitely not alone! We are here for you and I can also relate to body image problems, but I did the opposite as a teenager. I starved myself so badly that I ended up in the hospital multiple times.

Looking back, I was probably trying to prevent my body from developing, because that didn't feel safe to me.

I still struggle with emotional eating issues, but haven't ever really thought of bringing it up in therapy. It does seem awkward talking to a man about this. I'm glad you posted about your experience because I am currently facing a great deal of shame and I know I have to be careful not to turn it inward and be self-destructive, such as giving in to my sugar obsession!


Summer

(((AG))) Our relationship with our own bodies is one of the most amazing things to work on - and do hard. I've felt like my body has betrayed me too. The truth is it has a wisdom that does not judge and even though (like you said) "listening to the body" sounds kind of cheesy it really is the best thing you can do for anything. In my body work I've learned a lot of emotional regulation by just listening to what my body is saying. Once you know how to listen and be consistent (sound familiar?) to build trust with it the ED stuff is easier.

I've used my body for punishment and protection also and I commend you for working on it so directly and connecting it to so much of your past - that's one of the things I avoid a LOT. So glad you reached out for support

Hey AG... while I think you are very courageous to bring this topic up with your T, I am not all that shocked, truthfully... I believed that you would get here eventually. You just had to work out a bunch of other stuff first. I am very proud of you for tackling this really sensitive and shame laden issue.

As you have figured out from all the responses you have gotten so far, you are definitely not alone in this. I am currently about 70 pounds overweight. What makes this even more difficult is that I had lost almost 35 pounds when I was sick with my gall bladder and still seeing oldT. I was really feeling good and in control in those days before being abandoned by oldT. And since his abandonment I gained all the weight back and am struggling. I hate that my current T saw me initially as a much thinner person and he can see the unpleasent change in me... I now look so different. Because of this I tend to leave my body when I'm in therapy because to have any attention drawn to it really freaks me out. Also probably why I am so attached to having my blanket... so I can cover myself up thinking T cannot see me if I do.

My eating and weight issues began in babyhood when as an infant I stopped taking the bottle and when mom tried to feed me I would not open my mouth or would stick out my tongue. Not sure why this happened. I do know from family stories that mom would scream and yell and bang on the table in those days with frustration at trying to feed me. I'm sure that did not faciliate any attachment or trust. I do think I may have had some unrecognized sensory issues around food. To this day there are certain foods I cannot eat or smell without gagging.

As a young child I was force fed those foods I still cannot tolerate and threatened with the wooden spoon or worse if I did not swallow or if I gagged. So many times I ate in a terrified state.

Adding other abuse to this and I just did not want to acknowledge that I had a body. If my body registers any kind of feelings, or pain or discomfort it begins to panic me. I have gotten better at hiding it but it still happens. I think this may be why I have such an aversion to meds... they change the way your body feels and that is so terrifying to me.

Later on certain foods became comfort to me when I could find it no where else. And so I began to eat I think to regulate my emotional state. Like most people I crave carbs when I am sad, or upset or in pain. I also crave chocolate. In the past year and a half I know that the depression caused by oldT was mostly responsible for the weight gain. I would love to try to discuss some of this with my T but at this point I cannot even acknowledge that there is a part of me aside from my head! My wonderful T is also a bit on the pudgey side himself and so I'm not sure how I would feel or how he would handle this type of discussion.

I am following your journey with interest hoping I can eventually get to a place where I can have this conversation with my T. I don't have any magic advice but I'm here and I'm supporting you and listening to you. I know you are struggling and I'm sorry about that. I wish there was an easier way to slay those demons.

Sending hugs
TN (who is terribly jet-lagged still and hopes this makes some sense)

I will respond more thoughtfully tomorrow, we've been out all evening and I'm drooping, but I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone for their replies. I definitely no longer feel alone. Thank you all for taking the time and sharing from your experience. It really helps to know that I am not the only one struggling with this and the outpouring of care means more than I can say. You are just an incredible group of people.

