Ack.

I'm struggling with the whole expressing my needs stuff. I know that this is true for many of us.

When I am triggered, and then identified, I want to disappear. My childhood trained me that a good child, and a good wife, doesn't have any feelings and doesn't have any needs. My job was/is to work really hard, do for others to earn safety/worth, be hyper vigilant to others' moods and needs so I could anticipate danger, and to never ever rest - as in, I have a significant anxiety uptick before I close my eyes each night.

So, my expressing a need feels awful when I am dealing with my injured child identification (what I call 13 or 6). Of course it does. It goes like this:

I get triggered by something (say, I burn the dinner. Or, my wife is cranky with me. Or both). Then, something that doesn't usually bother grown-up-girl (say, my wife needing to go back into work during the evening after a long day where she was at work all day) starts to freak me out. I slip into identification. I feel danger, threat. Then, I feel a need (like, "Oh my god, I think I only can have her go for about an hour. I think that's all I can do.") But now I'm totally identified, and literally *using 13's brain.* For her brain, expressing a need is totally dangerous. Good girls don't have needs. Good girls don't have feelings. Good girls are, literally, transparent. They smile, and nod, and take what they get, they do not complain.

So I get into a fight with myself, 13 screaming at me to shut up and be quiet because I'm bad, grown-up-girl screaming at me to be quiet because I don't actually care if she goes back in to work and what kind of crappy wife am I to ask her not to, and integrated me in the middle not knowing what to do.

So, I'm wondering about why I HATE expressing my needs so much.

I want my wife to just know what I need. I want her to look at me and say, "Hey, it's been a long day. I don't want to be away from you, and it's not scary that I'm going, but I know it must feel like a lot. I appreciate you letting me go even when it's hard for you, so I'll keep it to one hour, and then come home." and then, for bonus points, "And I'll only go for an hour NOT as a favor for you, but because that's what I want."

Oh, wait. That's exactly what she said. I'm very, very lucky.

But this scenario happens. And I wonder two things:

1) Why do I want her to know the need, without me saying it?

2) Why do I desperately want her to want what I want, herself? If I ask her to do only an hour, and she wanted to do 2 hours, I feel.... stuff. Yuck. Bad.

Basically, it feels "ruined" if I have to ask for it. And it feels "ruined" if I have to ask her to do something *I* want, and she doesn't want it - if I have to ask her to compromise or do something she doesn't want to do, for me.

Ack. I don't think I'm making sense. I can feel two questions/issues around expressing needs, but I'm not sure what they are.