needing and wanting touch-possible triggers?

athenacusMember

Does anyone else crave touch or hugs? Is anyone an abuse survivor who loves being touched instead of being repulsed by it?

I've read several things about survivors of abuse and csa types of issues and I've noticed that many survivors describe or talk about how they don't like to be touched or hugged (especially unexpectedly).

I seem to be quite the opposite. I love touch and hugs and crave it. It feels good to me. The thing is though that I don't have many people that I do that with. My poor kiddos get a lot of hugs and cuddles from me. A few of my family members don't like touch and hugs very often due to their fibromyalgia and/or their own abuse history.

Right after my divorce from my abusive husband, I craved a man's touch. My sister would ask me why I was letting men put their arms/hands by and on me at bars (she took me out to "celebrate" my divorce is why we were at bars). I loved a man's touch! I wanted more.

Sometimes I feel the urge to hug people, but depending on my relationship with them or where we are at, I do or do not hug. For example I will hug people at church when they welcome me with open arms. Sometimes that is the only reason I go...for the hugs and smiles! I also get hugs sometimes from my exercise instructor and classmates. They are from a different country and seem to be energetic, warm, and friendly.

Several times I wanted to hug my former T. I only got hugs from her about 3 times. One was a wonderful spontaneous hug, one was a half arm hug that was some what awkward, and the last hug I requested, but it was bittersweet and a bit awkward. Other times I wanted a hug from T, but I was afraid to ask. I used to see her hugging clients that she was finishing up with before my session, but I was too scared to ask and face the rejection maybe?
I wanted to hug one of my professors (a counseling psychologist) last month, but I knew that might be awkward and possibly inappropriate. Although, I have seen photos of my prof. hugging students at graduation and awards ceremonies, so maybe at that point it would be ok.

I haven't talked about this in therapy, but my new T did give me an exercise to do that is suppose to feel like a self hug and comforting. Maybe I need to do that more often. ok..now that I have tears running down my face...I need to go....maybe I'll take a walk before I dive into more intense therapy reading for exams.

6/30/138:14 AM

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tasMember

I don't want or crave touching...or hugs...

I accidentally touched the Therapist the other day and said, "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to touch you..."

He said, "I know you didn't..." I won't even exchange money with him for fear of touching his hand...I leave it where I was seated or I leave it on the desk...

The thought of the Therapist hugging me is terrifying.

6/30/139:29 AM

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catalystMember

((athennacus)) I hope you can talk to your T about this especially you doing this activity now

I absolutely love touch. In a past life, it was likely that I was a teddy bear. However - I have to trust the person, or get a good 'vibe'. I am most especially not okay with men touching me unless they are my friends or it's a public place.

For some reason, a lot of people hug me. I'm not sure if it's because I give them the 'I'm gonna hug you anyway' body signal or what. I usually wait for the other person to appear open to a hug - or in most cases - just go in to hug me first.

It's both a fear of approach and avoidance so I don't get hurt. I've never really sexualized touch, if that makes sense. I'm always a afraid a man will though and that I won't know because I simply don't have a clue.

It is awkward to hug "professionals" though like a boss, or a teacher, doctor, therapist, etc. It wasn't until therapy that I hugged a "professional". I'd hug with my yoga instructor, massage therapist, my hairdresser, random business owners/staff who always remember me or my name after I even visit once (it's creepy). But all those seem like normal hug situations?

I communicate in body language, I do have some very close friends who do not like touch, some who do, etc. Anyway, I think it's normal either way... the hard part appears to be shame. Shame about ourselves (either in wanting touch, or not wanting). I know I don't usually "crave" hugs. Be brave! They are okay to ask for. I've rejected hugs before when I'm uncomfortable and that is okay too. Sometimes in the middle of session w/ my T I will just ask for a hug... so far that's been okay.

Anyway.... I'm rambling but my body is so calmed by touch. It has to be someone I'm okay in my personal space, and it's a cultural thing also.

6/30/1312:02 PM

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yakusokuMember

I...um...both.

Parts of me want it, parts of me want nothing to do with it. I go in both directions at once. There is a need for it somewhere in there, but there is also...a knowledge of how it goes bad and wrong.

I actually love giving affection and touch when I know someone well, in a caretaking way. I don't feel safe receiving it, which has to do with not feeling safe needing, not with not liking touch specifically. I definitely do not like comforting touch from almost anyone other than H, T, and a few VERY close, safe friends. Not even anyone in my family at all.

Sometimes, T's touch can be very helpful. Sometimes, it can be hard, even when it feels needed. Friday, he put his hand on the back of my shoulder when I was struggling, just to let me know he was there and I guess that he wasn't feeling what I was feeling toward myself, which was ashamed. My reaction was needing him to stop and having to move away a bit more, because it was making me ashamed to even breathe and I started holding my breath, because knowing he could FEEL me living (my movement as I breathed) intensified my shame so much.

He is very respectful about all of that and attuned when I'm not responding well, despite getting so many mixed signals, I'm sure. Sometimes it seems like I want nothing more than to be hugged by him and to get as far away from him as possible at the same time. I guess that's the confusion that can happen when those needs for touch are used against you...

6/30/139:44 PM

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ericaMember

I'm not an abuse survivor but feel ambivalent sometimes toward touch and hugs. Growing up, no one was that affectionate with me. It just wasn't my parent's style to be touchy or huggy. I was really uncomfortable with hugs until after college when my group of friends all were huggers. So, gradually I came to really like hugs. But even now, a few years later, I still get uncomfortable when people get too close or touch me, even if it's on the arm or something (not my friends, generally, but just anyone else). My body gets anxious and starts to overheat and sweat. It's weird.

In therapy, I would love nothing more than a hug from my T! But there's also a part of me that fears it so much and would probably start dripping sweat the moment I asked if I could hug her. She did ask to hug me once a few months ago. I felt so cared for and mentally I loved it...but I felt my hands begin to sweat and they were on her back so I moved away.

I do crave touch and hugs...but then it's like my body says, hold up, NO. Mentally, I'm like....comfort me! hold me! hug me! I think it may be more about shame about my needs and not really about the touch. I'm not sure though? I have a lot of shame about my needs. So I know you asked about people with abuse histories, and I don't have one, but I just wanted to give someone else's take on touch and hugs and how confusing it all can be. I don't know if it was helpful haha.

7/1/136:59 AM

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crootieMember

I too craved hugs, but felt wooden if I was given one. I would go out of my way to avoid hugs, not because I didn't want one, but because I just didn't get it....what did all these other people get from hugging each other?
My T asked after the first ever session if she could give me a hug, and I refused, absolutely no way, I didn't do touch. i knew i craved it though so my T used to send me a 'virtual hug' by text, and i began to ask for them. Eventually though,as I left a session, I got to the stage that I could tolerate her hand on my back, and then an arm round my shoulders, and now hugging is ok, and I am able to give and receive hugs more spontaneously with others. I am no longer a plank of wood, I no longer wonder what it's all about. Now I get it...that a hug can be a ray of sunshine, or a sympathetic squeeze, or whatever else people may feel.
This is coupled with knowing I wanted to sit close to her, but being unable to do it, and she was really supportive of the struggle I had to allow my little one to sit close; now most of the time I sit on the floor at her feet, and I recognise this is the work I need to do to repair the insecure/avoidant attachment patterns I acquired as a child, and brought with me into adulthood.

7/1/1311:00 AM

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