to all

love, AG

Hello, Aglet! I'm impressed, what can I say? That's a really tough one, i can't imagine even being able to go there! I'm not sure about it all, I know I hate my body and have no idea what it means to "be in it" but I want to commend you. I guess I'm not at that stage, to be brave enough to talk to someone about how cruddy my body feels to me, and want to change...I think you are brave, and so, so...well. brave.
What I have a hard time with is thinking that if I could ever just get thin enough, then I would be lovable...then I would be worthy of care. It seems impossible...yarg.
My little boy has an ED. He was gavage fed, and then I had to force feed him bottles to keep him from FTT status, and I was paranoid and the nurses told me to do it, and he was too weak to suck...and I'm so guilty. I did so wrong by him when I was depressed, and now he won't eat, and has multiple severe allergies. It is so hard to see the difficulty and pain I've caused him. I hope for healing from eating problems for all of you, and for my little boy, and for me too! Eating is something that has always felt "wrong" to me, but I do too much of it!

Well others were brave, I hope I can leave this up for a little while!

Love,

Beebs

AG,

I just want to say that you are incredibly brave for tackling this now, I can imagine that it will ake a great deal of courage on your behalf. I am so pleased that you have your wonderful, stready T to help and walk alongside you.

Please know that we are all rooting for you every step of the way.

starfishy

Oh AG, you are so not alone! Far from it, as shown by the amount of people commenting here.

quote:

We were discussing how much I can hate my body, that it feels like it betrayed me and how long I have spent staying out of it... But trusting my body can feel like an idiotic and dangerous thing to do).

I hate to quote just this snippet from your post, because I can relate to so much of it, but this exact thing that I quoted? If I didn't know you lived in a different state, I'd have thought you were eavesdropping on my last therapy session.

As someone else said - even when you post here for support, you are supporting a whole heck of a lot of us in the process. Such is the power of this site - we help each other through sharing our struggles and triumphs, reaching out or reaching in.

Kashley,
Thank you for the hugs and support, I really just needed to know that I could be heard and that people cared (something this thread has proven in spades! ) I'm sorry that you also find it isolating although I really understand. And please trust me that when I said it took 25 years I meant that literally. It's no coincidence that I recently have felt like I've moved to a deeper level of trust and security with my T. That unconscious process that decides when I'm ready to face an issue has decided now. At one point during my session, my T told me that he knew how painful and difficult this was, and to my surprise I told him, yes it was, but I trusted him and I'm stronger than I was. Healing really does build on itself.

Quell,
Telling me that you can talk about this topic now without shame is plenty to say. Gives me hope that talking through the shame will break it. Thank you. Hope your visit to the nutritionist went well.

BG,
Thank you, I think I'm getting that I"m not alone, which is such a gift. Thanks for the reminder that this is hard stuff, so it makes sense it would be hard. It's amazing how difficult that can be to remember.

CTL,
Sorry you understand so well but thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry you were treated that way about food, so much of it was brutal and abusive. What I actually find fascinating about this is that we are reacting in such a similar manner because part of my emotional tie-in with food is actually that most, if not all, of my good childhood memories involve food. I think that even when I was very young, it became something safe to turn to. I hope that you can be gentle and compassionate with yourself and know that you deserve a full life no matter what you weigh. (SO much easier to see when looking at you and not me. )



Draggers,
I'm really glad that my asking for support is helpful for other people, it really is the strength of our community. funny how it's hard to remember when you're the one asking for support. I appreciate everyone being so gracious and kind. And knowing you care means the world, it is NOT a small thing.

MMM,
Thank you for the kind words. I really appreciated your description of all your understandings about your body, especially the more positive ones. They are truths I often forget to own. I really resonated with what you said about creating and bearing your children. My two pregnancies are the only time I can ever remember being proud of my body. I am still grateful for that. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Incognito,
I spent a lot of years in therapy NOT talking about my weight or food or my body. My best understanding right now is that I am really hitting the heart of my issues and it took time to get here and build up the skills and strengths necessary to actually face this. Long term childhood abuse really is difficult and very time consuming to heal from. I have literally been going for at least half of my adult life (and have given up on ever being "done" ). And thanks for mentioning the weight loss, at one point a few years back I actually lost 60 lbs and it was NEVER mentioned until I brought up my anxiety about my body changing. Of course, my T is consistent, in all the time we've worked together, he has commented on my appearance only twice. Which is sometimes maddening and sometimes very comforting. I think I'm really getting that my appearance and/or weight have NOTHING to do with his care for me. I also understand the frustration, one of the things that we discussed was that I know what I need to do to lose weight but I'm not doing it, so not losing weight is serving some purpose for me. We need to figure out what is blocking me.

