Hi Saka
I am sorry that forum can't be a safe and anonymous place for you to talk about what you need to, and also that your therapy is in such an uncomfortable place. Feeling that your T hates you makes it very diffucult to talk to them about anything. Is it a genuines concern from how you are treated or part of the therapy process that many of us seem to go through?

Pan

I am not at all sure how someone would work out who you are, like: could you work out who I am? No.

Maybe that might reassure you to post what you like here, it is such a liberation to say what you can't say normally, here on this forum.

I am sorry therapy is going roughly just now. I find it does go in cycles and that I get all negative or have doubts about it when I am hitting a nerve or something deep is about to surface, so you could see it as a positive thing.

Also, as we always say here 'take it to therapy and tell your therapist what you have said here - it makes for better communication and understanding between the two of you. " Scary I know, but hey, who said therapy was meant to be EASY ! LOL

thank you for posting, and I hope you KEEP posting so we can know how you are doing.

Hi again,

Thank you both for your replies. Pan, no it's not a genuine concern. My T might be frustrated with me a little, but I'm sure I've exaggerated the rest of it. I tend to do that all too often. :-) However, knowing that it's not likely to be true doesn't make it FEEL any better.

Sadly, thanks for the dose of reality on whether anyone could work out who I am. Again, feelings are stronger than logic, but I'll try to be brave. :-) Over the course of the day I've actually talked myself into quitting therapy. I even wrote a pro/con list, with a very long list of pro's (ie. in favor of quitting), and a short, but powerful list of cons. I find it very difficult to talk with my therapist. It feels pointless to be there, often in silence, week after week for so many years. He's been extremely patient and accepting of me, but I also sometimes fear he's just hiding his frustration. I'm frustrated with myself for my inability to get "unstuck".

Thanks for sharing the link to your blog. I'll check it out now. :-)

Hi Saka
I am glad to hear it is just the usual run of the mill, typical not so real stuff! I am joking, i honestly know how hard it can be to know what is real and what isn't and whether youm really are as bad as you feel. T's make it particularly hard by not making it simple and telling us what to do. I agree with sadly, maybe instead of sitting in mostly silence go for it and tell your T how painful it is and that you feel he hates you.

I was in therapy for anxiety and telling my T i was terrified of HIM was agony but led to the most amazing work and turned out to be the right thing to do.

The forum is a wonderful place to practice speaking up and gain a bit of confidence and i hope you can find a way to overcome your fear of being recognised. Sometimes everyones opinions help break the stronghold that your fears and internal critic have over your life.
Give it a try! It really helps not to feel so alone and the people here are kind and understand so much what therapy is like they can really help.

Pan

Hi Sakajawea,

Sorry you are feeling so down in the dumps at the moment. I think it is natural to have phases during therapy of feeling like your T doesn't like you or that you won't get better but that is exactly what they are...phases. The feelings will pass.

If you feel your T is frustrated with you it would be a good idea to talk to him about how you feel. I'm glad he is patient and accepting but sorry that you fear he is hiding a frustration...does he give you a sense of this at all?

Would you be able to share your pros/cons list with your T?

Hope things get better for you.

Butterfly

Hi again,

I'm seeing my T in a few hours. I'll probably take along the pro/con list, and I've written a letter explaining some of how I'm feeling. Pan, it's encouraging to hear that telling your T your were terrified of him helped you to make progress in therapy. I didn't originally go to therapy for anxiety, but I'm developing a serious anxiety problem through the process of therapy. It feels very discouraging to be going backwards rather than forwards. (I originally went to therapy for severe depression.)

Butterfly, I think my T was having a bad day last time I saw him. He mentioned at the beginning of the session that he felt like he may be getting sick. He seemed tired and kept rubbing his forehead like he was exasperated with me. I know that if I were healthy and rational, I'd attribute that to the possible sickness, but instead I've attributed it to "sick of me"-ness.

I'm still thinking of quitting therapy for a lot of reasons, but I've promised him that I'll never quit without talking to him about it first. I'll let you know how it goes, and thanks so much for the encouragement and support.

Saka