(((anna))) I don't know how to advise in terms of the negative core beliefs, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry about the sudden shift in your T's boundaries. It's good that he doesn't want to offer anything that he feels will interfere with his self-care or impede his ability to be consistent with you, but that it came right after connecting and admitting your needs has to be really painful and confusing. I've found in between session contact to be both beneficial and painful at different times. Sometimes, it really helps me be functional while I have to sit with the stuff we've been working on between the days I see or talk to him. Other times, it just makes me beat the crap out of myself for being "stupid enough" to need anybody like that again. For the most part, his willingness to offer it, however, calms things down.

His comment to you sounded a little defensive, so I'm wondering how much of this is his own frustration or concern about not knowing the best way to help. I have found the best thing to do when I am hurting like this is to just be honest about the feelings coming up for me. It can be terrifying to do, though, when you already feel hurt and betrayed.

Hi Anna,

Is there a chance that you can work with another therapist? I ask this because it really sounds like you are struggling with the one that you have and sometimes therapeutic work can't be done while you are still feeling so hopeless and powerless and until your T has established some basic level of trust with you. He sounds nice but you might need to see someone more frequently and who can give you more contact.

He is doing what is right for him, in that he is being honest about what he can give and what he can't. It's just that it sounds like by him asserting what is right for him leads you to believe that it's all you deserve and that maybe there is something wrong with wanting more.

And, so, it's not so much that you can change him to give you what you need, but rather that you might need to find someone else who can you give you more. And you deserve to have the level of support that you need. I suggest all this, Anna, because that was my experience in therapy. My therapist was reluctant to let me see him twice a week but finally relented and it has made such a huge difference in my functioning.

There is something there with the accessibility issues, feeling like your T as inaccessible that probably plays into your preoccupied attachment style. I don't know if that IS your attachment style but if it is, his inaccessibility doesn't help you. It only hurts. And if his style is avoidant, that would make things even worse between the two of you. There is some great articles out there regarding the interaction between the clients attachment style and the therapists attachment style.

Is there a way that you can talk openly with him about attachment and attachment styles? And be honest with him about how you feel his inaccessibility is only making your issues worse?

I looked up the negative core beliefs and found a bunch of stuff. I can refer you to some websites if you still can't find anything. It probably takes a long time to get to the core beliefs and then an even longer time to change them.

Good luck.

Liese

Hi dear Anna,
I do understand a little of what you're going through. After about 9 months of therapy, my T told me I was no longer able to email him anymore, and that if I did, he wouldn't read them. That REALLY hurt. I left in tears, and felt both a confused hurt and anger. Over the next few days, a little understanding found its way into my heart, and I vented here (post called Intentional Triggering) - everyone's kind and compassionate support helped me to see this from different angles, and helped me to realize that T was probably making this "harsh" decision for my long-term good, though short-term was/still is so painful. So I understand a little bit, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

quote:

He also said I had to learn to chance the Negative core beliefs I have, but it takes time and I am afraid to ask him if he is really able to help me.

I'm guessing he would say he could help you, but that would be a great thing to ask him.

You asked about the length of time one sees a therapist.... Hm, that truly depends on you. Laughable moment: when I first set up an appt with my T, I thought it would only take 2-3 sessions - HA!! Friday will be one year, and there are no plans for ending any time soon.

Blessings to you,
Starry

Thanks for all your replies,

This is in a clinic and is free , so sometime I feel like I cant pressure him to do extra work or something, we have tried relax session , and it worked, and I told him that and if we could try it again, and that was few months ago, and he admitted sometimes he does not have so much extra time to prepare something for me, I meet him in 2008 and it was not on weekly bases then , and we were working together get help me raise my son better, and it took about 2 years that I could talk to him about things.

He is not experienced in trauma work and so complicated clients like me, and sometimes I feel I know more about what to do than him, but I am like waiting for him to point that out to me, like memo cards , and push me little more, and show interest in if he asked me to write my thought down that he will ask in the next session, not always me showing him and so on, maybe I am just to much for him, and I was finally making some process and then I felt rejected when he cut off my weekly times.

I feel little hopeless in this moment, but he has said he is not giving up on me, and still much more to try, and then in last session I felt little bit like he was giving up, it makes me feel more hopeless .

quote:

Originally posted by Liese:

He is doing what is right for him, in that he is being honest about what he can give and what he can't. It's just that it sounds like by him asserting what is right for him leads you to believe that it's all you deserve and that maybe there is something wrong with wanting more.

Liese

That is little bit how I feel , like it is wrong for me to ask more, and he has asked my , why do you need contact beetwen sessions ?
He did alow me e-mails, but in dec and jan when I felt really bad I did maybei little bit misuse it and cryed wolf wolf, but that is all the way back then , and I have not missuse it sence, and I feel like it is not the right reason , and he is not honest with me, but he told me he felt like he over stepped his boundaries , but so far back and is cutting me off now, I did ask leave message last week in the clinic to call me and he did, and also the week before and he did call me also back , but it is very hard to speak to him in the phone and the compassion is missing, its more like I am bothering him, iven if it just takes 2 minutes, but I am afraid to chance and there are so few here who have experiance in these kind of stuff I am dealing with, and he was willing to learn and study to help me before, but now I feel like he is tired and the compassion is gone, is it me thinking I dont know...

Hi Anna,
I know it can be so upsetting, but his reactions do NOT mean that you have done anything wrong. It may be that you need someone who will allow between-session contact/emails, and he just isn't that one. Or, you may decide as I did, that your T is worth the no-email policy because of everything else about him - how safe you feel with him, how much you trust him, etc. I love my T and fully believe that he does things in MY best interests, so I stayed even when I was really hurt. In time, I came to see how that painful decision actually has been helpful for me. But this may not be your case - you might really need someone more attuned to you and your needs! I would encourage you to really consider possible options and what would be best for you. You deserve someone who will value you for who you are, someone that you feel safe with, and someone who is experienced in the areas of your needs.


Best wishes!
Starry