It was heartbreaking to read about your reaction being that the man in the car had bad taste. I TOTALLY understood it (if I was talking about me) but KNOW as a certainty that you should not nor do you deserve to feel that way.



(((Morgs))) You are the queen of reassurance, my dear, thank you! I hope you're being gentle with yourself too.


Hopeful,
See my reply to Incognito. That's what we're trying to do, get to the underlying issue to understand my behavior, so I have a hope of changing it. Thanks for the encouragement.

Yaku,
Thanks, I found what you shared really interesting, because I think we went about achieving the same end through different methods. You worked really hard to hide your body, while I have gone to great lengths to distort mine so it wasn't attractive. One of the weird things about this is that being overweight is both protection and punishment. I've actually told my T that I deserve to look like this, but I also get that it was about not being able to handle anyone actually desiring me. Long term abuse and it's lack of boundaries really seems to form a complex mix of things that should never have been associated.

Summer,
I'm sorry about starving yourself. I know that either end of the spectrum is damaging and difficult to deal with. I must admit that it can feel awkward talking about it, especially as my T is in very good shape and very active, so I really worry that being honest about my habits, or lack thereof, are really going to lead to his judging me. But I'm not picking up on any of that. I also do not underestimate that the reason some of these feelings are manifesting is BECAUSE he is male and I feel attracted. He makes it much easier to talk about the scary stuff than anyone I've ever known. I have a truly safe place, and am finally able to feel that and that makes a lot of difference. '

And as to your sugar obsession, I think at times I have confused it for a food group.

((((Cat))) I know you get this. I really appreciate the affirmation about trusting my body, as I know you have done a lot more body work than I have. If you could just keep repeating that to me, I'd appreciate it. It really helps that you tied it to emotional regulation as so much of my work in that area has centered on getting out of my head and down into my body. Thank you.

TN,
Should have known you see this coming. Thank you for your belief in me, it means so much. Thank you for sharing about your own struggles. I wonder if thwarting your mother about food was a way to at least get her to pay attention? It may not have been positive but she was at least engaged. Since our deepest fears revolve around isolation and abandonment, even as a small child, this could have a creative solution to keeping your mother's attention focused. I am sorry that it was necessary and that it carried a life long cost. And I've tried the blanket thing and the closing my eyes things, to which my T has quite helpfully asked me "you do know I can still see you, right?" Sometimes I really am amazed at the fact that I have yet to throw anything at that man.

BEEBS!!!!! Always wonderful to hear from you, thanks so much for responding.

quote:

What I have a hard time with is thinking that if I could ever just get thin enough, then I would be lovable...then I would be worthy of care.

This really hit me Beebs as one of the fantasies that I know I hang on to is that if I can just get thin, then life would be perfect right? I actually said that to my T and then said I realize how ridiculous that is, since last I checked, thin people have problems too. I think I place too much emphasis on my physical appearance which is ironic as I am also really uncomfortable with wanting to be physically attractive, let alone achieving it.

I'm sorry about your little boy Beebs, but I think you carry too much guilt. You were trusting the experts around you that you were doing what was necessary to take care of your son. Provide the compassion for yourself that you so frequently offer to the rest of us. your Aglet

Starfishy,
Thank you for being such a constant source of support and encouragement. What can't I do with the belief of people like you to hold me up?


R2G,
Thank you so much for how open you've been about your struggles in this area. It's part of how I found the courage to speak up and deal directly with the problem. SO sorry, you understood exactly what I meant (and no eavesdropping ) but comforted to know I'm not the only one. And you are so right about the power of this site.

Thank you all again, I cannot tell you how much this has all helped me. You guys are the best!!

to everyone.

love, AG

(((AG))) Good for you for having the nerve to approach this issue with your T. As of yet I haven't brought up my past history of ED, much less my current struggles. Weight has been nearly a lifelong issue for me as well. I misuse and abuse food (and in turn, my body) in the same way I misuse and abuse alcohol. For comfort, to avoid issues, to mask pain, to punish, to escape...

Judging by the popularity of this thread and all the great, honest comments, I guess we can all realize we're not even close to being alone in dealing (or avoiding) these problems. Thanks for starting it.

