I wanted to come back, ...(sigh,it's hard)...it's of course, my T.
I have been with her for almost 4 years now. I truly love her. And it is just about over. NOT by my choice.
Last year, she announced that she would no longer be seeing individual patients. She would still be seeing couples, and would be starting a sort of "growth group", that she highly encouraged me to be a part of.
I struggled with this all of last year, knowing that our time was limited. We were supposed to get into trauma work this last year, it never happened. And now, the new year is upon us. When I saw her the last time, right before Christmas, it was difficult for me, knowing that it was over.
At that time, I was still unsure if I would be joining her group, as I was going back to work full time at the office, and not sure what my schedule would be.
She told me that she would see individuals, ONLY on a crisis type situation.
Right after the start of the new year, as I went back to work, the situation at my office started to go down hill, fast. About two weeks ago, I was called into my bosses office, and came very close to being terminated. I was in contact with T all that day, as I was a mess. I had felt the situation at work getting worse, and felt something was going to happen, before it actually did.
My T, that evening, asked if I would like to come to her office. I accepted. It was the first time I had seen her since before the holidays. I was expecting, I don't know, compassion, perhaps empathy? I don't know....I certainly didn't get it. It was probably one of our worst sessions. She was only interested in how I was going to plan and fix the situation and all the other issues I was having,by taking her advise. When I cried, sobbed, she was dismissive, even cruel, telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to stop crying. She told me I could continue to see her, but on a very limited basis, not every week. I was too dependent. I was told I needed to stop e-mailing, texting, something I have done regularly for the last four year. It was awful. I was there almost two hours, and finally just got up and left. In tears. I cried for the rest of that week. (tears still come)
I understand I need to break the connection, but it is so much harder than I expected. I feel, at times, that I can't live without her in my life. I can see her, but only on her terms, which I feel like I would jump at the chance, just to see her again.
The lack of communication (more so, connection) is so very hard. I didn't just text or e-mail when I was struggling, I tried to very regularly share the joys, the accomplishments, the high spots. She was always supportive, encouraging. Many of the things I do now, I never, ever would have done without her, suggesting, encouraging.
I am so devastated by this whole situation. I feel like I've been abandoned, before we were done. And at a very difficult time right now, with my job situation. (which is apparently all my own fault) I have not been able to join her group as my work schedule would not allow it.
I can't talk to anyone else about this, except for one friend, who has been through something similar. I feel so alone with this.
I cry myself to sleep. I'm eating crap, which I had gotten away from. I am trying not to let this whole thing break me, but it feels almost like how I felt, when I first decided to go to her in the first place. I know I'm much, much stronger than I was at that time, thanks to her, seriously! But now my attachment to her is causing the same type of pain that brought me to her door.
She has not suggested I see anyone else. But I know, I need to find someone who will help me just to get over her.(while still seeing her when I can)
Also - on one last note. I become somewhat friends with another one of her patients. We met while taking one of her on-line classes. We got together a few times, and I learned that my T had very loose boundaries with this other patient. They were practically friends! She even let her come on her vacation one year, which the patient told me about, but complained about the whole thing! I would love to go on this trip with my T! This other woman, is much older than I am, and has been seeing our T for twice as long. I often wonder if T keeps me at bay because she feels she made a mistake with this other woman. But now I know, and I'm jealous, and I would have been a much better friend than this other woman. (gawd, I know how childish this sounds, right??!)
Ok - this is enough for now. I just needed to spill this all, and just hoping for a little bit of support, and gentleness, and perhaps empathy. I can't go through this anymore on my own. I don't know if I can.
Thanks for reading all of this, if you made it this far.
Thanks.
Geeg
