warning: This is just rambling, i dont have much time nor enough language(english) skills to make my self understandable..and i am too confused and nervous and anxious to make my speach clear.

Anyway. Just really need to say this somehow.

Early tomorrow i am gonna see my T. Then its gonna be a breake for two weeks. This is bad, but its not the reason i freak out now. But this sure does: The last days i mostly spend sitting by the computer writing a letter (not even a long one) that i am gonna give my T tomorrow. The letter contents what i consider to be THE core issue in my therapy. i keep going through the scenario for the session tomorrow- i`ll lie down on the bed (or sit in the chair? *arrg* i dont know and every dumb detail feels so importnat..gosh- i am loosing my mind!) hand him the letter- NO WAY i will read it out loud myself. I dunno if my T is gonna read it out loud or.. in silense? ok- that will be akward. The reason for the letter is that i all of a sudden feels a huge impulse to tell him- or rather TREATHEN (this makes me so sad to know..why would i do something terrible like that to him?? ) my T by telling him i wanna quit therapy......

I know my T will be surprised - maybe shocked- to hear- since i have spend endless time in therapy working with my seperation angst and the total opposite need to aALWAYS stick to therapy AND HIM!! The thing is, i know deep down i dont REALLY wanna quit- but i have a strong need to let my T think that i want to..AND THAT I AM CAPABLE OF IT. I dont understand myself and i feel like a shitty person for doing this and propably causing a lot of confusion and stress for my T.

Gosh. there is more. bear over with me dear folks.

In the letter i wrote (the most important plot)something summarized as: "I neither can or will be helped the way you wanna help me- I am unable to change anything important in my life! further: I will never ever be able to pay back all that I should and want to "pay back" as thanks to you. Dont you know i feel like i owe you everything? In that respect i am a dept-slave(?). EVERYTHING I HAVE IS MY gratitude and love for you! But you dont even want it..so it seems. AND MY PRAYER/HOPE IS THAT THERE MUST BE enough! I HAVE NO MORE TO GIVE IN RETURN!"
yep. thats the style of the letter (in terrible english-transelate verson!)

The content is packed with budget-metaphors. How cold must`nt that seems? Its like i am trapped in a "Thank / blame / reward / payment / debt slavery/ hole.. :
Do you people ever think in these terms or am i ..crazy? (i guess you`ll tell me i am not..)

SO, my reason for the strange impulse to leaving therapy is just the sad extension of this sudden realization; that I will never be able to repay my T. I will fail in getting "healed" and fail in tryin to heal, fail in changin, fail. Just fail him. And he is gonna be so disapointed... And its not enough reward/paiment that i have given all my love and gratitude. My T requires something else. I DONT HAVE ENYTHING ELSE BUT MY LOVE!

is this totally bad of me to write? it is true all of it that i wrote- and i struggle so much with my own "thesis" and "guilt" for not being able or willing to change- and feel so embarassed to admit that i dont really think my T can help me. Yet- it feels ok. I dont ask him to, i just wanna be with him..ohh..i donno.

I am gonna give him the letter. I am gonna panick and i am gonna regret. But i have to do it. I have to gather all my courage and my will in order to manage to implement this. it is very vulnerable timing, very bad timing actually (because he's gone in two weeks. no phone-calls, no messages-policy!)

if my T does not encounter this in a good way I'm going to go into exile for a time and isolate completely. If all goes well I might post about it tomorrow. I do not know the outcome. Now I know nothing.
thanks for all the input. I need something-anything.