Keep us posted, AG! I'll be cheering for you while I keep trying to find the guts to talk to my T as well.

I’m late to this thread, but you are definitely not alone, AG. I am truly in awe that you are brave enough to really delve into this with your T. Clearly by the responses you've received, this is an issue that affects many of us here, even though we rarely talk about it. The topic for me is so completely shame-filled- I have never once mentioned my weight to my T and I would probably dissociate immediately if he brought it up, even I think I do actually want to talk about it.

I have been “fat” all my life. I put it in quotes because as a child I was made to believe that I was horribly, grossly overweight, and yet when I look back at pictures now, I see a little kid who wasn’t even all that chubby. Maybe an extra 5 pounds, tops. But every single time I would see my grandmother, she would have a “talk” with me about my weight, and tell me that I needed to lose weight or no boy would ever want me. Once, when I was about 8, she told me that she had put some money aside for me to go to an intensive weight-loss program.

As I became a teenager, I actually did gain weight, and by the time I was in college I was about 50 pounds overweight. When I was 20, I had an “incident” with a man in Greece, who at one point told me “You are my fantasy.” That one statement made me so incredibly furious. I didn’t understand why it made me so mad then, but looking back now, I can see the relationship between the CSA by my father and the weight gain as a way to protect myself from other men. I felt horribly betrayed by my body when it wasn’t enough to protect me from the man in Greece. After that, I gained even more weight, and spent the next ten years or so about 150 pounds overweight.

Last year, I started losing weight for the very first time in my life. I had lost about 50 pounds by last Christmas, when my father came to visit. And one night when he was drunk and I was alone with him (which I try never to be) he mentioned my weight loss and tried to touch me. And now I’ve gained all the weight back. I feel like I have been eating out of control since then, and I didn’t know why I was suddenly feeling like I needed to eat. And I’ve just now put it together with what my father did and said at Christmas.

And you know, there is a lot I hate about being fat, but I also find that I feel like my fat is a warm shield keeping me safe and making me feel held. Without it I am exposed and vulnerable and not able to protect myself.

Wow. (((((AG))))) and ((((all))))
Wanted to reply helpfully but something's triggered tears instead. This issue - self-destructive out of fear of being thin and attractive - was the reason I started with T, and what led to exploring my promiscuity and other self-destructive behaviors... Came up again this week with T as I confessed yet one more thing I haven't ever told anyone - one more thing to be ashamed of, one more thing to make me cry in remorse, though he was very understanding. I wanted him to validate me by saying, "holy crap, you did WHAT?!?" But I think he's beyond that now. Told him I'll probably sabotage all my weightloss progress bigtime over the next few weeks as the grand reunion approaches.

Sorry, need to come back when I can be coherent. But AG, I'm really proud of you (and all of you here) - I know it's painful, it's not easy.

Starry

(((AG)))

About 9 years ago when my middle two were in preschool, I threw myself into parenting. I gained weight and wore big, baggy shirts. I didn't care how I looked and I didn't think others would either. I thought people would judge me based on what was inside. But that wasn't so. People are pretty superficial. A lot of the moms at the school were thin and into looking good and wearing nice clothes and they didn't even want to get to know me just by looking at my outside.

Part of my struggle has been acknowledging my anger towards those people and how I will feel if they find me attractive when I reach my goals?

Another part of it is not wanting to change to please anyone anymore. We all know some people judge others harshly because of their weight. I guess it's that anger coupled with not wanting to please. I know I'm losing weight for me, for my health. But I struggle with *feeling* like I'm losing weight in order to gain someone else's approval. Who that someone is, I have no idea. Some ghost from the past. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm doing this for me. Before I started to lose weight, my body hurt so much that I knew if I kept going like that, I'd be in a wheelchair in 10 years.

However, I haven't really lost any weight in 6 months. There are all sorts of fears bubbling there in the background. Fear of losing control of my life - which sounds incredibly crazy writing that out but it's true. Fear of attention - although I'm pretty old now, so I'm not sure there will be any. Fear of being touched. Fear of not being touched. Fear of being judged. Fear of becoming superficial myself.

Sometimes I go into town and see all the beautiful and thin people down there. It can get pretty discouraging. I never did look like any of them and never will. Who am I fooling?

I've almost never had an independent positive self-image. This next part is hard to verbalize. I have always felt like I was a conduit for other people to get their needs met. I just don't know how I'm going to feel about myself, my new independent self, when I reach my goal because I've never been thin and been in control before. There is this vague sense of being afraid that, and this is where it gets tough to verbalize, my weight loss is for someone else. I know this sounds like losing weight to please someone but that's not quite it. It's as if somehow I won't have ownership of it. Maybe that's where I feel like I might lose control. It's like, if I'm thin and someone wants to touch me in a way I don't want to be touched, I'm afraid that I won't feel like I can say no because all that old stuff is still there and even though I'm starting to assert myself, it's not that strong in me yet. Needing to belong. Needing to feel attractive. Needing to feel wanted. Those needs are still there. Will they be stronger than the positive image I am working so hard to build? I worry about struggling with my boundaries being overtaken.

This weight stuff is very complicated. Ugggghhhhh. Sorry, I hope I didn't hijack or go terribly off-topic here. It's helped me to think about and try to verbalize some things that I've only had a vague sense of and hopefully you can relate to some of it.

At first I was hesitant to reply to this thread, because I have a weight related issue of my own going on in therapy, that is on my mind a lot but I wasn't sure how well it tied in here. However, I have just been so amazed by this thread and by the level of honesty, helpful vulnerabilty, and acceptance displayed. In my experience, it's common enough to be interacting with a group of women wherein the conversation turns to people expressing dissatisfaction with their weight, but I have never, ever before now witnessed such a discussion where there was this openness about how that actually feels and what might be causing it. I was so touched by the beauty of this thread and the cluster of voices and perspectives offered, that I thought, "Well, heck, I'll chime in too."

I could relate a lot to TN's post, especially here:

quote:

I hate that my current T saw me initially as a much thinner person and he can see the unpleasent change in me... I now look so different.

Ditto. I liked how I looked when I first started therapy, but then of course I found out I was pregnant about three months later and I started gaining, and gaining. Baby's almost two months old now and I haven't lost as much of the weight as I would like. Now that doesn't sound like such a big deal, does it? I mean, it's normal for it to take more than two months to lose the pregnancy weight. Yet I am so, so self conscious around T with this and it can feel very painful. It doesn't make at lot of sense. T is probably heavier than I am. And. . . I know that realistically there is nothing particularly glamorous about her, but I idealize her to the extent that I slip into thinking she is the epitome of beauty, style, poise, and grace, and I would often feel frumpy around her and compared to her, even before the weight gain. I don't like her seeing me like this.

Just now I am on a self imposed one month break from therapy. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but I decided to channel all the "therapy energy" that won't be getting used up during this time into weight loss efforts. So, whenever I start to think about T I'll instead think about my diet or exercise routine, or I'll do something related to those things. Since doing this I've been losing steadily, about a pound a day. I know I'm accelerating things largely because I want to be close to my normal size by the time I see T again. I want her to know I can do it, and that I can do it without her.

I've never actually had an ED before, and I don't think I have one now, at the same time I suspect there is something not totally healthy about my mindset here. I'm not entirely happy about it. . .

(((AG))) You are not alone. I hope I haven't made this post too much about me. But I like the way this thread has developed into a supporting by sharing kind of thing, and, well, I wanted to join. Thank you for making it safe here and for all that you do on this forum. I wish you all the best as you try to tackle these issues with your T.

P.S. Liese I think we cross posted. Just wanted to mention that because I noticed there was a similar-yet-different note to the nature of the issues we discussed re post partum weight. All coincidental as I didn't see your post before writing mine.

(((AG))) You're so not alone.

My eating and body issues go way back into childhood. Because I still don't know all of what that childhood held, I'm not really working on the eating and body issues in therapy just yet. I did have some ED-only therapy many years ago, when the bulimia was at its worst (terrible therapy, unfortunately, thanks to the therapist's negative counter-transference), and also spoke some with my current T when I had a brief relapse a few months ago. But mostly I've just shoved it all into the background while I try and figure out everything else.

My primary goal in therapy is to feel safe and comfortable in my own body, which is something I've never actually experienced (such a simple statement that and yet there is so much pain attached to it). Right now, while the body memories are still so painful - physically and mentally - and I'm still dissociating all over the place, that goal seems so far off. But I have to believe it's attainable.

It's been really helpful to read through this thread and know that I'm not alone either. Hugs to all.

landa

As has been said, this thread is amazing. One thing in particular that I have noticed is what we women have to deal with regarding our bodies. I know some men have body issues, but the overwhelming majority of women deal with this. It makes me so sad. A tremendous amount of energy goes into dealing with this. It makes me wonder what our lives would be like it we didn't have to deal with this every freaking minute of our lives. It doesn't even seem to matter what continent we are from. Are all women destined to spend much of our existence on feeling hateful about our bodies? It seems so.

AG, you have got to be one the most intelligent and self-aware persons I have ever encountered, even though it is through the internet. Good on you and everyone else for dealing with this. I have never brought this issue up in my therapy and I have been going for almost as long as AG. I have never told my T my struggle with weight as a child. It is still very shaming to me. Still to this day makes my bones ache thinking about it. I always felt like an embarressment to my parents because of my weight, since they were both very good looking people. My mother was never more that 5 lbs over weight and loved clothes. Being a fat kid, clothes were definitely not my thing. No connection there for the two us, just struggles.

When I was in my last year of high school, I lost 70 lbs. Finally a boy called to ask me out. I was pissed. I was still the same person I was at 70lbs heavier, so I said no, screw you. People want to pay attention to you because you are thinner, I despise that. Even being thinner I still hated my body. My T knows this part, but I was a virgin until I was in my late thirties because of my body hatred. It was that signicant. I now have a long-time SO, but I have never even told him about this. Now you all know, but I guess I am getting tired of hating myself. It is so energy consuming.

Sorry to go off on this tangent, but again, as been said by many on here, everbody on here really does have amazing courage. I see it every day when I read these entries. Thank you to everyone out there struggling day in and day out with your lives. YOU have made mine better.

Thanks for opening this topic AG!

It seems there are a lot more people dealing with this issue on the forum than we were all aware of. Perhaps that is where the mind, body, spirit thing comes in. You cannot really seperate the one element from the other if you know what I mean, and since our experiences have affected our minds and spirits it only stands to reason that our bodies will also be affected. A ripple effect.

I too am overweight and strangely enough not so long ago I was trying to work out something. As a child/teenager I was never overweight and I was able to block my thoughts out of my mind for the most part. I am not sure if the ability to do that helped with my weight or if my endless energy helped with my mind? Late teenage/adult years I became sexually active of my own free will and I started putting on weight. Child birth added to that weight, but overall what I could never understand was that I was still extremely active and taking part in competitive sport etc yet I was a constant 10+Kgs above my recommended weight. My food intake had not changed, but somehow or other it was as though my body was punishing me for having sex. Well at least that is what I have come up with - I may be wrong. Fantasies are a problem for me and trying to justify them is a constant battle which I think has affected my weight because of the deep negative feelings that they create on an ongoing basis. When I first decided to tell my T about my experiences I lost 12kgs in 2 months - this time I was punishing my body in another way. When that didn't work I started putting on the weight again - it wasn't a conscious decision either way, but I can and do see the link. Was it comfort eating? I don't think so, but maybe to a point it was. I'm not sure. I stopped excercising, and so for the last 2 yrs I really haven't done that much. My fantasies are slowly taking a turn here and there for the better and just this last week I was wondering if taking control of my weight would help me to manage my mind any better? I have no doubt that a persons frame of mind affects not only their spirit but also their body, the question is, if we start with the body will it have the ripple affect on the mind and spirit, or is it the mind that holds the position on top of the pyramid?

AG good luck with taking control of your weight and well done for being brave enough to open up! To all the others out there, thanks for sharing and may we all push forward in order to win our mind, body, spirit battles.



B2W

AG,

I am late to this thread as well, but wanted to say that you are definitely not alone (as you can see by this thread!). I was not able to discuss my body issues with my old T though in passing it would be mentioned, but we just never really went there. It is on my list of issues to tackle with new T and even though I've lost 50lbs and don't need to lose more I still struggle nearly as much with the body stuff and am terrified of gaining the weight back. So it isn't about the weight IMHO, the weight is just a symptom and I really think shame has a huge part in that.

I admire you for going back to T regularly and addressing this issue. It is not for the faint of heart. You are amazing!

AG - I too am very late to this thread. I started reading your post and it really was inspiring. I have kind of touched on this with my t over the years, but it never seems to go anywhere. I think part of the reason was that my t didn't want to push me too hard because all this stuff makes me so depressed and suicidal. Even though I know what it all is, and that it is past, it still drives me crazy.

I was just looking at a picture of myself and my brother when we were pretty little, and he had his arm around me and we were so close. At some point that changed and all of my body feelings and emotions were torn from me as well by him. I think that's when the shame started. Then when my stepfather came around, it seemed almost ok to take what he was giving, after all I was getting a booze payoff. Ugh, this is killing me right now.( I may have to delete.) Anyway, the thought of anyone touching me drives me crazy and eating, of course, was one way to keep people away. Men that is. The fatter I was I knew they wouldn't want to be near me so I ate. I'm still heavy but not obese. I still struggle with the eating part. I still cringe, even now, and even though my partner is a woman, at the thought of her touching me. I have to really be alert to everything and the shame is unbearable. It's very hard to get rid of that or for me, to even understand why it's still there.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I wish I could help more. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

H&S,
Your list of food uses sounds very familiar to me. An I agree about the responses, everyone being so honest and vulnerable is really helpful, I so appreciate people sharing including you. Thanks for the support.

Nannabee,
No such thing as late to a thread, I appreciate you responding. Thanks for sharing about your experiences. I am sorry that you received such distorted feedback on your appearance. I actually have been fat my whole life but as big as I felt then, I'd kill for my high school weight now. I can really relate to using it as protection. At one point in therapy, I actually took off 60 lbs, which was the last time I mentioned this in therapy. The weight loss was significant enough that I was noticing changes in my body and realized they were scaring me. Not long after, we had a family crisis and I totally derailed and proceeded to put it all back on. So the idea of the fat being a warm shield is one I can really relate to. I am so very sorry about what happened with your father, but I am glad that you writing here helped you make the connection. You are no longer powerless and can find other ways to stop your father without having to hurt yourself. But there should have never been a need to do either.

Starry,
Totally understand being so triggered. I originally started in therapy way back when because every time my husband and I tried to discuss my weight problem (lovingly I might add and not in a judgemental way) I would end up hysterical and unable to speak. I'm starting to understand that it's wrapped around some very painful, scary stuff so I've had to stay away from facing the problem. I'm glad that reading here is making you feel less alone.

HIC,

quote:

However, I have just been so amazed by this thread and by the level of honesty, helpful vulnerabilty, and acceptance displayed. In my experience, it's common enough to be interacting with a group of women wherein the conversation turns to people expressing dissatisfaction with their weight, but I have never, ever before now witnessed such a discussion where there was this openness about how that actually feels and what might be causing it. I was so touched by the beauty of this thread and the cluster of voices and perspectives offered

I totally agree. I am really amazed at just how prevalent this struggle is. I feel less alone and even less vulnerable, knowing so many people intimately understand just what I am struggling with. And glad, for everyone's sake, that we opened the topic. And I also relate to worrying about what my T is thinking. He's watched me lose and regain 60 lbs. I don't so much idealize his looks, as despair of his every enjoying looking at me, let alone feeling any desire. Not that I would want anything to happen, but it can feel SO important that he find me attractive and there is a feeling of deep despair and pain around my certainty that he never, never would. (which could or could not be reality, it's not like he's sharing on the topic ) And no this hasn't been too much about you, see my reply to Liese.

Landa,
I think I'm really getting that I'm not alone.

quote:

But mostly I've just shoved it all into the background while I try and figure out everything else.

No judgement here, it's what I did for many years, and not that I'm ready to start looking at this, I think it might have been necessary. I think the healing that I have done was important so that I could have the resources and the strength to start looking at this. So in a sense, even though everyone may not be working directly on their eating/body issues, we are all by continuing to go to therapy and heal. I think these feelings are all part of the larger wounds we're all trying to heal from.


Becca,
Thank you for talking about your feelings surrounding this, I don't think it was a tangent at all. I know that part of the struggle for me is that it affects my beliefs in what other people think of me. I can be a rather funny in person and most of that is because I get so panicky when I meet someone new because I am totally convinced that all they are seeing and thinking is "OMG, this woman is enormous!" so it's as if I have to distract them as soon as I possibly can so that they can see there is more to me than just my distended body. I think one of the things that makes me feel so comfortable being online is that you can't be judged by your appearance. In many ways, people have a chance to get acquainted with your insides before ever knowing what you look like. And even though I know it's foolish and based on my fear, but letting a long time online friend see a picture or meet me for the first time in person, always feels scary, like they're going to see me and realize they really don't want anything to do with me. And at the same time, I can get angry and hate being reduced only to what I look like, it's just that if I'm honest I'm not quite sure how much is coming from me and how much is really coming from other people.


B2W,
I know for me that I really struggle to feel like my body is a part of me. I prefer to ignore it and see it as something I am stuck with, when you really cannot separate yourself from your body, I mean, it's where you live your life. At one point I was talking to my T about hating my body and he said what he thought I was really hating was the shame but I experienced that in my body. I also know that one thing that has really changed for me as I have healed is how often I get sick. I do not get sick nearly as often as I used to and when I do it's not as severe, so I've seen my body be directly affected by my healing. I think you're paying attention to what is going on with you and asking questions that are worth exploring.

STRM,
I totally agree it's not really about the weight. I have always seen my eating as an unhealthy coping mechanism. I need to get to the real problem and find healthier ways of coping so that I will stop using the eating that way, then I should be able to lose weight. I think the additional perspective my T just pointed out is that we need to figure out what is getting in the way of losing the weight? I think there's some deep unconscious beliefs operating.

(((BG))) It has been incredible to read everyone's stories. I am so grateful for the response.

Smiley,
Thank you for sharing those memories and feelings, they are very close to the stuff I am remembering. Especially that sense of having "my body feelings and emotions torn from me." That was the memory felt like, a deep loss of something innocent and pure. I'm sorry that you understand it so well but grateful that you shared it with me. And I know the shame can feel unbearable, which is ironic since we have carried it for so very many years. My T is really good at helping me break shame, so I'm going to trust we can tackle this one.

Thank you again to everyone for being so open and honest, and sharing all your struggles. I do not feel alone any longer.

AG

Hi AG,

I'm not an expert at weight loss by any stretch of the imagination. And not that you've asked for my weight loss tips but I'm going to be presumptuous here and tell you what has been working for me as far as changing my habits are concerned.

- I decided not to do any kind of program because I wanted to be able to eat "normal" food and to be able to assimilate my new habits into a "normal" lifestyle.

- I had to admit that I love food. I love to eat. I needed to make things that tasted great and were satisfying to my palate. I had to tailor whatever changes I made around that fact. I bought Cooking Light magazine and started to try the recipes. They were all amazing and they were big hits with the whole family. So, I got a subscription to it. Of course, they have all kinds of dishes but they feature a lot of chicken dishes and we eat a lot of chicken so it really worked for us.

- At first, I decided to add things instead of taking things out. For instance, I added fruit and healthy foods. It's similar to eating before you go food shopping because otherwise you'll buy much more than you need. Or eating fruit, say, a half an hour before dinner. (Dr. Oz said that!)

- I tinkered with only small parts of my diet at a time. If I did make a change, I only made a small change at one time until it was well incorporated.

- After that, I only tinkered with my diet again when I stopped losing weight and again, only in a small way, like changing a part of what I eat for breakfast.

- I added exercise. The trick was to find something that I actually enjoyed. For me, it was spin. It wasn't that taxing on my body except a certain body part and they sell special gel seats and gel shorts for that. The spin instructors were great at reminding everyone to go at their own pace, etc., that it was our ride. I've done things physically now that I've never done before. I ran 2 miles for the first time in my entire life. Okay, I know it's not a marathon but .... still.

Of course, there is always the emotional component. They do say that addiction is all about unmet emotional needs. So it is important to focus on that. For me, there was/is also fear involved in that, which I guess blocks me from getting my emotional needs met. So far, the emotional stuff seems to get worked out little by little. When I plateau I have to ask myself what is going on, what am I afraid of, etc.

I haven't broken any weight loss records in terms of speed. But the point for me was the make the changes permanent as opposed to having a set goal to lose X amount of pounds by Y date. I didn't focus on that at all. As long as I was losing a little and/or staying the same, I was happy with that.

Couldn't help but share what has helped me. I hope it helps someone else. To date, I've lost 53 pounds. I feel SO much better and the changes FEEL permanent. I hope they are.